Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E08 - Justice

Today, in our continuing work in the exciting field of Star Trek Fuckology, we examine the November 9, 1987 episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation: Justice. If memory serves correctly in this episode the crew visits an especially horny planet so there's a decent chance we might finally put this dry-spell behind us and get some hardcore fucking!

Preexisting Prejudice
This is one of the early episodes I remember reasonably well from earlier viewings. While I don't remember it being a particularly inspired episode it is an episode where that pain in the ass, Wesley Crusher, is sentenced to death for crushing a flower while being a jackanapes which is a solid plot hook. Unfortunately for those of us who hate the Archfiend Wesley Crusher, he manages to avoid death. Spoiler alert I guess...

Plot Synopsis
Picard makes an entry in his Captain's Log informing us that after dropping off some settlers on a random-ass planet the Enterprise discovered another Earth-like planet in a neighboring system. An away team was sent down to explore this planet and found it to be inhabited and particularly lovely.

The away team returns and Riker is fucking AMPED UP over how awesome the planet is. He says the inhabitants are almost identical to humans and the planet itself fucking rules. Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "You know Captain, after all the settling of settlers we did everyone is drained as fuck. Shore leave would be great and the children need fresh air and open spaces."

Picard asks Yar about the inhabitants' laws and customs. She says it's all pretty straightforward common sense stuff before Geordi says that they are a particularly affectionate race of beings. He further explains, saying, "They make love at the drop of a hat."

"Any hat!" exclaims Yar in a manner that leads me to believe she dropped a hat down on Fuck Planet VII.

Picard agrees to Dr. Beverly Crusher's suggestion of shore leave for the crew but wants to send a small group first to make sure it isn't a problem with the locals. He also specifically adds Wesley Crusher to the team to determine how suitable the planet is for young people, which is a really weird thing to do when less than a minute earlier Geordi and Yar were emphasizing how often the people of this planet fuck. It's like, "Wesley I'd like you to go to that Thai sex club and see how suitable it is for you and your classmates to unwind at..." Picard's sometimes a pretty shitty captain.

Picard then tells them that if everything checks out then he'll approve shore leave for the entire crew, but he hopes that it's not all too good to be true. Riker is again AMPED AS FUCK that he gets to go back down to Fuck Planet VII. Data, however, is disturbed by the sensor readings he is picking up indicating that something off the starboard side of the Enterprise is orbiting the planet even though nothing appears on the TV.

After that good, good opening theme we return to the show where Picard is narrating, informing us that the inhabitants of Fuck Planet VII are known as the Edo. He says that the away team, including Boy Genius Wesley Crusher, have beamed down on to the planet to scope it out.

Riker, Yar, Worf, Troi, and Boy Genius Wesley Crusher appear on the surface of Fuck Planet VII. Two of the locals (a man and a woman wearing lingerie) see them appear and run over towards them. Worf is like, "LOOK OUT SIR!" and gets in a defensive stance to protect Riker but Riker explains that those two are the Edo (I guess that the name of this race of alien) that they met before.

As Riker watches the Edo run closer he declares, "They certainly are fit."

Troi, not pleased with Riker's roving eye, scowls and says, "They certainly are..."

The two Edo reach the away team and are all like, "Oh you've come back!" They introduce themselves and hug everyone. Some members of the away team seemingly enjoy these shows of affection more than others with Riker popping a massive boner and Worf awkwardly declaring, "Nice planet."

The residents of Fuck Planet VII are then like, "We should go back to city hall and fuck," but then an 80s babe alien then sees Wesley Crusher and is like, "Oh shit, you're a child...uh...there are some children that you could probably go do child stuff with while the adults get it on. So let's go!"

The residents of Fuck Planet VII are like, "Oh shit, maybe they can't run..."

But Wesley Crusher takes umbrage with this and replies, "CAN'T RUN?! Of course we can run! Uh...right commander?"

Wesley Crusher is right. They can run, and together with the aliens they jog to the city hall or whatever. Worf doesn't know where Rome is. Everyone on Fuck Planet VII jogs everywhere and is super peppy, greeting each other warmly by declaring, "Health and happiness!" and shit like that.

After they arrive at city hall some children show up and are like, "YAY! NEW FRIENDS!" at Wesley Crusher, apparently unaware of how much Wesley Crusher sucks. He runs off with them to play or some neck at Make-Out Peak or whatever it is that space teens do when they end up on Fuck Planet VII. The adults then go into city hall and find that it's basically a porno set with people massaging oily muscle men and groping on each other and shit. There are lutes and moaning. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING! I REPEAT! PEOPLE ARE FUCKING!

Back on the Enterprise, Data has completed his analysis of the anomaly regarding a think lurking outside the ship. All the ship's systems are working properly and the reading a strange invisible thing are accurate if weird as shit. Whatever is out there is something that is apparently neither in nor out of the same dimension as the Enterprise. They look at the TV and still see nothing and then hail the nothingness. Suddenly a big-ass semi-transparent spacebase appears! The Enterprise goes to Red Alert and we go to commercial break!

Coming back from break we are still on the Enterprise. The sensor readings they are receiving are weird and they are having a hard time decoding the transmission they are getting from the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase. Picard tells Geordi to look out a window with V.I.S.O.R. and see if he can determine anything about the weird big-ass semi-transparent spacebase, but he is also poleaxed by what he is seeing stating that it doesn't appear to really be there.

Data, however, makes a bit of a breakthrough, deciphering the transmission they are receiving to mean, "Stand by." A small glowing orb suddenly emerges from the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase and flies to the Enterprise and goes through the walls of the ship like a ghost. As alarm bells ring, the orb makes its way to the bridge where it causes the ship to shudder as it bellows loudly at Picard.

Picard tries to speak with the orb, explaining that they have come to Fuck Planet VII on a peaceful mission of exploration. The orb asks him if he plans on leaving any lifeforms on Fuck Planet VII. Picard tells him that he does not, the people on the planet are merely visiting. The orb then asks Picard why he left lifeforms on the last planet they visited. Picard tells him humans love them some manifest destiny but only colonize uninhabited worlds.

"DO NOT INTERFERE WITH MY CHILDREN BELOW!" the orb screams at Picard.

It then floats over to Data. Data tells Picard that somehow the orb is asking if he is capable of data exchange. Picard tells Data that this might be a chance to figure out what the F is going on and has Data exchange data with the orb. The orb attaches itself to Data's face and Data is promptly knocked the fuck out!

Back down on Fuck Planet VII space teens are fucking around doing cartwheels and stuff. The teen girl from Fuck Planet VII then tells Wesley, "I want to do something too! With you."

Wesley is an incel or something and gets all weirded out and is like, "Uh...what?"

She tells him that she wants to do something he can teach her and then asks if he will. Wesley assume that she wants to fuck and is like, "There are some games I don't quite know yet..." but the teen girl is like, "No I don't want to fuck you, I'm talking about playing ball. Will you teach me?"

Wesley tells her he needs a bat but she doesn't understand so he says a stick will do and they all head off to the gardens to get a stick.

Back at Fuck Planet VII's city hall, Riker emerges from a room with the swagger of a dude who just FUCKED. He walks over to Worf who looks hella uncomfortable with all the fucking that is going on. Riker tells him that he should enjoy himself. Worf responds that he is a warrior and thus does not concern himself with pleasure. Riker is even a Klingon needs love and Worf tells him that he would need a Klingon female.

Riker's like, "I'm not talking about romance my dude! I'm talking about FUCKING!"

Worf tells him that his fucking is so vigorous that if he were to fuck human women or the human-esque women of Fuck Planet VII he would break them. Riker's like, "If anyone else said this I'd think they were bragging." Having Michael Dorn, an African-American, deliver this dialogue seems kind of racist, but at least they're talking about fucking and this is The Star Trek Fuck Report so I'm not going to look at it too deeply. The Star Trek Racism Report can look into it if they want.

Riker then hails the Enterprise to inform them that he just had sex, but can't get them on his cellphone. Riker tells Worf, "This may be nothing, but let's move all our people together."

Worf is then like, "Including Wesley...the boy?" I guess he wants to leave Wesley behind. I don't disagree with this idea.

They get Troi. She doesn't think that anyone on Fuck Planet VII messed with their communications since they are all very open with their thoughts and all seem exceedingly friendly. She and Riker then leave to go find Wesley.

Yar looks to be well on her way to MFF threesome with the two Fuck Planet VII residents that have been dealing with the Enterprise crew this entire time. She's drinking booze and flirting with them when Worf walks over. Yar's like, "Hey Worf get a load of this shit! They're telling me that they have zero crime here on Fuck Planet VII and that no one breaks the law!"

The Fuck Plant VII residents explain that in the past there was all kinds of disorder, but now there is not. Yar asks about police but they are confused. Eventually they figure out what she is talking about and tells her that they have Mediators. Every day one area of their civilization becomes the PUNISHMENT ZONE and the Mediators patrol that area meting out justice. Since the PUNISHMENT ZONE is selected completely at random and no one outside of the Mediators know what area is the PUNISHMENT ZONE everyone follows the laws since they don't want to risk death.

"DEATH?!" scream Yar and Worf.

The Fuck Planet VII inhabitants explain that all crimes are punished by death. They admit it may seem harsh but this wise law has brought about everlasting peace for their people since no one wishes to risk death and therefore no one breaks any rules and besides all the off-limits areas are clearly marked with white fences.

"And just who tells visitors about these rules?!" Yar yells before she and Worf head off to find the boy, Wesley Crusher since he doesn't know jackshit about the laws and is also a dumbass teenage boy.

It's now a race against time as Wesley Crusher is a complete jackass in a world he doesn't understand! He plays catch with the teens from Fuck Planet VII and tells one of them to throw the ball ahead of him. The teen obliges and Wesley leaps over a white fence to catch it and crashes into a small greenhouse, crushing a bunch of flowers contained there within.

The Fuck Planet VII teens are like, "Oh no!" and then things go from bad to worse when the Mediators show up. The teens try to explain that Wesley Crusher is a dumbass outsider who didn't know the rules and Wesley apologies for breaking the greenhouse. They ask him if he is confessing and Wesley says that he is responsible and that no one in Starfleet lies, which I don't think is really true, but whatever. The mediators say that it is an open and shut case since there was an admission of guilt and numerous witnesses.

Riker and Troi show up and try to reason with the Mediators but they aren't having it. The Mediators say that though Wesley Crusher was ignorant of the law the law must be applied to all equally to avoid chaos. They say that the punishment is death and one of them takes out a syringe. Riker freaks the fuck out and judo tosses one Mediator. Yar and Worf show up with their phasers drawn and order the other guy to put down the syringe.

The Mediator does this and says that he thought the crew of the Enterprise came as friends. If this area was still the PUNISHMENT ZONE all of them would also be put to death for doing judo throws and pointing guns at cops. Riker tries to call the Enterprise again but he's still getting no signal.

Back on the Enterprise, the orb finally finishes exchanging information with Data and fucks off back to the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase. When the orb leaves communications are restored but Data is still knocked the fuck out. The away team explain to Picard that they need him down on the planet because Wesley Crusher fucked up real bad.

Back on Fuck Planet VII, Picard beams in to city hall to rap with the plot dude on Fuck Planet VII. They tell him that they're sorry that their criminal justice system is troubling him. Since Wesley is an outsider they have delayed his execution until sunset. They tell Picard that their peaceful way of life has been made possible because of their laws. They then ask if humans execute criminals.

Picard tells them that they used to but no longer do and the people of Fuck Planet VII ask him if at that time people of Earth thought that executions were a suitable form of punishment. Picard tells them that they did at the time but have since learned what causes criminal behavior and have found that executions do not work as a deterrent.

The dude from Fuck Planet VII then gets real snarky with Picard and is like, "Oh you're so muh more advanced and enlightened than we are! Why don't you just uses your superior technology to save Wesley and we'll record him as a Boy Genius from an advanced, enlightened society who managed to escape the barbarism of our backward little world!"

Picard's like, "Listen bro, I don't want to do that. To be completely honest, my own laws prevent me from doing that very thing. I'm just trying to find a solution that works for everyone and doesn't lead to a dumbass kid dying on account of being a dumbass."

He asks them again if Wesley is safe and they assure him that the boy is, unfortunately, very safe. Picard then asks about the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase orbiting their planet. The residents of Fuck Planet VII are like, "Do you mean God?" They say that the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase is "up there" in the sky and protects them from those that would do them harm and are both here and elsewhere at the same time. It's God.

Dr. Beverly Crusher then calls in and tells Picard that Data's awake and needs to speak with him urgently. Troi makes eyebrows at Picard to tell him, "Tell her about her son's death sentence!" but Picard's like, "Uh okay I'll be right back. Talk to you later. Bye!" and hangs up on Dr. Beverly Crusher.

He then says that he wants to take one of the residents of Fuck Planet VII up to his ship to confirm something about their God. The main character lady is like, "I'll be your hostage to assure that the boy is safe," and Picard's like, "WOAH! That's not what I meant at all. I legit just need to show you something!" He then beams up with Troi and the lady from Fuck Planet VII.

They stroll through the Enterprise with the lady from Fuck Planet VII. She is losing her shit over the fact that they have a city in the sky and wonders why with all this god power they have why they didn't just take Wesley back. They bring her to a room with a window and have her look out at the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase.

She falls to her knees in prayer as soon as she sees it and confirms that it is God. She seems to be afraid and Troi opines that being in space with God is no small experience. Troi eventually gets her to say that she knows it to be God because it appeared to the Edo before.

The big-ass semi-transparent spacebase suddenly bellows for Picard to, "RETURN MY CHILD!" and begins moving towards the Enterprise. Picard puts his cellphone on the lady from Fuck Planet VII and has her beamed down to the planet. The big-ass semi-transparent spacebase is satisfied with this and moves back to where it had been.

Picard then goes and talks to Data about what happened with him and the glowing orb. Data explains that there was an exchange of information. They let him know some things and then copied everything that he knew. Picard is confused by Data's continual use of the word "they" so Data explains that there was more than one entity. He also tells Picard that they know that they are worshiped as God by the Edo of Fuck Planet VII, but don't think there's any harm in it at the Edo's current level of development. Data continues by saying the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase in not a spacebase in the way they understand a spacebase and that the entities consider the entire star cluster to be theirs.

Data then opines, "It was probably unwise of us to attempt to place a Human colony in this area. Of course, there are three thousand four other planets in this star cluster in which we could have colonized. The largest and closest..."

Picard gets heated with him and tells him not to babble.

Data, unaware of his babbling was, says he merely has a lot of information to communicate and it might not be organized in a way that Picard likes. Picard cuts him off again and tells him to organize his information into brief answers to his questions since they don't have much time.

Picard then asks, "Do they accept our presence on their planet?" Data tells him that they're presently undecided and are observing the Enterprise out of curiosity.

Dr. Beverly Crusher is then a mom about Wesley Crusher being on death row. "THE EDO WANT TO EXECUTE MY SON!!!" she wails. She tells Picard that she's not going to let this happen which causes Data to wax poetic about motherhood.

Dr. Beverly Crusher then yells at the robot to, "SHUT UP!" before storming off. Data then tells Picard that he was correct earlier and that he does babble.

We return from commercial as Picard narrates to his Captain Log. He calls the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase cum God, a "nemesis," because it's just sitting there observing the Enterprise rather than attempting to communicate with it. Picard wonders if it understands reason in the same way that they do.

Picard then summons Data to chat with him some more and try to figure out what else he knows about the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase cum God and come up with a solution to the sticky situation they currently find themselves in. Picard thinks that they should follow the law but is certain that the Prime Directive was never designed to deal with a boy-child facing execution for some "boys will be boys" roughhousing.

Data tells Picard that he should be worrying about the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase cum God, and not the people down on Fuck Planet VII. and asks Picard if he's willing to choose one life over a thousand lives. Data explains that the orb knows everything that Data knew which means that they know of the Prime Directive, but he wonders how they will perceive it. He wonders how they would react if they were to just take Wesley back especially after their last show of power.

Data is of the mind that even though the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase cum God exists in multiple places and times simultaneously at one point they were the same as humans, existing solely on one plane of existence. Since the Edo themselves have a system of values similar to Starfleet, maybe the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase cum God does as well. He then speculates that much like the colony the Enterprise helped to establish perhaps the Edo are a child race that the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase cum God put down on Fuck Planet VII and now protects.

Dr. Beverly Crusher then arrives and says that since she's done her duty and healed Data she would like permission to beam down to Fuck Planet VII. Picard has her beam down with him and says that he will not allow Wesley Crusher to be executed regardless of the cost.

At city hall, the lady who visited the Enterprise gives Picard back his cellphone and then bows to him like a god. Picard's like, "Lady, I'm just a man, please stand up."

Picard explains to the Edo that he cannot allow Wesley Crusher to be executed, but wishes to find a solution that will be amicable to all parties. The Edo don't like this very much and Wesley Crusher tries to speak on his own behalf, but Picard cuts him off and is like, "You're not involved in this decision boy!"

The Mediators tell Picard that they don't know what the Edo were like before they had their laws. Picard says that he gets it but wants them to understand that the laws he follows won't let him allow one of his crew to be executed for such a minor offense. He says that he will face the wrath of God and Starfleet and the uses his cellphone and tells the Enterprise to beam them up. Nothing happens!

The teleportation room calls back and says that all the systems look fine, but they can't beam anyone up. The Mediators mock Picard and say that God has forsaken him.

Picard turns his gaze to the ceiling and begins to argue that absolute laws such as these cannot possibly be just and then claims that "life itself is an exercise in exceptions." Riker drunkenly wonders, "When has justice ever been as simple as a rulebook?" The teleporter suddenly starts to work again and Picard opines that, "the Edo Lord agrees with you Number One!"

Back on the ship and Picard hails the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase to tell them that they are leaving and will remove their colony if the big-ass semi-transparent spacebase signals for them to do so. The big-ass semi-transparent spacebase fades out and everyone is like, "So is that a yes or a no?" Picard's like, "Whatever. Let's get the fuck out of here," and the Enterprise blasts off to adventure.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Dude was putting the moves on all kinds of alien babes and karate chopping cops and shit. He was clearly drunk as fuck and not even bothering to attempt to acts as if he wasn't.

Final Thoughts
Well, the good news is that after a long dry spell we finally got some heavily implied fucking, which for the time being I will add to my data in this very scientific study I am conducting. The bad news is, this fucking came with a heavy price tag, namely a Wesley-centric episode that had a weird morality to it that was kind of all over the place. Like there was some weird colonist things that Picard gets called out for when that one dude sarcastically is like, "Our backwards laws are so primitive to you..." but at the same time the moral of episode seemed to be that the law shouldn't be applied equally to everyone and rich white boys from good families should be allowed to avoid serious punishment that might ruin their future opportunities. At least there was a lot of asscheeks and sideboobs to make up for this overall shittiness.

Fuck Count
While not as overt as the episode where people caught the fuck plague a few episodes back I'm going to go ahead and say that based on context clues both Yar and Riker fucked in this episode. Since their sexual partners were an indeterminate number of anonymous Edos I'm just giving Riker and Yar each a plus one to their individual fuck counts and not tallying the anything for their potential partners as based on the plot of this episode it is most unlikely that any resident of Edo will return in future episodes.

Tasha Yar: +1
Riker: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 2
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 4