Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E11 - Haven

First airing on November 30, 1987, Haven was the 11th episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It is apparently about the upcoming wedding of one Deanna Troi and the fact that her mom wants to fuck Picard. The episode summary also mentions a "plague ship," but unless it's a fuck plague ship I don't give a shit since it's outside the purview of this scientific study.

Preexisting Prejudices
I have a vague recollection of this episode for a very bizarre reason. My given name was, in America in the 1980s at least, exceedingly rare and this episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation was one of the few instances when I saw a person (real or fictional) who shared my name and wasn't a wild west sheriff. Please don't dox me.

Other than that I don't remember much about this one except I think this might be the episode where an alien culture mentions nude weddings that I erroneously attributed to the Ferengi in an earlier Fuck Report.

Plot Synopsis
During the episode opening voice-over, Captain Picard informs us that the ship is headed to yet another class M planet. This one is known as Haven and from his description is basically Fuck Planet IV revisited. The planet apparently has magical healing powers and the crew of the planet is going to visit for some much needed rest and relaxation. Dude, didn't you just relax at Fuck Planet IV? I know Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher kind of fucked things up but at least your main dudes all got to fuck Space Southern Californian joggers.

On the bridge the crew of the Enterprise is looking out at Haven on TV. Picard says that Haven is said to mend souls and heal broken hearts. Data is like, "Those are just legend and can't possibly be supported by facts," but Picard, feeling somewhat whimsical today tells him that legends are the thing that make the universe great and also sometimes legends come true.

Meanwhile in Riker's lair, Commander Riker is unwinding watching some Ancient Greek Ladies Playing Lyres porn. His wank session is interrupted by Yar calling him and informing him that his presence has been requested in the teleportation room.

"Sorry ladies! Duty calls!" Riker says as he shuts off his porno.

Riker arrives in the teleportation room a moment later and is like, "Yo I stopped watching porn to come down here. What's going on?"

Yar tells him that something is being teleported onto the Enterprise but they don't know what it is. The teleportation boss tells them that Haven has approved whatever it is to be beamed aboard and a weird looking box with a face on it suddenly appears.

Troi then enters and is like, "What's going on here?" The box's face suddenly opens its eyes and is like, "YO I GOT A MESSAGE FOR TROI! LWAXANA TROI (hereinafter Troi's Mom) AND THE MILLER FAMILY ARE GOING TO BE ARRIVING SOON FOR THE MOMENTOUS DAY IS CLOSE AT HAND! AW YE YE!!!!"

Yar is freaked the fuck out and then the face opens up and a bunch of jewels and necklaces and shit spills out of the box's mouth. Yar's all like, "The fuck is this shit?" and Troi tells her that they are "bonding gifts aka wedding presents."

"Who is getting married?" asks Riker.

"I am..." replies Troi. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!!!

Troi meets with Picard in his office and tells him that she thought that after all the time and her distance from her homeworld she assumed everyone would have forgotten about her arranged marriage. She tells him that her betrothed is the son of her father's friend guitar legend, STEVE MILLER! Picard asks Troi if she's going to stay on the Enterprise after she gets married and she tells him that she will not.

Picard's like, "Well congratulations anyway," and then leaves so Troi and Riker can talk.

Troi calls Riker "Bill" for some goddamn reason and then calls him an "imzati" or some made up bullshit that I guess means "beloved." She says that she knows that what he wants most in life if to command a starship, but Riker's like, "That's not all I want in my life." She then invites Riker to dance and her wedding. Riker says that he'll try and then leaves. Data then tells Troi that there's a message from Haven and they wish to beam the Miller family onto the Enterprise.

Guitar Legend Steve Miller, his wife, and their son, Wyatt, arrive on the Enterprise and are met in the teleportation chamber by Picard and Troi. Steve Miller looks old as fuck here. He's all amped up to see the Enterprise, but his wife, who probably did a guest spot on The Golden Girls is all shrill and tells him not to bother Picard. Their son, Wyatt, is acting all shy, as he emerges from behind his parents and gives Troi a mood-ring but a flower.

Troi thanks him for the gift and then asks him where her mom is. She's apparently still on Haven. Wyatt's mom is shrill about Troi's mom and seems to think that she's a bitch or something. Picard has the Millers taken to their quarters and then once they're gone he tells Troi that Wyatt seems like an okay dude.

Troi agrees that he is indeed a fine dude, but because of her X-Man powers knows that she isn't what he was expecting. Troi then warns Picard that her mom is "a little eccentric," before her mother teleports onto the ship along with some giant Lurch looking motherfucker. Troi greets her mom but her mom uses X-Man powers and tells her daughter to use her X-Man powers not her voice.

Troi is all like, "Fuck this shit," and then greets her mother aloud.

Troi's Mom is a bit disappointed that her daughter has seemingly forgotten how to use her X-Man powers. She then approaches Picard and is like, "Don't tell me...you're the captain."

Picard's like, "Yo I know all about your X-Man powers," but Troi's Mom replies, "It's not X-Man powers dude, just common sense that they'd send the ship's captain to meet me." She then asks Picard to carry her luggage.

Troi is mortified that her mother would do something so rude, but Picard is like, "Yo it's no problem, I'll carry her bag." He then tries to pick it up only to find that it weighs like nine gajillion tons. COMIC RELIEF!!!

Back from commercials we see Picard struggling with the heavy-ass suitcase as he leads Troi's Mom down the hall to her quarters. Geordi and Data are all like, "Yo check that out! Picard's weak as fuck!"

Eventually Troi has had enough and she yells at her mom and tells her to have her manservant, that Lurch Looking Motherfucker, carry the case. Picard allows the Lurch Looking Motherfucker to pick up the suitcase and he does so with ease. COMIC RELIEF II: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD!!!!

They then get in a turbolift where Troi's Mom continues to drone on and on about random bullshit, primarily about how much better Betazoids are than Human. Eventually Troi gets pissed off and uses X-Man powers to yells, "ENOUGH!" at her mom who finally shuts up.

They arrive in Troi' Mom's quarters and she deems them to be "adequate." She then dismisses Picard who kind of bows sarcastically as he takes his leave. Troi's Mom then tells Troi that she's sorry about the sudden marriage and says that Guitar Legend Steve Miller tracked her down to remind her of the promise made years earlier. Troi tells her mom that she doesn't really believe in that vow the way she did before but will honor them on account of being Betazoid. Troi's Mom then tells Troi that Wyatt is an alright dude and she senses remarkable depths in him.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Geordi tells Picard that they are getting a message from Haven. They put the call up on the TV and yet another 80s Babe Dressed as an Ancient Greek appears before them. She is the Electrolyte of Haven and tells Picard that they've got a bit of a problem. An unidentified ship has bypassed their "stargate" and is refusing to reply to any calls. They believe the ship to be hostile and since Haven is without defensive capabilities of their own and are under the protection of the Federation, it is up to the Enterprise to defend them.

Elsewhere on the Enterprise, Troi visits Wyatt Miller. She apologizes for her mom being a dick, but Wyatt tells her that he thinks her mom's honesty is refreshing. He then tells Troi a bit about himself, and by a bit I mean he tells her that he's a doctor because even in The Next Generation a dude with a "good job" thinks that's all he needs.

He asks her about reading minds and she said that in they might be able to read each others' minds in the future since she's only felt this way with one other person before...someone here on the Enterprise. Wyatt asks her if he has any competition but Troi tells him that he does not since that person is in love with a spaceship in much the same way that Roger Taylor was in love with his car.

Wyatt and Troi talk about starting a medical practice together and then Troi sees a bunch of drawings that Wyatt did. They are all of some woman. Wyatt tells Troi that he's seen that woman in his dreams since he was a small child and heard her voice speak to him so when he arrived on the Enterprise he was surprised that Troi wasn't her. Troi tells him that she's sorry she's not the lady he was looking for, but Wyatt's like, "No, I guess it was just a childish fantasy. You're hot as fuck and it's an honor to marry you."

Picard drops a Captain's log about how he thinks arranged marriages are fucked and wishes that he could intervene. We then check in on the bridge where Data has gotten the unidentified vessel that's approaching Haven on camera. Data informs Picard that the ship is traveling at subwarp speed and is thus several hours out from the planet.

Geordi increases magnification on the image and Picard is like, "OH FUCK! Is that what I think it is?!"

Data tells him that it is indeed what he thinks it is: a Tarellian starship. Picard summons Dr. Beverly Crusher to the bridge and then, as overly dramatic music plays us into commercial break, declares, "They must not be permitted to destroy us. Or the planet!"

Returning from commercial break Picard, via voiceover, informs us that the Tarellian race was believed to be extinct, but that no longer seems to be the case. The crew has assembled in the conference room to talk about the latest plot development. Riker and Geordi are of the mind that the ship may have been damaged and unable to travel at warp-speed which is why it would have taken so long to get to Haven.

Data then dumps some plot for the viewers at home and explains something that everyone on the crew would have known about. The Tarellians came form yet another Class-M planet and were once again nearly human. Unfortunately for them hatred overpowered intelligence and two groups of Tarellians began to war. One group unleashed a biological weapon but soon both groups were dying of a plague. The remaining Tarellians tried to flee to other planets, but they were hunted down and killed in order to prevent the plague from spreading and prior to the discovery of this Tarellian ship the last Tarellians were believed to have been killed off eight years earlier. The Tarellian ship will reach Haven in 13 hours.

Picard tells everyone that it is their duty to protect Haven from the Tarellians but also should attempt to give aid to the Tarellians if possible. He asks his crew to help him come up with a win-win solution and then abruptly changing topics is like, "Oh yeah and Troi is having her wedding reception tonight, so come if you want to." Riker is emo as fuck and leaves to go work.

Later at the wedding reception everyone is being dicks to one another except for that Lurch Looking Motherfucker who is just pounding drinks. Data is fascinated by him and asks him, "Considering the rate at which you imbibe, sir, is your lineage at all mixed with human?" confirming that everyone on the Enterprise is drunk as fuck all the time.

Wyatt's mom asks Picard to officiate the wedding and Picard agrees to do so, but Troi's Mom is like, "Aw fuck no! We aren't having a barbaric human wedding! We need to have a sophisticated Betazoid wedding where everyone is totally nude! Since Captain Picard doesn't know about Betazoid wedding rituals we'll have to have that Lurch Looking Motherfucker do it!"

Mrs. Miller is like, "But that Lurch Looking Motherfucker can't even talk!"

Picard says that it's Starfleet tradition to not be a dick during parties and declares "all disagreements resolved." Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and the dickish behavior continues during dinner. While that Lurch Looking Motherfucker repeatedly bangs a gong, Troi's mom and Mrs. Miller snipe at each other.

Riker, being emo as fuck, is like, "Yo I'm outta here to go figure out what to do about a non-fuck plague plague ship."

The dickishness continues until Troi cannot bear it any longer and shouts, "Stop this petty bickering, all of you! Especially you, mother!" She then storms off, knocking over the gong as she goes. When she is gone Data asks the stunned wedding party, "Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing." COMIC RELIEF III: DREAM WARRIORS!!!!

On the Holodeck, Riker in full blown emo introspective mode is slouched on a rock in a desert watching the sunset, brooding over feelings and shit. Troi shows up and asks if she can join him. Riker tells her that he is going to miss her and calls her "imatzi" or whatever. Troi opines that young humans often have a hard time separating platonic and physical love and Riker tells her that he still can't because he's a horndog.

Wyatt Miller then wanders in and is like, "Wow this holodeck is cool as fuck! Oh am I interrupting anything?"

Riker's like, "I gotta go!" and hauls ass out of the holodeck.

Wyatt, not understanding that Riker and his fiance used to fuck is like, "The fuck was that about?"

Troi tells him, "Actually, Bill was concerned that you might be upset that I care deeply for him, too." I don't know who Bill is. Maybe Troi's just using a fake name for Riker in case Wyatt gets jealous and goes looking for him or something. Since the computer can tell anyone where anyone else is on the ship maybe telling Wyatt that Riker's name was Bill would confuse the computer and allow Riker to avoid a beating where a dude with a haircut like the dude in the video for "Take on Me" by A-Ha tells him, "STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!" I don't really know.

Anyway, Wyatt tells Troi that after she left everyone stopped being dicks to each other and decided to compromise about the wedding. Some people will be naked, other will not. Troi's like, "How did you manage that?"

Wyatt tells her, "Your mother relented. And I just caught my father practicing naked in front of his mirror." He then asks her if she really wants to marry him. She says that she does and then kiss. I don't need this chaste romance shit. GIMME SOME FUCKING!!!

Picard does some voiceover work declaring that all attempts to contact the Tarellian ship have failed and he's getting worried. The Lady Boss of Haven calls Picard again and is like, "That plague ship is getting pretty close Picard. Do you realize that they can turn this lovely world of ours into a graveyard?" She implores him to take action before it's too late.

Picard realizes that he has a duty to protect Haven but also has a responsibility to attempt to help the Tarellian ship. Yar says that she thinks she could take out the plague ship's engines with a phaser blast but Picard's like, "Nah just use a tractor beam to snag them before they crash onto the planet or whatever."

They do that and the Tarellian ship finally hails the Enterprise. A woman in a halter-top appears on the TV and Troi recognizes her as the woman from Wyatt's drawings. Frankly I don't see it but okay, I guess that's the plot hook for the final act of the episode.

Back from commercials the leader of the plague ship introduces himself to Picard as Wrenn. He says that there are only eight Tarellians left and they want to live on a beach or deserted island on Haven. Picard's like, "Yo, you know that those healing powers of Haven stories are just bullshit right?"

Wrenn's like, "Yeah. We just want to die there in peace."

Wyatt then comes onto the bridge and sees that the woman he has been drawing since his childhood is a real woman! They know his name somehow because that woman apparently saw him in dreams as well.

Later, Wyatt goes to talk to Lwaxana. She asks him which headband thing will look best when she gets her tits out for his wedding. He doesn't want to talk about her tits though, he wants to know how it's possible that a woman he's dreamed about is actually real. She seems to imply that there's one person for everyone in the universe or something so Wyatt's like, "Okay cool!"

He later goes down to the sickbay and gets some medical supplies for the Tarellian plague ship and then after Dr. Beverly Crusher leaves he steals a syringe and puts it into his pocket.

Wyatt next goes to see his parents and Troi. His mom is all like, "Look at your father, Wyatt. He just can't wait to strip off his clothes for that barbaric ceremony!"

Wyatt tells them to be excellent to one another and then tells Troi that she looked hot as fuck when they were making out on the Holodeck. He then leaves for the teleportation room and uses the syringe to knock the teleport chief out. Wyatt them beams himself onto the plague ship.

On the bridge, Geordi tells Picard that someone is beaming onto the plague ship. Picard tells him to override it but it's too damn late!

Wyatt arrives on the plague ship and sees a bunch of drawings of himself that were obviously done by the plague lady. Wrenn greets him and says that they always thought he was a dream but once they saw he was real knew that he would beam over. He tells them that he has medicine and supplies.

Back on the Enterprise, Mrs. Miller is chewing Picard out, "How could you let this happen? My son surrounded by those horrible lepers!"

Troi is like, "He can never come back now!"

The plague ship then calls and Mrs. Miller is like, "Baby, please come back!" but Wyatt tells everyone that  he's going to stay with the Tarellians and try to heal them. He says that he knew that he was coming to Haven to met his destiny but thought it was Troi but it really wasn't.

His parents are kind of shocked but ultimate are like, "Live your truth Wyatt.." The Tarellians then tell Picard that they aren't going to fuck with Haven anymore so if he releases them from their tractor beam they'll head off into space. Picard's like, "Sounds good!" and releases the Tarellian ship which blasts off with Wyatt to adventure.

With the plague ship taken care of, Wyatt's parents head back to Earth or whatever. They tell Troi that she can keep the screaming chest of jewels that they gifted her with and then teleport away. Troi's mom comes in next with that Lurch looking motherfucker toting her tote bag. Troi's Mom is all like, "Maybe I should get married again so this entire trip wasn't a waste. I know Picard wants to fuck me six ways to Sunday but he's too old for me. Maybe Riker Without Beard would be a better fuck-partner?"

Troi growls at her and she's just like, "Yo it's just a joke," and then gets on the teleporter. That Lurch looking motherfucker then thanks Picard for the drinks as a punchline to a joke I guess ("HE'S NOT REALLY A MUTE! LOL!") and gets onto the teleporter as well.

Troi's Mom tells her not to forget about her X-Man powers then mocks Picard one more time for thinking impure thoughts about her before teleporting away. Picard scowls and Troi's like, "She was only joking." Picard is not amused.

With all the assholes off the Enterprise, Picard returns to the bridge and tells Geordi to get them the fuck out of there. Geordi does precisely that as Picard tells Troi that he's glad she is still part of the crew.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker kicked off the episode watching porn and then spent the remainder of the show being emo as fuck about his fuck-buddy getting married. He was not hiding his intoxication well in this episode.

Final Thoughts
This was a pretty mediocre episode of Star Trek. I very much dislike how in a lot of these early episodes a shit ton of nothing happens and then in the last 8 minutes of the show they try to force some high stakes drama in. Like the fuck plague episode had the same thing. It was 85% wacky fuck plague antics and then the last seven minutes were, "OH FUCK THE ASTEROID FROM DEEP IMPACT IS GOING TO WRECK HOUSE ON US!" The Fuck Planet IV episode too had the main conflict arise and get resolved in the last 5 or 6 minutes. It's kind of ridiculous. Also ridiculous? The complete and utter lack of fucking in this episode.

Fuck Count
Lots of talk about Guitar Legend Steve Miller wanting to get his dick out and how every man wanted to fuck Troi's Mom but nothing in the way of actual fucking.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 4