Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E04 - The Outrageous Okona

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the leading authority in Star Trek related sexual research. Today we continue our investigation into the amorous activities of the crew of the USS Enterprise by looking at the fourth episode of season two, The Outrageous Okona, which first aired on December 12, 1988.

Preexisting Prejudices
I think this is the one where Data tries to learn comedy from a holodeck rendering of a Borscht Belt comic which is a shitty plot but it feels more like a b-plot and whatever the main plot was it wasn't memorable enough for me to remember anything about it.

Plot Synopsis
Picard drops a Captain's Log informing us that they are traveling in some random-ass system "traversing between the twin planets that form the Coalition of Funky Cold Medina." The two planets were colonized by a humanoid race 200 years back and now coexist under a tenuous treaty.

We check in with the bridge where Worf has detected an unidentified vessel. They scan it and find that it's an inerplanetary cargo ship with one humanoid on board.  It's lightly armed and it appears that the guidance system is malfunctioning so the pilot is manually piloting the craft.

As the ship approaches they open hailing frequencies. Picard introduces himself as an ass appears on the big TV phone on the bridge. The owner of the ass says that he is Captain Okona of the cargo carrier Erstwhile, but it quickly becomes apparent that this motherfucker is none other than Han Solo. Dude's smuggler in a vest that Troi declares to be, "mischievous, irreverent and somewhat brazen." She then adds that, "the word that seems to best describe him is rogue." Like I said, Han Motherfuckin' Solo.

Picard explains to him what the issue with his ship is and Han Solo asks if they would mind helping him out. Wesley Crusher says that it would easy to repair Han Solo's ship so they agree to lock a tractor beam onto his ship and beam him aboard the Enterprise to make the repairs.

Worf recommends limiting Solo's access to the ship and Picard agrees. They lock a tractor beam onto Han Solo's ship and then Picard calls down to the Teleportation Overlord and tell them to prepare to beam Solo aboard. O'Brien must have the day off because a woman's voice replies that she's ready on his command.

Solo is like "Ho shit! Was that a woman's voice?!"

Picard tells him that it is and then tells him to follow Riker With Beard's instructions so their ship "can get back to its normal routine." Riker With Beard starts laughing and Picard's like, "The fuck you laughing at?" Riker With Beard tells him that "unexpected is our normal routine," before he fucks off to the teleportation room after telling Han Solo to turn off his engines.

After that good, good theme song we see what's going on down in the teleportation chamber. Riker, Data, Worf, Wesley Crusher and Teleportation Overlord Teri Hatcher are down awaiting Han Solo's arrival. He appears in his vest and shit and Worf demands he hand over his weapons.

"A Klingon security officer? No wars available?" he asks Worf as he hands over guns. Worf holds out his hand for the rest of Han Solo's weapons and Han Solo pulls a knife from his boot and gives it to Worf declaring it to be "more of a piece of jewelry than a weapon."

Riker With Beard welcomes him to the ship and asks him to hand the broken part of his ship over to Data so they can make the repairs. Solo tells him that he's happy to do the work himself and declares himself to be "the hands-on type."

Riker With Beard tells him that the tools they use on the Enterprise might be beyond Solo's ken. Solo is like, "I can believe that," and then asks to watch the repairs. Riker With Beard tells him that that could be arranged and so Solo gives the broken spaceship chunk to Wesley, assuming that he is Commander Data.

Wesley tells him that he isn't Data so Solo asks him his name. Wesley tells him, "Wesley. Wesley Crusher," so Han Solo does the classic Dad Joke® move of replying "Nice to meet you Wesley Wesley Crusher," before turning his attention to Teri Hatcher's character and macking it to her.

She does not seem all that impressed at first by his cheesy pickup lines but by the end of the scene she's giving him her room number while Riker With Beard praises him for having "excellent vision as well as a healthy libido." NOW THIS IS THE GODDAMN HORNINESS I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IN THIS GODDAMN SHOW!

Out in the hall Han Solo declares, "NOW THAT'S SEX APPEAL!" Data tells him that "sexual attraction in this context is not part of my programming," prompting Solo to ask him if he's seen "any good looking computers lately." Data looks at him in confusion so Solo tells him that it was a joke and that it's funny.

Down in engineering, Geordi is working on Solo's spaceship chunk. He tells Solo that the new chunk will outlast Solo's ship. Solo asks if it's because the part is so good or because of the way he flies his ship. Geordi tells him more the former than the latter but does say that Solo pushes his "ship a little beyond its design capabilities."

Solo says that because his life as a cargo hauler is a bit dull he is "forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and a zest to the doldrums of [his] existence."

Later, out in the hallway, Solo asks Data if he's ever been cold or hot. Data tells him that he has not. Solo then asks if he's ever been drunk. Data tells him that he's never been drunk and specifies from alcohol (did he get "drunk" in the fuck plague episode I can't recall).

Solo then asks about love. Data asks if he means the act of fuckin' or the emotion of love. Solo says that they are the same but Data doesn't think he's write. Solo then tells some "joke" about canaries flying in a spaceship that Data takes literally. Solo tells him that he was telling a joke and then asks if he knows what a joke is.

Data gives a dictionary definition of a joke but Solo is like, "I'm talking about humor. Fun. Do you know what funny is?"

Data doesn't seem to so Solo asks where 806 is and Data points it out and asks why. Solo tells him that Data "probably wouldn't understand that either," as the door opens and reveals Teri Hatcher in some space lingerie. She greets him as Solo enters and we head to commercial break.

WOOOO! Some more fucking! Congratulations Han Solo and Teri Hatcher's Character you have joined the annals of history alongside Riker Without Beard, Misandrist Space Prime Minister, and Weird Space Light as characters who have fucked on Star Trek.

Down in engineering Wesley Wesley Crusher asks Riker With Beard what he thinks of Han Solo. Riker With Beard tells him that Solo is an interesting man who knows how to handle his ship and "knows how to handle people as well."

Wesley Wesley Crusher then asks Riker With Beard why Solo works alone. Riker With Beard tells him because it's right there in his name...Solo and then tells Wesley that he's a man who lives by his own rules and does what he does by his own choice and someday Wesley Wesley Crusher will have to make his own choice.

"I already have," says Wesley Wesley Crusher with an annoyingly smug look on his dumb face. Fuck I hate Wesley Wesley Crusher so much!

Later in Ten Forward, Data is talking to Whoopi Goldberg about whether or not he is missing an "important human factor." She tells him that she's never seen him laugh (probably on account of being in a grand total of two episodes at this point and never interacting with Data prior to this scene). She asks him if he knows what a joke is and again Data busts out the dictionary definition but is cut off by Whoopi Goldberg who tells him, "You're a droid and I'm annoyed."

Data's like, "Oh shit did I say something to offend you?"

She tells him that he did not and then repeats the "You're a droid and I'm annoyed," line. Data then is like, "Oh, not annoyed a 'noid as in humanoid. You told a joke. I am not laughing. Perhaps the joke was not funny." Whoopi Goldberg tells him that the joke was funny and it's all on Data. I didn't laugh either Whoopi so maybe it's just a shit joke!

Data asks what he should do and Whoopi Goldberg tells him that under normal circumstances she'd tell him to "seek a higher power," but in Data's case "a smarter computer" is probably the order of the day.

Later outside the Holodeck, Data asks Computer to tell him more about humor, "why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh." Computer tells him that it's a pretty broad question and asks him to specify. Does he want "physical humor, cerebral, or general raconteur?" Data asks for the performer considered funniest out of every comedian ever in the history of the universe.

According to Computer that person is one Stan Orega, a 23rd century comic who "specialized in jokes about quantum mathematics." Data rules this to be "too esoteric," and requests something more generic. Computer pulls up a list of names and Data picks one.

He then enters the holodeck which looks like a shitty comedy club. There's a comic on stage. Fuck it's Joe Piscopo. I hate this fucking guy...

Data asks him to teach him what is funny. Joe Piscopo tells him, "It's a matter of opinion, I guess. Tip O'Neill in a dress? Some people say words that end with a K are funny. A briefcase that looks like a fish. Personally I find that hysterical." This fucking sucks. A super dated reference to an American politician, "lol queerness," and stuff that not even a small child would find amusing. I hate when non-comedy shows try to be funny. It never works.

Joe Piscopo does a shit Jerry Lewis impression. This is very childish and embarrassing. I had to stop watching for a bit due to how cringey it was. Eventually they stop this bullshit and Data concludes that, "if you put funny teeth in your mouth and jump around like an idiot, that is considered funny."

Joe Piscopo asks him if he's considered taking up "juggling, weird bird calls? Stuff like that?" but Data tells him that he needs to learn how to be funny so he can involve himself in the laughter of others. Joe Piscopo thinks that Data's goal is nice and decides that maybe slapstick bullshit isn't for him and instead he should try some jokes.

Joe Piscopo says that telling jokes is "not [his] forte," but he beings to teach Data "the classics." Data watches him perform and continuously speeds up his performance, saving all of us from having to hear a bunch of hacky jokes from the 1960s.

Later at Ten Forward, a cigar champing Data is telling that shitty joke where a patient asks a doctor for a second opinion and the doctor tells him that he's ugly too. Whoopi Goldberg tells him that he "spoiled the joke," which I don't think is possible on account of it being a shitty joke to begin with. She, however, is a bit nicer and says that perhaps it could have been because of Data's timing.

Data deadpans, "My timing is digital," which causes Whoopi Goldberg to laugh. He asks her what she's laughing about and she tell him that what he just said was funny, but that it would take to long to explain why when Data wants to know the reason. She tells him to tell her another joke and Data begins on another hackneyed joke but we are thankful spared from having to hear it by Picard summoning him to the bridge.

He promises to return later and Whoopi Goldberg tells him to "bring new jokes."

One the bridge an unidentified ship approaches the Enterprise. The Enterprise opens hailing frequencies but gets no response. Worf tells them that the ship is locking lasers on the Enterprise.

"LASERS?!" exclaims a completely poleaxed Riker With Beard.

Picard explains that lasers couldn't even penetrate the ship's "navigation shields," which means I've been wrong all this time about the phasers and lasers being the same thing since here they seem to be implying that attacking the Enterprise with lasers is the Next Generation equivalent of someone attempting to shoot up a shopping center in America in 2019 with a blunderbuss.

Riker With Beard tells him that "regulations call for a yellow alert," and Picard tells him that it's, "a very old regulation," but to go ahead and make it so. He then tells him to reduce speed and drop the main shields as well in case they decide to surrender to them.

We return from break and the Captain of the cute little ship with it's lasers locked on the Enterprise hails them. The Captain introduces himself as Debin and scolds the Enterprise for being in their territory and tells them to prepare to be boarded.

"Shades of Gulliver's Travels," jokes Riker With Beard, "He actually meant it..."

Now if Debin's being truthful here and the Enterprise had no rights to enter the particular system they are in Riker With Beard's jape and everything the Enterprise had done up to this point in the episode, makes him and the crew seem like a bunch of imperialist assholes to whom might makes right which seems to fly in the face of what this show is supposed to be about.

Picard asks Debin why he's locked his weapons on the Enterprise and Debin replies that the Enterprise is towing the ship of a known criminal wanted on Atlec. Picard says that Han Solo was in trouble and Picard had an obligation to offer assistance. Debin gives zero shits and demands Picard turn Solo over. Picard asks Debin what crimes Solo stands accused of but Debin will not say.

A second ship approaches the Enterprise, also armed with lasers. Riker With Beard asks if it is another ship from Atlec, but Data says that it appears to be a "security vessel from the planet Straleb." They open hailing frequencies with the second vessel and a man who introduces himself as Kushell appears. He too demands that Picard turn over Han Solo to be punished from crimes committed, this time on the planet Straleb.

Picard summons Han Solo and tells Kushell that the dude from Atlec has also made the same demand of him and that he doesn't want to escalate the situation. Kushell tells him that his "honor and prestige are at stake," and goes so far as to say that they are prepared to die in order to get Solo. Picard tells them he hopes that it doesn't come to that and promises to respond to their request shortly.

After Picard hangs up his TV Space Phone, Worf tells him that Solo has not responded and that "he's been reported in three different crew quarters."

Picard sends Worf to go find him and as Worf marches through the halls of the Enterprise some real, "Shit's about to pop off" music plays. Worf barges in on Solo post-fuck as he's making out with some random female crew member of the Enterprise.

Worf tells Solo that he'll come with him to the bridge..."NOW!" Solo tries to get into Worf's face and Worf tells him that he'd love to fuck him up in the octagon or some shit but can't because he has his orders. Solo tells the late 80s babe to "remember what it took to drag me from your arms."

Moments later in the TURBOLIFT Solo asks Worf if he's going to get to meet Captain Picard. Worf laughs at him and tells him, "Definitely," leaving Solo to wonder if he said something funny.

On the bridge, Worf introduces Han Solo to Captain Picard. Picard tells him that when he allowed him to come aboard he did not conduct and "undue investigation" because "it was assumed that [he] did not come under false pretenses," but it now appears that that is precisely what he did.

Solo asks if this is about fucking half the crew of the Enterprise. Picard tells him that it is not and that he is free to fuck whoever he wants on the Enterprise. What Picard is talking about is Debin. Solo tells Picard that Debin is from Atlec and that he has "had dealings with some of his family."

Picard asks him to explain why Debin is threatening to laser the Enterprise unless Picard hands over Solo to him. Solo tells him that he cannot and so Picard asks Solo why "Kushell of the planet Straleb is demanding the same thing."

Solo seems surprised that Kushell is also there. Picard asks him what crimes he is accused of but Solo is adamant that he is not a criminal. Picard gets fed up with this shit and has Worf call one of the ships. "The first one! Captain Debin!" he replies annoyedly when Worf asks which ship.

Picard asks Debin once again what Solo's crimes are but Debin says that it is not Picard's concern. Picard tells him that if he wants him to release Solo to his custody it is and so Debin brings out a pregnant young woman and tells Picard, "He dishonored my daughter. He took advantage of her, then he ran off and left her carrying his bastard child. He'll return, and he'll do the right thing or I'll hunt him to the ends of the galaxy!" PRODUCTS!!!

Back from break Picard drops a Captain's Log about a mysterious "ancient morality play," and how one of Han Solo's "pursuers is an outraged father with a heartfelt, if arcane, sense of righteousness."

Back on the bridge, Picard asks Troi's opinion. She tells him that while Debin's ideas about his daughter's honor might seem meaningless to the crew of the Enterprise, "he will fight, risking himself, his crew, his daughter, and her unborn child," to defend his and her honor.

Worf informs the captain that the other ship is demanding to be heard as well. Picard asks Solo again if he has any idea what Kushell wants but Solo just sighs and shakes his head. Picard, having had quite enough of this shit, has Worf put everyone on the TV phone on conference call to sort this shit all out. Debin and Kushell start yelling at each other and Picard cuts them off and asks Kushell what crime Solo is accused of.

Kushell tells him that, "He is a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia, a national treasure." Debin's like, "Pshaw! A thing! This scumfuck fucked my daughter!" Solo asks Kushell who accuses him of stealing and Kushell replies, "I do! My son, Benzan and I!"

Kushell's son, a dweeb in a leather bomber jacket is like, "Father please..." but his dad is like, "SON! HE USED YOU TO GET TO ME!" This prompts another argument between Kushell and Debin if using a son to steal a jewel is worse than raw dogging it with a princess or something. Picard is sick of their shit and hangs up on both of them and then tells Solo to come with him.

In Picard's office Picard and Solo talk about the situation. Solo apologizes for getting Picard wrapped up in all this bullshit and tells him that no matter what Picard decides to do people are going to get hurt. If he hands Solo over to Kushell, Debin will go to war and if he gives him to Debin, Kushell will be on the warpath.

He tells Picard that he isn't going to apologize for being a rogue but wants Picard to know that he did not steal the jewel and with regards to the "other business, that's between [him] and Yanar, no one else."

Picard tells him that he does not have the authority to act in this matter as either a judge or an arbitrator but because Solo is in his custody he's got a bit of a dilemma. Solo tells him to just do what he was going to do all along: help him fix his ship and then let him leave.

Picard tells him that that is his only course of action under Starfleet regulations but reminds Solo that Kushell and Debin's ships are faster than his so letting him go wouldn't be doing him any favors. Solo tells him that he can take care of himself.

Later in engineering, Solo asks Geordi how long it will take for him to finish the repairs on his space chunk. Geordi asks him, "What's the rush? I thought you liked it here."

Solo tells him that he did like it there but "It stopped liking me. Time to disappear."

Wesley Crusher asks him where he will go and Solo replies, "A new place...if I make it." Wesley wants to know if he ever stays anywhere. Solo tells him that he doesn't stay in one place very long. Wesley tells him that he couldn't live that way; always being alone. He says that it would be hard to leave his friends and loved ones like that so often, Solo tells him, "I seem to have a way of using up a place," but Wesley wasn't talking about a place. Solo tells him that he knows what he is talking about and then after Geordi hands him the completely repaired space chunk is like, "What's the rush? I have some friends around here. I think it's time to take a stand."

After another ad break Solo goes back to the bridge and tells Picard that he has decided to turn himself in. Picard then summons both parties to meet on the Enterprise so they can discuss this situation face to face since space phone partylines suck all kinds of ass. Riker With Beard tells them to leave their weapons behind and then everyone prepares for the most exciting part of space travel. PEER MEDIATION!

Some time later, Debin and Kushell beam aboard with their kids and Teri Hatcher tells Worf that they don't have any weapons, so Worf brings them to a "conference room."

The "conference room" in question looks more like a living room or an airport waiting area since it's just a bunch of random chairs. No big-ass table or whiteboard or anything here! Debin and Kushell scold Solo for being a shameless cad and then start demanding Picard hands Solo over to each of them.

Solo's like, "Everyone is talking about me, and no one is talking to me!"

He says that he's been accused of thievery and fuckery and stands to be punished for one of the two crimes. As the punishment for theft is prison or death or some shit, and the punishment for knocking up Yanar is marrying Yanar he will choose the later.

Kushell's leather bomber jacket son, Benzan's like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't!" and his dad is like, "That's right! You can't escape prison or death or some shit by marrying that Mon Mothma looking motherfucker!" That is not what Benzan in the leather bomber jacket meant though.

Debin tells everyone that since he has been dishonored he will decided but his daughter's like, "Since everyone thinks Han Solo and I fucked I will totally marry him." Again Benzan, the leather bomber jacket son of Kushell, is like "NO!!!!!!"

Kushell is like, "This resolves nothing! Han Solo is still a thief!" This prompts his son, Benzan (the dweeb in a leather bomber jacket) to say that Solo didn't steal anything. He confesses to giving the jewel to Solo to give to Yanar as a "pledge of marriage." He then admits that he was the one who raw dogged it with Yanar and got her in a family way.

Debin's like, "WTF Yanar?! You said you and Han Solo fucked!"

Yanar tells him that if she'd told him the truth he'd have gone to war with Kushell. Benzan of the leather bomber jacket then tells his dad that if he had told him why he was taking the jewel he would have been disowned, so he let him think that Han Solo stole it since he didn't think he would have been able to catch him and once Solo delivered the jewel to Yanar the marriage would have been official and there would have been nothing Kushell could have done.

Yanar says she never got the jewel and Solo says that this entire episode went down before he had a chance to deliver it. Yanar's then like, "It's too late! I won't marry Benzan!" Her dad is like, "Then you'll marry Han Solo!" but she's like "Fuck that! I'm not marrying anyone!"

Meanwhile outside the holodeck Data and Whoopi Goldberg summon Chucklefuck's Laugh Shack back up and enter. Whoopi hopes that Data has some new jokes as they enter.

Data tells Joe Piscopo that he told a joke and no one laughed. Joe Piscopo's like, "Nobody in the whole room?" to which Whoopi Goldberg replies that she was the entire room and that Data killed the joke he told.

Joe Piscopo tells him that he always should road-test new material with an audience. Whoopi Goldberg agrees with this and Data summons a roomful of late 80s stand-up comedy fans. Remember those "What's the deal with hotel soap?" intro parts of Seinfeld? The audience here looks just like the audience in those into parts.

Back in the "conference room," Han Solo tries to convince Yanar to marry Benzan. He tells her that he knows they both love each other and he doesn't want to see her "throw away that feeling just because your parents have been quarreling and for years and don't know how to behave properly."

Yanar admits that he is right and the she and Benzan confess their love for each other and agree to get married. This leads to Debin and Kushell arguing about wedding arrangements and where the couple will live. Picard tells them that since this issue no longer involves him he is going to leave as he has business to attend to.

Back on the holodeck, Data prepares to deliver a set at the comedy club. Joe Piscopo warms up the crowd and has them give it up for the headliner, Data. A cigar wielding Data, dressed in a tuxedo, comes on stage and starts delivering shitty jokes that the crowd is dying over. Eventually Data realizes that the crowd has been programmed to laugh at everything he says or does regardless of whether or not it's funny so he shuts them off and dismisses Holographic Joe Piscopo too.

Data wonders if he should reprogram the audience to give a more accurate response to his jokes. Whoopi Goldberg stops him and tells him that making people laugh or being able to laugh "is not the end all and be all of being human." Data responds that she is correct "but there is nothing more uniquely human."

This scene confuses me because if Data is able to program a computer program to more accurately respond to human humor couldn't he just do the same thing to himself since he's a robot? PLOT HOLES! WE GOT 'EM!

Later on the bridge, after having resolved the situation between Han Solo and the two feuding planets and repaired his ship, the Enterprise releases the tractor beam and says their goodbyes to Han Solo. Wesley Crusher tells Data to, "Say goodbye Data," which leads to Data saying, "Goodbye Data." This causes the bridge to laugh because in the Next Generation people's senses of humor have atrophied.

Data continues to make shitty jokes ("Take my Worf...please!") leading Riker With Beard to beg to go to warp speed, though I'm not sure how that will help in this situation since Data will still be on the bridge telling terrible jokes. Picard, also annoyed by Data and of the mind that going to warp speed will stop the robot from telling awful, awful jokes, agrees with Riker With Beard to end the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Once again we didn't get all that much Riker With Beard this episode. He was pleased that Han Solo was a horndog which now makes me angry that there wasn't a spin-off series called Star Trek: Wingman where Riker With Beard and Han Solo travel to bars and nightclubs across the universe getting Rikered and picking up the hottest 1980s babes.

Final Thoughts
Hands down this is the horniest episode I've encountered since I began my scientific research into Star Trek fuckology. Han Solo fucked...a lot. Unfortunately the plot with Data attempting to learn comedy from Joe Piscopo sucked so bad I almost couldn't enjoy this super horny space adventure in which Han Solo fucks half the crew of the Enterprise.

As I've complained about several times in the past I absolutely HATE it when Star Trek: The Next Generation makes specific references to 20th century pop culture since it seems so out of place. Here at least they could make the excuse of Joe Piscopo being a hologram of a hacky 20th century comic but that doesn't make it any less obnoxious when he's reference Tip O'Neill and Jerry Lewis and shit.

According to stuff I've read on the internet about this episode, Joe Piscopo got to improvise many of his jokes and dialogue "including the Jerry Lewis impression,"[1] which makes me hate him even more than I previously did, but that is neither here nor there. This episode had a lot of fucking in it which is what this study is all about. It's my hope going forward that we get more Han Solo types fucking everyone on the Enterprise and fewer hack comics delivering terribly dated jokes on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Fuck Count
Our man Han Solo got his dick wet repeatedly! The only problem is it's not entirely clear precisely how many time he did so. He clearly fucked two different women over the course of the episode (Teri Hatcher's character and the random lady Worf caught him with) but there's a line of dialogue stating he was, "reported in three different crew quarters." What is unclear though is if these three quarters include the two women we saw him fucking with or are three other people in addition to the two we saw him with and if that is the case did he have success with them or strike out. There are a lot of unknowns, so since he's not a character we will ever see again I'm just give him two but make a note that he may have fucked one to three more people than than that.

Also even though the fact that they fucked is integral to the plot of the episode I am not counting Benzan and Yanar as having fucked since it happened outside of the auspices of this episode.

Han Solo: +2 (+1~3)
Teri Hatcher's Character: +1
Random Female Crew Member: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 4 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)