Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E09 - The Battle

After a most welcomed fuck-fest in the last episode I am feeling most refreshed and ready to continue my exceedingly scientific research. Today we will be examining the 9th episode of season 1, The Battle, which debuted on November 16, 1987.

Preexisting Prejudices

I've no memory of this episode, but the brief plot synopsis for it mentions Ferengi which does not instill in me a great deal of confidence. The Ferengi, particular the Ferengi circa season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, are routinely awful, so I'm not looking forward to this episode.

Plot Synopsis
Picard narrates about the plot hook for this episode. The Enterprise has arrived at some random star system to rendezvous with a Ferengi ship that requested a meeting. Picard, via voice-over, informs us that they arrived and hailed the vessel three days ago but since then have only received, "Stand by Enterprise."

The actual episode begins with Dr. Beverly Crusher visiting Picard in his lair. He tells her that he's feeling rundown and has a wicked bad headache and Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "A WHAT?!" That's right kids in The Next Generation, headaches are like measles before Jenny McCarthy started flapping her gums about science.

Dr. Beverly Crusher gives Picard a quick medical scan but can't find anything wrong with him and orders him to go to sickbay for additional tests because she is the only person on the ship that can order Picard around or something. Before Picard can go to the sickbay though he gets word that the Ferengi vessel has finally hailed the Enterprise. Picard tells Dr. Beverly Crusher that the sickbay will have to wait and returns to to the bridge.

On the bridge they bring up the Ferengi leader, a dude named Daimon Bok. I think the last Ferengi leader who showed up was also named Daimon so I guess that's a title or something since he looks different and in plot it's not even an incident of a part being recast since Picard has no idea who the dude is though the Ferengi Daimon seems to recognize him.

Daimon wants to meet Picard in person on either the Enterprise or the Ferengi ship. They mute the phone and Troi says that she senses deception and so they agree to meet each other on the Enterprise in an hour's time so the crew members will have the upper hand.

After that good, good opening, Picard goes down to the sickbay to get examined by Dr. Beverly Crusher. Again she can't find anything wrong with him so she gives him a painkiller to temporarily mask the pain and sends Picard on his way.

Picard then returns to the bridge where moments later, Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher shows up wearing his classic rainbow uniform for the first time and tells Geordi that in a minute the intruder alert is going to sound. The bells start to ring and Wesley explains that he was boosting the long-range sensors and detected a ship approaching. Geordi picks it up on his scanners as well and determines that it's an unidentified Constellation Class starship. Geordi hails it but it's not responding or sending out call letters.

Picard scolds Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher for not following proper procedure and phoning the bridge when he discovered the ship rather than coming up to the bridge to deliver the news in person...so he could be there when the Ferengi arrived. He's sorry or something but he sucks so I don't care.

The Ferengi then beam on to the Enterprise. Daimon Bok is accompanied by his first and second mates: Kazago and Rata. Bok informs Picard that the starship is under their control and is a gift to the "Hero of the Battle of Maxia." Everyone's like, "WTF is Maxia? LOL!"

Data, being a dildo with internet access Asks Jeeves about The Battle of Maxia" and informs us that Bok might be referring, "to an encounter which occurred nine years ago in the Maxia Zeta star system in which an unidentified starship..."

Bok takes EXTREME umbrage with this and shouts, "UNIDENTIFIED?! THAT FINE VESSEL WAS FERENGI!!!!"

Data finishes his explanation by telling Picard that he destroyed the fine vessel, Ferengi or otherwise. Picard is then stricken with another headache. He orders Geordi to put the approaching ship on the TV and Picard is amazed to see that it is his old ship, the Stargazer.

The Ferengi say that they found it adrift and are returning it to Picard as a gift. Bok also says that the ship's logs will be downloaded into the Enterprise's system. One of his officers begins to say, "For a price," but is cut off by Bok who shouts, "NO PRICE!" His officers are completely poleaxed by this lack of mercantilism.

Back from commercials we get Picard narrating that the Ferengi have returned to their ship and have given possession of the Stargazer over to the Enterprise.

In the breakroom, Picard regales the crew with what little he remembers of the "Battle of Maxia." He tells them that they'd been traveling through the system when they were suddenly fired upon by an unidentified ship. Their shields were damaged and as they were determining what to do, the mystery ship fired on them again.

Picard suddenly gets weird and asks someone named Vigo to identify the ship that's attacking them. The rest of the crew are like, "Yo Cap'n you're straight tripping dude! There's no one here named Vigo."

Picard's like, "Oh fuck, you're right. Vigo was a dude on the Stargazer." Picard then continues his story telling how he best the unknown spaceship using a move that has since become known as the Picard Maneuver, a move involving warp speed that made it look to the Ferengi like the Stargazer was in two different places. The Ferengi fired on the image of the Stargazer and then the real Stargazer appeared and blew them the fuck up at pointblank range. Unfortunately the Stargazer was royally fucked and the crew had to abandon ship, and were forced to drift through space in shuttles for weeks until they were picked up.

Later, Yar, Data, Worf and Geordi are on the Stargazer checking for traps or something. Geordi turns the power on and once the ship gets the all clear from Yar, Picard beams aboard. He talks to the spaceship, greeting it with a, "Hello old friend," before going to his old cabin to look at the stuff he left behind when he abandoned ship some nine years earlier.

Picard is rummaging through his stuff, undoubtedly looking for his old stash of space nudie mags, when he is stricken by another headache. If I had to guess the cause is probably the weird glowing red orb that's randomly stashed in his footlocker. We briefly check in with Bok over on the Ferengi vessel and see that he has another glowing red orb that he's controlling, thus confirming my theory that the weird red orb is responsible for Picard's migraines.

Back on the Stargazer, Dr. Beverly Crusher sees Picard in distress and brings him back to the Enterprise and tells him that his belongings will be beamed over later.

Later the Enterprise tows the Stargazer with a tractor beam. Data tells Picard that Starfleet will pick it up from them at some Starbase. Picard then goes to his lair to take a nap because his head is still reall fucked up. He falls asleep in 2 seconds because this is a TV show and begins to dream of the Battle of Maxia.

Meanwhile in the office, Data plays an entry from Picard's personal log that they got off the Stargazer that contradicts the official account. On the recording, Picard says that he mistakenly identified the Ferengi ship's antenna as a weapons array and fired on them without provocation, destroying the ship completely.

After the commercial break Riker shows the log to Picard who denies making it, but says he has to report it to Starfleet so it won't become a problem later. Riker believes that the recording was doctored and will look into it. Picard gets another headache and returns to his quarters, leaving Riker in charge. Riker calls the Kazago, the first officer of the Ferengi ship, and tells him it is weird that Bok gave the Stargazer back to Starfleet. Bok seems to agree but doesn't want to criticize his captain.

Dr. Beverly Crusher arrives at Picard's quarters to check on him. His headache is getting worse and he tells he that he's worried about whether or not he did the right thing in Maxia. Dr. Beverly Crusher is tells him he had no choice, but Picard isn't so sure. She then gives Picard a sedative and sends him to bed. Picard falls asleep and again dreams of the battle.

He finds himself aboard the Stargazer as it burns with his old crew while on the Ferengi vessel Daimon Bok fucks around with his glowing orb and laughs at Picard's misfortune.

Back in the office, Data tells Riker that the metadata proves that the log was indeed a forgery. Picard comes in and is chipper as fuck. They tell him the records were faked and then Dr. Beverly Crusher walks in with scans of Picard's brain and is surprised to find him there. Picard sends everyone except Riker away. Once everyone else has fucked off he tells Riker to release the Stargazer from the tractor beam.

Riker's like, "Uh why?" and Picard tells him that the inertia of the ship will allow the Stargazer to follow the Enterprise without using a tractor beam. Picard then mocks Riker for being dumb at school and Riker's like, "Okay I'll go release the Stargazer."

Down in sickbay, Dr .Beverly Crusher is talking to Troi about Picard's headaches when Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher shows up and puts on his boy genius hat.

"Those waveforms in Captain Picard's brain look just like the low frequency waveforms that are being transmitted from the Ferengi ship. I bet they're totally connected," he says.

Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher realizing that whatever Season 1 Wesley Crusher says is truth rush off to go tell Riker what's going on. Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher then leans up against a wall and smugly says, "You're welcome ladies." SOMEONE PLEASE KILL WESLEY CRUSHER!

The ladies go and see Riker and tell him what Wesley Crusher had discovered about Picard's brain. It has been determined that something they brought back from the Stargazer must be fuckling with Picard's brain and Worf recalls a particularly heavy chest he brought back. Riker has the ship's computer check on Picard's location, a computer ability that was introduced back in episode one and has been seen since. The computer tells him that Picard's in a teleportation room so Riker sounds an alarm, but it's too late. Picard has beamed off the ship.

Over on the Stargazer, Picard materializes. Daimon Bok shows up with his glowing red orb and has Picard raise the ship's shields. Picard does so, thus preventing the Enterprise from beaming him back to their ship. Bok then dumps some plot on Picard, informing him that the ship Picard blew up nine years ago was being Daimoned by his son. Bok has spent the last nine years devising a plot to get revenge on Picard and spent his life savings purchasing two glowing red orbs. He then tells Picard that he's going to get a chance to relive the battle and experience the loss that he felt nine years back. Bok leaves the orb on the Stargazer and then beams back to his ship, leaving Picard alone.

Back on the Enterprise the crew has discovered the orb within Picard's quarters. The Stargazer moves away from the Enterprise and turns to attack so Riker calls Kazago back and asks where Bok is. He says that Bok is working in the lab so Riker speaks directly to him and shows him the red glowing orb. Kazago tells him it's a "thought maker," and is super illegal.

Picard then calls them and is yelling for them to identify themselves. Riker realizes that he's going to use the Picard Maneuver on them and asks Data if there's any defense. Data says there isn't and Riker's like, "Then come up with one dude!"

Kazago calls back and tells Riker that he doesn't want to get involved with whatever is going on between the Oomans of the Enterprise and the Stargazer, but wanted to like Riker know that Daimon Bok has been removed from command for engaging in an "unprofitable venture."

Riker hangs up on him and Data tells him that he has an idea of how to defend against the Picard Maneuver. It's a lot of sci-fi words that are heavy on the sci so they made my head hurt. Basically they use a tractor beam to freeze the Stargazer before it can shoot them. It's a bad plan, but it works.

Riker then gets on the horn and hails Picard over on the Stargazer. He explains to Picard that the Ferengi have been controlling his thoughts with some sort of orb. Riker tells Picard to look for a silver orb even though a normal person would describe the orb as red since that was the predominant color of the aforementioned orb. Picard finds it and then blows it up with his phaser and is sent flying be the subsequent explosion.

When the smoke clears, Picard comes to and demands to know where Bok is. Riker tells him that he's been removed from command and arrested by the Ferengi for his revenge plot because there wasn't any profit in it.

"In revenge, there never is," opines Picard. He then says, "Let the dead rest and the past remain the past," and beams back onto the Enterprise to end the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker made minimal appearances in this episode so it was hard to get a solid read on how drunk he might have been. He conducted himself in a most professional manner throughout the adventure so if he was hammered he hid it quite well. 

Final Thoughts
The premise of this episode was stupid as fuck. Bok was clearly pissed off that Picard blew up a Ferengi ship nine years early and then gave the ship that Picard used to blow up the aforementioned ship back to him as a gift and everyone on the Enterprise was completely fine with this. No one was like, "It's kind of weird that he's all fuming about the Battle of Maxim and is going to give you the ship you used in that battle as a gift. Something smells fishy." If Bok hadn't mentioned the ship being Ferengi in the opening bit and revealed that after he took Picard aboard the Stargazer at the end the episode would have worked just fine, but the way they set it up kind of ham-stringed the episode before it even began. To make matters worse this was a Ferengi heavy episode and those guys, especially in Season 1, suck all kinds of ass. Moreover, though he was only in a paltry two scenes, the two scenes that Wesley Crusher were in annoyed the fuck out of me. Add to these detriments a decided lack of fucking and you've got yourself a very bad episode.

Fuck Count
And we're back to zero... That's right boys and girls, another chaste, boring-ass episode of Star Trek.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 4