Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E14 - Angel One

Here we go! Angel One baby! One of the worst episodes of any Star Trek series ever in the history of stars and treks. What is there to say about it that more serious scholars of Star Trek haven't already said, but good episodes and bad episodes are all equal in the eyes of a Star Trek Fuckologist provided there are trips to the bone zone to be seen. So does this one have it? Let's find out!

Preexisting Prejudices
I am quite of the mind that this episode sucks but also think there's fucking to be found which means it'll have to rank this is better than most of the episodes I've seen out of season 1.

Plot Synopsis
While cruising around in space, the Enterprise discovered the wreckage of a freighter called Odin which disappeared seven years earlier. Apparently it got wrecked by an asteroid and there was no sign of life on board, but scans reveal that three escape pods were missing.

The Enterprise then goes to Angel One, a nearby class M planet to see if there are any survivors from the Odin. Angel One is apparently a female-dominated society ruled by six mistress and a leader known as "the elected one." Apparently the last time Starfleet contacted the planet was 62 years ago.

Since they're all lady types on Angel One, Picard decides it would be best if Troi contacted them to ask about marooned space truckers. Troi talks to the Elected One, Beata or some shit, who is a total dick to Troi causing Geordi to mutter, "Ever feel like you're not really wanted?" Eventually, however, Beata agrees to let a group from the Enterprise beam down to the planet.

After the good, good opening theme song, the away team make their way to the teleportation room. En route they encounter Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher and one of his buddies dressed in real dumb looking clothes (a central theme of this episode) as they head into the holodeck for a ski lesson.

"Save us some deep powder," says Riker, clearly in his cups and fucking with Wesley.

"No problem, sir. The holodecks have all you'll ever need," replies Wesley, oblivious to the fact that Riker is totally fucking with him.

The away team consisting Data, Riker (with some weird tupperware thing), Troi, and Yar beam down to Angel One and go to meet with the Lady President, Beata. They ask her about potential survivors on the planet but she's all weird and asks why they're only coming now after all this time.

Riker tells her that they only discovered the freighter by accident. They then tell her that they only want to find any of them survivors and bring them home. One of the other lady leaders, a woman named Ariel, is super pissed off about all this and so Beata refuses to tell them whether or not there are any survivors. She orders her fuckboy, a guy named Trent (because what else would his name be) to take the crew from the Enterprise to another room so the lady leaders can discuss the matter further.

While they wait, Troi says that there was a lot of nervousness in the room, but different people were nervous about different shit so she doesn't know, but she's pretty sure that there are survivors somewhere on the planet.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard and Worf are in an elevator. Picard tells him that once the away team is back they need to haul ass to the Neutral Zone because Romulan battle cruisers are on the move! They get off the elevator and as they walk past the entrance to the holodeck they get nailed by a snowball thrown by one Wesley "Fuckface" Crusher.

Picard's like, "Yo, what the fuck man?!"

Wesley offers a halfhearted excuse saying that "it just happened," but Picard is not hearing it and scolds him telling Wesley, "On the Enterprise, Mr. Crusher, nothing just happens!" Picard and Worf then both smell a weird smell that Worf says smells like some Klingon flower or something.

Meanwhile on Angel One, Data is fucking around with some perfume and doesn't understand why people would use perfume. Riker explains that it helps humans fuck. Speaking of fucking, Beata's fuckboy, Trent, shows back up and tells the crew that the lady leaders will see them again.

The crew go back to the council chamber where Beata tells them that they will tell them about the survivors even though the decision was not unanimous. She tells the crew that there were four survivors and their leader was a man named Ramsey. At first they were polite and thankful for the hospitality of the natives of Angel One, but after awhile the started to abuse that hospitality and began to cause trouble and now are in hiding.

The crew of the Enterprise tell her that they might be able to use their ship to scan for them and Data asks to go to the library to try to find an element that is non-existent on Angel One. Beata's like, "But you're a man, clearly you're too dumb to use a library," but Data's like, "I might look like a man, but I'm a robot," so she's like, "Oh cool! Maybe you can teach our dumbass men how to be good-ass robots or something."

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that both Wesley Crusher and his buddy have caught some kind of plague. She is working on a vaccine though. Oh joy, yet another "everyone on the ship has some kind of plague," episode. What is this, the third of this season?

Back on the planet, Data tells the away team that they might be able find the survivors from the Odin by searching for platinum since it doesn't exist on Angel One naturally. Data then asks Geordi to scan for platinum. Riker is brought a suit of native garb that he goes to change into for his meeting with Beata.

Troi and Yar are like, "You're going to wear that weird fuckboy costume?" and Riker tells them that he's worn all kinds of weird fuckboy costumes when meeting with alien presidents and goes to change. He comes back out a minute later dressed in the fuckboy garb. Yar tells him that "it looks kind of sexy!" and Riker thanks her and informs her that "it feels quite comfortable."

Dr. Beverly Crusher checks on Picard and tells him that he's too fucking sick to be captain anymore and sends him to bed. Picard tells Geordi that he's in command until Riker returns. Geordi sits in Picard's chair while Worf sneezes and apologies for getting sick. Wasn't it one episode prior to this where no one knew about sneezing and now everyone's just like "Oh sneezing is a totally normal thing we do all the time." Worf tells Geordi that scans of Angel One have determined a sole instance of platinum on the planet.

Back on Angel One, Riker meets with Beata and tells her that the Enterprise has found the location of the men from the Odin. Ariel still doesn't trust Riker though and storms out. Riker then sends Yar, Troi, and Data to go to the location of the platinum and find the survivors of the Odin. The three of them then beam to a cave where they find a MacGuyver looking motherfucker who greets them and says that he's been expecting them.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Geordi that there are 82 more cases of the plague and that she's converted a holodeck into a triage station. Worf sneezes again and then leaves to go to the sickbay.

Back at the cave on Angel One, Yar tells Ramsey that they found him by scanning Angel One for platinum. Ramsey's like, "Ah my wings..." Yar then tells him that they're going to bring him home, but Ramsey's like, "You can't rescue a man from what he calls his home." He says that some of them have taken wives and now have kids and don't want to run away, they just want to live their lives.

Meanwhile in Beata's fucklair, she tells Riker that Ramsey and his guys are a bunch of anarchists and outlaws who were upsetting the order of things on Angel One, but enough about that, she's got the hots for Riker and the two of them start to kiss. Beata's fuckboy, Trent, them comes in with the gift that Riker brought early. It's some kind of crystal that glows. Beata and Riker then fuck! AW YE YE!!! +1 for Riker on the fuck count!

Over at the cave, Ramsey tells the away team that when he and his dudes first arrived on Angel One they thought they'd gone to heaven since there were smoking hot babes everywhere, but soon they saw how bad it was for the men. They couldn't vote and no one respected them. When Ramsey and his dudes were like, "Yo what the fuck? Why do men only make 75 cents to a woman's dollar?" and when they spoke out against this discrimination they were deemed to be heretics and were forced to become fugitives.

Data says that since Ramsey and his guys are just space truckers and not Starfleet employees, the Prime Directive prevents them for forcing them to go with them.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Geordi that there are more infected people than beds. Geordi tells here that if they have to engage with the Romulans they're going to be seriously undermanned.

Yar calls up Geordi and asks him to beam the three of them back to their previous location so they can pick up Riker and return to the ship. Geordi tells them that a third of the Enterprise has been laid low by whatever non-fuck plague Wesley Crusher has infected them all with and that Romulan ships are converging in the Neutral Zone.

Back on Angel One, the away team ask Ramsey how he knew they were coming but he won't tell them. After the away team gets beamed away though, he says, "You can come out love," and Ariel from the Angel One senate or whatever, comes out of a cave and the two kiss.

Back in Beata's fuck-lair, Riker is with Beata, post-coitus when Beata's fuckboy, Trent, comes in and tells them that Riker's people have returned without Ramsey and his crew. Yar comes in and tells Riker that Ramsey refused to come with them. Beata is then like, "Whelp...I guess we gotta execute all those fuckers then."

Back on the Enterprise Dr. Beverly Crusher visits a shirtless Picard in his chambers. She's got some drugs for him to heal him up but warns him, "It looks horrible, tastes worse, but it's absolutely guaranteed to make you feel better."

Picard knocks it back and then Dr. Beverly Crusher asks him why he's wearing cologne. He is not but mentions that he and Worf smelled the same thing down by the holodeck when they got hit with snowballs by Wesley Crusher. Dr. Beverly Crusher then realizes that the disease spreads via odor and heads out to go devise a remedy.

Down on the planet, Data tells Riker that there are seven Romulan battle cruisers are in the Neutral Zone and the USS Berlin is in the area but the Enterprise being there would be a great show of strength. The away team is like, "We shouldn't worry to much about Ramsey and his people since they'll have to find them before they can execute them."

Beata then comes in and brings Ramsey and his crew into the room and everyone is like, "OH FUCK HOW DID YOU FIND THEM?!" She tells Riker that they didn't need the might of the Enterprise to find the rebels, they only needed to follow one of their own, the traitorous Ariel, to find where Ramsey was hiding out. She then tells Riker that all Ramsey's dudes are going to get executed the next day.

Riker is all righteous and asks to speak to Ramsey one more time and attempt to convince him to leave. She agrees and Riker and the other members of the away team visit Ramsey and his crew in jail. Riker's like, "Listen bro you're going to get executed if you stick around here," but Ramsey's like "Whatever dude."

Riker then is like, "Fuck this shit, I'm just going to beam them all up," and calls the Enterprise to beam them all up even though it's totally against the rules of Starfleet and he'll probably get fired. Dr. Beverly Crusher answers because Geordi is now infected as well. She refuses to beam them up because the plague is still running wild and if anyone gets beamed up they'll probably die.

Back on Angel One, Riker tells Data to beam back to the Enterprise and head to the Neutral Zone before it's too late and wreck shop on the Romulans there.

The next day, Beata's fuckboy, Trent, invites the away team to come witness the execution. The away team tells Trent to fuck off but then Data contacts them. He hasn't left Angel One yet since Riker told him to get to the Neutral Zone on time, and by his calculations he has 47 minutes for Dr. Beverly Crusher to concoct an antidote to the plague before he leaves for the Neutral Zone. Riker is happy that Data followed his orders so exactly and then tells Trent that they'll be attending the execution after all.

Out in the execution hall, Beata speechifies about how Ramsey and his followers have preached heretical teachings "inconsistent with harmonious life on Angel One," and continues to say that their "patient efforts to silence revolutionary voices have failed," thus leaving them with only "the most final alternative." She then has her fuckboy, Trent, use some weird machine to disintegrate a vase. Beata then says that the people of Angel One are not without compassion and the deaths of Ramsey and his dudes will be "swift and painless."

Riker makes a speech about how Beata's not trying to stop a revolution, she's attempting to stop evolution and that by executing Ramsey and his people she'll only make them into martyrs since you can't kill an idea or some shit. Beata doesn't seem to give a fuck though and has Ramsey put into the disintegration contraption. She has Trent the Fuckboy prepare to use the contraption, but at the last second, Beata relents and says that they are going to adjourn to reconsider the fate of Ramsey & Co.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher informs Data that she's devised a remedy for the plague. Data calls Riker and tells him that they've got a vaccine now. Riker tells Data to get a lock on the away team and Ramsey's party and wait for further instructions.

Beata returns and says that she's decided to stay the executions and instead exile Ramsey and his people to a remote area where they can't inspire others to long for change. "As some have observed we may not be able to stop evolution," she says, "but perhaps we can reduce it to a slow crawl." Before Riker has Data beam him and the rest of the away team back up Beata tells Riker that he's pretty clever for a dude.

With the problem of sexism not solved in the slightest, the away team returns to the Enterprise where they are give vaccines against the most recent plague to have ravaged the crew by Dr. Beverly Crusher.

Picard has returned to work as well and talks to the crew about what went down on Angel One and then orders Data to set course for the Neutral Zone so they can go fight the Romulans or whatever. Data sets the coordinates and awaits Picard's order.

Picard, who is still hoarse as fuck, croaks out something inaudible. Data questions him and then an annoyed looking Picard gives Riker a look and the recently fucked Riker tells Data to, "Engage." The Enterprise then blasts off to the end credits.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker fucked a president as part of establishing diplomatic relations, declared that he didn't give a shit about the rules he was supposed to follow, and walked around with his chest hair prominently on display. The dude was completely and utterly out of control.

Final Thoughts
A the foremost scholar of Star Trek Fuckology, this episode is a critical early example of Star Trek horniness that must be closely examined by all those wishing to discuss this field of study but as an actual episode of a TV show it sucked a lot of ass.

The menfolk on Angel One could be viewed as stand-ins for whatever discriminated group in real life you'd like be it by gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation and while the bulk of the episode seemed to promote the "discrimination is bad" ideology, the conclusion to the episode saw the Lady President of Angel One declaring, "We might not be able to stop progress, but we're going to separate these people from the rest of us and do everything we can to slow progress to a crawl." This was apparently perfectly fine with Riker and all those being discriminated against which is a real shit way to solve the problem of racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/etc. But, these are all matters that should be explored by the Star Trek Racism Report. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report and I am happy to report that Riker got it on.

Fuck Count
Finally! After way too many boring-ass chaste episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, we finally get some fucking! My man Riker is back on the board after fucking an alien president to tie things up with Tasha Yar at two fucks apiece.

Riker: +1
Beata: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 2
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6