Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E17 - When the Bough Breaks

Here we go again kids! It's time for yet another season one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Today we're looking at When the Bough Breaks, an episode that first aired way back on February 15, 1988. The little plot blurb I'm looking at here tells me that Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher has to protect a group of kidnapped children while Picard works to free them. This does not instill a great deal of confidence that this episode is going to be any good.

Preexisting Prejudices
This seems to be a Wesley Crusher heavy episode which means I'll probably hate it a lot more than I did when I saw it as a small child. Based on the one sentence plot synopsis I saw ahead of watching this episode I'm pretty sure there's going to be zero fucking.

Plot Synopsis
While attempting to evade capture by his calculus loving father, some random-ass small child runs smack into Riker who is making his way to the bridge after being summoned by Picard. The child and his father are apologetic but Riker is not particularly bothered by the kid that ran into him. As the boy's father leads him away the child bemoans the fact that he has to learn calculus when he just wants to do art or some shit.

On the bridge, Picard tells Riker that he wanted him on the bridge because they've been tracking something that Riker might be interested in...namely the planet Aldea. No one except Riker knows what the fuck Aldea is, so he dumps some plot on us. To make a long story short, it's basically Atlantis but a planet. The citizens were a technologically advance people who then vanished. Unlike Atlantis though, the planet of Aldea apparently used some kind of technology to cloak their planet from hostile marauders.

The Enterprise has been tracking some energy readings to an area that is seemingly just a empty chunk of space. Troi, however, senses a bunch of minds somewhere nearby and a planet suddenly appears in front of them. Oh snap! It's totally that random-ass planet Riker is all about!

After taking in that good, good Star Trek opening theme song we return to the bridge of the Enterprise where a woman appears on their big-ass TV phone and introduces herself as Rachelle. She welcomes them to Atlantis But a Planet and says that they wish to talk to them. Picard's all like, "Cool mang we'll set up a meeting then!" but before Picard can get the words out of his mouth she shows up on the bridge with some dude.

Everyone is taken aback by their sudden appearance and Dr. Beverly Crusher's like, "OH FUCK THEY DIDN'T GET DECONTAMINATED BY GETTING BEAMED UP NORMALLY!!!"

Rachelle gives Picard some flowers as a gift while the dude introduces himself as Rad-Doo and tells her that because of the planetary shield the Enterprise's teleporters wouldn't work properly. They invite the crew of the Enterprise to visit their planet to discuss something of great importance. The crew of the Enterprise agree and as the people of Atlantis But a Planet are bothered by bright lights they then beam back to their planet. A moment later Commander Riker, Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher are beamed off the bridge. Picard notes that this is an interesting trio to select. He's talking about threeways~!

On Atlantis But a Planet, the locals welcome the trio of Enterprisers. Rad-Doo quickly explains why they've revealed themselves to the Enterprise: they want to trade some technology for some of the children that the Enterprise has. Riker and Dr. Beverly Crusher freak the fuck out about this while Troi calmly explains that humans are very attached to their children before telling them that maybe some other races would be willing to take them up on their offer.

Rad-Doo explains that the people of Atlantis But a Planet are sterile and are dying out. They need children to repopulate their planet and carry on their way of life. Riker's like, "Sorry to hear that brah but no dice."

Rad-Doo then is like, "I guess we don't have anything to talk about then," and promptly beams the trio back to the Enterprise.

Back on the Enterprise, some weird beam suddenly scans everyone, seeming to zero in on Wesley Crusher and other random-ass kids in other parts of the ship. Data reaches out to help Wesley as he's getting zapped by the weird beam but Picard shouts, "DON'T TOUCH HIM!" apparently pleased to see Wesley Crusher in discomfort...or because pulling him out of the beam might injure him more. It's not entirely clear.

Suddenly, much to the dismay of Dr. Beverly Crusher, Wesley gets beamed away by Atlantis But a Planet's teleporter. The same shit happens to some other random-ass kids on the Enterprise including that kid that hated calculus and ran into Riker in an effort to escape it.

After a quick commercial break, a furious Captain Picard phones up Rad-Doo and is like, "YO MAN WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU STOLE OUR CHILDREN!"

Rad-Doo replies that the people of Atlantis But a Planet will take real good care of the children and wish to compensate the Enterprise for the kids they took but this just pissed off Picard even more and he spits some hot fire at Rad-Doo screaming like a madman, "YOU'VE STOLEN OUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEIR CLASSROOMS! AWAY FROM THEIR BEDROOMS! AND YOU TALK ABOUT COMPENSATION?! YOU CLAIM TO BE A CIVILIZED RACE AND YET FOR SOME REASON YOU HAVE JUST COMMITTED AN ACT OF UTTER BARBARITY!!!"

Rad-Doo pulls that scumbag dude thing where he does something to piss someone off who then yells at him and then he's like, "We'll talk about this once you've calmed down." No motherfucker my mang Picard's fuming because of you. You don't get to hang up on him like a douchelord!

Picard and Troi then have a meeting with the parents of the children that got kidnapped in the conference room to explain what has happened. He vows to do everything he can to get their children back and tells them that he will have Dr. Beverly Crusher with him to represent them the next time that douchelord Rad-Doo calls up.

Meanwhile down on Atlantis But a Planet, Wesley and the other children arrive and meet the units who they will be living with. Units are basically families that are based around a tradeskill or talent rather than blood relations. For example if you are an eight year old girl that's good at music you get to live in the Music Unit with the creepy old dude who is also good at music.

The kids are all paired off with the appropriate units. The kid who crashed into Riker in the cold open is apparently named Harry. He gets sent to live with some artists who give him a laser to do woodcarving with. Some small girlchild is supposed to go live with some random unit but Rochelle is like, "FUCK THAT! THIS GIRLCHILD IS CUTE AS FUCK! I'M KEEPING HER FOR MYSELF!" This is probably foreshadowing for some shit.

Wesley, meanwhile, is like, "Where's the Good At Everything Boy Genius Unit for me to go live in?"

Rad-Doo is like, "We don't got that but we do have the leadership unit which is where you are going because you're a leader of men (aka children) Wesley!" He then tasks Wesley with helping the others adjust to their new circumstances because they don't have any choice.

Back on the Enterprise, Riker tells Picard that Data has discovered some random fluctuations in the shield that surrounds Atlantis But a Planet. He is of the mind that they could possibly teleport onto the planet via those fluctuation and then voices shock that the people of Atlantis But a Planet haven't managed to perfect their shielding technology in the ages that have passed since creating it.

Riker explains that they'd have to time it just right to be able to teleport through the hole in the shield and there's no guarantee it would work. Data says that it would be safer to attempt to crack the code the residents of use to teleport, but says that there are a near infinite number of possibilities and needs time to work through them.

As Data crunches infinite numbers, Riker and Geordi are ordered by Picard to figure out a way to teleport through the hole in the shield so that an away team can beam down and disable the shields after locating the power source. Picard knows that he has to continue to string the residents of Atlantis But a Planet along because if they find out that the Enterprise isn't going to give up their children Atlantis But a Planet will turn on their cloaking device again and the Enterprise will have lost any chance of possibly getting those kids back...except the two that they were just talking about for the last five minutes but cue up the dramatic pre-commercial music anyway music director!

Back from products and services we check in with Wesley Crusher on Atlantis But a Planet. His leadership unit I guess consists of some grandma named Doo-Anna. She brings him to see the Custodian which is some sort of supercomputer that runs Atlantis But a Planet.

She helps him register with the Custodian and then Wesley asks her a shit ton of questions about the Custodian. He wants to know where it came from and who fixes it when it breaks but she tells him to ask Custodian. Wesley asks the Custodian what the other kids from the Enterprise are up to and the computer shows him. He then asks Doo-Anna what is behind some random door but she doesn't know.

Meanwhile Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher teleport back down to the planet to negotiate their payment for the kids. They want the kids back but Rad-Doo and his people are like, "Nah you can just make some more."

Picard tells Rad-Doo that human parents are fuckin' berserkers when it comes to protecting their kids and would be willing to die to protect their children. Dr. Beverly Crusher asks them what if the same thing happens to the children and they become infertile too. They tell her that their condition is a genetic one, not a contagious one.

Picard tells them that he sympathizes with them and is certain that they will come up with a solution that is satisfactory to both sides, but Rad-Doo is like, "What do you mean? We are giving you all kinds of advanced technology for a couple of dumb-ass kids. What more could you possible want?" Picard convinces him to allow Dr. Beverly Crusher see her son.

Dr. Beverly Crusher visits Wesley who helps his mom do a horribly obvious covert medical scan on his new fake mom, Doo-Anna. She then returns to Picard and tells him that her son and the others are okay. Rad-Doo tells them that they now have their final offer and sends them back to their ship to think it over.

Back on the Enterprise, Rad-Doo calls them right away and tells them that he's going to give them a display of their might so they know that there's no further use in attempting to bargain with them. He then blasts the ship with some kind of blast sending it careening hilariously though space. Ten seconds later they are apparently three days from Atlantis But a Planet if they were to travel at Warp 9. Rad-Doo then tells them that that was just a small taste of their power and that if they try any funny shit he can easily push the Enterprise so far away that by the time they got back their children would be grandparents.

Back from commercials we find the Enterprise steaming back towards Atlantis But a Planet. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that she's studied the scan they took of Doo-Anna and has determined that she is dying. She and everyone else on the planet seem to be suffering from some sort of chromosomal damage but doesn't know if it's a genetic condition or caused by something in the environment.

Down on Atlantis But a Planet, the kids of the Enterprise are beginning to get antsy about being away from their parents except for the kid who ran into Riker in the cold open. He's having the time of his life carving dolphins out of wood with some kind of laser thing. His new parents though don't know what a dolphin is and have never seen fish before. Even he starts to miss his marine biologist dad a little bit.

At dinner with Rad-Doo and Doo-Anna, Wesley's like, "I'm not fucking eating and none of us are going to do what you tell us to do. We're going to huff gas and listen to heavy metal and only have anal sex so we'll never get pregnant." He then concluded by declaring, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"

That night, Wesley uses Custodian to find the other children. He teleports them all to some house and tells them that they're going to do some passive resistance shit and refuse to eat or answer and of their kidnappers' questions. He reasons that they'll get so fed up with these terrible human children that they'll have no choice but to send them back to the Enterprise.

The other kids worry that the residents of Atlantis But a Planet will whup them for being sassy but Wesley is certain that no harm will befall them since they are needed by the people of Atlantis But a Planet.

Some kids argue that their kidnappers aren't so terrible and Wesley admits that that's true but they all want to go home to their real parents so they all have to stick together or their hunger strike won't work. Rachelle then walks in and sees them all sitting at her kitchen table.

Three days later, the Enterprise has returned to Atlantis But a Planet. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that the people of Atlantis But a Planet "are suffering from a form of radiation poisoning." Picard asks her "Is that what made them sterile?" She says that it might be since it also explains why they have no appetite and are sensitive to light.

Picard asks Data how long it will take to finish crunching the numbers and decoding the teleportation beam that Atlantis But a Planet uses. Data tells him he's still going to need about a week but Geordi's like, "Yo Cap'n we can totally teleport through the holes in the shield if we time that shit just right."

Rad-Doo calls back and is going to beam Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher back down to the planet to continue their negotiations. Riker and Data go down to the teleportation team and after Rad-Doo beams Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher Worf yells down to Riker and Data, "NOW!" and they teleport down to some random hallway.

Riker and Data then set out to locate the computer. The successfully find it and Riker asks Data if he can shut it down. He says that he can't, but he can disable it. So he does that.

Rad-Doo meets with Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher. Rad-Doo tells Picard that before he's willing to negotiate the terms of payment for the children he wants Picard to go tell the children to end their strike. Picard beams over to the room the kids are in and talks to them about what's going on. Wesley tells him that he's seen their computer and knows how to use it a little bit but it's very different from anything he's seen before.

Picard gives him an "'atta boy" and then returns to Rad-Doo with all the children. Rad-Doo is like, "Yo man what the F?" and Picard tells him that they're going to take the kids back because they don't want to stay there.

Dr. Beverly Crusher then tells Rad-Doo what has happened to their planet was the same thing that happened to Earth in the 21st Century and that their cloaking device fucked up their ozone layer leading to their sterility. She tells them that eventually the radiation will effect the children in the same way.

Rad-Doo doesn't want to believe her but Rachelle has seen the light and says, "Instead of the children being our hope, what if we're just condemning them to our fate?"

Rad-Doo tells her, "Rashella, they're just protecting their own interests."

Rachelle interjects, "As are we. But hear them out. The Captain and Doctor Crusher are saying that the very thing which has given us this wonderful world is what has caused this tragedy."

Picard adds, "That's it. Exactly. Your Custodian has controlled you so completely you've lost even the desire to even question it."

Rad-Doo is like, "Fuck this shit," and tries to beam Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher away, only to learn that Data and Riker have disabled the Custodian. Picard then tells the Enterprise to beam the kids up but Harry is like, "Hold up Captain Picard!" Picard relents to a small child and tells the Enterprise to hold up while Harry thanks his kidnapper for teaching him about art and shit. The dude asks Harry if he wants his dolphin statue back but Harry tells him to keep it.

The kids are then beamed away and Rad-Doo is like, "You've fucked us!" but Picard's like, "No way bro! We're going to save your asses!"

Rad-Doo and his peoples accompany the crew of the Enterprise into the mysterious room and discover a big-ass thing that Data says is the power source. This big-ass thing is actually a small-ass thing made out of model car parts. I learned all about it on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was 8 years old or something.

Anyway, Rad-Doo says that they are going to have to learn how to use the power source safely and look after themselves without using the Custodian. Picard offers to assist them and Rad-Doo gladly accepts. The crew of the Enterprise then restores the ozone layer of Atlantis But a Planet but they can never use their cloak or shield again if they want to maintain it.

Back on the Enterprise, Harry tells his dad that he wants to be an artist and doesn't want to take calculus anymore. His dad tells him that he can be whatever he wants, "but you still have to take calculus." Harry is pleased by this deal and tells him, "Okay. Thanks, Dad!"

On the bridge, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that the population of Atlantis But a Planet is responding well to their treatment for radiation poisoning and will regain the ability to fuck in time provided they never turn their cloaking device or shield thing back on. Picard waxes philosophic and says, "The legend will die but the people will live."

Wesley shows up on the bridge with that small girlchild that got kidnapped. Picard's like, "Yo WTF?" and Wesley tells Picard that Alexandra wanted to thank him. She gives him some flowers and Picard gives her an awkward hug and her weird stuffed toy gets stuck to his back to close out the show.

How Rikered Was Riker?
I don't know if Riker was drunk at all in this one. Had Riker been completely hammered when Rad-Doo offered to buy those kids I think Riker would have been cool with it, but instead he freaked the fuck out like any sober individual would have.

Final Thoughts
I actually didn't hate this episode all that much. The thing I worried most about (that this would be yet another Wesley Crusher Boy Genius saving the day episode) proved to be unwarranted as Wesley Crusher was about as much of a hero as a dopey teenager in that situation would have been. He didn't really do all that much save for comfort the younger kids and plan a hunger strike. The true hero of the show were a furious Captain Picard which might be the best version of Captain Picard that there is. Also seeing him have to uncomfortably deal with small children is a delight.

The downside, of course, was the fact that this is the Star Trek Fuck Report and there was absolutely no boning in this episode. In fact the central conceit of the episode was that the people of Atlantis But a Planet couldn't successfully fuck.

Fuck Count
As mentioned in the Final Thoughts, this episode was about a race of aliens who couldn't successfully fuck and thus there was no fucking or horniness in this episode to speak of. Riker should have offered to fuck everyone on Atlantis But a Planet to help them repopulate the world when they asked to buy the Enterprise's children. The fact that this thought never crossed his mind is yet another reason I think our man Riker was sober this time around.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6