Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E03 - Elementary, Dear Data

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the only scientific study into the sexual habits of the crew of the USS Enterprise ever conducted! Today we continue our research into the show's reviled second season, specifically the third episode, Elementary, Dear Data. This is clearly going to be a shitty holodeck episode where people wear funny costumes. I can see why normal reviewers who want things like interesting episodes and memorable characters think this season is shit if three episodes in we're already getting a holodeck episode, but me? I'm here for the trips to the bone zone and even the worst episodes could have some intriguing fuck related data points, so let's get down to business!

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't know if there were a half dozen "Data as Sherlock Holmes" episodes or just one that they showed all the time when the show was being rerun so I'm not entirely sure if this episode is the episode I think it is, but whatever the case is (if there is but this one "Data as Sherlock Holmes" episode of if there are six of them) it is not an episode I have fond memories of on account of it sucking all kinds of ass.

Plot Synopsis
We start things off with a Captain's Log being dropped in which Picard explains that due to hauling way too much ass they have arrived three days ahead of time to rendezvous in the middle of nowhere with the USS Victory and they now find themselves with "nothing to do now but hold this position and wait."

Down in engineering Data talks to some random lady engineer saying that Geordi called for him and said it was urgent. She says that Geordi is "over there with the Victory." Data meets Geordi and is perplexed by what the lady engineer told him since they won't meet the Victory for another three days. Geordi explains that she was talking about the original Victory, a sailing vessel that Geordi has built a model of, because of course Geordi's a model guy...

Geordi tells Data that he's built the model as a gift to the captain of the USS Victory since he served under him when he was an ensign. He then talks about longing to be a sailor. Data's like, "Umm...you said this was urgent."

Geordi's like, "Oh yeah! You want to play Sherlock Holmes with me?"

Data does and then he and Geordi head off to the holodeck for some detective fuckery. Geordi tells the lady engineer (who is apparently named Clancy) that he'll be gone awhile and that while he's gone no one is to touch his model. She asks where she can reach him if there's an emergency to which Data replies, "He can be reached at 221B Baker Street," which I bet got all the Sherlock Holmes fans watching at home AMPED THE FUCK UP!

After that good, good theme song we check back in with a couple dorks dress in Sherlock Holmes attire. Data tells the computer to select a random Sherlock Holmes adventure where he can play Sherlock Holmes and Geordi can be Dr. John Watson. The computer starts up the program and Data and Geordi enter a replication of Sherlock Holmes' fuck-lair.

They look at a bunch of trinkets and shit that I guess people who are Sherlock Holmes superfans would jizz in their pants but I don't give a shit about any of this shit. Geordi asks Data what he's supposed to be doing if Data's solving all the crimes and getting all these hot gifts. Data tells him that he's supposed to "keep a written record of everything" he says and does.

Data then plays a violin while Geordi writes some shit. Eventually Data stops and says that they are about to have guests. A moment later there's a knock and Data tells Geordi not to keep the Inspector waiting. Geordi asks, "Inspector who?"

Data tells him, "Lestrade." Geordi opens the door and lo! There is Lestrade and some other dude. Lestrade tells Data that he's "in a deuce of a dilemma." Data replies, "Then may I say your perturbation becomes you, Inspector Lestrade, whilst simultaneously affording me yet again the opportunity to serve Queen and country."

Geordi asks him if "Holmes really talked like that?" to which Data replies, "Absolutely."

While Geordi decries the lack of electric lights in Victorian England while Lestrade explains to Data that an "emissary of a foreign government" was "accosted by gypsies," who picked his pockets, stealing a photo that the man was carrying.

Data rips the dude's coat apart revealing a hidden photograph. He then explains to Lestrade that the man is not an emissary for Bohemia, but rather an agent working against the King of Bohemia and the photo in question is a picture of the king and his mistress that was to be used as blackmail.

Geordi gets up and pauses the program and calls for the exit. He storms off declaring that he's "done!" Data hurries out after him.

Down in Ten Forward, Geordi asks Data what the point of going to the holodeck was if he was just going to yell out the answer without going through any of the work to solve the mystery. Clearly Geordi is not a fan of video game speed runs. He bemoans that Data doesn't understand what he's trying to tell him which prompts noted space racist, Doctor Grandma to wheel around from her table where's she's drinking alone to be like, "What do you expect Geordi? He is, after all, just a robot."

She goes off on a jag about how all Data can do is memorize shit and then spit back the correct answer to things that he'd earlier memorized. Geordi's like, "Hey that's not true! Data's also real good at deductive reasoning!"

Doctor Grandma admits that Holmes was also good a deductive reasoning, but unlike Data he understood the human soul and the darkness that would drive a man to evil and reiterates that Data could not possibly solve a mystery that he hadn't already read.

Geordi's then like, "What if we could have the computer make a brand-new Holmes style whodunit? That way Data wouldn't know what the answer is ahead of time!"

Doctor Grandma doubles down and insisted that Data "wouldn't have a prayer."

Data accepts her challenge and invites Doctor Grandma to accompany them to the holodeck to watch him solve a mystery. Doctor Grandma tells him that she wouldn't miss it. Data then tells Geordi, "Come, Watson!" as they head to the holodeck. Jesus Tittyfuckin' Christ as these two huge nerds!

Back outside the holodeck Data instructs Computer to create a new Sherlock Holmes style mystery but not one specifically written by Sir Arthur Conan "The Barbarian" Doyle. Geordi is amazed that Computer is going to create something new, but this might just be LeVar Burton being LeVar Burton. Data asks Doctor Grandma (who is dressed like a Gilded Age doxie) if this will be suitable and see says "We'll see."

The trio then enter the holodeck emerging on a misty London street. Doctor Grandma is amazed by the holodeck so Data and Geordi explain how the holodeck works to her. Geordi then asks Data what he wants to but before Data can answer, a small boy darts past them and a grubby looking dude shouts for them to stop the boy on account of him stealing the man's goods.

Geordi starts after the boy, but Data tells him it's a trick and has Data and Doctor Grandma follow him instead. He takes them to some dumbass building with a plaque reading "The Home of the Red-Headed League," where Data explains that this is the real site of the crime where a certain man was going to pull a rope and die. Data then pulls the rope and a big-ass snake falls from on high to demonstrate what would have killed the man.

Doctor Grandma shit talks him and calls him a fraud and says that all he did was recognize different elements of preexisting Sherlock Holmes stories. She credits him for his vast knowledge but says that Data's circuits "would just short out if confronted by a truly original mystery."

Geordi takes umbrage with this and summons an "arch," which is Star Trek technology previously never used. Some scofflaw who is hanging out with a baud watches from the shadows as Geordi uses the arch Computer to start up a "program that definitely challenges Data." He then asks the computer to "create a mystery to confound Data with an opponent who has the ability to defeat him."

Computer tells Geordi to "Define parameters of program," which leads to Geordi telling Computer, "Create an adversary capable of defeating Data."

Meanwhile on the bridge everything goes wonky. Riker With Beard asks Worf what the shit just happened and Worf's like, "Some kind of power surge or some shit. It's gone now."

Back on the holodeck the London street scene has changed slightly. Doctor Grandma makes note of the change while the baud asks the scofflaw, "Somefin' wrong Professor?"

The Professor tells her that he feels like a new man and then drops some 19th century Earth racism and calls Geordi "that dark fellow," before summoning an arch of his own. He asks what the arch is and Computer explains that it provides computer control and then asks him if he wants to input any commands. He does not so the arch vanishes.

The doxie gets nervous about the black magic Professor Moriarty is doing and runs off but Professor Moriarty is pleased.

Elsewhere in fake London Geordi and Data are looking for mystery when suddenly they hear a woman's scream. They turn around and run to where the sound came from and find a shoe. Data searches for clues and then uses deductive reasoning to determine that Doctor Grandma was kidnapped by two men who have hauled her away. "The game is afoot!"

They follow the sound of footfalls but ultimately end up at a dead end. They backtrack and run into Inspector Lestrade who is all amped up to see them. They with him to a dead body in the street with a crowd gathered around it.

Lestrade and Geordi want Data to solve the case, but Data's like "This has nothing to do with the disappearance of Doctor Grandma." Geordi is like, "Maybe I can solve the crime..." He attempts to solve the crime but everything he susses out turns out to be wrong so Data is like, "No man, he didn't get killed by a stranger he was murdered by his common-law wife because he's an abusive piece of shit who just got out of prison today and was going to beat her up some more. She strangled him with a beaded shawl...come on Geordi we got a Doctor Grandma to save!"

The cops arrest the old lady who apparently murdered an abusive husband as Geordi and Data head out to adventure. Geordi is like, "If the murder wasn't connected to Doctor Grandma's disappearance it must be running an independent program..." I don't know why any of this confuses them but it does.

Geordi is happy though because Data confesses that he has no idea what is going to happen next. The come to some warehouse and Data tells Geordi that they will find Doctor Grandma instead because, "it is the only obvious choice."

Geordi asks him why the obvious choice is suddenly the right one since this is, after all, a game of misdirection. Data tells him that it isn't anymore because "he" wants them to find him. Geordi asks "Who does?" and Data replies, "Professor Moriarty himself!"

Data and Geordi then search the warehouse but Geordi's like, "There's nothing here but these barrels!" Classic Victorian England barrel warehouse. Data, however, finds a trail that is "well marked" though completely invisible to the guy who has a V.I.S.O.R. that allows him to see shit that normal eyeballs cannot detect. Again the trail leads to a dead end but Data is like, "Nope! Classic secret bookcase door!"

The duo step through the door and find themselves what we would soon learn to be the lair of Moriarty. There's a bunch of science shit and also a chaise lounge and some other furnishings. Geordi declares this to be a game finally worth playing as Moriarty emerges.

Moriarty says, "The time for games is over," and then he and Data rap at one another. Moriarty recognizes Data and Geordi as Holmes and Watson but also seems to know that they aren't the Holmes and Watson that he actually knows which Geordi is confused by.

Data asks where Doctor Grandma is. Moriarty tells him that she is there and has provided him with many answers even in her silence. Data asks if Moriarty has hurt her. He answers that he has not but will if necessary. He then explains that his mind is clouded with images and thoughts that he does "not understand yet cannot purge." He goes on to say that he knows of Computer and says that it is "wiser than the oracle at Delphi," and then summons an arch.

Geordi is poleaxed by Moriarty's ability to summon an arch since "a holographic image should not be able to call for the arch."

Moriarty then says that the computer has "described a great monstrous shape on which I am like a fly stuck on a turtle's back adrift in a great emptiness." He hands Data a sheet of paper and asks him, "What is this, Holmes?"

Data looks at the paper and turns whiter than he already is and then hauls ass out of the warehouse. Geordi charges after him while Moriarty asks him what the paper frightened him so. Out on the street Data summons and exit and then goes out into the hall and tells the computer to shut down the program on the holodeck but the computer tells him that he cannot because the "override protocol has been initiated."

Geordi asks what spooked him so badly and if he knows why they can't shut the holodeck off. Data shows him the paper which had a drawing of the Enterprise on it. Geordi is once again poleaxed by the situation. He asks how a fictional character could have drawn the Enterprise and who has control of Computer.

Data explains that Moriarty has control of Computer even though there's no way that should be possible and then tells Geordi that Doctor Grandma is in grave danger.

After a quick ad break we check in with the crew in the conference room. Picard asks Computer who authorized the override protocol being initiated.

"Geordi," replies Computer leaving Geordi poleaxed once more.

Picard wants to know the entire story of what happened so Geordi recaps the episode up to that point and how Doctor Grandma's space racism lead to him asking the computer to create "a worthy opponent."

"Worthy of Holmes?"

"OH FUCK! I asked for an opponent capable of defeating Data!" replies Geordi.

Now I know I occasionally will fake quote people on this show bellowing "fuck" or "shit" for comedic effect (see above) but after Geordi explains his fuck up Picard legit groans, "Merde..." This is one of the few French phrases I remember from my six years of French and it's like, "Aw shit!" or something along those lines so good job getting that past the censors writers of a terrible episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Data explains that Moriarty was able to summon an arch which means that he has access to Computer and the ship's libraries which would provide him with the knowledge needed to make him a worthy adversary for Data. Picard asks if Moriarty has any limitations and Data tells him that he is still a fictional 19th century character so his starting level of comprehension is that of a 19th century person. Picard asks what Moriarty would need to be able to make use of the Next Generation information now at his disposal.

"Only time, sir," replies Data.

The crew then spitball ways that they could eliminate Moriarty. All the ideas involve violence and are ultimately ruled out as they would put Doctor Grandma at risk of death. Troi then says that she detects a consciousness on the holodeck "trying to bring it all into focus," whatever that means. Data declares that by programming Moriarty to beat him rather than Holmes he had to be able to acquire a consciousness or he would not be able to best Data.

The ship then suddenly shakes violently for a moment. Picard asks Computer what the shit just happened and Computer tells him that "attitude and stabilization control of the Enterprise was momentarily transferred to holodeck two." Picard them tells Data that he will return to the holodeck with him after changing into something Victorian.

Back in Moriarty's lair Doctor Grandma asks him how he made everything shake, but he doesn't know. Moriarty then makes her tea and tells her to try the scones as he asks her about the Enterprise. Doctor Grandma plays dumb (or might just be dumb about the Enterprise since she's only been on the ship for like 3 episodes).

She thanks him for the tea and crumpets and tells him to tell her what he wants from her or let her go but Moriarty says that she is the bait to catch Captain Jean Luc Picard. Doctor Grandma says that she doesn't know who that is.

Out on the Enterprise we see Worf dressed like a 19th century manservant. "Nice suit," mocks Riker With Beard. Worf thanks him and tells Picard that he'll be standing by to assist if needed. Riker With Beard continues to mock him but Picard is all business in his top hat and has the computer open the door so he and Data can return to fake London.

Things look much grimmer than they did earlier with people moaning and fog all over the goddamn place. Picard surmises that Moriarty has gotten control of the environment and is altering the programming. Picard picks up a random coin for good luck but some knife wielding mugger tells him that he'll take the coin "and any more you got too."

Data disarms the man and then crushes his thumb. Data says that he thinks the mugger could have injured him. Picard says that the hologram could have killed them. Both these cats were on the holodeck when that 20th century scholar got shot for real. Why are they surprised by any of this shit?

The mugger begs to be let go and cries that Data is hurting him. Picard tells Data to let the man go and after the ruffian runs off Data and Picard head to the warehouse where Moriarty's lair is.

Picard and Data enter Moriarty's lair. Moriarty greets Picard by name and Doctor Grandma stands up from the chaise lounge she was lounging on and begins buttoning her jacket. WAIT! Were she and Moriarty fucking? Picard asks her if she's alright and she replies, "Yes, except for being crammed full of crumpets." That's gotta be a sex thing since he was feeding her scones, not crumpets.

Moriarty says that he is "a civilized abductor," but that he is "still dangerous," and to demonstrate precisely how dangerous he is he pulls a lever on a steampunk lever machine causing the ship to shake wildly.

Riker With Beard calls down to Worf to check out what the shit is going on. Worf tells him that nothing has changed.

Back in Moriarty's lair, Picard explains that he was created to attempt to defeat Holmes and once that attempt has been completed he will cease to exist regardless of whether he wins or loses. Data admits defeat and congratulates Moriarty but Moriarty says it's gone beyond "that little game." He calls Data by his real name and says that he has grown and understands more and more with each passing moment and with his steampunk lever machine he can affect the vessel and inflict bodily harm on them and Doctor Grandma.

Picard asks Moriarty what he wants and the hologram replies that he wants what Picard wants: the continue to exist. They then talk about how energy and matter are the same thing or something and more boring ass technical shit about how the holodeck works before Picard admits that they've yet to work out a way of converting energy into matter outside the holodeck. Moriarty then realizes that if he were to leave the holodeck he'd cease to exist.

They then wax philosophical about the meaning of life. Moriarty says that if Picard can't get him off the holodeck he must kill him. Picard says that he doesn't want to kill him. Moriarty returns control of the holodeck to Picard and tells Doctor Grandma that he has enjoyed her company.

Picard then phones Riker With Beard and tells him that the situation is under control. He then tells Moriarty that the Enterprise's "computer has a vast memory capacity," and that they will use it save the program and once technology has advanced to the point that Moriarty will be able to leave the holodeck they'll bring him back. Moriarty then tells Doctor Grandma that perhaps they'll meet again some day.

She tells him, "It could be a long time. Time won't pass for you, but I may be an old woman." Moriarty tells her that even if she's an older crone than she already is, "I'll still fill you with crumpets, Madam." I'm pretty sure this is a sex thing.

He then gives Picard control of the arch and tells him that he hates long goodbyes, so Picard has the computer save the program of Moriarty and then shuts down the Sherlock Holmes program after Moriarty has faded.

Down in engineering, Geordi is looking at his model ship. Picard asks him if it was damaged. Geordi says that it "cracked a spar" when Moriarty shook the Enterprise but is otherwise in tiptop shape. He then apologizes for fucking things up so terribly and nearly getting them all killed via misspeaking a single word.

Picard doesn't seem too concerned by it and tells him that everything will soon be "Bristol fashion." Geordi has no idea what this means (and neither do I). Fortunately Picard explains that it means "everything in perfect order." He then explains that by everything he also means him and Geordi. Riker With Beard then calls on the phone to inform Picard that the USS Victory has arrived to close out the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Insufficient data to determine his level of intoxication as he was scarcely in the episode. Doctor Grandma, however, was clearly drunk as fuck the entire time. They picked her up in the bar where she was drinking alone and she spent the remainder of the episode being shit at lying and flirting with a hologram that she pretty clearly wanted to fuck.

Final Thoughts
I gotta confess I was a very confused by the HARD SCIENCE of why they could or couldn't save Moriarty from the confines of the holodeck.

Point of Confusion #1: Can things from the holodeck exist outside of it?
The mobsters from The Big Goodbye vanished when the left the holodeck and it was stated here that Moriarty would meet the same fate were he to leave, but in that one episode with the plague from season one Wesley and his friend were acting a fool a threw a snowball from the holodeck at Picard that hit him and here Data was able to carry a sheet of paper out of the holodeck and walk around with it and then there was the lipstick that got left on Picard's face after a holographic dame kissed him in The Big Goodbye.

Point of Confusion #2: Can't they convert energy to matter outside of the holodeck with ease?
They continually say that the holodeck uses technology similar to the teleportation chamber to convert energy into matter, hell they brought it up in this very episode. While it might be possible to handwave away with something like "Well, the teleportation chamber converts matter to energy and then back to matter but the holodeck is lacking that first step so it doesn't work," there was that episode where Picard teleported himself into a random space cloud that he fell in love with or something and his body was completely fucked via hanging out in deep space without a space suit. His energy signal still existed though and with that they were able to beam him back onto the Enterprise and reconstitute him into a human being. Moreover they are able to use their replicators to create organic matter (ie food) so there doesn't seem to be a hurdle there.

Point of Confusion #3: Couldn't they have just put Moriarty into a robotic body?
I know that Data and Lore and whatever the other Data from that one Star Trek movie was named are supposed to be very unique, there are clearly more commonplace robots as evident by the fact that Doctor Grandma is racist towards them. If Data was the only robotic being in existence her space racism would be really weird. Since Moriarty was just a machine consciousness at the end of the day couldn't they have put his "mind" into a robotic body to give him a stopgap corporeal existence if they weren't able to give him a real human body? I mean he might not want such a thing but would it have been any different for him than going inside a computer as a save file? Besides if he had been a charming British gentleman robot maybe Doctor Grandma would learn to love robots faster than I think she does on account of wanting to get crammed with crumpets.

Also none of this answers the question as to why Picard didn't just destroy Moriarty immediately when given the chance. I mean he was a machine consciousness based on a fictional villain that in a couple hours was able to take control of numerous systems on the Enterprise with nothing but a steampunk lever machine. Seems like a pretty bad idea to keep something like that around...

All of this is to say this episode sucked a ton of ass and was boring, filed with plot and logic inconsistencies and ultimately covered too much of the same territory the holodeck episodes in season one explored. Also? Zero fucking.

Fuck Count
I might have joked about "crammed full of crumpets" being some sort of euphemism for fucking but in my heart of hearts I don't think that Doctor Grandma actual fucked a hologram which means no one in this episode fucked, putting a chaste cherry atop a terrible holodeck episode.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 8