Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E10 - The Dauphin

I've spent some more time researching the sexual habits of the crew of the USS Enterprise and below are my finds on any and all amorous activities present in the episode "The Dauphin." This episode first aired on February 20, 1989 and was the tenth episode of the second season. So let's get down to it.

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't really know all that much about this episode save for the fact that some dude at Medium ranked it the 157th best episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation out of 168 episodes (they counted two-parters as single episodes to get that number) so I'm assuming this episode's going to be a fuckin' delight.

Plot Synopsis
The episode begins with the Enterprise dropping out of warp speed near the planet of the week. Riker With Beard tells some random 1980s lady sitting in Wesley's chair to take the ship to impulse power and she does that.

We then learn where Wesley was when we see him assisting Geordi with some sci-fi maintenance. Geordi phones the bridge and says that now that they're out of warp drive he wants to make some routine adjustments that they are overdue for. Picard asks him how long they will take and Geordi tells him, "The length of one episode!" Geordi then asks Wesley to get some sort of sci-fi chunk out of a storage closet elsewhere on the ship and Wesley heads off to go get it.

Back on the bridge, Picard is not impressed by the planet of the week. Troi seems to share his opinion and says that she, "would have thought the inhabitants of Daled IV would send a future leader to a more hospitable environment."

The Enterprise then gets hailed by someone named Anya who asks them if they're there to pick up Salia of Daled IV. They tell her that they are. That's right kids, it's another "The Enterprise is a Taxi" episode! Anya asks them what species they are and when they tell her they are humans she seems pleased and then tells them to bring them aboard the ship before promptly hanging up on them. Picard takes Worf and Riker With Beard with him to go meet Salia of Daled IV and Anya, leaving Data in charge of the bridge.

Down in the teleportation chamber, O'Brien beams a young woman and an old woman in a cowl aboard. Neither of them have any luggage with them.

Picard welcomes them aboard and introduces himself. The older cowl woman introduces the younger woman as Salia of Daled IV which I guess means the cowl grandma is Anya. Salia of Daled IV is all amped up about the teleporter and examines it. Riker With Beard offers to arrange a tour of the Enterprise for her and she wants to go but Anya's like, "Fuck that! Just show us to our chambers!"

Out in the hall, Picard tells them that he's giving them, "quarters normally reserved for Starfleet admiralty," which means he's putting them in rooms indistinguishable from any other quarters if the rooms we've seen actual Admirals use while aboard the Enterprise are any indication.

At that moment Wesley walks out of the storage closet with the sci-fi chunk Geordi sent him to get. Salia of Daled IV sees him and runs over though she seems more amped by the sci-fi chunk Wesley has ("a superconducting magnet" by her accounting) than she does with anything Wesley Crusher is bringing to the table.

Wesley asks her how she could possibly know such a thing which seems kind of sexist. I mean he knew what it was and Salia of Daled IV seems to be of an age with him so why wouldn't she know what it was. She tells him that all she's done for the past 16 years is read and study but gets interrupted by Anya who scolds her for fucking around with a dolt like Wesley Crusher. As Salia of Daled IV runs off to rejoin the party heading for the Admiralty Quarters she warns Wesley to be careful with the magnet.

"Those can rip the iron right out of your blood cells!" she says as she leaves.

Wesley then asks Riker With Beard (who has abandoned the party heading for the Admiralty Quarters for some reason), "Who is she?"

Riker With Beard in full-on dick mode replies, "I think she's a governess."

Wesley clarifies that he meant the girl and Riker With Beard tells him, "I don't know if she'll have time for you, Wes. She's destined to rule an entire world." At first I thought this was kind of a dickish thing to say too, but the more that I think about it the more it seems like Riker With Beard trying to not hurt Wesley's feelings because he could have been like, "She's a hot princess and you're goddamn Wesley 'I'm a Boy Genius' Crusher! She's totally out of your league dude..."

Later in Wesley's quarters, Wesley is trying and failing to make himself look hot to try and put the mack moves on a princess. Data comes in because apparently Wesley wanted to see him. Wesley asks Data about the girl and Data tells him that she is Salia of Daled IV and little is known about her beyond the fact that she is of Daled IV and her parents were from opposing sides in a civil war that's lasted centuries. Um...did Brian K. Vaughan jack the plot hook for Saga from this episode?

Anyway, Data continues by telling Wesley that the girl's parents both died shortly after she was born and she was brought to the planet of the week along with her governess aboard a Federation ship so she could be raised in a neutral environment. She is returning now and it is hoped that she can unite the various factions and bring peace to Daled IV.

Geordi then calls Wesley and asks if he's alright. Wesley's like, "Yeah I'm fine," and Geordi's like, "Dude! WTF? We're still waiting for that magnet!" Wesley tells him that he's on his way and runs off. Great! A goddamn Wesley Crusher centered episode. Talk about a cold open...

After that good, good theme song we check back in on the bridge where Riker With Beard informs Picard that they've left planet of the week and set a course for Daled IV but because of Geordi's maintenance stuff they're on impulse power. Troi tells Picard that she's worried about Salia of Daled IV and Anya saying that, "Their emotions do not fit who they are and what they're doing," and then goes on to say, "they're not what they say they are."

Picard then calls down to Salia of Daled IV's quarters and for the first time in the history of this show explicitly asks permission to turn on the view screen. Chekov's "Asking Permission to Do Something" is now in play! Salia of Daled IV gives him permission to use the view screen. Picard asks about her quarters and Salia of Daled IV tells him they are fine and then asks about "the young man I met before." Picard tells her it was Boy Genius Wesley Crusher. She thanks him for checking in on them as Anya enters the room and then ends transmission.

Back on the bridge, Troi tells Picard that what she sensed earlier about Salia of Daled IV and Anya hasn't changed. Data then talks about the civil war on Daled IV saying that the war might have been caused by the fact that Daled IV has a light side and a dark side of the planet and the inhabitants of the planet therefore developed two distinct cultures "which is a major cause of most wars."

Riker With Beard opines that Salia of Daled IV, "seems too delicate for such a task," but Worf tells him, "Do not be fooled by her looks. The body is just a shell."

Meanwhile back in Salia of Daled IV's quarters, Salia of Daled IV is talking to a random teenage girl, telling her that she doesn't know if she'll be able to do what she's expected to once she arrives at Daled IV. The other teenage girl tells her that she will know what she needs to do instinctively.

"It won't be as bad as you think. In fact, it could be quite wonderful. Besides, you are the last and only chance," the random teenage girl says. The random teenage girl then transforms into a short, furry, bug-eyed alien and starts gibbering at Salia of Daled IV who continues conversing with the creature.

Goddamn is this alien thing hokey as fuck! This is some Mac & Me levels of terrible special effects and now understand why almost every alien on this show is just a bunch of 1980s Venice Beach muscle-fucks and perm babes.

Meanwhile in engineering, Wesley Crusher is horny for an alien space princess and fucking up left and right. Geordi's like, "Dude WTF? Get your head in the game mang!" 

Wesley explains that the girl that just got beamed up is "perfect," and that's why he's fucking up all over the place. Geordi's like, "That makes sense. You're at the age you should probably start poppin' boners all over the place."

Wesley tries to play it off and is like, "Just because I said she was interesting doesn't mean I'm poppin' boners all over the place," but Geordi's like, "You said 'perfect,' my dude!" He then tells Wesley that he's useless so he should just go and talk to the girl who has him so horny.

Wesley still acts like he's not horny as fuck but then is like, "but if I were horny as fuck for this alien space princess how should I go about doing that?"

Apparently he has no idea that Geordi is probably the only person on the Enterprise who knows less about getting ass than him. Geordi proves this by tells Wesley to, "Just say, 'Hi. I'm Wesley Crusher. I'd like to talk to you.'" Wesley then asks what to say after that and Geordi has no response. Geordi gives the excuse that he doesn't have time for this on account of being so busy and not because of the fact that he has no idea how to talk to girls either.

"You're going to have to ask somebody else," Geordi says and then Wesley runs off to do precisely that.

Back on the bridge, Worf is screaming like a psycho. When he finishes he tells Wesley, "And that is how the Klingon lures a mate." Wesley Crusher is confused by this and asks Worf if he's telling him to go and yell at Salia of Daled IV. Worf is like, "For a boy genius, you're pretty fuckin' dumb. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects and claw at you."

Wesley asks him what Klingon men do and Worf tells him that the man reads love poems and ducks a lot. Wesley tells him that it sounds like it is a great way for Klingons to get laid but he might "need to try something a little less dangerous."

"Then go to her door. Beg like a human," suggests a disappointed Worf.

Data offers some assistance but in typical "LOL Data doesn't understand the human equation!" fashion he starts talking about biological compatibility and "the histocompatibility complex" and shit leading Wesley to declare that he wants "to meet here, not dissect her," and then storm off like a little diaper baby.

As Wesley leaves Picard enters and phones Salia of Daled IV's quarters and again specifically asks permission to activate the view screen. Down in Salia of Daled IV's quarters Salia of Daled IV shoes the weird gibbering Mac & Me alien thing away. It scampers off and hides in a little antechamber as Salia of Daled IV answers the phone.

Picard tells her that he's invited Anya to tour the ship and would like to extend the invitation to Salia of Daled IV as well. She says that she would love to and Picard tells her that their escort will arrive shortly. After Picard hangs up, the Mac & Me alien runs back in and is blabbering some nonsense at Salia of Daled IV who is all like, "Why can't I go? I'll never get to see a spaceship like this ever again!"

The little Mac & Me alien then in a plot twist surprising to no one watching, morphed into Anya. Anya tells her that she has to stay in their room where its safe and asks Salia of Daled IV to "do an old woman a favor and obey me for the rest of this trip."

Salia of Daled IV tells her that she's "no more an old woman than I am a leader," as the doorbell rings. It's Worf, there to pick them up for their tour. Anya tells him that Salia of Daled IV will remain behind and as she leaves tells Salia of Daled IV, "You are a leader an I am older than you could ever imagine."

Back from break, we find Wesley in Ten Forward whining to Riker With Beard about not knowing how to talk to girls. Riker With Beard tells Whoopi Goldberg that he needs her help and then wanders off. I laugh because I assume that he was just trying to pawn Wesley Crusher off on her and leave, but it turns out that he wanted to show Wesley how to pick up chicks at a bar.

They sit at a table and Riker With Beard proceeds to flirt with Whoopi Goldberg while Wesley watches. It's exactly the sort of game you'd expect a horndog like Riker With Beard to spit and eventually Wesley gets fed up and tells them, "I don't think this is my style." It is, however, Whoopi Goldberg's style who responds by telling Wesley, "Shut up kid," before telling Riker With Beard, "Tell me more about my eyes."

Meanwhile Anya visits Engineering as part of her tour of the ship. She harangues Geordi about all sorts of things malfunctioning. Geordi insists that he's just doing maintenance to ensure optimal operating efficiency but Anya acts as if everything is on the verge of exploding. Geordi gets fed up and tells her that he has to finish his work. Worf leads Anya off who gets in one last parting shot, telling Geordi, "I will be back to check your progress!" 

Meanwhile out in a hallway, Wesley has decided to just be himself and go and talk to Salia of Daled IV like Geordi told him to do from the get go. Normally this is probably the best advice but in this case "being himself" means being Wesley Crusher which is not a particularly good thing to be so he probably should have pretended to be someone else.

Unfortunately for Wesley he's stopped by a guard who's like, "What the shit do you want Wesley?" Wesley doesn't know what to do, but suddenly the door opens and Salia of Daled IV emerges she asks Wesley to show her how to use the food dispenser and Wesley agrees and goes in with her.

Wesley then does what Wesley does best and acts like a know-it-all, showing Salia of Daled IV how to use the food machine. She wants something sweet so he makes some kind of chocolate mousse for her and then tells her about the planet it originated on. Salia of Daled IV tells him that she never got to see the galaxy and Wesley tells her that it's time she changed that and then leads her off somewhere.

Meanwhile down in sickbay, Anya's tour continues. She sees Dr. Grandma treating some patient and demands to know what's wrong with the dude. Dr. Grandma, not giving a FUCK about doctor-patient confidentiality tells the old woman that the patient has "Andronesian encephalitis."

Anya is not happy with this since it's a contagious disease. Dr. Grandma tells her to calm the fuck down since the ship is equipped with state of the art filtering equipment but Anya is like, "but there's a chance."

Dr. Grandma replies, "If you mean mathematically, yes, the probability is not zero."

This is not the right answer to tell Anya who demands Dr. Grandma kill the patient immediately. Dr. Grandma is like, "WOAH WTF?!" Again, this is not the right thing to say to Anya, who decides to take matters into her own hands and morphs into a big screaming space yeti as we head to commercials.

Back from break we find Worf wrestling with Anya in space yeti form. It's terrible Star Trek karate until Picard and some security guards show up. The guards want to put the space yeti on blast but Picard tells them to hold up. Anya stops brawling and returns to her human form and Worf goes to clobber her but gets scolded by Picard.

Dr. Grandma demands to know what Anya is which is weird because she'd moments later be the one to tell everyone else exactly what Anya is, but that's neither here nor there. Picard tells Anya that they aren't killing anyone and for the rest of the voyage she'll have to stay as an old lady and also stay in her quarters. She agrees to this and leaves while Dr. Grandma informs everyone (as I mentioned above) that Anya is an allasomorph, a creature that can "alter their molecular structure into other lifeforms."

Worf is impressed and declares that, "Such a creature would make a perfect protector."

Meanwhile on the holodeck, Wesley is showing Salia of Daled IV some random-ass planets. Salia of Daled IV thanks him for showing her all this shit and Wesley is like, "Someday, you'll see it all for yourself." 

Meanwhile in the hallway, Worf brings Anya back to her quarters. She tells Worf that as the head of security he must understand her duties to protect Salia of Daled IV and that she can't perform those duties if she's confined to quarters, Worf tells her that he will protector Salia of Daled IV but Anya tells him that a protector cannot have two charges and that Worf's responsibility is to the ship.

Worf tells her that his "responsibility to the ship includes protecting Salia of Daled IV," which leads to Anya just being like, "You know I'm stronger than you." They have a dick measuring contest that ends with Anya telling Worf that he cannot control her and Worf replying that they would see.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Picard is briefing Troi on the latest developments with Anya being a transforming space yeti and shit when Anya suddenly phone him and informs him that Salia of Daled IV is gone. She demands to know where she is.

We then see where she's gone. She's hanging out at Ten Forward, eating chocolate with Wesley and lamenting how she'll never be able to leave Daled IV after she arrives and how many responsibilities she'll have once she's there. Wesley tries to convince her to shirk her duties and stay on the Enterprise which leads to Salia of Daled IV running off in tears.

Wesley leans back and is like, "Looks like my work here is done," but Whoopi Goldberg is like, "You dummy, you're supposed to go after a crying girl!"

Wesley goes out after her but Salia of Daled IV yells at him and tells him that she wants to stay more than anything else but can't. Wesley Crusher channels a motivational workplace poster and tells hier, "Nothing is impossible," but she's not buying it.

Picard then shows up with Anya and guard and Anya yells at Wesley to, "Leave her alone!" Picard is equally harsh telling him, "Ensign, step away from her!" Anya then escorts Salia of Daled IV back to her quarters leaving a heartbroken Wesley Crusher standing alone in the hall as we head out to commercial break.

Back from break, Geordi has finished his maintenance and tells Picard that he can use the warp engines again. Picard is pleased and tells Riker With Beard to get them to Daled IV as quickly as possible. Riker With Beard then tells a busty blonde woman who is seated at Wesley's work station to go to warp 8.8. I don't think this is the same blonde woman from earlier. Picard phones down to Wesley and tells him that when he finishes what he's doing in Engineering to come up to Picard's office.

Later in Picard's office, Picard tells Wesley that Anya is a shape-shifter and not only Salia of Daled IV's governess but alos her protector. Picard then tells Wesley that he usually doesn't care who his crew fucks around with but in this case he wants Wesley to stay away from Salia of Daled IV, "for the good of the ship and the safety of everyone on board." Wesley agrees to this.

I love that Wesley Crusher is such a complete and utter fuck up that even something as normal as being a horny teen in his case could result in a body count.

Down in Salia of Daled IV's quarters she complains to Anya about Anya not letting her have a friend. Anya tells her that she's supposed to protect her and deliver her safely to Daled IV and that Wesley is confusing her and making her forget her responsibilities. She reminds Salia of Daled IV that she "must do what you are destined to do."

Back on the bridge, the Enterprise has finally arrived at Daled IV. They try to open hailing frequencies but are having trouble doing so due to the troposphere, just like what happened on the planet of the week in the beginning of the episode. Picard tells Data to do whatever it takes so they can get the girl Wesley is horny for and that girl's transforming space yeti guardian off their ship.

Meanwhile down in Wesley's quarters, Salia of Daled IV shows up and tells him that she sneaked out of her quarters while Anya was sleeping. She tells Wesley that Anya thought he would corrupt her which even Wesley Crusher himself is self-aware enough to realize is completely ridiculous. She then does that "what is this thing you humans call 'making out'" routine that all these dumb works of scientific fiction have before a human and some kind of alien start fuckin' and she and Wesley Crusher begin to kiss.

Fortunately for me, they are interrupted by Anya in space yeti form screamin' like a psycho at them. Salia of Daled IV tells Wesley to run. Wesley calls for security while Salia of Daled IV also morphs into a space yeti. Wesley runs to safety and the two women return to human form. Anya scolds Salia of Daled IV and Wesley Crusher for being horny teens.

Back from break, Picard drops a Captain's Log explaining that they've seal Anya's quarters with a forcefield because she had shrunk down to some microscopic lifeform to escape her chambers undetected before.

On the bridge, Worf plays a message from Daled IV welcoming them. Data informs Picard that the message came "from a terawatt source on the planet." Riker With Beard is completely poleaxed as that is more power than the entire ship could produce. Data tells him that it's the amount of power needed to penetrate the troposphere. Riker With Beard is bummed that they won't be able to reply but Worf's like, "That message also had beam-down coordinates." Picard is happy that this episode is almost over and Riker With Beard leaves to go get the guests ready to beam down.

Down in Anya and Salia of Daled IV's quarters, Worf tells them it is time to go. Anya tells Worf that Salia of Daled IV will join him shortly and Worf leaves for a moment. Salia of Daled IV is surprised that Anya isn't coming. She tells Salia of Daled IV that her job is finished and hopes that it was enough. She then tells her that she wouldn't have actually hurt Wesley and that she only wanted to scare him.

Anya tells Salia of Daled IV that she might have been hard on her at times but wanted her to be ready for any challenges she might encounter. Salia of Daled IV asks if she'll ever be able to leave Daled IV and Anya tells her, "Probably not, but anything is possible."

Salia of Daled IV tells Anya that Wesley had said the same thing and Anya says that she hopes Wesley is right. Salia of Daled IV then asks Anya where she's going to go. Anya tells her that the third moon of Daled IV was her home before they left together and that's where she's going to go. The two say their goodbyes and Salia of Daled IV then opens the door and tells Worf she's ready to go.

She leaves with someone else I guess and Worf tells Anya that he will take her to a different teleportation chamber. Anya's like, "I bet you're glad I'm leaving," but Worf tells her that he isn't since she was a worthy opponent. Anya tells him that she thinks she and Worf are very much alike. Worf agrees and as they leave Anya tells him that hopefully they can fight again at some point "on the same side." Worf tells her that it would be an honor.

Meanwhile down in Wesley's quarters, Salia of Daled IV arrives to say goodbye but Wesley is a dick to her, asking her if she had a good time pretending to be a human. She says that what she is at that moment is what she is and that's a humanoid girl. Wesley's still fuming though and wants to know what she really is.

She tells him that, "Our natural state is one unlike anything you can imagine."

Wesley continues to be a pissy asshole and Salia of Daled IV tells him that she's sorry if she hurt him. Wesley's all like, "I LOVED YOU!" and Salia of Daled IV tells him that she loves him too but Wesley doesn't know if she's capable of love. Salia of Daled IV tells him that she has the same feelings and emotions as Wesley and begs for him to believe her but Wesley's just like, "Please go."

She doesn't want to say goodbye like this, but Wesley continues to be a huge asshole and says nothing so Salia of Daled IV leaves.

Down in the teleportation chamber Riker With Beard tells O'Brien to beam Salia of Daled IV to the coordinates that were included with the message received. Salia of Daled IV thanks them for their courtesy and Riker With Beard tells her that he hopes one day Daled IV and the Federation can have "formal contact," which confused the fuck out of me because it was a Federation ship that took Salia of Daled IV and Anya to the planet of the week when Salia of Daled IV was a baby and it's a Federation ship that's taking her back now so is this just a side hustle for the Enterprise? Are they Space Uber?

As O'Brien prepares to beam Salia of Daled IV down Wesley shows up with a bowl of chocolate mousse to remember him by. Salia of Daled IV tells him that she's glad he came to say goodbye and wishes there was something she could give him but Wesley says she already did, speaking undoubtedly of the episode-long boner he'd been popping since she beamed aboard the ship.

Salia of Daled IV then asks Wesley to leave because she has to transform into her natural form before she beams down but wants Wesley to remember her as a humanoid girl. Wesley tells her that he will and so Salia of Daled IV transforms into her natural form which is yet another sentient mass of light. 

Since Salia of Daled IV has lived a fairly isolated existence I'll let her earlier remark about her natural state being "one unlike anything you can imagine," when it's just another goddamn sentient blob of light slide since I doubt she's encountered any other beings similar to her before but Wesley's seen some shit! I mean Troi got knocked up by another sentient blob of light nine episodes earlier for crying out loud. There's no reason Wesley should have been as dumbstruck by this as he was.

Anyway Salia of Daled IV gets beamed down to Daled IV and Wesley is bummed so he goes to Ten Forward to drink Alka-Seltzer. Whoopi Goldberg comforts him telling him that there will come a time that all he remembers is the love. Wesley responds that he'll never feel the same way about anyone else, and Whoopi Goldberg, much to his surprise agrees with him and tells him that he'll fall in love again, but every time it's different. Wesley tells her that that doesn't make things any easier for him and she tells him that "it's not supposed to," to wrap up this awful, awful episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard
Riker With Beard was fuckin' hammered in this episode. Wesley tried to get love advice from him in a bar for fuck's sake and the advice Riker With Beard gave involved him legitimately putting the moves on Whoopi Goldberg so hard that Wesley Crusher got uncomfortable and fled in terror. That is something someone three sheets to the wind could have done.

Final Thoughts
While the last episode was a good episode as a TV show but a bad source of information for he Star Trek Fuck Report, this episode was bad across the board. It was an episode where Wesley Crusher took center stage and those ALWAYS suck all the asses that exist and have existed throughout history and will exist in the future. 

Moreover, even if it had been some other non-Wesley Crusher character falling in love with Salia of Daled IV the episode still would have been terrible since the plot was so paper thin. There was no real conflict and for whatever reason no one thought that maybe there needed to be a b-story to supplement this absolute nothing of a storyline.

Furthermore the space yeti costumes, as mentioned above, were some of the worst alien costumes I've seen out of this show or the original recipe Star Trek for that matter. They looked so shitty so I kind of understand that during the Anya vs. Salia of Daled IV space yeti showdown they just yelled and never really punched each other since that clearly would have looked like absolute garbage, though it might have been so awful that it turned a corner and became entertaining again. Who's to say?

Finally I'd like to wrap things up here by quoting something Wil Wheaton said during a bonus feature titled, "Intergalactic Guest Stars" on the Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 5 DVDs, "I used to get a lot of mileage out of this joke I'd tell at conventions. The first girl that Wesley fell in love with turned out to be a shape-shifter who turned into a hideous monster, y'know after he had exposed his soul to her. Which happened a lot to me in my personal life. And I was glad Star Trek was able to capture that parallel."

That's right kids, Wil Wheaton, TV's Wesley Crusher, is just as dumb and obnoxious as the character he portrayed on television.

Fuck Count
I kind of wonder if Riker With Beard and Whoopi Goldberg ended up fucking after Wesley Crusher ran away from them flirting with each other. There's really not enough information to conclusively say so I'm going to err on the side of caution and say they did not. And you know who else did not? Every single character that appeared on screen. If this was the Star Trek Chaste Teenage Love report I might have some things to say about this episode but it's not so I don't. No one fucked. The episode sucked in every conceivable way. The end.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)