Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E10 - Hide and Q

Fuck, another goddamn Q episode and the episode title is playing like it's a pun or something but it REALLY is not. It's times like this that I'm glad I have a singular quest to get through shitty episodes. That quest, for those of you just joining us, is to determine who on Star Trek: The Next Generation fucked the most.

Preexisting Prejudices

I can't remember precisely which Q episode this is, but I never really liked Q as an antagonist. There was something about having a trickster god as a foe for a HARD SCIENCE sci-fi show that never really worked for me. I don't know. Hopefully some people fuck.

Plot Synopsis
Today's adventure begins, as always, with Picard dropping a Captain's Log. He talks about how Troi's not going to be in this episode because she's away on holiday before saying that after dropping her off for her vacation, the Enterprise got a call for medical assistance from a nearby mining colony that had a methane gas explosion. 504 colonist have been injured by the explosion of butt fumes.

We see Dr. Beverly Crusher and a nameless grandma medic preparing to administer emergency medical relief before checking in on the bridge where Geordi tells Picard that they ship is traveling at warp 9.1 and will arrive at Planet Mining Disaster II in three hours. Suddenly some alarms go off. OH FUCK IT'S Q'S SPACE FENCE AGAIN!

The Enterprise is trapped by the space fence and Q, taking the form of a floating three-headed cobra-ball appears on the bridge of the Enterprise. He tells them that the Q Force has taken an interest in humans after checking out the shit they've gotten up to in the past 9 episodes and has something they'd like to discuss with them.

Picard is like, "Fine man whatever! We'll talk later! We're on an urgent mission right now!"

Q tells Picard to abandon his mission and transforms into a Starfleet Admiral. Picard absolutely cannot believe that shit declaring, "You're no Starfleet admiral, Q!"

Picard then tells Q that his people are "suffering and dying," but Q cares little about the 504 miners dying of fart related injuries on Planet Mining Disaster II and tells Picard to abandon his mission, declaring sardonically, "Oh, your species is always suffering and dying..."

Q then says that he is going to make them an offer than they cannot refuse and will make their wildest dreams come true.

We return from the opening credits to find Picard still pissed off at Q being a dick to people. Picard says he's willing to rap with Q about whatever the fuck it is that he's on about after he saves people from the fart disaster but Q's like, "Yo Riker, you seem drunker and more willing to engage in zany antics what do you think about my offer of making all your dreams come true."

Riker's all smirking and shit, but sees that Picard is staring daggers at everyone and then pretends to be all serious and is like, "We don't have time for your games Q!"

Q gets very excited about the idea of a game and then, like a movie serial killer is all like, "AW YE YE! LET'S PLAY A GAME!" and teleports everyone off the bridge save for Picard to a soundstage somewhere in Hollywood. There's a backdrop of a green sky with a couple suns and some Styrofoam rocks littering the landscape.

Data informs them that it is an M-Class planet which means humans can survive there. It seems like this is the case of ever planet they visit on Star Trek: The Next Generation, but that's a convenience I'll leave up to actual science types to nitpick about since I'm only here to study the fucking. Anyway they find some tents and stuff that Data says are from the Napoleonic Era of European history. Q is lounging here dressed as a Napoleonic marshal.

Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Picard is seemingly all alone. No one answers when he calls them and none of the automatic doors open. I hope for his sake he doesn't have to take a piss.

Back on the soundstage, Q invites Riker to drink with him. They are drinking lemonade apparently which is very out of character for Riker since I don't know if hard lemonade was a thing that would have existed in 1987 and thus have been a thing that would have been in the distant future dreamed of in 1987. Riker's like, "What about my buddies?" and Q gives them some drinks as well.

Worf scowls at him and pours it out and then tosses the glass away. Q mocks him saying, "'Drink not with thine enemy.' The rigid Klingon code!" He then turns back to Riker and is like, "I understand now how you defeated them..."

Q then talks about the game with Riker stating that games need rules, and risks and rewards. He says the goal of the game is to stay alive and promises a great future for humanity if they win but declares that something disastrous will happen if they lose. The crew is like, "Yo, how do we know this game will be fair?" Q says that they needn't worry about that since the game is going to be completely unfair to them.

Yar is then like, "YO THAT'S NOT FAIR!" and Q teleports her away somewhere.

Riker gets all pissed off and is like, "Where is she, Q?" and then start to tell Q that he can shove his game up his dirty asshole if he hurt her, but Q cuts him off and tells him that she's in a "penalty box" where she will remain unharmed unless someone else is sent to the penalty box at which point she must surrender the box to the new penalized participant.

They ask Q where Yar will go if that comes to pass and Q is like, "Into nothingness." He then implores them to be mindful of the rules since the fate of Lt. Yar is not solely in their hands.

Back from commercials we check back in with lonely Picard who is apparently entirely alone on the Enterprise. He tries to make a Captain's Log but his tape recorder is all fucked up. Yar suddenly shows up and Picard is like, "Yo WTF is going on!"

Yar somehow knows the entire gimmick about the penalty box even though she'd not been present when Q explained it to her companions. She's upset at the thought of becoming nothing and starts to cry. She's all like, "YO WTF AM I DOING?!"

Picard comforts her and says, "There's a new ship's standing order: when one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted."

She laughs and then the two gaze at each other like they're about to fuck but fucking Q shows up and totally cockblocks my man Picard! He's all like, "Dude you're her boss! Fucking her now, when she's upset about being in the penalty box is a bad look!"

Picard is pissed off and sees Q still dress up like Napoleon and throws some shade at him over his outfit. "A MARSHAL OF FRANCE?! RIDICULOUS!"

Q tells him that a job's a job and then tells Yar that her penalty is over. He then makes an entry in Picard's Captain's Log. He says that his game is a test to determine whether or not the First Officer of the Enterprise, Commander Riker, is worthy of the greatest gift a Q can offer. Picard gets pissed and makes a bet with Q that Riker will turn Q down. Picard bets his command against Q promising to fuck off forever at the end of this episode. Q then tells him that he's already lost because he's going to offer Riker something that will be impossible to refuse.

Back down on the soundstage, Geordi uses V.I.S.O.R. to check out Worf as he does recon some alien forces. They are dressed like they are on the box of the game Risk but are weird space orcs or some shit.

Back on the ship Picard goes to his office where Q is reading Picard's Shakespeare collection. Picard wants to know why Q always has to be a dick instead of just directly asking for whatever it is he wants. Q and Picard then quote Hamlet at each other so Patrick Stewart can show off his Shakespearean theatre acting chops for the first time of many on Star Trek: The Next Generation. This pisses off Q who hurls the book at Picard and teleports away after Picard via Shakespeare implies that one day humans will be like gods and that this scares Q.

Back on the soundstage Riker, Data and Geordi are chilling out talking about how shitty muskets are as weapons. Riker tests out his phaser to make sure that Q isn't fucking with them and blows up a Styrofoam rock. Worf suddenly comes flying back causing Geordi to holler, "Incredible, Worf! You came out of nowhere!"

Worf, however, downplays this. "A warrior's reaction."

The space orc Risk soldier show up and quickly demonstrate that their musket are actually laser guns. They start wrecking shop on anything when Q shows up, taking the form of Data. Q explains to Riker that he now has Q-esque god powers and will be able to teleport his buddies back to the Enterprise. Riker does so and absolutely cannot believe what has happened.

Back on the Enterprise the space fence has vanished and everything on the Enterprise seems to be working again. Picard asks engineering if everything is up and running again and they're like, "WTF are you talkin' about boss, nothing was ever not up and running."

Yar gets on Geordi's computer and confirms that no time has passed and the Enterprise is still on the course it was before Q showed up. Picard tells her to keep going because they still have a big fart disaster to take care of. Data, Geordi and Worf suddenly return without Riker. Picard tells them that Q is weirdly interested in Riker.

Back down on the soundstage, Riker is sitting on a Styrofoam rock drunkenly laughing his ass off. Q shows up and talks to Riker about the God Powers he just gave him. Riker is like, "Yo, what the fuck do you want from me?"

Q tells him that before Encounter at Farpoint the Qonclave they only thought that humans were dumb savages but now they understand that humans are unique creatures in that they hate the status quo and thus are constantly evolving and thus might be stronger than the Qonclave one day and so they want a human to join them to explain how humans do it.

Riker is like, "Or you're afraid of us. So why not fuck off?"

Q vanishes and the crew from the Enterprise, including Picard and Wesley Crusher suddenly appears back on the soundstage. The space orcs from Risk are back again as well and headed towards the crew of the Enterprise. The Star Trekkers reach for their phasers but find that they are all unarmed. Worf is all like, "WAY OF THE WARRIOR!!!" and charges the space orcs. He wrecks shop on some of them via hand to hand combat but ultimately gets over powered and stabbed by a space orc with a bayonet.

Wesley Crusher decides to attempt to use his boy genius powers to save the day and rushes to Worf's aid but gets stabbed in the back!!! THIS FUCKING RULES!!! IT RULES SO MUCH THAT I'M CHANGING THE FORM OF A STANDARD FUCK REPORT ENTRY AND INCLUDING A GIF!!!

WESLEY IS DEAD AS FUCK!!! Riker has seen enough and uses his God Powers to make a space fence to enclose the the space orc Risk soldiers. He then teleports everyone back onto the Enterprise where Worf and unfortunately Wesley Crusher as well, are returned to life. Picard can absolutely not believe this shit!

After a commercial break the Enterprise is a couple minutes away from Planet Mining Disaster II. In Picard's office he has a sit down talk with Riker about Riker's new God Powers. He doesn't want Riker to use the powers. Riker promises that he won't and the Picard wonders if Riker will be strong enough to not.

Down on Planet Mining Disaster II the crew find a small group of injured miners in the mine. While Dr. Beverly Crusher administers medical assistance to some of the miners, Data finds a pile of rubble that someone else is trapped inside. He and Geordi pull off a bunch of rocks and find a small girlchild. Dr. Beverly Crusher stops checking an injured adult and rushes over to check on the child but is like, "She's dead!"

Everyone is like, "Yo Riker can't you use your newfound God Powers to bring this child back to life?" and Riker is like, "Nope...I made someone a goddamn shit-ass promise that I wouldn't! GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE!"

Back on the Enterprise Riker goes and tells Picard that the promise he made was a bunch of bullshit and if he'd been allowed to use his god powers he could have saved a small girlchild. Riker is kind of a dick to Picard, calling him Jean-Luc hella sarcastically and then demanding that Picard arrange a staff meeting with the crew members whose names show up during the opening credits.

Later the crew (and Wesley Crusher) meet on the bridge. Riker says that even though he's now basically a god, he's still the same drunk sex maniac they knew before. He's not now a monster. Picard's like, "You might think you're the same heroically intoxicated cad as before but you're not. You've become a dick who mockingly calls me 'Jean-Luc' over the last three minutes."

Riker is like, "You didn't say shit when I saved Worf and Wesley so why was saving that nameless girl wrong!?"

Picard is all like, "Wesley and Worf got fucked up by some imaginary shit Q summoned. That girl's death was a legit death bro!" He then attempts to convince Riker that Q does not admire humanity they are afraid of humans and have brain fuckled Riker into thinking otherwise.

Q, dressed like a monk, then appears and declares, "Let us pray for understanding and for compassion."

Picard, as sick of this Q character as those of us watching at home are, shouts back, "LET US DO NO SUCH DAMN THING!" Picard is fuming and asks Q why he is constantly playing dress-up and asks, "Have you no identity of your own?!"

Q tells him that he forgives Picard's blasphemy. Picard does not seem amused and yells at Q some more. Q then goads Riker and says that everyone is jealous of him and what he has become. Riker asks Picard if he can give each of his friends a gift before he fucks off forever with Q to go be annoying assholes together somewhere and Picard's like, "Fine whatever you want dickbag!"

Dr. Beverly Crusher, sensing that things are about to get super-weird tries to leave with Wesley, but Riker's like, "Wesley's my best buddy! I know exactly when he wants!" and then turns him into a jacked young adult. Geordi LaForge eyefucks Y.A. Wesley Crusher and is like, "Hey Wes....not bad!" in a super creepy fashion.

Riker then offers to make Data a real boy, but Data turns him down immediately saying that he doesn't want to compound one illusion with another and then quotes Hamlet at Riker and says, "This above all - to thine own self be true."

Riker shrugs and then turns to Geordi and is like, "I know what you want buddy!" and give Geordi working eyeballs. Geordi takes a peek at the Planet Mining Disaster II and then promptly gazes upon Yar and rawdog eyefucks her for the first time ever! He compliments her for being smoking hot because apparently in the Next Generation there is no human resources mandated sexual harassment classes. Geordi, however, quickly tells Riker that he doesn't want his eyes back this way since the price is too high and he doesn't want to thank Q for anything.

Riker returns Geordi's blindness and then turns his attention to Worf. He knows that Worf is lonely as fuck and thus summons a smoking hot Klingon babe in fishnets for him. They growl at each other and then the babe tries to karate chop Yar in the dome so Worf backfists her in the face and sends her flying. They growl at each other some more and the crew yells at Worf to just fuck already. Worf shouts back, "THIS IS FUCKING AND I HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE FOR IT!!!"

Swole Wesley Crusher then walks over to Riker and asks to be made a boychild again since this isn't the right way to become a man. Q yells at him, "IT'S EASIER BOY!" Riker, suddenly realizing that he's been a complete moron for the past couple minutes smirks and tells Picard, "I feel like such an idiot."

Picard replies, "Quite right, so you should!" and then turns  his attention to Q. He pulls off Q's hood and tells him to uphold the wager and kindly fuck off forever, but Q's a petulant child and pouts and tells Picard he doesn't remember any wager.

Picard's like, "I bet your fellow Q will recall the wager and be real happy to learn that you were unable to get my man Riker to join you in your Qonclave or whatever the F you call your crew." There's suddenly thunder because Q is Loki which means somewhere in the Qonclave there's a Q version of Thor and a screaming Q is teleported off the Enterprise.

Everything returns to normal and all the clocks read as if they'd just returned from the rescue mission on Planet Mining Disaster II. Data wonders how Q can deal with space and time with such ease but completely fuck up ever interaction with humans. Picard is like, "Maybe space-time is easier to deal with than 'the human equation.'"

Wesley Crusher surprisingly does not mention that space and time are the same thing as is thought as the Enterprise blasts off to adventure.

How Rikered Was Riker?
He was beyond being Rikered here. Dude was clearly hammered, forgetting space military protocol and randomly using his God Powers to summon a Klingon babe so his buddy could fuck in front of everyone. Dude really needed to reel it in a bit, but by the end of the episode realized he'd fucked up.

Final Thoughts
This episode had Wesley Crusher get a bayonet in the gut which might be the single best image Star Trek: The Next Generation has produced, but I'm merely a Wesley Crusher Getting Maimed hobbyist, my field of expertise is Star Trek Fuckology and in that regard we did not get much actual fucking though in the last five minutes we were given some further insight into the sexuality of Worf and a hint at Geordi's own sexual identity.

While back in the episode where the crew visits Fuck Planet IV, Worf implied that Klingon sex is rough enough to break a human woman here we see first hand that it involves backfists and karate chops and shit. When the crew tell Worf to stop doing karate and start fucking he declares that, "this (doing karate on a babe in fishnets) is fucking!" Unfortunately Worf also declares that he has no place in his life for fucking, so I guess he's asexual now.

Similarly we get a glimpse into Geordi's own sexuality when after Wesley Crusher is turned into a yoked young man by Riker using his God Powers, Geordi promptly eyefucks him and tells him how swole he's looking. A minute later when Riker fixes Geordi's eyes and takes off his V.I.S.O.R. Geordi's first act of business is to eyefuck Yar and tell her how hot she is, so until something else comes along to prove otherwise I'm reading Geordi as bisexual from here on out.

So while we didn't get anything here that changed the current fuck standings we did get some brief insight into the surprisingly (for 1987) broadminded view of human sexuality of the Enterprise's crew which is an important piece of the puzzle going forward.

Fuck Count
As mentioned above no one fucked in this one.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 4