Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E07 - Unnatural Selection

Time to check out another ALL ACTION episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I kid. I kid. This is an Doctor Grandma-centric episode so even though this is the Star Trek Fuck Report I hope there is absolutely no action.

Preexisting Prejudices
I vaguely remember this episode being about Doctor Grandma transforming into Doctor Great-Grandma and it not being particularly good but it's been years since I saw it so I could be wrong. I don't think there's any fuckin' in it though which is probably for the best since this is an episode about Doctor Grandma.

Plot Synopsis
We start things off as we generally do with a big ol' Captain's Log. Picard tells us that they are headed to some kind of space base to rendezvous with a medical ship or some shit. The presence of the Enterprise is apparently "imperative," and Picard hopes that the mission will give him a chance to "assess the performance of our new Chief Medical Officer." Now I don't know how much time passes between episodes (this is after all the Star Trek Fuck Report not the Star Trek Chronological Report) but we're seven episodes in. She's hardly new at this point.

Meanwhile in Picard's office Troi enters on his request. He asks her about Doctor Grandma. She tells him that she's "never met a more dedicated physician," which feels like a sly diss on Dr. Beverly Crusher but whatever. Picard is like, "Could the fact that she is dedicated to doing a good job at her job maybe make her do a bad job at her job?" I don't think Picard likes her very much.

Troi's like, "That's a pretty ridiculous question you just asked," but their conversation is interrupted by Data phoning Picard and telling him that they are picking up a faint distress signal.

Picard tells him to respond and then heads out to the bridge to deal with the developing situation. Data tells him that the distress signal was a "voice only transmission" from a Federation supply ship known as the Lantree.

Picard hails the ship and asks them what the nature of their emergency is. Someone on the Lantree moans, "...Can't hold out any more. People dying. Too many to help." The message then cuts off and Data says, "We are still receiving their signal, Captain, but there is no message." CREEP SHIT TO KICK SHIT OFF THIS EPISODE! AW YE YE!

After that good, good opening theme music we check back in on the bridge where Picard is still trying to raise the Lantree on the space phone. He has Data pinpoint where the ship is located and then has the Enterprise haul ass to intercept it when they still don't respond.

Awhile later they arrive at the Lantree. They open hailing frequencies again but still get no reply. Data and Troi both inform him that they don't detect any life on the ship. Riker With Beard asks if there are any other ships nearby, but Wesley tells him that there are not and Worf adds that there are no signs of battle damage on the ship. Data tells Picard that all the systems appear to be in perfect order.

Worf suggests boarding the ship to investigate, but Riker With Beard's like "Yo mang, we could gain control of the Lantree's systems remotely and activate their space phone and scope the bridge before we send an away team into harm's way."

Picard thinks this idea is splendid and goes into his office to input secret passwords to gain control of another space ship. He then heads back out to the bridge and is informed that they now have control of the Lantree's systems. They shut the engines down and then turn on the space phone to get a look at the bridge and what they find chills them to the bone.

A BUNCH OF OLD-ASS DEAD PEOPLE!!!

Riker With Beard declares that it looks like the bridge crew "had a battle with time," and Worf helpfully says what we're all thinking and adds, "And lost."

Doctor Grandma then informs everyone that the crew of the Lantree's everything was fucked determining that they died of natural causes. Picard is completely poleaxed by this, "NATURAL CAUSES?! WHAT IN NATURE COULD CAUSE THAT?!"

She merely replies that, "For the record, Captain, they died of old age," which doesn't really answer the question Picard was asking.

Later in the conference room the crew is discussing what happened on the Lantree. Riker With Beard informs them that they have downloaded the Lantree's log. They play back the final entry. The Captain of Lantree explains that over the last few hours he's watched "friends grow old and die," and that it is now happening to him as well.

Riker With Beard informs them that the Captain of the Lantree was the same age as him.

Picard asks Doctor Grandma for her take on the situation. She tells him that the medical records reveal that everyone got examined at the start of their duty cycle eight weeks earlier and the only other entry in the medical log was the First Officer getting "treated for Thelusian flu five days ago." She explains that it's a bit exotic but otherwise completely harmless virus that could not have possibly caused something like this to take place.

Riker With Beard then tells the crew that the last port of call for the Lantree was the Darwin Genetic Research Station on Gagarin IV. Since whatever happened could either have come from Gagarin IV or been something they transmitted to the people there they decide to head there to warn them of the danger they are in and/or get some answers as to what happened to the Lantree.

Before they leave though, they quarantine the Lantree and activate its marker beacons so they can find the ship again later. With the quarantine warning blaring on all frequencies the Enterprise heads off to Gagarin IV.

We get another Captain's Log where Picard explains that he is apprehensive about the possible link between what happened on the Lantree and a random-ass genetic research facility.

They Enterprise arrives at Gagarin IV and opens hailing frequencies with Darwin Station. A middle aged woman appears on the big space phone TV. She says that her name is Doctor Kingsley and that she needs the Enterprise's help on account of just having declared a medical emergency.

Doctor Grandma asks about the nature of the emergency and after Doctor Kingsley asks who she is and then proceeds to fangirl the fuck out over talking to Doctor Grandma she explains that people are suddenly getting old as fuck after a sudden acute arthritic inflammation. She then explains that even though she is middle aged as shit, she just celebrated her 35th birthday a week earlier.

Doctor Grandma asks if there could be a link between the old age plague and the research being conducted at Darwin Station but Kingsley explains that they only deal with human genetics so it isn't likely something got away from them. She thinks that a cargo ship that visited three days earlier might be responsible.

Picard tells her that if she's talking about the Lantree, they encountered it a few days earlier and everyone was dead. She asks him if they were able to establish a pathology which pisses Picard off, "DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?! ALL TWENTY-SIX MEN AND WOMEN ABOARD THAT SHIP WERE DEAD!!"

She tells him that "the prognosis is alarming," but her immediate concern is the children they have at Darwin Station. She explains that they represent years of advanced genetic research and tells Picard that the children must be evacuated as soon as possible.

Picard's like "Fuck that noise! I'm imposing a full quarantine on Darwin Station."

Kingsley pleads with Picard insisting that the children were put in protective isolation as soon as the old-age plague was detected and that none of them show any symptoms of the disease. Picard tells her that his hands are tied and that they are going to consider other possibilities and suggests she does the same.

Back in the conference room, Worf and Riker With Beard advise against contacting Darwin Station. Doctor Grandma wants to bring one of the children aboard within a force field for a complete examination to determine if they are as disease-free as Doctor Kingsley suggests they are.

Troi tells Picard that Doctor Kingsley sincerely believes that the children are not a danger but adds that she seems to be hiding something. She therefore recommends caution.

Picard decides to err on the side of caution since they only have Doctor Kingsley's word to go on and have seen the effects of the disease first hand. Doctor Grandma then suggests beaming one child up in "styrolite in suspended animation," so she can scan the child for any signs of disease without putting the crew of the Enterprise at risk.

Picard tells her to proceed with the examination but that he needs positive proof that the children are completely harmless before putting any of the Enterprise crew in harm's way.

Later in a science lab, Geordi's got a force field up and running while down in the transporter room O'Brien (who is finally given a name) tells Picard that he's nearly ready and is just making some final adjustments to assure that the styrolite materializes a couple of "micro-seconds" ahead of the child so that no one accidentally gets old age plague.

O'Brien gets everything ready and the Enterprise then calls down to Kingsley who tells them she has a twelve year old male in styrolite ready to get beamed up. They engaged the teleporter and a moment later a dude in his twenties  who is wearing naught but his drawers and some weird plastic wrap appears on the science table.

Worf channels his inner Admiral Ackbar and screams about it being a trap. Geordi tries to reverse teleportation, but Picard is like, "Cool out dudes, whoever he is he is still in stasis." Doctor Grandma adds that the styrolite is still intact and so they power down the force field.

Troi tells Picard that she detects a personality from the child because he's a goddamn telepath. Okay. I guess that's happening now. Doctor Grandma is surprise that this underpants man-hunk is still a child and speculates that they "could be looking at the future of humanity."

"At least Doctor Kingsley's horny-ass vision of the future..." deadpans Picard.

After some examinations on the man-hunk wrapped in plastic, Doctor Grandma has determined the boy's immune system to be so advanced that "it may not be possible for him to contract disease." She wants to free him from the plastic wrap to do some more tests but Picard is still not willing to put the crew of the Enterprise at risk.

Doctor Grandma suggests a force field but Picard is like, "What if we lose the force field? We'll all be fucked!"

She tries to appeal to Picard's compassion but if she'd watched that season 1 episode about drug addiction she'd know that Picard gives few fucks about people outside of the bridge crew. He tells her that if she can prove that the children pose no risk he is more than willing to help but until then no dice. He also scolds her for constantly interrupting him when he's talking.

Later we check in on the hallway for some walkin' and talkin' with Doctore Grandma and Troi. Doctor Grandma asks for some help in dealing with Picard saying that her arguments don't have any affect on him and that "he has such a consuming dedication to his ship, he doesn't seem able to step back and see the human side of the equation."

Troi laughs at her and tells her "I don't think he'd be where he is if he couldn't see the human side of the equation," before accusing Doctor Grandma and Picard of having very similar personalities.

TIME OUT FOR AN OFF TOPIC RANT!

I really hate when this show reduces emotional shit and feelings to "an equation." They do it a  TON with Data and it always bugs me but here it bugs me even more because Troi's also using it. It's one thing for HARD SCIENCE SCI-FI characters to speak in such a cold, detached fashion, but Troi's entire shtick is touchy-feelie sci-fi social worker shit. You'd expect her to use more human-centric verbiage but alas. In close I hate the concept of "the human equation," and hate it all the more when the most touchy-feelie character willingly uses the phrase.

BACK TO THE PLOT SYNOPSIS!

We check in at Doctor Grandma's office. She calls Doctor Kingsley to tell her that it's too risky to bring the children onto the Enterprise and until they are 100% there are no risks they cannot bring them onto the ship. Kingsley yells at her that they are running out of time and begs Doctor Grandma to help so Doctor Grandma tells her that she'll get back to her.

Down in Engineering, Doctor Grandma asks Geordi for help in finding an isolated system where she can run more tests to make sure the children are safe. Geordi's like "the only truly independent environment would be something like a shuttlecraft."

Doctor Grandma is AMPED AS FUCK over this idea and rushes off to tell Picard about it. Picard tells her that she can us a shuttle but asks, "What about you?" She tells him that she is prepared to take the risk. He tells her that she has a responsibility to the Enterprise but she tells him she also has a responsibility to humanity.

Down in the shuttlebay, Data arrives. Doctor Grandma is like, "You know how to pilot a shuttlecraft right?" Of course he does. He pilots the shuttle a few hundred meters out from the Enterprise and holds position.

Once they are in position, the man-hunk boychild is beamed aboard the shuttle. Why they didn't just wheel him onto the ship when they left, I cannot say since it was well established that the plastic wrap was containing whatever plague may or may not have existed within him.

After the man-hunk boychild appears on the shuttle Doctor Grandma removes his plastic wrap. He looks at Doctor Grandma and she's all like, "OH SHIT I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU!" Data's like "The shit are you on about Doctor Grandma that man-hunk has not said anything."

"Oh yes he has. Troi's right. He's telepathic," replies Doctor Grandma.

Back on the bridge, Picard checks the clock. Doctor Grandma has been in direct contact with the man-hunk boychild for EXACTLY 18 minutes.

Over on the shuttlecraft Data is examining Doctor Grandma. He tells her that "all systems are functioning within normal specifications." She thanks him but tells him that his "bedside manner needs work." Data Datas about the phrase "bedside manner" but before she can explain it to him she's all like, "YAAAAARGH!" and drops some space science medical device.

Picard's like, "THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!"

She explains that she now totally has arthritis which is the first symptom of the disease. She then explains that the boy has to be returned to Darwin Station since the children are the carriers of the old age plague.

Picard has O'Brien beam the boy off the shuttle and back to Darwin lab. As he fades from the shuttle Doctor Grandma tells him that it wasn't his fault. Is this entire shitty episode a late 80s very special allegory about the AIDS epidemic? I don't know why this scene suddenly brought that thought to my mind but it did.

Doctor Grandma tells Picard that she's  not going to make herself an exception to the quarantine and hangs up the space phone. Data then asks her if they should just head down to Darwin Station. She's like "Why not? We're already under quarantine."

Meanwhile in the conference room, the staff of the Enterprise discuss how to get Doctor Grandma and Data back safely. Troi's like "Let's just beam them up. Data's probably immune on account of being a robot and all and the teleporter's biofilter will probably just filter out whatever plague Doctor Grandma's got."

O'Brien, who is really coming into his own this episode, is like, "The fuck are you on about? We beamed that kid twice and he still had plague."

They then determine to do some wonky shit with the "transporter trace" in order to reconstitute Doctor Grandma without the plague she's got. Basically they want to use an older save file of Doctor Grandma to undo the fuck-up. There's only one problem though...DOCTOR GRANDMA'S NEVER USED THE TELEPORTATION CHAMBER ON THE ENTERPRISE!

I checked over all my notes from the episodes she has appeared in and this is, at least based on the stuff shown on television, true. She has not once beamed onto or off of the Enterprise. Picard tells the bridge to contact the ship she served on prior to the Enterprise and see if they have the transporter trace for Doctor Grandma on file still.

Down on Darwin Station, Kingsley's like, "Sorry we fucked up and now you're old as fuck...both of you."

Doctor Grandma's like, "Don't worry about Data, he's a robot. He can't get sick and me? I chose to do this. I was convinced the children were safe."

Kingsley still cannot believe that one of her children was the cause of the plague since they were designed to resist disease. She then shows Doctor Grandma and Data the "children" all of who are muscle-hunks and 80s beach-babes. Kingsley explains that the oldest muscle-hunks and 80s beach-babes are 12 and all are telekinetic.

Doctor Grandma doesn't care about that shit though. She wants to know about their immune systems. Kingsley explains that they have "aggressive immunity," that would actively seek out an airborne virus and destroy it, even at a distance. Doctor Grandma asks how and Kingsley explains that it would alter the genetic code of the virus.

Doctor Grandma then asks Data to crunch some numbers about the interaction between the flu and the children on the molecular level.

Back on the Enterprise Picard asks the Captain of Doctor Grandma's previous ship assignment if he has a copy of her save file. He says he deleted it already after she transferred to the Enterprise, not that there was much of a file anyway. He tells Picard that Doctor Grandma preferred using shuttles and that he would have given her one if it would have kept her on his ship. He then tells Picard that when she heard there was an opening on the Enterprise she put in a request for transfer because she wanted to serve under Picard.

Back at Darwin Station, Data has seemingly determined the cause of the disease. He explains that when the children came into contact with the Thelusian flu their immune system attacked it, altering the virus' genetic code, but it didn't stop there and began altering the genetic code of normal humans. Doctor Grandma then get hit by the truth, realizing that because human DNA is self replicating the process is irreversible and that anyone who has been infected becomes a carrier.

On the bridge, Picard phones down to a rapidly aging Doctor Grandma. She plot dumps the plot data just dumped on viewers a moment earlier and further explains that the specific genes their antibodies altered were the ones responsible for aging. Picard asks why she seems to be aging more quickly than Doctor Kingsley.

"The enclosed environment of the shuttlecraft concentrated my exposure," she explains before telling him that the children will survive all this bullshit but everyone else on Darwin Station is nearly out of time. He offers to beam them up in suspended animation like they did with the muscle-hunk boychild to buy themselves some more time, but she turns him down.

She then delivers her final Chief Medical Officer's Log explaining the disease and declaring that "an attempt to control human evolution has resulted in a new species that's lethal to its predecessors." She says that the children will be condemned to live their lives in isolation and "quarantine of the Darwin Station must be maintained...FOREVER!!!!"

After a commercial break we check back in at Darwin Station where Doctor Grandma is now old as fuck. Data apologizes for not being able to help her more. She tells him that he did everything he could and tells him that as far as androids go he's in a class by himself. She asks him to give her best to Picard and the Data gets beamed back onto the Enterprise.

Back on the bridge Troi's like "Doctor Grandma know what she was doing."

Picard says that he wishes he was certain they'd tried everything. He then goes down to the teleportation chamber to meet Data as he arrives.

Down in the teleportation chamber Data appears to be completely free of life. Picard asks him if they were able to reverse the changes to Doctor Grandma's DNA would it also reverse the effects of the disease. Data says that it's not possible but if it were possible to change her DNA back then it would reverse the effects.

Picard then asks O'Brien what if they were to use Doctor Grandma's DNA...some blood or something...instead of her transportation trace to filter out the wonky DNA shit. O'Brien says that he'd have to rejigger some HARD SCIENCE SCI-FI DEVICES to do it but it would overload MORE HARD SCIENCE SCI-FI DEVICES without doing things to OTHER HARD SCIENCE SCI-FI DEVICES.

Picard asks if he can do it. O'Brien says he thinks he can. "MAKE IT SO!" orders Picard.

"You heard what the man said! Let's get those panels off me boyos!" exclaims O'Brien.

Elsewhere, Riker With Beard and Data are scouring the records in the lab looking for a sample of Doctor Grandma's DNA. Data tells him that her records were sent by way of Starfleet headquarters and thus have no caught up with them yet. I guess internet access in the far reaches of space get a bit sketchy. They decide to go check her quarters instead.

In Doctor Grandma's quarters, noted horn-dog Riker With Beard goes straight to her underwear drawer. They find a hairbrush her for some reason because who doesn't keep a hairbrush in with their bras and panties. Data pulls a hair from the brush which still has a follicle attached. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

Picard phones down to Darwin station and tells the now decrepit Doctor Grandma that they might have a solution. He explains the DNA filter bullshit to her and Doctor Grandma says that if it works they could use it to save the others at Darwin Station. He warns her that what they were about to do had never been attempted before and Doctor Grandma cracks wise about how she'll have a "much better understanding of geriatrics," provided she survives.

A short while later in the teleportation chamber, Geordi, Data, O'Brien and an anonymous goon in a yellow jumpsuit are making the final modifications. Picard asks if they are ready and O'Brien tells him they nearly are but warns him that if it doesn't work they won't be able to beam Doctor Grandma back to the planet.

Picard the offers to control the teleporter himself. When I was watching this I assumed it was because he didn't want anyone else in the crew to risk getting sick and was therefore confused when everyone else stayed in the room with him, but later say a script that included a line of dialogue I must not have heard, "If she's going to be consigned to oblivion then..." Picard was offering to kill Doctor Grandma so O'Brien didn't have that shit on his conscious. Talk about a Captain who really has a good grasp on THE HUMAN EQUATION!

They start to beam over Doctor Grandma and at first she's still old as fuck but eventually she just becomes her normal grandma age. She and Picard hug and the assembled crew in the teleportation chamber welcome her back.

Out in the hallway we get some walkin' and talkin' with Doctor Grandma and Picard. She asks him what would have happened if this zany scheme hadn't worked and he tells her that he would have had to teleport her out into the vast nothingness of space.

"And spread my atoms across the galaxy?"

"Yes."

She then says that every time she uses one she's worried that's what's going to happen anyway.

We then get Doctor Grandma dropping a medical log. She explains that all the adults at Darwin Station were healed via that one weird teleportation trick doctors don't want you to know about. She explains that they will stay on Gagarin IV and "continue their research in hopes of one day rejoining their children."

She goes on to rant about how "no experiment is a failure" and even mistakes can give scientists a better understanding of the thing they are exploring before saying that "all achievement has a price," and that in this instance the men and women of the Lantree paid for this understanding with their lives. She notes their sacrifice in her medical log.

While she was doing some voice-over work, dictating her medical log, the Enterprise returned to the Lantree. Everyone on the bridge stands up and after a moment of silence they blow the ship up with photon torpedoes. Picard salutes the explosion and then a moment later has Wesley Crusher haul ass to the random-ass space base mentioned in the Captain's Log during the cold open.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Dude seemed pretty on the ball in the few scenes he was present in but this was unfortunately another Riker With Beard Lite episode of TNG. Though now that I think about it, Riker With Beard made a beeline for the panty drawer when looking for Doctor Grandma's DNA...so maybe drunk as fuck!

Final Thoughts
I hope they never again use some kind of plague (fuck or otherwise) as a plot hook since here in this very episode they went and cured every disease that exists or could ever exist. I think they might also be able to use this same technology to de-age people and possibly even bring people back from the dead which seems like a pretty huge medical breakthrough. I hope that O'Brien gets whatever the Next Generation equivalent of the Nobel Prize in Medicine is for figuring out how to use a teleporter to CURE EVERY GODDAMN DISEASE.

Anyway, this episode sucked a lot, and not just because of the ludicrous solution to the Problem of the Week. It seemed like they crammed way too much shit into the episode that they never bother explaining. Like what purpose did having "the children" be telepathic serve to the story? Or the fact that they were young adults even through they were ten years old or whatever? Due to the nature of the show the fact that they made a big deal about that one kid being telepathic seemed like it was important but ultimately it ended up just being a thing that killed a couple minutes of TV time.

None of that actually matters though, what is truly important is the fact that this episode was nominated for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Hairstyling for a Series at the 41st Primetime Emmy Awards. It lost to Quantum Leap.

Fuck Count
As this was an episode about Doctor Grandma becoming Doctor Great-Grandma while interacting with twelve year olds who looked like 1980s Venice Beach musclefucks it's probably for the best that there was not even any base level horniness in this episode.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)