Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E06 - The Schizoid Man

It's been awhile since I've looked at a Star Trek thing. I got back into watching some other stuff and then my parents visited so I found myself lacking a ton of free time to watch old-ass extremely horny sci-fi shows. Today, however, we're continuing to explore Season 2 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, specifically episode 6, The Schizoid Man.

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't really remember this episode at all based on title alone or the brief one line episode summary so we're more or less going into this one with a clean slate. I'm a bit worried based on that one line episode summary that we aren't going to get much fucking though and since this is the Star Trek Fuck Report, that lack of fucking is going to be a major detriment.

Plot Synopsis
This episode begins unlike any other I've encountered up to this point: with Doctor Grandma droppin' a Medical Log. She informs us that some dude named Ira Graves is "the greatest human mind in the universe." He apparently lives on some remote planet and has dedicated himself to his research. A few hours earlier his assistant contacted the Enterprise requesting urgent medical assistance.

On the bridge Picard asks Worf if they've gotten any response from Gravesworld, which I guess is the planet Ira Graves lives on. Based on the fact that he got to name it Gravesworld must be way the fuck out in the sticks. When my grandparents retired, they too moved out to the middle of nowhere. They bought a bunch of land and built a house there and got some sort of access road that they were allowed to name. Like Graves they were lazy and just used their surname which is fun because in the years since they sold a lot of that land and there are other houses there now and that road still is named after my grandfather even though no one with that surname lives there anymore. Alls I know is if I get to name a road...or a planet out in the middle of nowhere, I'm going to do better than Surname Road or Surnameworld that's for damned sure.

Anyway, Worf tells him that there hasn't been any reply yet. Riker With Beard thinks this is bullshit since they asked for help and then turned off their cellphone or some shit. Picard asks Wesley how much longer before they arrive at the planet. Wesley informs him that it will be 36 more minutes, which is a very specific time of arrival.

Picard says that because Graves is a leading authority on molecular cybernetics Starfleet considers this medical mission a PRIORITY ONE ACTION! Doctor Grandma then drops some real terrible "why didn't this get punched up after the first draft" dialogue by stating, "A man is ill, Captain. Treating him is my priority one, regardless of who he is."

Meanwhile in a hallway, Troi and Geordi are walking. They are talkin' about Data. He's apparently been acting weird as fuck. Troi thinks that if Data weren't a robot she'd say that he was "showing signs of insecurity."

They enter Data's quarters. From the other room Data asks Geordi if Troi is with him. She is. Data tells them that he wants them to see him. They go into the room and there find DATA WITH BEARD! AW FUCK YEAH! IS THIS A THING THAT HAPPENS THIS SEASON? ARE WE GOING TO GET EVERY CHARACTER WITH A BEARD BEFORE THE END OF THE SEASON? I HOPE SO!

Geordi is a dick and asks the robot, "Did you damage your face, Data?"

Data informs him it's a bad-ass beard and asks for their opinions. Troi cannot handle this shit and starts laughing and then tells him, "I'm sorry. I have to go now. Goodbye." Data and all the beard fans watching at home are perplexed by why Troi was laughing about a beard.

After that good, good opening theme song, we check back in on the bridge. The crew gets another message from Gravesworld where a young woman pleads for someone to send a doctor but again the Enterprise is unable to send a response. The woman in the phone call seems scared but Worf says that the records indicate that only she and Dr. Graves are living on the planet.

Worf then gets another phone call, this one audio only. Apparently a nearby ship ferrying settlers has had an outer hull breach and is in a bad way. Doctor Grandma is like, "Those people are all fucked if we don't help them!"

Picard's like, "What about Graves?!"

Doctor Grandma rightly tells Picard that Graves is just one man and that the lives of man trump his individual life. Riker With Beard then suggests dropping out of warp speed for a moment and beaming a team down to deal with Graves and then heading off to save the settlers.

Picard's cool with this and tells Geordi to take care of the teleportation shit. He then tells Riker With Beard to get a team together for Doctor Grandma, but she says that since she's the chief medical officer she should oversee the larger medical emergency. Picard asks her for a replacement to go deal with Graves and Doctor Grandma recommends a Dr. Selar.

Riker With Beard then heads down to the teleportation chamber with Worf. There we see Dr. Selar, Troi and Data (who no longer has a beard). Worf joins them. I guess Riker With Beard is staying behind.

Riker tells Worf to set his phaser to stun since they don't know what the fuck is going down on Gravesworld. Geordi then tells them all that they're about to do a "near warp transport, so the effects may be a little unusual."

Troi wants to know what Geordi means, but no one tells her and they just teleports everyone down to Gravesworld. The Enterprise then blasts off to adventure.

Down on Gravesworld the away team arrives with seemingly no unusual effects, though Troi claims that she thought she was stuck in a wall for a moment. Apparently she was. Data calls the Enterprise and tells them that the away team has arrived at Graves' house and everything is quiet. Picard tells them to be careful.

The blonde lady from the space phone comes out of a room. She introduces herself as Kareen Brianon, and says that she is Ira Graves' assistant. She explains that she was worried about Graves' health but did want him to find out that she was calling for help and therefore never responded to the Enterprises' messages.

Graves comes out of a room and is a dick to everyone. Dr. Selar, who I think is a Vulcan or a Romulan or something asks about his symptoms and Kareen tells her that he has pain, shortness of breath, and irritability, but Graves is like, "BULLSHIT! I'M AS HEALTHY AS A RIGELIAN OX!"

Graves then tells Selar that he doesn't want her touching him because he doesn't like people and likes doctors even less. Troi is like "I thought most doctors were people," but Graves tells her that she's wrong but admits that for a doctor, Selar is "not a bad looking woman." He then flirts with Troi who is like, "I thought you didn't like people."

"Women aren't people. They're WOMEN!" replies a gross as fuck old man.

Graves then spies Data and is like "no aesthetic value whatsoever...looks like Soong's work."

Data tells him that he's right and then asks if Graves knew Dr. Soong. Graves replies that he taught Soong everything he knows and claims to be the father of his work which "kind of makes me your grandfather doesn't it sonny?"

He then yells at Selar who has been sneaking about scanning him while he's been ranting. He asks her to tell him what's wrong. Selar tells him that he has Darnay's disease. Kareen asks if there's anything she can do but Selar tells her that "In all cases Darnay's is terminal."

Back from break a Captain's Log gets dropped informing us that the Enterprise had saved the settlers and were now making haste back to Gravesworld.

Back on Gravesworld Graves is in Graves' laboratory whistling "If I Only Had a Heart." Fuck I hate when they do this shit on this stupid show. Data asks what the melody is. Graves (who insists Data call him "Grandpa") explains the Tin Man's character arch in The Wizard of Oz and how he wanted to be human and in the end learns he was a human being all along.

Data is all like, "Huzzah! A happy ending!" prompting Graves to be all emo. He's like "Stories have happy endings, it's life that sucks all kinds of ass! LIFE IS PAIN!" He says he feels sorry for Data's existence since he'll never what it truly means want or suffer. He'll just go through life existing.

Graves is then casually like, "Hey I know how to transfer my brain into a computer." He mocks Data for being unable to die some more which prompts Data to be like, "I have an off switch. That's pretty much like dying..."

Graves then wonders where Soong would have put such a switch. Data seems ready to randomly tell him even though back in that shitty Datalore episode he was very cautious about revealing that information to Dr. Beverly Crusher, someone he had known and worked with for a far greater period of time than he'd known Graves. Graves stops him though and says that he wants to guess where it is.

It is super clear what is about to happen and a moment later, just as the Enterprise arrives to pick them all up, Data emerges from the office to declare that Ira Graves is dead. I am poleaxed as fuck by how this went down. It seems that Graves would have had to turn Data off to transfer his brain into him and then turn him back on, but the process of transferring his brain seemed to kill him. So how did Data get turned back on because as we saw in Datalore it's legit a switch, not some voice command or thing that a random computer could be programmed to do. PLOT HOLE ALL UP IN THIS!

Back from commercials, Picard drops a Captain's Log about how bummed out he is that they were unable to save Ira Graves and his big brain and that their new number one priority is to drop his assistant off at some spacebase so she can get on with her life.

In the Picard's office, Riker With Beard and Picard are grilling Data about why he didn't get Dr. Selar when he saw that Graves was starting to die. Data's like, "Shrug. All things must pass," and then asks to leave. As he goes he is like "What about a funeral? It was his dying wish."

Picard is annoyed as fuck and is like, "For fucks sake man I said we would!"

Later in Ten Forward, Data meets with Kareen. They talk about stars and Data is like, "You always did love the sky," which is something he would have absolutely no way of knowing. Luckily for him Kareen is kind of dumb and is like, "Did Ira tell you that?"

Data then continues to do a shit job of concealing the fact that he's actually Graves by telling her that Graves wanted to take her on a one way trip to the bone zone. He reaches out to touch her but stops himself before he does. Kareen seems a bit confused by the exchange. Maybe she's not so dumb after all.

Later in the teleportation chamber the crew has a funeral for Graves who has been put in some sort of spacecase and is wearing a goofy looking chainmail hat. Picard gives a perfunctory eulogy and asks if anyone else has anything to add.

Data says that he does and delivers an overlong eulogy that heaps praise on Graves. By the time he has gotten to the point of declaring, "Those who knew him love him and those who did not know him loved him from afar," Picard has heard enough and tells Data they're done. Picard then commits "the body of Ira Graves to the timeless depths of space," (aka beams that spacecase out into the nothingness of space).

After the funeral, Picard talks to Data in his office telling him that maybe he's been "studying the human equation" too diligently and urges him to not try so hard to be human. "Just be yourself alright?" Picard tells him.

Data tells him that he will and Picard dismisses him. Data then leaves and begins whistling "If I Only Had a Heart," as he ogles a female crew member's ass and then gets in a TURBOLIFT!

Back from break we get another Captain's Log in which Picard declares, "Although Commander Data has assured me that his odd behavior will return to normal, I can't help thinking that something went wrong during his visit to Gravesworld." NO FUCKIN' DUH PICARD! Goddamn everyone is this episode is dumb as fuck...

Picard and Troi walk and talk about what's going on with Data. Picard wonders if the death of Graves might have impacted him "on some emotional level we didn't know he possessed." Troi hopes he's right.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Wesley tells Data that his speech was great but Data runs him down for having a "child-like mind." Wesley Crusher Boy Genius takes umbrage with this and Data continues to shit talk him. I like this new attitude if it means he's going to shit-talk Wesley Crusher.

Riker With Beard tries to put a stop to it but Data continues to be a smart ass leading Wesley Crusher to get a real hangdog look on his face and be like "Data, what's wrong with you?"

Picard and Troi then come onto the bridge along with Kareen. Picard is like, "I heard you like science so I put science in your science..." He offers to show her the computer terminal. Data gets jealous and starts making comments under his breath before bellowing how he knew that Picard wanted to fuck Kareen. Picard's like "THE FUCK?! Data come with me!"

Data heads off with Picard and Riker With Beard asks Troi what the shit just happened. She tells him that she detected intense feelings of the human emotion, jealousy, coming from Data. THE PLOT THICKENS! Or perhaps more precisely continues along at a snails pace since the characters on the show are attempting to catch up to the level of knowledge the viewers at home already possess. God does this fucking shit suck so much.

Elsewhere Data tells Picard that if he wants to apologize he's ready to listen. Picard is poleaxed by this. Data continues to be a d-bag to Picard who tells him that he's going to have Engineering examine Data to determine what's wrong with him. Data tells him that he can run a circuit check on himself to determine any abnormalities. Picard orders him to do so but after Data scans himself and declares himself to be fine Picard tells him, "For the first time since I've known you, I don't believe you."

Later in Engineering Geordi is using some weird laser lasso deal to scan Data who keeps moving around. Picard asks him to wait in the hall after the scans are complete but Data's a dick to him some more. Eventually Data leaves and Picard's like, "His insubordination is growing by leaps and bounds. I could use discipline, but I'd rather try and help him."

Geordi tells him that he can't find anything wrong with Data leading Troi to opine that they might be looking in the wrong place. "If Data's physical health is unimpaired, perhaps his mental health needs to be addressed," she says. She then asks Picard's permission to give him a psychiatric evaluation.

I guess Picard agrees because in the next scene we see Data hooked up to a Clockwork Orange machine that flashes a bunch of random ass images at him will super intense music builds to a crescendo. I half expected him to throw the TV or some shit but he just sits there as the music builds and then the scene ends.

In Picard's office Picard is talking to Data's best friend, Geordi. Geordi thinks that Data sometimes "wants to be human so badly he can taste it," and that when human qualities surface he sometimes gets confused. Troi then comes in and says that she has the results of Data's psych tests and that she ran the tests several times to make certain they were accurate.

There are two personalities residing in Data! Finally these idiots have figured out the shit even the dumbest viewer would have worked out back in Act II. She explains that the dominant personality (which I don't think she worked out to be Graves) is, "unstable. Brilliant but vain, sensitive yet paranoid." She believes it to be prone to irrationality and explains that it really hates Picard. She then explains that it seems to be growing in strength and that if they don't do something soon there will be nothing left of the Data they know.

After a commercial break, Picard reveals via Captain's Log that they have arrived at a spacebase to drop off Kareen. I guess I spoke too soon about the crew of dolts figuring out what happened since Picard is now declaring that he is, "greatly troubled by the unusual behaviour of Commander Data and fear that somehow it is directly related to the experiments of Ira Graves."

Picard and Troi are walking in the hall. He asks her where Data is and she tells him he should be in his quarters since that's where Picard ordered him to stay. Picard checks with Computer who informs him that Data is in Ten Forward.

Picard calls Worf and sends him to Ten Forward to keep an eye on Data but not to interfere with him unless Picard tells him to do so. Picard decides to figure out what the shit happened on Gravesworld and summons Dr. Selar to his office.

In Ten Forward, Data greets Kareen and is like, "You know who I am." She figures out that he's Graves and asks how it's possible. He explains that he turned Data off and transferred his mind into Data's body and then expresses surprise over how much of himself he was able to retain. Kareen tells him that they (the crew of the Enterprise) will try to stop him but he tells them they can't.

Back in Picard's office he asks Selar about Data's interactions with Graves. She says that they were alone together almost the entire time. Picard then asks what her impression of Graves was. She says that he seemed intelligent but was also a massive asshole. Picard FINAL figures out what the fuck happened...

Back in Ten Forward, Data or Graves or whoever he is at this point, tells Kareen about how much being a robot rules. He's stoked that he'll live for a thousand years and promises to make an android body for her too so they can "witness the end of time together."

Kareen is not a fan of this plan and starts crying. He tells her that now that he's a robot he can love her like he always wanted to since he's not too old for her any more. Kareen yells at him that she won't let him put her in a robot body because she wants to live her life. She then tells Graves/Data that he is hurting her and we see that he's crushed the fuck out of her hand.

Data flees and Worf calls Picard and tells him that Data left Ten Forward. He asks if he should follow but Picard tells him that he'll handle the situation himself. Picard then tells Troi that he thinks Graves might have succeeded in bridging the gap the gap between man and machine and then declares "I may be forced to tear it down."

Picard finds Graves/Data in engineering and discovers some knocked out crew members including Geordi up on the catwalk. Picard yells at him and tells him that he had no right to take over Data's body. Graves tells him that he had every right to take over Data's body since Data was just a machine.

Graves/Data tells Picard that he's lucky that he's not a violent man which Picard's like, "The fuck you on about mate? Look at this sea of carnage!"

Graves/Data is like, "This is not my fault! They told me I was not supposed to be up here. They should not have done that!"

Picard tells Graves that he has gone to far and needs to terminate the experiment. He then calls Sickbay and asks how Kareen is. Doctor Grandma tells him that her hand is broken in two places. Picard tells her that there are two more injured in engineering.

Picard continues to be like, "GIVE DATA BACK!" He argues that Data is unique and thus must allowed to live. Graves/Data yells, "NO!" at him and then backfists him, knocking him the fuck out! Graves is then like, "Oh fuck what did I do? How many more accidents?"

Some time later, Picard gets revived. He has the computer tell him where Data is and then heads to Data's quarters with Geordi, Kareen and Doctor Grandma. They find him knocked the fuck out on the floor. Geordi cautiously rouses Data. Data immediately does some annoying Data shit to confirm that he is back to his old self. Kareen then points out that Graves put his brain inside the computer.

We get one final Captain's Log dropped where Picard tells us that they dropped off Kareen somewhere and that he hopes she has a bright future. He then tells us that, "the intellect of Ira Graves has been deposited into our computer. There is knowledge but no consciousness. The human equation has been lost."

Back on the bridge Data tells Wesley that he doesn't remember anything about what happened and after Wesley badly recites bits of Data's eulogy, Data declares that perhaps it is for the best that he doesn't remember anything before adding that he trusts that he "did nothing unbecoming to a Starfleet officer."

Riker With Beard asks him "Does wrestling with a Klingon targ ring a bell?"

Picard has had enough of this shit and tells Wesley to get the fuck out of wherever they are and as the Enterprise fucks off to further adventure, Data asks, "Did I win?"

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
The final scene where Riker With Beard busts Data's balls about wrestling a targ makes me think he was drunk as fuck, but there's another part of me that's not so certain he actually was mocking Data's lack of memory. The episode was so disjointed that there's a part of me that though that this line was like that line of dialogue in Goonies where a different Data declares "The octopus was very scary!" in spite there being a grand total of zero (0) octopuses in the final cut of the movie. Was this a residual bit of dialogue referencing a scene where Data did wrestle a Klingon targ that got left on the cutting room floor? This speculation is far more interesting than anything else that happened in this shit-bad episode.

Final Thoughts
What a shit episode. For some reason this episode was far more annoying than any other episode I've encountered up to this point. The storyline was uninspired, extremely predictable, and ultimately never went anywhere. Moreover, no one in the crew did anything to resolve the problem at hand other then get knocked the fuck out and Ira Graves' decision to do the right thing came from out of nowhere. Bad episode, everyone's fault.

I guess if there was a gun to my head and someone ordered me to say something good about the sixth episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation's much maligned second season, it would be that Dr. Selar was a pretty decent character and far better looking than Doctor Grandma.

Fuck Count
Some overt horniness from Ira Graves (and Data while possessed by Ira Graves) but no one sealed the deal.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)