Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E12 - The Big Goodbye

And so it's finally come to this...the first Holodeck based episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. The episode preview informs me that the crew ends up getting stuck in the Holodeck while en route to some diplomatic encounter. I'm not entirely certain which Holodeck centric episode this is since I think all of them had this same general hook. Nine times out of ten Holodeck-centric episodes suck all the ass, but this time around I've important fuckology work to do otherwise I'd probably skip this one outright. Will I have to determine whether or not fuckin' on the Holodeck counts or will this be a complete waste of 45 minutes of my life? Let's found out!

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't know which particular episode of zany Holodeck misadventures this is. Is it a private dick episode? One with Shakespeare shit? Robin Hood? Who knows! I think all of them kind of suck so its a moot point.

Plot Synopsis 

The Enterprise is en route to meet some bugmen on a diplomatic mission. Riker informs us that they are sticklers for details and get really pissy if someone fucks up their language. The diplomatic mission requires Picard to greet them in their own language and he's having a hell of a time learning it.

We see Picard and Troi studying the bugmen's language. Picard seems to understand the basics of it but is frustrated as fuck about it and thinks it's a shit language. Troi's like, "Like Space English is so good. You spell knife with a k!"

Picard does not. He spells knife with an n.

Troi tells him that the Holodeck has been upgraded so maybe he should take a break and go fuck around with it. Picard is amped as fucked because he heard they added a Dixon Hill program that he wanted to try out.

Awhile later Picard enters the Holodeck and is shocked by how good the program is. It's 1940s private dick shit. Picard (as Dixon Hill) enters an office and meets a dame I assume is Dixon Hill's secretary. She asks Picard if he lost a bet. Picard is perplexed so the secretary asks him why he's dressed as a bellhop. She then tells him that there's a dame with killer gams in Picard's office waiting for him before she leaves for a date with her guy.

After that good, good theme song, Picard enters his office to find the dame with the killer gams and tells her that he lost a bet to excuse his wonky uniform. The dame with the killer gams tells him that she thinks someone is trying to kill her but she doesn't know who it is. It might be her step-daughter. It might be her husband.

"A lover?" asks Picard.

It might be a lover. She asks Picard's rates. He tells her $20 plus expenses. She gives him a "c-note" to keep him on retainer and then kisses him and takes his business card before leaving. Picard then looks out the window of his office and sees automobiles out on the street and starts geeking out over it.

There's a knock on the door and Picard tells whoever is on the other side, "You'll have to call again, I was just leaving. I'm uhh... not dressed properly." Picard then leaves the Holodeck as the door to his office opens in a random-ass 1940s dude comes in and finds that Picard (as Dixon Hill) is no longer there.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard, still with some dame's lipstick smudged on his face, walks down the hall like a guy who just fucked while people look at him and point and giggle.

Later in the conference room, Picard is going absolutely BUCK WILD about how dick-fucking-awesome the new and improved Holodeck is since he looked out the window and how when he looked down on the street he "actually saw automobiles!"

Worf is all like, "Auto-mo-biles?"

While leads Data to talk about automobiles were vehicles and also status symbols for guys with small dicks and were also, "a prime ingredient in teenage mating rituals." This last bit piques Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher's interest because I guess he's horny now.

Dr. Beverly Crusher wipes the dame with great gams' lipstick off Picard's face as he continues ranting to his staff about this really cool thing he saw on the Holodeck. "The sense of reality was absolutely incredible!" he says, "When that woman kissed me, it was so..."

"Exciting?" asks a disgusted looking Dr. Beverly Crusher.

"Real!" replies Picard.

Picard then invites Dr. Beverly Crusher to accompany him next time. One of the crew suggests that Picard also take some crew member named Mr. Whalen who is apparently a 20th Century historian. Picard thinks this is great and states that the next time he goes he'll wear some period appropriate clothing.

Eventually Picard is like, "Oh fuck we were supposed to talk about those bugmen!"

Riker reminds Picard that he has to do the greeting perfectly if he wants the diplomatic mission to succeed and brings up a previous attempt that failed and led to 20 years of strife. Data asks Picard if he wants to rewatch the footage of the Federation's last attempt at forging a relationship with the bugmen. Picard gets pissed off and tells him he's seen it enough and then is like, "Fuck this shit! I'm going back to the Holodeck!"

Later, Data and Geordi are walking down the hall talking about why Picard didn't want to watch footage of the failed diplomatic mission with the bugmen before discussing Dixon Hill. Data asks who Dixon Hill is and Geordi tells him that he was a detective like Sherlock Holmes. Since Data loves Sherlock Holmes they riff on Sherlock Holmes stuff, saying "indubitably" a bajillion times. Data then goes to a computer and has the computer give him all the writing about Dixon Hill available. He reads all of it.

Elsewhere in the ship, Picard, dressed in a suit, is joined by Mr. Whalen (also dressed in a suit). are waiting outside the Holodeck. Dr. Beverly Crusher will apparently join them shortly. Before they go in, Data (also dressed in a suit and fedora) appears and asks to join them, explaining that he is now an expert on Dixon Hill. The two men and one android then enter the Holodeck.

They walk down the street and meet a newspaper salesman who greets Picard by yelling, "Hey, Dix! How's tricks?"

Picard, not being hip to the lingo of 1940s San Francisco, replies, "Oh, she's fine," and then asks for a newspaper.

In spite not having any money, the newsie gives him the paper and then turns his attention to Data who is clearly not "from around here." Picard, with his nose in the newspaper, declares that Data is from South America to which the newspaper man replies, "Yeah, he's got a nice tan!" I was confused by this because I didn't know if the guy was being sarcastic or if the denizens of the Holodeck perceived "real people" differently than other "real people" would have. At first I thought it might be the later, but later in the episode someone compares Data to a ghost so it's probably just sarcasm, but I digress.

They talk about baseball for awhile which Picard seems perplexed by. Since they play baseball on a Holodeck episode of Deep Space Nine I'm going to chalk Picard's unfamiliarity with baseball to his Frenchness.

After a few minutes of fucking around we finally get to the reason for this particular scene's existence: Picard discovers that the dame with great gams from earlier has been murdered! A pair of cops show up and start asking Picard about where he was the night before and then takes him in for questioning because the dame with the great gams had Picard's business card on her when they found her.

Back on the bridge, Riker is holding shit down when suddenly the bugmen launch a probe at the Enterprise which causes the ship to shake and all kinds of systems to get fucked up. Down in the hallway, the doors to the Holodeck randomly open and close repeatedly. Back up on the bridge the bugmen call the Enterprise and are pissed off that they have to speak to Riker. They demand to speak to the Captain so Riker sends Geordi to go get him off the Holodeck.

Down in the hallway, Dr. Beverly Crusher, now dressed as a 1940s dame tries to enter the Holodeck. The doors are all fucked up, but she goes in away and meets up with Whalen and Data in a police station.

Data, sounding like a 1940s gangster greets her by saying, "Hiya doc. What's cookin'?"

She explains that she had some trouble getting onto the Holodeck and then ask where Picard is. Data tells her that, "He's on ice," but Dr. Beverly Crusher doesn't understand so Data clarifies, "He's being grilled."

"What is he, a fish?" asks Dr. Beverly Crusher.

20th Century Historian, Whalen, then puts it in terms that even a doctor could understand, "He's being interrogated. They think he committed a murder." Dr. Beverly Crusher is delighted by this and wonders why they aren't all being interrogated. She wants to go into the interrogation room, but Whalen stops her.

Meanwhile in the interrogation room Officer Badcop is grilling Picard who seems to be having the time of his life.

Outside in the hallway, however, Geordi has discovered that the Holodeck is fucked up. He informs Riker that he's unable to contact anyone inside the Holodeck.

We return from break to check in on the bridge. Riker decides to go down to the Holodeck and help Geordi. Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher puts on his Boy Genius hat and tells Riker that he knows everything there is to know about Holodecks and asks to go with Riker to help. Riker's like, "Fuck that, you're piloting the ship or some shit right now..."

Troi however vouches for the fact that Wesley is a boy genius and also reminds Riker that Wesley's mom, Dr. Beverly Crusher, is among those trapped on the Holodeck so Riker relents and he and Wesley head off to go help Geordi.

Back in the interrogation room, Picard has had enough the Holodeck and needs to get back to the Enterprise for the very important diplomatic mission. He tells Officer Badcop that he has to go, but Officer Badcop isn't having it. After he storms off Officer Goodcop tells Picard that he'll try and help him out. They eventually decide to let him go but Officer Badcop warns him not to leave town.

Picard replies that if he leaves town, the town will leave with him. Officer Goodcop invites Picard to dinner at his house. Picard tells him he has a date with "Enterprise," and Goodcop tells him that he'll bring over a bottle of whiskey to talk about her later.

Out in the waiting room, Dr. Beverly Crusher is obsessed with some 1940s dame who was probably a "working girl." Dr. Beverly Crusher watches her and attempts to mimic what the 1940s dame is doing. This draws the attention of a cop working a desk job probably on account of being a racist scumfuck that the general public was outraged by since working a desk job seems to be the fate of most of those guys, but that's probably a topic best left to The Star Trek Racism Report to cover. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report! The racist desk cop gives Dr. Beverly Crusher gum which she immediately swallows. He seems to have the hots for her and invites her to some dance, but Picard appears and she and Picard then eyefuck each other.

Picard thinks that Dr. Beverly Crusher looks hot as fuck dressed like a 1940s dame. I do not disagree. She asks if Picard can "show (her) his office before they leave." Whalen and Data, not realizing she's talking about getting fucked in a private dick's office are like, "Can we come too?!"

Picard is pissed that he's not going to get to plow Dr. Beverly Crusher on the red leather fuck sofa that was in the Dixon Hill Private Dick office, but allows the two dweebs to accompany him. The four arrive at the office and are met there by a rat-looking motherfucker named Leech.

He's like, "I need to talk to you Mister Hill," but Picard tells him to come back later because he's busy. Leech tells Picard that he's being rude and then draws a gun on them,

Back out in the hallway, Wesley and Geordi are troubleshooting the Holodeck. Wesley, being the boy genius that he is, determines that the trouble was probably caused by the scan the bugmen conducted and says that it won't be easy to fix. Yar then calls and informs Riker that they've arrived in the bugman system but there haven't been any other communications from them.

Meanwhile on the Holodeck, Leech, still with a pistol drawn, demands to know what Picard has done with the ITEM! that he (as Dixon Hill) was hired to find. Whalen bows up to him like a tough guy and Leech blasts him. Whalen falls backwards and everyone applauds his commitment to the bit, but Whalen brings his hand up from his gut and sees that it's covered with blood.

"But... they're not real!" he whines.

Something has gone seriously wrong in the Holodeck and Dr. Beverly Crusher rushes over to administer aid to the now dying 20th Century Historian as we go once again to commercials.

Back from commercials Dr. Beverly Crusher says that if they don't get Whalen to the sickbay right awhile he will die. Leech, still with his gun drawn, moves closer but Picard karates him, knocking the gun from his hand and then backfisting him in the mug. Leech runs off and Picard tells the Holodeck to open the exit, but there's no response. Data goes to look for another door, but he comes up short as well. The crew on the Holodeck realize that they are trapped!

On the bridge, Riker tells Geordi and Wesley Crusher that they are quickly running out of time. The bugmen will expect their diplomatic greeting soon.

Back in Dixon Hill's Private Dick Office, Dr. Beverly Crusher is working to keep 20th Century Historian Whalen alive while Picard and Data attempt to find a way off the Holodeck. Suddenly Leech returns with a big fat man and a non-big fat man. The big fat man introduces himself as Cyrus Roadblock and demands Picard hand over the ITEM! that they tasked him with retrieving.

Roadblock politely asks Picard if he can search the office for the ITEM! which Data is perplexed by since Roadblock is clearly a d-bag but is being super polite about things. Roadblock is all like, "Good manners matter dude!" He then tells his men to get Whalen's corpse out of the room. One guy wants to throw him in the dumpster but Roadblock tells him to just stick him in the other room.

Picard tells him not to and ends up getting pistol whipped by Leech. Officer Goodcop then walks in with the aforementioned bottle of whiskey. He's surprised to find Roadblock and the other gangsters there and he's quickly disarmed. Goodcop scolds Picard for hanging out with street-toughs and then everyone shoots the shit for awhile.

Roadblock eventually realizes that Data looks like a goddamn ghost and asks where he's from. Data starts to explain that he's not from this world but Roadblock doesn't believe him. Picard says that he's from South America, but Roadblock doesn't believe that either. Picard then admits that Data was being honest and they are from another world. Data adds that none of the Dixon Hill characters are actually real which causes Leech to freak the fuck out. He wants to shoot Data but Roadblock tells him to shoot Dr. Beverly Crusher instead.

Leech points his pistol at her head. COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Back from commercials, Picard saves Dr. Beverly Crusher from getting her brains blown out by telling Roadblock that he has the ITEM! and Roadblock tells Leech to hold off on killing Dr. Beverly Crusher. Picard then tries to bargain with Roadblock. Roadblock laughs and tells Picard that he knew that he was just like him and asks what he wants. Picard tells him that he'll hand over the ITEM! if Roadblock lets them get help for Whalen.

Meanwhile back on the bridge, Riker tries to call the bugmen but he just hears some shrill-ass noise that should have come with a headphone warning for those of us watching on our phones twenty-two years after the fact. He quickly hangs up on them and then calls down to Geordi and Wesley to see what's going on.

Wesley tells Riker that he knows what need to be done to fix the Holodeck but is concerned because if the repairs aren't done properly everyone inside the Holodeck could vanish. Um...that's not how the Holodeck works in any other episode is it? Like if the thing fails everyone will just end up in a blank room and all the 1940s dames and cops and gangsters will fade away. I guess Wesley Crusher doesn't know everything there is to know about Holodecks after all. Riker, knowing Wesley is talking shit, tells him to go ahead and repair the thing.

Back in the holodeck, the Enterprise crew attempts to explain what is really happening to Roadblock, but Roadblock doesn't know what the word, "computer" means. Picard attempts to explain that he's not actually Dixon Hill, he just looks like Dixon Hill.

Data confirms that Picard is speaking the truth, saying, "From your point of view, he is only a facsimile, a knock-off, a cheap imitation..."

Picard is not amused and Leech is getting pissed off and wants to kill Data. The Holodeck suddenly changes from a 1940s private dick's office to a blizzard on Hoth or some similar ice planet. The get snowed on for a couple seconds before returning to the private dick's office. All the 1940s guys are like, "WOAH! WTF WAS THAT?!"

A Holodeck exit suddenly appears and opens, revealing a hallway on the Enterprise. Picard explains to Roadblock that that exit is a way into their world. He says that if they allow him to go out with Whalen to get him treated he'd return with the ITEM! and give it to them. Roadblock, however, has some other ideas. Ideas that Data quickly realizes.

"If you are going to go through yourself, sir that is not possible," he says to Roadblock.

Roadblock tells him, "One look at you, sir is proof that anything is possible," and then tells Leech to come with him.

Roadblock and Leech then leave the Holodeck and start to walk down the hallway of the Enterprise but quickly begin to dematerialize on account of not actually being real. Roadblock starts screaming, "DON'T THEY KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M CYRUS ROADBLOCK!" and then fades to nothingness.

Back on the Holodeck, Data crushes the anonymous gangster's gun and then asks Picard's permission to punch him in the face.

"PERMISSION GRANTED!"

*POW!*

The gangster is knocked the fuck out. Why didn't they do this as soon as Whalen got for real shot? Data's got super strength and super speed and probably wouldn't have gotten that wrecked even if he had been shot on account of being a robot and could have easily disarmed all the gangsters before things escalated to Dr. Beverly Crusher getting a gun pointed at her head. The logic of the episode really sucks.

Anyway, Picard then has Data take Whalen to the sickbay. Dr. Beverly Crusher goes with them leaving Picard alone to talk to Officer Goodcop. I guess he and Picard are best buddies now or something. Officer Goodcop tells Picard, "I guess this is the Big Goodbye..." EPISODE TITLE ALL UP IN THIS MUG! They then talk to each other for a bit like they're in love with one another before Officer Goodcop asks Picard what will happen to him when Picard walks out that door. "Will my wife and kid still be waiting for me at home?" Picard has no idea and then walks out that door. The Holodeck goes black. Sorry Officer Goodcop, I think your wife and kid(s) have been reduced to nonexistence.

Picard still in a suit and wearing a fedora then rushes to the bridge to greet the bugmen. He gets them on the phone and after introducing himself in English delivers a greeting in the language of the bugmen. It's a ridiculous sounding fake language that Picard really gets into while looking completely deadpan. I'm kind of curious how many takes this took since it seems like the sort of bullshit that would have caused everyone around him to corpse.

Everyone applauds at this apparently successful diplomatic mission and Data takes a seat at his control station. Geordi asks him how the 1940s private dick Holodeck adventure was and Data replies, "It was raining in the city by The Bay. A hard rain. Hard enough to wash the slime.""

Picard yells at him and Data apologies and then Picard tells Geordi, "Helm, take us out of orbit. And Mr. La Forge?"

"Yes sir?" replies Geordi.

Picard puts his fedora back on and adopts a Bugs Bunny pretending to be an old-timey gangster voice, adding, "Step on it!"

The Enterprise then blasts off to adventure!

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker didn't do anything to demonstrate any intoxication whatsoever so either he was well on top of his drunkness or was stone cold sober during this adventure.

Final Thoughts
A decided lack of fucking coupled with a dumb adventure hook and a lousy "we've got these non-sci-fi costumes lying about better do a gangster episode" Holodeck adventure made for a thoroughly mediocre episode. Of all the things in this episode the thing that bothered me the most (outside of the complete and utter lack of fucking) was the fact that the entire diplomatic mission was just "Say 'Hello' in a funny language." That was it. Picard said "Hello," and that was it. An utterly ludicrous turn of events to say the least. Moreover since they didn't make him delivery the greeting in person or even with the TV turned on couldn't they have just had Data replicate Picard's voice and use computer programming and/or translators to deliver a flawless version of the greeting? I don't know why I'm overthinking this stupid plot hole. I guess that's what happens when I watch an episode of Star Trek with no fucking. Hopefully things turn around in the next episode.

Fuck Count
Many dames and gams but no fucks went down due to Data and Whalen being dweebs. While Data has up to this point been a standout in a lot of these bad early TNG episodes the fact that he prevented Picard from fucking Dr. Beverly Crusher while they were cosplaying as '40s detectives has put him towards the bottom of the list of overall character awesomeness, ranking just above Boy Genius Wesley Crusher, Q, and the Ferengi at present.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 4