Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E01 - The Child
Preexisting Prejudices
I don't really remember this episode but I do know we get the first appearance of MOTHERFUCKIN' RIKER WITH BEARD! AWWWWWWWW YE YE!!!
Plot Synopsis
The episode begins with the show totally blowing their entire special effects budget in the cold open of the first episode. We get the Enterprise and another random-ass spaceship (apparently called the USS Repulse), some random shuttlecraft leaving a docking bay, all kinds of shit. As we learned in the Reading Rainbow episode I reviewed the other day, budgetary constraints in the later part of season one led to them building shuttles out of Gillette razors and other household items so look for all phasers to be replaced by TV remotes by episode 10.
We then check in on the bridge. AW YE YE!!!! RIKER WITH BEARD!!!! Our man Riker's leveled up since we last saw him and now sports the classic Riker With Beard beard. Other changes to our bridge crew include the yellow uniform of a security officer for Worf (I know he had this way longer than the red uniform, but it still looks wrong to me though that might have been because I have a Worf action figure that was released circa season one and he's in red), and a new uniform for Wesley Crusher who is back on the bridge after a pretty lengthy absence at the end of season one.
Riker With Beard tells the Repulse that they're heading out and the captain of the repulse wishes them luck on their mission and tells Riker With Beard to give his regards to the captain. Riker With Beard then tells Wesley to make preparations to head off to adventure.
Meanwhile in Picard's office, Geordi (also sporting a new yellow uniform that looks wrong because I also have a Geordi in red action figure sitting on my bookshelf next to the Worf action figure) is talking to Picard about some kind of enclosure that sounds like it's for holding animals or something. I guess they're building a zoo or some shit.
Riker With Beard comes in and dominates a chair and explains to Picard that "the transfer's been complete," before adding that Doctor Grandma is being shown to her quarters. Shit...why did I think Doctor Grandma showed up later than this? Picard tells him to take a look at the animal pen that Chief Engineer Geordi developed.
Riker With Beard is all smiley as he tells Geordi, "Chief Engineer. It still has a nice ring to it."
Geordi explains how the animal pen will work and then says that he has to go replicated 512 of them which means he's going to have to divert power from the warp engines for a couple of hours. Explaining that it "can't be helped."
Riker With Beard tells him that when they leave Odette 9 he's going to "need all the power you can slam into those warp engines." Christ alive is season two already 90,023 times hornier than season one or what? Riker With Beard then reverse dominates a chair to leave and Picard tells him that he will relieve Riker at Made Up Space Time O'Clock.
Back out on the bridge, Riker With Beard tells Wesley to plot a course for Odette 9. As the Enterprise heads off to some random star system a random light flying about in space enters the ship. I feel like they've already done this episode and it resulted in Captain Picard randomly getting beamed out into space and then reconstituted into a cached version of his genetic make up in a super stupid bit of Picard's body ex machina. Anyway Data detects the weird light entering the ship and phones Geordi who doesn't detect it.
The light wanders about the halls of the Enterprise, going into the chambers of some random sleeping guy. He's got a hella hairy chest. Nothing happens here. I guess this scene was included for all the dudes that are into old bears and/or 80s women who apparently loved hirsute dudes (what else could possibly explain Tom Selleck's fame). The light continues, entering another bed chamber. It creeps up the sheets and a moment later we see Troi writhing about as she climaxes from the weird light entering her.
Three minutes into the second season and we've already got our first fuck of the season, though it brings me zero joy since it is quite clearly nonconsensual. Way to take to make this fun, goofy (albeit highly scientific) study into something gross writer of "The Child." Thanks a lot!
After that good, good opening theme song Picard drops a Captain's Log explaining that yet another plague has broken out that the Enterprise is about to become embroiled with. They have to go get plague samples and transport them to "Science Station Tango Sierra where hopefully an antidote can be produced." I guess that's why Geordi was building animal pens: to hold plague samples.
On the bridge, Riker With Beard informs Picard that they'll be ready to slam that big hard energy cock into the warp drive within the hour. Picard tells Data to go over the list of plague samples they'll be carrying once they get it and instructs him to do so with "Doctor...uh..."
"Doctor Grandma," Data helpfully adds.
"Yes, you and Doctor Grandma...go through them."
Picard then wonders if the Doctor Grandma has reported in yet. Riker With Beard tells him that she has not so Picard calls the sickbay but the dude who answers the phone is like, "Doctor Grandma is in Ten Forward."
Picard is either disgusted by or extremely impressed by the fact that in less than a couple hours aboard the Enterprise Doctor Grandma was able to find Ten Forward, the bar that it took the rest of the crew over a season to find since they never went there in season one.
Riker With Beard offers to go get her probably because he could use a liquid lunch, but Picard tells him he will go himself because he doesn't want to lose two officers to the demon rum in a single afternoon. Worf is not impressed by Doctor Grandma's Fleetside manner and dismissively states, "Not the best way to meet your new captain."
Picard gets in an elevator as Wesley Crusher is getting out of it, but Wesley quickly gets back in with Picard. They have a legitimately awkward conversation that I guess is supposed to explain why Wesley is still on the ship but his mother isn't. Picard tells him that he's sorry that their current mission will delay Wesley's reunion with his mom but Wesley says it's okay since it will give him "time to finish some projects."
As they get off the elevator Wesley says that it's going to be hard to leave the Enterprise but Picard is like, "Mixed feelings for all of us," which seems like kind of a burn on Wesley, "Look we're bummed that Dr. Beverly Crusher is no longer here, but amped as fuck that your dumb ass is on the way out."
Picard tells him that going from one assignment to another just like when Dr. Beverly Crusher "left to become head of Starfleet Medical," is part of being a Starfleet officer. Wesley says that he understands but then stresses that the Enterprise isn't just any old ship on account of being the only ship in Starfleet that has a weekly television show.
"Do we ever get to see what the people on the USS Repulse do when it doesn't directly involve us?" asks Wesley.
"No, I suppose not," replies Picard before entering the heretofore unentered Ten Forward.
He greets Whoopi Goldberg and asks her where Doctor Grandma is. Whoopi points to a corner of the bar and Picard thanks her and then heads over there. Doctor Grandma is sitting with a glum looking Troi. Picard starts to chew Doctor Grandma out for not following proper protocol but she cuts him off and is like "You'd better listen to this."
Later in the conference room Picard and his crew are all assembled. Picard is like, "Yo dudes, this is Doctor Grandma, but before we do formal introductions she's got some REAL wild shit to tell all y'all. Troi's gone and gotten herself knocked up!"
Riker With Beard is like, "PREGNANT?! THE FUCK?!"
Doctor Grandma then tells everyone (except Geordi who is either still building animal pens or reverting power back to the warp drive and thus not in the room) that Troi's pregnancy is hella weird. She shows two different sets of fetus footage taken several hours apart and explains to those of us that aren't doctors or grandmas that though the footage was taken a couple hours apart the development of the fetus is weeks apart in that short time. This is even more shocking due to the fact that they believe conception took place during the cold open a couple minutes (or hours) earlier. She then explains that at this rate, Troi will give birth in about 36 hours.
Riker With Beard is not taking this well and demands to know who the father is. Troi explains that the night before she got raped by a weird space light. Riker then wants to know what the baby is, wondering what happens when a weird space light impregnates a half Betazoid-half human woman. Doctor Grandma tells him that the fetus is a male and genetically it is identical to Troi.
Troi starts getting woozy as the others converse about what should be done. Worf takes the rare pro-abortion stance stating that whatever is growing inside Troi could pose a threat to the ship and the crew. Data meanwhile wants to study the fetus, but Worf, still on that pro-abortion tip is like, "You can study the body after we kill it!"
Eventually Troi is like, "Captain, do whatever you feel is necessary to protect the ship and the crew, but know this. I'm going to have this baby." Picard is apparently cool with this and says that the matter is settled as we head to commercial break. PRODUCTS!!!
We return from break and Picard drops a supplemental Captain's Log explaining that they've arrived at Odette 9 to pick up some plague samples to transport them to Rachelis. He goes on to state that normally it wouldn't engage in such risky plague transportation business, but is doing so because so many other lives are at stake. Also Troi is hella pregnant.
As if on cue a hella pregnant Troi comes onto the bridge wearing voluminous pregnancy robes. Picard ask her how she is and she says that surprisingly she feels, "better than fine," even though she is hella pregnant.
Picard has Worf open up hailing frequencies and Picard phones down to Odette 9. A guy with a dick-fuckin' awesome mustache answers the phone. He is glad that Picard's finally called and is like, "Let's get going," but Picard's suddenly all about proper etiquette and protocol and wants to know who the mustache guy is. He introduces himself as Lieutenant Commander Hester Dealt of the Federation Medical Board of Trustees or some shit. I don't know.
Picard asks him if the plague samples are ready and Dealt says that they are but doesn't want to beam them onto the Enterprise until after he's inspected the animal pens that Geordi made since this shit is wild and he doesn't want to make any mistakes. Picard agrees and asks for a detailed packing list as well. Dealt is cool with this and gives Picard access to their computers. Picard then tells Riker With Beard to beam Dealt aboard and has Data check the packing list.
We get a Captain's Log dropped to inform us that Dealt has come aboard the ship and for the past 14 hours has been inspecting the animal pens but still is not satisfied that everything is suitable to contain deadly plagues. While this is going on the Enterprise has continued getting calls from the plague ravaged Rachelis System begging for help.
On the bridge, Data informs Picard that they've finally gotten the manifest. Jesus Christ, it took them 14 hours to email a PDF file? In universe this is also a long ass time since Picard's response is, "FINALLY!!!" He tells Data to go over it with Doctor Grandma so both of them are completely familiar with it.
.
Out in the hallway Data runs into Troi whose water has just broken. She asks him to help her get to the sickbay. The robot takes her there and Troi tells Doctor Grandma that "It's time." Doctor Grandma leads Troi to the maternity ward while Data phones Worf and tells him to bring his security team to sickbay. Doctor Grandma thinks it's stupid to have armed guards in a delivery room but Data insists since it was the Captain's orders.
Doctor Grandma tells Troi that the baby's father is usually present for deliveries but that's not possible on account of the father being a weird space light sex criminal. Data volunteers to provide support for Troi. Doctor Grandma is like, "You're just a robot, clearly she wants a soft human touch, not the unfeeling cold hand of robots!" Troi, however, is more than willing to have Data help her.
This brief exchange taught me two (2) things that about Star Trek that I either forgot or didn't realize as a small child:
1. Doctor Grandma is a space racist against robots. Whether this is something that continues long-term for the character or just a weird thing that she does in this episode that is later completely ignored (like Geordi being in "constant pain" because of V.I.S.O.R.) remains to be seen.
2. She seems to be implying that unlike Star Wars there are no medical droids in the Star Trek universe. I think that this is incorrect since I am quite certain that Dr. Beverly Crusher routinely used Computer to do medical stuff. Is not Computer as equally cold and unfeeling as a robot? Seems kind of whack.
Anyway Worf and his security team arrive. Doctor Grandma tells them to stay out of her way so they stand in the doorway so they can scope their colleague's crotch as a human being (or whatever it is) comes out of it.
Data is being annoying as fuck asking questions about when babies are aware of the fact that they are babies inside a uterus when Troi is suddenly like, "HERE COMES THE BABY!" Doctor Grandma offers her something for the pain but Troi tells here there is no pain. We see Riker With Beard lurking in the shadows as he fuck buddy is in labor. Two shakes of a puppy-dog's tail later a baby is born.
Doctor Grandma wipes down the baby and gives him to Troi. She asks Troi if super easy births are normal for Betazoids. Troi tells her that they are not if her annoying mom is to be believed. Doctor Grandma then tells Worf that he and his dudes can fuck off. Data thanks Troi for letting him watch a human being (or whatever it is) come out of her crotch and tells her that it was a remarkable experience.
Doctor Grandma asks Troi if she's picked a name yet. Troi says that she's going to name the baby Ian Andrew after her father. Riker With Beard emerges from the shadows and tells her that the baby is, "beautiful...just like his mother." Smooth Riker With Beard...real smooth! He then kisses her cheek. Doctor Grandma asks Troi how she feels and Troi tells her that she feels "wonderful," and thanks Doctor Grandma for everything.
Later Doctor Grandma finally makes an appearance on the bridge. Picard greets her and asks her to sit down. He then asks her how Troi is doing. She tells him that she's "delivered dozens of babies," but none of them were this ease. She tells Picard that there was no pain or trauma for either her or the baby.
Picard does understand what she is talking about. Doctor Grandma tells him that even though Troi had her baby the day before if she were to examine her now she would be able to tell that she'd ever had a baby. "It's as if the incident never happened..." she says. She and Picard then go and visit Troi since there are still two hours until they are ready to transfer plagues onto the Enterprise.
They arrive at Troi's quarters and are shocked to find that Ian is walking around now. Picard's like, "HO FUCK! HOW OLD IS THAT KID?!"
Doctor Grandma tells him that he's only a day but has the look of a child that is "almost four earth years old." Troi tells Ian to, "say hello to Captain Picard." Picard is poleaxed that Ian, a one day old baby, can speak but he does so, greeting the captain. He then tells Picard, "Please don't worry. Everything is okay."
I don't know if it's the fact that there was creepy music, or the fact that the kid actor was creepy, or the fact that a small child declaring everything to be okay is hella creepy, or some combination of the three but this scene creeped me out. Some bad shit is about to go down but first PRODUCTS!!!
Back from break, Picard drops yet another Captain's Log, informing us that the Enterprise is facing "two major problems: Troi's child and the deadly cargo we are about to take on." I guess the kid is now eight years old.
Down in the sickbay Doctor Grandma and Data are going over the packing list of plagues when Riker With Beard calls them and tells them that they are ready to begin bringing the plagues aboard the ship. Doctor Grandma tells him that it's taking them longer than anticipated to categorize them.
Doctor Grandma then calls Data "Dahta," which Data takes umbrage with. "What's the difference?" Doctor Grandma asks. "One is my name. The other is not," replies Data. She then sarcastically examines him to check if there's some "cicuit for bruised feelings." Doctor Grandma is kind of a dick.
She returns to work and doesn't know what some symbol on the manifest means. Data tells her that it means the sample was genetically engineered. Doctor Grandma says that about 28% of the samples fall into this category and blames "some eager beaver."
Data does not know what an "eager beaver" is so Doctor Grandma explains that she meant an overachieving genetic engineer with nothing better to do who "forced this strain of virus to mutate, just so we can see how bad, bad can get." Doctor Grandma then calls Picard to inform him how fucked up the plague samples they are carrying are telling him that if the tamest of the samples were to get out all life on the Enterprise would be destroyed in a matter of hours.
Picard asks her if she has any recommendations but she tells him that she knows they are vital but wanted him to know how fucked up they were. Picard then tells Data that if he is finished reviewing the manifest he needs to go to the teleportation chamber to do some shit there. Data excuses himself and Doctor Grandma replies, "all right Dahta...Data...whatever..." because she's space racist against robots I guess. What a fucking dick!
Meanwhile in the Enterprise's daycare center, Ian and some other children are playing with an animal pen full of puppies! PUPPIES IN SPACE!!! Troi arrives to pick up Ian and she talks to a daycare worker who informs Troi that Ian is "a very tactile child. He wants to touch and feel everything." The daycare worker also tells Troi that she thinks Ian has grown since he got dropped off. Troi tells Ian to thank Miss Gladstone and then they leave together to get something to eat.
Elsewhere Data and O'Brien (who has finally been assigned to the teleportation chamber) begin beaming up samples of plague into the animal pens that Geordi and Dealt are overseeing. Riker With Beard gets on the horn and tells them to let him know when all the samples have been loaded and secured.
Later at Troi's quarters Doctor Grandma and Picard arrive to check on Ian. Troi tells them that they are doing fine and explains that she was getting his supper ready. Ian asks Picard if he wants his supper too but Picard tells him no, but thanks him for the invitation.
Ian abruptly changes topics and asks Picard if he's ever played with puppies before. Picard tells him that he has never played with puppies. Ian then tells Picard that he should go to daycare and play with the puppies while they are still there. Holy shit what if this conversation is the reason Picard gets the dog that he had in the trailers for Star Trek: Picard? Like episode one is Picard being like, "A weird demon kid that Troi gave birth to me told me I should play with the puppies in the nursery but I never got around to it on account of all the fuck plagues and brain fucklers and shit so after I retired I decided it was probably time to play with a puppy..."
Ian then randomly sticks his finger into a bowl of soup and cries out in pain. Doctor Grandma looks at the burn and treats it with some kind of laser pointer and tells him that he'll be fine. Ian tells Troi, "my face is wet," so she wipes his tears away and tells him that everything is going to be okay.
Doctor Grandma whispers to Picard that Ian intentionally burned himself. Picard assumes that he did so "for the experience." Doctor Grandma asks Picard who Ian is and why he's on the Enterprise so Picard asks him but Ian assumes that he means at the dinner table and tells Picard, "Because Mommy said it was time to eat." When Picard specifies "on this ship," Ian replies that it is where he lives.
Troi asks him if he is ready to tell them why he came to the Enterprise but Ian says that he is not yet ready. Troi tells the others that Ian knows the answer but is unable to articulate it at present. Picard tells her that he hopes Ian will be able to explain why he came soon.
Later Riker With Beard informs the Captain that the plague cargo has been loaded. Picard tells the crew to head to Rachelis at warp six.
Meanwhile in Ten Forward an escaped convict walks into a bar. No this is not the setup to a shitty joke, it's just Wesley Crusher wanders into a bar and goes and stares out the window. Whoopi Goldberg goes over and asks him if she can get him anything but Wesley tells her that he just likes looking out the window. She says that she understands why since the view is beautiful and then again asks if he wants anything.
She then asks him what he sees when he looks out the window. Wesley tells her about the random planets and stars and shit but she's like, "That's not what I mean. I mean, when you look there, don't you see your future?"
Wesley tells her it will still be there later and Whoopi Goldberg offers to get him a beverage for the third time. Wesley gets a little annoyed but Whoopi Goldberg tells him that offering to get drinks is what she's expected to do. She then asks Wesley if he does what's expected all the time.
Wesley tells her that he tries to even if it's something he doesn't really want to do because it's sometimes "more important to consider others before yourself." Whoopi Goldberg then replies that he is right, but emphasizes that sometimes it's important to know when to put your own self-interests ahead of those of others. She encourages Wesley to give himself "permission to be selfish," as the Enterprise jumps to hyperspace.
Down in the cargo hold Dealt says that "Something's wrong." There's growth in one of the animal pens. Geordi calls up to the bridge and informs the Captain who wants to know how serious the issue is. Dealt replies, "Very," as we head to commercials. PRODUCTS!!!
Back from the ad break we get another supplemental Captain's Log in which Picard reminds us that the plague is growing in the animal pen for reasons still unknown to him and his dudes in the event that we forgot what was happening during the commercial break.
Picard chats with Geordi about what the fuck is going on and Geordi tells him that there's no reason for the plague to be growing. Geordi adds that he "can't even isolate the cause of the problem." Riker With Beard and Data head down to the cargo hold to check it out and Picard phones Doctor Grandma and tells her to go down to the cargo hold as well.
Back on Ten Forward, Wesley Crusher tries to spit game at Whoopi Goldberg trying to figure out where she's from and how old she is. His terrible flirting is cut short by Picard summoning him to the bridge. Before he goes he thanks Whoopi Goldberg for helping him figure out what he needs to do going forward. She tells him that's why she's on the Enterprise...to do "magical negro" shit.
Down in the cargo hold Riker With Beard wants to know why one particular plague is going buck wild but all the others are completely fine. They check the animal pen but everything is working according to design. They then check to see if maybe the growth reading is incorrect but the computer tells them that there is definitely shit growing in there. This is weird because the computer voice is the rare "Male Voiced Computer" rather than the normal female voice Computer uses.
Doctor Grandma shows up and after being informed that one of the specimens is growing bellows, "DESTROY IT NOW!" Dealt tells her that he can't and the says that they can't jettison it into space since it will spore and just chill out until it hits a planet or another spaceship with disastrous results. He then tells everyone that the animal pen will not be able to hold the plague and in couple hours it will break free.
Riker With Beard calls up to Picard and tells him what's going on and then recommends moving all non-essential personnel to the saucer section and prepare to detach it if they can't get the plague sample under control. Picard is cool with this.
Doctor Grandma asks Dealt if he knows how this one plague came into being. Dealt pulls up a file and they review it. Apparently it was created by bombarding it with "Eichner radiation." Doctor Grandma wonders if exposure to Eichner radiation could be causing it to grow.
Dealt says that it would be possible but didn't detect any such radiation when he was doing his preliminary scans, though now he is detecting it. They try to figure out where the radiation could be coming from but none of the usually sources are things that are on the Enterprise.
Meanwhile in Troi's quarters it's bedtime for Ian. As Troi tucks him in Ian tells her that he can sense that some of the people are worried. Troi tells him that she can sense it too but he needn't worry about it. Ian tells her that he is the reason that they are all worried and that he has to leave immediately "or it'll be very bad for everyone."
Troi realizes that Ian, much like Luke and Leia's mom in Revenge of the Sith, has lost the will to live and is about to die. She gets on the horn and summons the medics to her quarter for a medical emergency as we head to commercials and Ian dies in her arms.
And we're back!
Doctor Grandma arrive with Data and Riker With Beard. Doctor Grandma asks if Ian ate anything poisonous or fell from a great height but Troi tells her he did not. Data scans the boy and determines that he is the source of the radiation that was causing the plague to go buck wild. Troi tells Data that Ian had claimed to be the reason the ship was in danger and Data replies that his analysis was correct.
Doctor Grandma is losing Ian...and Ian's dead. Doctor Grandma is like, "Well...he's dead I guess," and Troi beings to cry. A moment later Ian's body dissolves into the weird ball of light. Troi holds it in her hand and smiles before it flies off to adventure.
Geordi then phones Riker With Beard and tells him that the plague is no longer wilding out. Troi says that Ian was right then. He really was the cause of the plague going ape-shit. Riker With Beard is like, "I sure does look that way..."
Troi then explains that Ian was a "life force entity" which I assume is a slightly hornier relative to the crystalline entities that roam the galaxy. Troi explains that Ian saw the Enterprise and wanted to know more about humans and decided the best way to learn was to experience life as a human from the very beginning. This is fucking dumb the method in which he experienced life from birth means that he already understood how humans were born. This seems like a much higher level of understanding than the "a pile of puppies rules" and "soup is hot" nonsense he learned later. So I've got no idea what he actually needed or wanted to learn on the Enterprise.
Riker With Beard is then like, "When he turned into a weird ball of light you smiled. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!"
Troi replies, "He said, thank you. I told him we will miss him. And I will." She would not.
Later on the bridge the Enterprise approaches a spacebase. Picard calls down to the teleportation chamber and tells Data and O'Brien that they've arrived and wants this plague bullshit off his spaceship posthaste.
Riker With Beard agrees with the Captain and will be glad when they are relieved of the plagues. Picard then hands over command of the bridge to Riker With Beard and goes to leave but Wesley Crusher asks to speak with him when he has a moment. Picard tells him that he will be in his ready room when Wesley's duties permit.
Down in the cargo hold Geordi asks Dealt how long it will take to develop a vaccine. Dealt is like, "We may never develop one." Geordi gets a bit bummed out by the futility of it all but Dealt seems hopeful. Data then calls and tells them that they are ready to begin beam plagues and plague doctors down. Geordi wishes Dealt luck as the doctor is beamed off the Enterprise. When the doctor is gone, Geordi tells Data that he can being beaming the plagues off the ship.
Later in Picard's ready room, Wesley knocks and is told to come in. He tells Picard that he wants to stay on the Enterprise. Picard asks him if he's asked his mother but Wesley said that he wanted to ask Picard's permission first. Picard tells Wesley it's more complicated than that. Riker With Beard then calls on the phone and is like, "Yo boss, all the plagues are gone. We are ready to fuck off."
"MAKE IT SO NUMBER ONE!" booms Picard. He then tells Wesley to go back to work. A dejected looking Wesley Crusher leaves.
Back out on the bridge Picard informs the rest of the bridge crew that Wesley has asked to remain on the Enterprise. Riker With Beard asks Picard how he responded. Picard tells him that he hasn't yet since Wesley staying will cause problems for all of them.
Riker With Beard asks who will oversee his studies now that his mother is gone. Picard tells him that duty will fall upon Commander Data. Riker With Beard then asks who will tuck him in at night. Wesley is a dork and is like, "C'mon Commander...that's not funny," but Worf stoically declares that he will serve as Wesley's mother and make sure he is tucked in at night. Troi, who no longer gives a shit about her dead son, jokes, "Well, we know he'll get his sleep."
Picard then is like, "There's one more thing Number One. We need someone to show young Wesley how to fuck his way across the galaxy and score only the premium alien pootang. It is my belief, Number One, that you are best qualified to supervise that. ARE YOU WILLING TO SERVE?!"
Riker With Beard replies, "Difficult decision. Yes, I can do that."
Picard then tells Wesley to call his mom and tell her that he has Picard's permission to remain on the ship but will ultimately abide by her wishes. Wesley is certain that she'll agree to leave him on the Enterprise. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Extremely! Dude wanted to go to the bar to fetch Doctor Grandma just so he toss a couple back before heading back to work. Later he was fuming in a way that only someone who is completely hammered could be when his fuckbuddy revealed that she was pregnant and later volunteers without reservation to teach Wesley Crusher how to fuck and "be a man" or some shit. I'm not really sure since I was more distracted by the fact that Worf had volunteered to be Wesley's mom.
Final Thoughts
This was a weird fucking episode. There was some good stuff here, mainly the random pile of SPACE PUPPIES and the first appearance of Riker With Beard who is hands down the greatest Star Trek character of them all, and with the appearance of Riker With Beard we got all the accouterments that come with it: chair domination, making every line of dialogue sound horny as fuck, a killer smile. The actual episode sucked but the fact that Riker With Beard was here made it a lot easier to swallow which might be one of the reasons why a lot of real mediocre episodes in season one scanned as much worse than they might otherwise have been if Riker With Beard had been there instead of Riker Sans Beard.
I might be in the minority here but I'm also kind of glad that Whoopi Goldberg's character has finally shown up. She might turn out to be way more problematic than I recall her being, but I was always a fan of the stuff that made the Enterprise feel like a place that people actually lived and worked on (Ten Forward, that blue barber guy, etc.).
Also good was Dealt. Played by "one of those guys that's in everything," Seymour Cassel, Dealt was a welcome addition to the episode and it's unfortunate that he was only a one shot character since he and his mustache were awesome. I would have much rather they kept him as the Dr. Beverly Crusher replacement medic than Doctor Grandma (more about her in a moment). Also unfortunate? The fact that Cassel died earlier this year (on April 7, 2019) of Alzheimer's disease. So this installment of the Fuck Report is dedicated to his memory.
Now on to the non-dead actor related negatives. I hate Doctor Grandma. I don't know if it's just because of the fact that I had a huge crush on Dr. Beverly Crusher and thus resent the existence of Doctor Grandma or if the character itself is awful regardless of my own prejudices but I do not like her and still do not like her after rewatching this episode. I'm tempted to add a "How Much Did Doctor Grandma Piss Me Off" section in these closing notes for the duration of this season, but am pretty certain 90% of the time it will just be "SHE HAD A DUMB 80S GRANDMA PERM AND ISN'T DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER!" if she does something particularly egregious I'll mention it elsewhere otherwise just assume I'm annoyed by her lack of being Dr. Beverly Crusher whenever she appears. Like here for example she was space racist against robots which was weird and not something I remembered about the character as I mentioned early in my report it is entirely possible that this character trait is something that gets glossed over later, but at this point she's a gross space racist.
Fuck Count
I'm of the mind that someone from 1989 time traveled to the present day, saw my complaints about the complete and utter lack of fucking in season one and then went back to their own time and were like, "So this one asshole wants some fucking and is making japes about the horniness of our show? Fine! Let's give him what he wants!" While I do want fucking I'd much rather it be consensual fucking between a space lesbian and a robot or a Commander and a Misandrist Space Prime Minister or whatever. I don't want a weird light to sexually assault a sleeping woman, but that's what we got here and so, though it pains me to do so we begin season two with two individuals fucking, one of them without consent...
Troi: +1
Weird Light/Ian: +1
Total Fucks for Episode: 2
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 8
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