Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E09 - The Measure of a Man

It's been awhile since I've entered the lab an continued my ongoing studies in the exciting field of Star Trek fuckology. Partly this is due to the season. As I am sure everyone is well aware it was recently Christmas which for me means if a show doesn't have a Christmas episode I'm not watching it, so instead of Star Trek: The Next Generation I was watching holiday specials of yore and Gremlins and things of that nature and in a similar vein, in days that follow between Christmas and New Years I ended up watching way too many terrible kung fu movies as is something of a tradition for me for reasons I can't entirely explain.

More than any of this however, is the fact that over the past couple months I've been exceedingly busy with real life commitments that have left me with little time to work on this project which is, if we are being completely honest, merely a hobby. Things look a bit better in that regard for the early part of 2020 so there should be a bit of a return to regular updates going forward, but enough about that, let's talk about Star Trek and fucking!

Today we're diving back into Season 2 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, specifically episode 9, The Measure of a Man, which first aired on February 13, 1989. In a 2012 Entertainment Weekly article about the release of an extended cut of this particular episode, Adam B. Vary writes of it, "It is well-established Trek gospel that the first truly great episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation is “The Measure of a Man” from season two [1]," but what is not yet well-established Trek gospel is whether or not this episode is the first truly horny episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation which is why I'm here doing the Lord's work and tallying up all the times characters on a 30 year old sci-fi show fucked. So let's get down to it.

Preexisting Prejudices
As mentioned in the quote from Entertainment Weekly above, this episode is widely considered to be the first episode that did suck 90,000,231 kinds of ass and I am not a dissenting voice on this matter. I remember this episode quite well and am of the mind that this is, indeed, one of the early examples of Star Trek: The Next Generation getting it right. Overall it's a good episode of a TV show.

Plot Synopsis
The Enterprise is haulin' ass towards some kind of space base somewhere in space. Picard informs us via Captain's log that they are here to drop of some science chunks and to do crew rotation, which of course will not affect any of the principle characters.

Meanwhile in a gambling den, we see Data wearing a dumb old timey dealer's visor, O'Brien, Riker With Beard, Doctor Grandma, and Geordi sitting down for a good old fashioned game of chance. Riker With Beard informs us that the specific game of chance they are playing is five card stud.
Data says that the game is simple due to the limited number of possible combinations of cards but Geordi tells him that there's more to the game that just the cards and after O'Brien randomly bellows, "TIME TO PLUCK A PIGEON!" the game gets underway.

They do random betting saying things like, "I bet ten!" Ten what assholes? As I bring up every single time they bring up gambling, what the fuck are they betting with? They live in a post-scarcity society. They don't have money.

Anyway they bet and bet and people are callin' and foldin' left and right until it's down to just Data and Riker With Beard. Ultimately Data folds and Riker reveals that he had a handful of garbage. Data is shocked by this and tells Riker With Beard that, "It makes very little sense to bet when you cannot win."

"But I did win," replies Riker With Beard with a smuggler's grin.

Elsewhere Picard is lounging in a lounge drinking a coffee when he sees some lady he addresses as Phillipa Louvois. She's dressed in a Star Trek uniform and is apparently someone Picard has a history with. He asks her if she knows what he'd like to do if there weren't so many people around.

"Bust a chair across my teeth?" asks Phillipa.

"After that," replies Picard leading Phillipa to declare, "Ain't love wonderful!"

Oh great, that stupid "coworkers who hate each other but also fuck all the time" sitcom trope. I guess it's good here since it might get Picard on the fuck tally leaderboard, but other than that does this trope have any basis in reality? I've hated a lot of coworkers and never fucked any of them. Am I an outlier or is this trope complete and utter bullshit? Dear friends, have any of you fucked a coworker you absolutely loathed?

After that good, good opening theme song we check back in at the lounge where Picard is now lounging with Phillipa. She's apparently in charge of the Twenty-Third Sector JAG office which is brand new. Picard expresses surprise that she returned to Star Fleet and opines that she had no reason to leave in the first place.

Phillipa claims that she was forced out but Picard tells her it was due to her "own damn stubborn pride." She then talks about prosecuting Picard during his court martial for the Stargazer incident. WE GOT OURSELVES A CALLBACK! Phillipa tells him that she was only doing her job but Picard insists that she enjoyed prosecuting him.

She denies this and tells him that a court martial is the standard procedure for when a ship is lost and that she was merely doing her job, but again Picard thinks she "enjoyed the adversarial process more than arriving at the truth."

She tells him that she is glad to see him again saying, "It brings a sense of order and stability to my universe to know that you're still a pompous ass...and a damn sexy man!"

An Asian dude dressed in the attire of an admiral comes in and is looking for Picard. He seems surprised to see Phillipa with him and asks if she knows him. She says that they are old friends and then takes her leave, telling Picard that he can buy her dinner sometime. Again, they live in a post-scarcity society, what is he paying for and with what?

The Admiral introduces a man of science named Bruce and tells Picard that Commander Bruce has an interesting proposal for Picard, but that shit can wait because the Admiral wants to geek out over how kickass the Enterprise is and wants a tour.

Sometime later on Picard brings the Admiral and Commander Bruce onto the bridge of the ship. The Admiral talks about have for five hundred years EVERY ship that has been named Enterprise has been legendary. "This one is no different." Pretty grandiose words from Admiral Asian guy.

Commander Bruce is eyeballing Data something fierce the entire time and as the Admiral carries on about how fucking baller the Enterprise is, Bruce interrupts to remind him of the interesting proposal they were there to talk about. The Admiral's like, "Oh yeah that's right! Bruce is here to work on your android. I'm out of here. Smell ya later!" and then fucks off.

Bruce greets Data with some familiarity and Picard asks if they know each other. Bruce tells Picard that he, "evaluated Data when it first applied to the Academy." Data adds that Bruce, "was the sole member of the committee to oppose my entrance on the grounds that I was not a sentient being."
Picard wants to know what the "work" will entail and Bruce informs him that he is going to disassemble Data. DUN! DUN! DAAAAAAH!

Later in the conference room, Picard, Riker With Beard, and Data are drilling Bruce for more information about what exactly he wants to do. He explains that as a student of Dr. Soong he believes that he is very close to a breakthrough that will allow him to duplicate Soong's work and create more Datas and therefore needs to disassemble Data and "study it," in order to determine how Soong was able to overcome certain challenges when designing Data's poitronic brain.

Bruce more or less ignores Data and directs all his comments to Picard and Riker With Beard so Picard asks Data for his thoughts on the matter. Data says that though the idea is intriguing, but after asking Bruce about how he plans to go about this entire thing ultimately tells Picard, "Captain, I believe his basic research lacks the specifics necessary to support an experiment of this magnitude."

Picard tells Bruce that Data is a valued member of his crew and based on the half-assed plan Bruce has laid out Picard cannot in good conscious allow Data to submit himself to the experiment.
Bruce replies that he was afraid that something like this might happen and presents Picard with what looks to be a USB drive. Apparently they are transfer orders that reassign Data from the Enterprise to the space base where Data will be under his command. He tells Data, "I will see you in my office tomorrow at zero nine hundred hours," as the music swells and we head to commercials.

Back from break, Data enters Picard's office. Picard tells him that they have a problem. Data agrees. Picard tells him that his service has been exemplary and that he doesn't want to lose him. Data tells Picard that he will not submit to the procedure.

Picard tells him that he understands Data's objections but thinks Data needs to "consider Starfleet's interests." He goes on to say that if Bruce is correct, more beings like Data could be constructed.

Data tells him that Geordi's eyes are superior to normal human eyes so shouldn't all human officers be "required to have their eyes replaced with cybernetic implants?" Picard cannot bring himself to look at Data who is like, "I see. It is precisely because I am not human."

Picard tells him that's enough and Data leaves. Picard then tells Computer to pull up all information regarding Starfleet regulations on transferring officers.

Later Picard visits the JAG Office. He tells Phillipa that he needs her help. He explains that Data is being transferred to the space base in order to be forced to take part in a "dangerous and ill-conceived experiment," and Picard wants it stopped. She tells him that Data can refuse to take part in the experiment but there's nothing that can be done to stop the transfer.

Picard tells her that he's worried that once Bruce has Data under his command anything could happen. Phillipa mocks him for getting so passionate about a machine before suggesting that if Data is so concerned about this procedure he could resign from his post.

Picard is not pleased by this and he goes to storm off but Phillipa is horny and tries to sweet talk him by saying she's glad that he felt he could "well...come to me." Picard mocks her for being unable to say the word trust and says, "Good try! Nine out of ten for effort!" I like this catty version of Picard.

Meanwhile in Data's quarters, Data is packing all his worldly possessions into a tiny ditty bag. These possessions include a tiny hologram of Tasha Yar, a collection of medals and a book. Data wanders off to another part of his lair and Bruce randomly just walks in and starts looking through Data's things.

Bruce starts reading aloud from Data's book. It's some poetry shit. Bruce asks Data if it's just words, words, words or if he is able to comprehend its deeper meaning. Data is just like, "The fuck mang? Aren't people supposed to knock before coming into someone's home?"

Bruce again tries to convince him to go along with his half-baked plan of downloading Data's brain into a computer. Data tells him that while he might be able to download the knowledge and raw data from his brain he worries that in doing so "the substance, the flavor of the moment could be lost." He then goes on a jag about the lessons he gleaned from the poker game in the cold open and how he knew all the rules to the game but once he started playing he discovered there was much more to the game than just want appeared in rule books.

Bruce is a total d-bag and wants to know what the point is and so Data tells him, "Straight up dude I don't think you're good enough to preserve my memories as they are."

Bruce continues to be a dick and informs Data that he wanted to do this together but one way or another is going to do through the procedure since Data's under his command. Data tells him that's he's incorrect and that he is no longer under anyone's command on account of resigning from Starfleet.

Bruce tells him that he can't. Data says that he regrets the decision but because he is something unique in the universe...the culmination of one man's dream he must take care to insure that he is not destroyed or lost and that he must protect Dr. Soong's dream. Bruce is an asshole and tells him that "one way or the other, you will be reporting!"

Back from break we get another Captain's log, this one supplemental. Picard informs us that after being thwarted by Data's resignation is now trying to get control of Data via legal chicanery and due to this Picard has been summoned by Phillipa to the JAG office.

Bruce continues to be a fucking asshole and tells Picard that he's being "emotional and irrational." Phillipa's like, "Woah buddy Picard might be a lot of things, but emotional certainly isn't one of them. Trust me, I know...I've had his cock in my on more than one occasion."

Bruce again explains what he wants to do and how his research could lead to improvements for all humanity and therefore, "Data must not be permitted to resign." Picard contends that since Data is a Starfleet officer he certainly must have the same rights as ever other officer.

"Rights! Rights! I'm sick to death of hearing about rights!" shouts Bruce, "What about my right not to have my life work subverted by blind ignorance?"

Phillipa tells him, "We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun!? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you!?"

Picard then tells Bruce that he cannot simple ignore Starfleet rules and regulations when they become inconvenient for him. Bruce decides to take a different tact and asks if they would allow the Enterprise's Computer to refuse to be upgraded. Phillipa thinks this is an interesting notion and then wonders aloud, "the Enterprise computer is property. Is Data?"

Bruce is certain that he is and Phillipa tells him that there might be law to support this position. A fuming Picard bellows, "Then find it! A ruling with such broad ranging implications must be supported. Phillipa, I hope you will use the same zeal that you did in the Stargazer court martial."

Meanwhile on Ten Forward, Data's companions have thrown him a going-away party. Wesley Crusher is a little shit who tells Data he is unwrapping his gifts incorrectly by carefully opening them without tearing the paper so that it can be reused later. Apparently Data is my mom. Data eventually gets so fed up with Wesley's shit that after removing the wrapping paper he just tears it up.

Data then sees Geordi sitting alone on the other side of the bar. Data excuses himself and goes over to talk to his friend. Geordi is bummed out that Data's being forced to leave and tells him that he will miss him. Data says that he will miss Geordi too.

Back in the JAG office, Riker With Beard and Picard go to see if Phillipa has reached a verdict yet. She informs them that, "based on the Acts of Cumberland passed in the early 21st century (mark your calendars kids, that one's going to be passed any day now)" Data totally belongs to Starfleet and therefore cannot resign. Picard asks her what would happen if he were to challenge her ruling. She tells him that she'd be forced to have a hearing. Picard tells her to make it so which annoys Phillipa.

"Captain, that would be exceedingly difficult. This is a new base. I have no staff," she says in exasperation.

Picard gives zero fucks and tells her that there must be regulations to follow under such circumstances. She tells him that she "can use serving officers as legal counsel." Picard would serve as the defense on account of being the senior officer while Riker With Beard would act as prosecutor on account of being the next most senior officer.

Riker With Beard refuses and tells her to find someone else since he disagrees with Bruce's assertion that Data is just a machine. Riker With Beard explains that he views Data as a comrade and a friend. Phillipa tells him that if he does not act as prosecution than there will be no hearing and they will have to go ahead with her initial decision that Data is Starfleet property and calls him "a toaster" which certainly in The Next Generation would be an extremely dated term.

Riker With Beard is like, " I see I have no choice but to agree." Phillipa then tells him that he has to give 110% during the trial as well and that if she thinks for even one moment that he's half-assing it she will end the trial and revert to initial finding.

One more commercial break behind us and we find ourselves back in Picard's office. He tells Data that technically he is property of Starfleet and therefore cannot resign. Data gets bummed out but Picard tells him that they are going to fight it. He tells Data that he's been assigned to represent him but if Data would prefer another officer to represent him all he need do is ask. Data tells Picard that he's fine with him serving as his counselor.
Elsewhere Riker With Beard is talking to Computer trying to find some useful information about Data to use in the trial. He pulls up some schematics that clearly reveal where his on/off switch is. Wasn't this a big secret back in season one? Something that none of the engineers or doctors on the ship knew about? How is that possible when all this time they had blueprints for him? Also if they have blueprints for Data already then why the fuck does this Bruce fucker need to even take him apart? Anyway Riker With Beard is pleased that he's found something that he can use in the trial but then remembers what the trial is actually about and gets bummed out.

Later in a courtroom it's time for the trial of The Next Generation as Data v. Bruce gets underway. Phillipa is serving as judge. Riker With Beard calls Data to the stand. Data puts his hand on some kind of scanner deal and Man Voice Computer starts to read off Data's awards and commendations during his time serving in Starfleet. Riker With Beard is like, "We can skip all this," but Picard insists it plays in full.

Riker With Beard asks Data some questions to demonstrate that he is a man-made construct before giving him a metal bar to bend during the tradition Feats of Strength portion common to ALL trials. Picard objects to this declaring, "There are many life forms possessed of mega-strength. These issues are not relevant to this hearing."

I absolutely love that in Star Trek there is a concept known as "mega-strength" and that somehow it would be brought up in a court case attempting to determine whether or not someone was worthy of having human rights. Like could you imagine if some huge jacked dude like Ultimate Warrior circa 1989 was at risk of losing basic human rights on account of being TOO FUCKING JACKED?! WILD!!!

Riker With Beard continues, asking to remove Data's had so it can be examined. Picard objects to this but quickly withdraws his objection since there's no grounds for him to object to it other than it being kind of gross. Riker With Beard apologizes to Data as he removes his hand. He shows it to Phillipa and explains that it clearly illustrates that Data is hardware created by a man to serve humanity and Data accomplishes this through programs and software written by a man before declaring, "and now a man will shut it off!"

He turns off Data and everyone in the room is shocked. Riker With Beard declares, "Pinocchio is broken! Its strings have been cut!" Dude is on some straight up serial killer shit! Picard requests a commercial break and Phillipa grants him one.

Back from break we are in Ten Forward where Picard is sitting at the bar. Whoopi Goldberg is en media res talking to him about the trial and how good Riker With Beard's argument was. Picard tells her that it was so devastating that he almost convinced him.

Whoopi Goldberg tells Picard that he has the harder job since Data is by his own admission a machine. Whoopi Goldberg asks him if he's worried about Data and Picard tells her that he's sent people on far more dangerous missions before. Whoopi Goldberg replies that perhaps Bruce will get lucky and manage to create an entire army of Datas all as valuable as the original Data was to him.
She then says that being ruled to be the property of Starfleet should increase his value. This leaves Picard completely poleaxed. She explains that throughout history there have always been "disposable creatures" who do the dirty work that no one else wants to do because it's too difficult or dangerous and if Bruce succeeds they'll have a mess of Datas to fill that role, all completely disposable.

"You don't have to think about their welfare, you don't have to think about how they feel. Whole generations of disposable people," she says.

"YOU'RE TALKIN' 'BOUT SLAVERY!" bellows Picard.

Whoopi Goldberg tells him that he's being a little harsh, but Picard doesn't think he is. He thinks he's speaking truth to power and believes that "property" is just an easy euphemism to hide behind.

Back in the courtroom, Picard begins to attack Riker With Beard's arguments that Data is merely a constructed being by declaring, "Commander Riker With Beard has dramatically demonstrated to this court that Lieutenant Commander Data is a machine. Do we deny that? No, because it is not relevant: we, too, are machines, just machines of a different type. Commander Riker With Beard has also reminded us that Lieutenant Commander Data was created by a man; do we deny that? No. Again, it is not relevant. Children are created from the 'building blocks' of their parents' DNA," before wondering, "Are they property?"

Picard then calls Data to the stand and presents Data's ditty bag of possessions as evidence. Picard takes out Data's medals and asks Data why he packed them and what logical purpose they served. Data tells him that they serve no logical purpose, he just wanted them and asks if that is vanity.

Picard then asks about the book. Data says that the book was a gift from Picard. Picard asks if he values it and Data tells him that he does because, "it is a reminder of friendship and service." Picard then takes out the hologram of Tasha Yar and asks why he has a picture of her but no other crew members.

Data tells him that he would rather not answer that question having given his word not to talk about it. Picard tells him that under the current circumstances he didn't think Tasha would mind. Data then in a court of law mentions that the two of them fucked but leaves out the part about how she was infected by the fuck plague when it happened leading me to wonder if they fucked beyond that one canonical incident. I mean this, plus how "sad" Data was a Tasha's funeral lead me to think that they might have since they way he's acting about her isn't the way one might act towards a coworker you drunkenly hooked up with after the office Christmas party, but I digress.

Picard has no further questions and Riker With Beard forgoes cross examining the witness and so Picard calls Bruce to the stand "as a hostile witness." He asks Bruce if his contention is that Data is not a sentient being and therefore not entitled to the rights reserved for all life forms with in the Federation. Bruce says that that is indeed correct. Data is not a sentient being.

Picard asks him what then is required for sentience. "Intelligence, self awareness, consciousness," Bruce replies. Picard asks Bruce to prove that he is sentient which Bruce thinks is absurd. Picard then goes through Bruce's three criteria for sentience and asks if Data meets those requirements.

Bruce admits that Data does possess intelligence as he is able to learn and understand and adjust to new situations. They then move on to self awareness. Picard makes Bruce explain exactly what he means by self awareness and then asks Data what he is currently doing. Data explains that he is taking part in a legal hearing to determine whether he is a person or property. When asked by Picard what is at stake Data declares, "My right to choose. Perhaps my very life."

Picard says that this clearly demonstrates that Data possesses self awareness. Bruce is starting to get flustered. Picard asks him why he wants to disassemble Data and Bruce says that he wants to understand how it was constructed and build more. Picard wants to know how many more. Bruce declares, "There is no limit."

"A single Data, and forgive me, Commander, is a curiosity. A wonder, even. But thousands of Datas. Isn't that becoming a race? And won't we be judged by how we treat that race? Now, tell me, Commander, what is Data?" asks a defiant Picard.

Bruce says he doesn't understand and when asked again declares, "A MACHINE!" Picard asks if he is sure. Bruce says, "Yes," but it is clear he is not. Picard continues his assault asking Bruce what would happen if Data were to show even the slightest degree of consciousness. What would that make Data?

Picard then turns his attention to Phillipa and tells her that if she allows Bruce to do as he sees fit with Data one day, he or someone like him will succeed in creating an army of Datas and those Datas will constitute a new race and how humanity treats with that new race will "reveal the kind of people we are." Picard asks her if she is prepared to "condemn him and all who come after him to servitude and slavery?"

"Your Honour, Starfleet was founded to seek out new life. Well, there it sits. Waiting. You wanted a chance to make law. Well, here it is. Make a good one," concludes Picard.

Phillipa says that the case has dealt with metaphysics and "questions best left saints and philosophers," none of which she is qualified to answer. She says that while it is true that Data is a machine he does not belong to Star Fleet. She then says that she doesn't know if Data has a soul or if she herself has a soul for that matter but it is clear that Data should have to freedom to choose how to live.

Data tells Bruce that he refuses to undergo the procedure and Bruce says that he will cancel the reassignment. Data thanks him and encourages him to continue his research as he finds some of it intriguing and tells him that when he is ready Data will still be here.

Data then leaves and Bruce says, "He's remarkable."

Phillipa expresses surprise that Bruce didn't call Data "it," and Bruce leaves. Picard then invites her to dinner. She asks if he's buying, again forgetting that they live in a goddamn post-scarcity society.

Later in the conference room. Data informs Riker With Beard that there's a party on the holodeck, but Riker With Beard tells him he doesn't deserve to go. Data asks if he feels that way because he lost the case and Riker With Beard tells him not because he lost but because he came so close to winning and nearly cost Data his life.

Data tells him that he's wrong because if Riker With Beard had refused to take part in the trial Phillipa would have simply turned Data over to Bruce so by taking part in the trial Riker With Beard saved him. Riker With Beard tells him that he's a wise man. Data says that he's not but with Riker With Beard's help he is learning. The two then leave to go party.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard
I'm kind of on this fence for this episode as he was pretty goddamn competent at being a prosecutor, but at the same time was actively working way to hard to do something he really shouldn't want to do which I guess is kind of a thing a certain type of drunk does. I'm sure everyone has that friend that when drunk comes up with some bad elaborate plan and works to put it into action and then regrets it the next morning. Fuck it, Riker With Beard was in the goddamn tank.

Final Thoughts
This episode is certainly worthy of the praise that it has gotten as one of the first real good episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, unfortunately this is not your garden variety Star Trek episode review where episodes live and die on the strength of the script and quality of the acting and special effects. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report where the ONLY thing that matters is whether or not people fucked which did not happen here.

Fuck Count
Once again we toss a big ol' goose up on the leaderboard as no one took a trip to the bone zone in this episode. There was some low level "sitcom coworkers who hate each other yet sometimes fuck" horniness from Picard and Phillipa and we were reminded of Data's past sexcapades but actual fucking? Nada!

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)