Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E11 - Contagion

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, where we're in a bit of a fuck drought at the moment. It's been a good heap of episodes since last one of our brave space travelers engaged in the amorous congress with a fellow crew member, weird space light, robot or 1980s babe alien and I fear that this week it's going to be more of the same since I have a vague recollection of this episode and don't think an episode where Enterprise II blows up is going to be particularly fuck heavy, but who knows, maybe I'll be surprised, so let's get down to business.

Preexisting Prejudices
As mentioned above I have a vague recollection of it and by that I mean that I remember that a fake Enterprise explodes at some point in this episode. Other than that I've got no clue what's going on in it but I seriously doubt it's much fucking.

Plot Synopsis
We being the episode the same way we often do: Captain Picard dropping a Captain's log. He explains that the Enterprise is hauling ass to the Neutral Zone to assist his buddy Captain Don Varley of the USS Enterprise II. The Enterprise II is apparently all kinds of fucked up and needs the Enterprise's help in resolving the mechanical issues which plague it. This is all the more dangerous by the fact that the ship is deep in the Neutral Zone which could cause an intergalactic incident if they are discovered by the Romulans.

On the bridge Data and Riker With Beard are downloading the Enterprise II's records. Wesley Crusher informs Picard that they will rendezvous with the Yamato in exactly four minutes and thirty-three seconds which is one of those oddly specific times that I've noticed Star Trek: The Next Generation will occasionally toss out for absolutely no goddamn reason.

Four minutes and thirty-three seconds later they rendezvous with the Enterprise II and Picard hails them and ask him what the fuck he's doing in the Neutral Zone. Captain Don Varley tells him that his ship is royally fucked and explains some of the issues and that some people have died, but he has no idea what the problem actually is and therefore assumes it's some kind of design flaw on Enterprises.

He then explains to Picard what he's doing in the Neutral Zone. Apparently, Varley's some kind of space archaeology superfan and had heard rumors of dig sites that would make some kind of aliens known as the Iconians "sound a lot less like legend," and believed their homeworld had been discovered within the Neutral Zone. Don Varley tells Picard that he felt the risk of entering the Neutral Zone was worth it in order to prevent the Romulans from retrieving Iconian technology before the Federation could do so.

As Don continues rapping at Picard his transmission starts breaking up and Worf tells Picard that he's detected a failure in the Enterprise II's antimatter containment chamber. Picard tries to give Don the heads up, but the transmission is too messed up to for Don to hear him and the Enterprise II totally explodes killing everyone on board.

The bridge crew is stunned but the cold open isn't done with them yet as Worf informs them, "Another vessel is coming within sensor range. It is Romulan." A moment later a Romulan space ship appears before them.

After that good, good Next Generation theme song we check back in on the bridge. Picard drops another Captain's log about even though everyone is bumming hard on account of the exploded Enterprise II, there's no time to be sad because there's a goddamn Romulan spaceship all up in their mug.

Picard wants to know if the Romulan ship is responsible for the destruction of Enterprise II but Data is unsure. Eventually the Romulan ship responds to the Enterprise's hails and their lady captain appears on the big TV phone on the bridge. Picard demands that she explain her illegally in the Neutral Zone and she, without missing a beat is like, "Explain yours."

Picard can't and then asks if she is responsible for the destruction of the Enterprise II. She tells him that they weren't and that had she chosen to defend the Neutral Zone she wouldn't have stopped with destroying one spaceship. They mute the phone and Troi says that the lady captain on the Romulan ship seems nervous and that because of this things could quickly escalate out of control.

When Picard unmutes the phone, the lady captain tells him to leave at once. Picard agrees to leave after investigating the destruction of the Enterprise II and ensuring that the Romulans weren't responsible. I don't know if that was the best way to deescalate things since the Romulans hang up on him and quickly cloak their ship. Riker With Beard is fine with this since it means they can't fire on the Enterprise, but Worf says, "Unless they have overcome that deficiency. The Yamato was destroyed while they were cloaked."

Picard is pissed and tells everyone that he doesn't want speculation or conspiracy theories, he wants answers and in one hour they're going to have a staff meeting.

One hour later, Geordi is giving a presentation in the conference room. They have determined that the Enterprise II blew up because of a critical antimatter containment failure, not missiles from the Romulans. They aren't sure if it's a design flaw in all Enterprises or not though so Geordi wants to run some tests to make sure their Enterprise is safe. Picard tells him to make it so and use any crew members he needs.

Geordi and Data head off and Troi is like, "Now that that's all sorted out, maybe we should get the fuck out of here as to not piss off the Romulans."

Picard though is like, "Nah let's just sit tight and let Geordi run diagnostics in the middle of this contentious space region while a hostile ship is nearby."

While Geordi does maintance, Picard looks through Captain Don's Captain's log to see if there are any clues there as to what went wrong with the Enterprise II. He searches for the words "Iconia" and "Romulan" and then watches the log entries that the computer finds with those terms. The log entries have Captain Don talking about Iconian artifacts and how he found the Iconian homeworld. Later entries mention getting scanned by an Iconian probe and an increasing number of system failures aboard the Enterprise II. In Captain Don's final entry he says that he if he can't repair the Enterprise II he hopes that he can convince Picard to continue his work due to its importance with regards to the safety of the Federation.

Picard goes to leave his office for the bridge but his door doesn't open right away. All of use viewing at home realize that whatever problems had befallen the Enterprise II were now effecting the Enterprise I but Picard doesn't seem to pay it much mind. Eventually the door does open and Picard goes out to the bridge where he asks Data if there's a visual record of an Iconian probe that Captain Don mentioned in his log. There is and they play it on the big TV on the bridge. Like most weird space things on Star Trek: The Next Generation, it's just a weird ball of light that shoots lightning out of it. Picard has Data calculate the coordinates and then informs the bridge crew that they are going to visit that planet in order to continue the work Captain Don was doing and hopefully avoid an intergalactic incident. The bridge crew is a bit concerned though because the planet they are headed towards is even deeper in the Neutral Zone and far, far closer to the Romulan side of things.

As we return from commercial break we find boy genius, Wesley Crusher visiting Picard in his office. Wesley says he's there to rap with Picard about the Iconians who he always thought were just legends. Picard tells him that people also thought China was a legend until Marco Polo went there which isn't really true, but that's another topic for another day.

Picard tells him that there are ancient texts about "Demons of Air and Darkness" and stories about the Iconians appearing on planets without the use of spaceships and how they were probably warlike. Wesley asks him how he knows so much about them and Picard tells him that he's something of an amateur archaeologist. Picard then asks Wesley why he's really there.

Wesley tells him that he can't stop thinking about all the people on the Enterprise II who were killed in an instant when the ship exploded. He wants to know how he and Riker With Beard were able to handle it so easily. Picard tells him that it's not easy to handle and that they only know how to handle it due years of training.

Picard then goes over to the food machine and for (maybe) the first time bellows his second most popular catchphrase, "TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" before he starts to tell Wesley about the importance of a single life but before he can get it all out a houseplant pops out of the food machine. Picard is perplexed by this and tells Wesley, "Now that should not have happened."

We get a random-ass Captain's Log where Picard explains that whatever issues had befallen the Enterprise II were now effecting the Original Recipe Enterprise and that he was worried they too could randomly explode in space unless something was done.

Fortunately Geordi somehow is able to determine that it's not a design flaw without determining what is causing the issues. He thinks it might be tied to the Iconian probe but doesn't know how or why which makes it seem like he's just spitballin' to buy himself some more time, but as Picard reminds him, "time is the one thing which we do not have in abundance."

The Enterprise then arrives at a brown planet that's been blasted to shit. There are no life-forms being detected on the planet and all the major cities have had their shit completely ruined in a pattern that Worf declares to be "consistent with large-scale orbital bombardment." Data informs the Captain that such a bombardment would have happened approximately 200,000 years ago. They do, however, detect an energy source in some mountains.

Riker With Beard wonders if this planet is truly Iconia and Picard replies that Captain Don died believing it to be. The energy source in the mountains suddenly flashes and Worf informs Picard that a projectile was launched from the planet's surface. Data tells Picard that the size and composition seem to match the probe that Captain Don encountered, so Picard tells Worf to put up the shields and prepare to use the tractor beam.

Picard then phones down to Geordi in Engineering and tells him, "Mister La Forge, I'm going to assist you in your research. A probe has been launched from Iconia. I'm going to capture it!"

Geordi does not seem happy about this though and tries to tell Picard not to, but the telephone gets fucked up so Geordi makes a mad dash for the bridge. He gets in a TURBOLIFT! but the TURBOLIFT! is also all kinds of fucked up and tosses Geordi about in a ludicrous fashion while Gerodi screams for it to, "STOP DAMMIT!" I howled with laughter.

Eventually we cut back to the bridge where Worf is preparing to engage the tractor beam. Before he can though, the TURBOLIFT! doors open and Geordi is thrown out. Geordi bellows for them to destroy the probe and Picard quickly decides to blow it up instead of capture it. It explodes and Geordi tells them, "If that thing had managed to scan us, we never would have had any chance of saving the Enterprise."

We're in the conference room when we return from commercials and find Geordi explaining that the probe transmits a computer program that rewrites software in its own image. Thus leading to two incompatible systems trying to interface. It's what caused all the problems aboard the Enterprise II and, more importantly for the remaining three acts of this episode is the same program currently running roughshod on the Enterprise.

Riker With Beard rightly brings up the fact that the Enterprise wasn't scanned and therefore cannot understand how they became infected with the Iconian program. Apparently the concept of computer viruses was something that was completely forgotten by the Next Generation while lyrics to Shirley Temple songs were still commonly known and understood.

Geordi explains that the Enterprise must have become infected when they downloaded the Enterprise II's logs. Geordi then explains since there's a single origin point for the infection on the Enterprise (the Enterprise II's logs) as opposed to the multiple systems on the Enterprise II that the probe was able to infect, they have a bit more time than the Enterprise II did before everything goes to shit.
None of this extra time actually matters though because Geordi says that there is "not very much," that he can do due to the fact that, "the Iconian program is so sophisticated I may never understand it."

Riker With Beard informs Picard that the injuries due to the failing ship systems are beginning to pile up. Data adds that Doctor Grandma does not trust the TURBOLIFTS! and is "sending medical teams through the access tunnels." I am personally of the mind that this has nothing to do with the Iconian computer virus though and is just because she's an old lady who is afraid of technology in general.

Speaking of Doctor Grandma, we then check in on her down in sickbay where she's fuming about nothing working. Some random medic is like, "Doctor G, my sci-fi doctor tool doesn't work and this cat's got a busted leg!"

Doctor Grandma tells him to try a splint and the medic is perplexed. She explains what a splint is and the medic's like, "I didn't go to space medical school for 8 years to wrap planks onto a dude's leg. That's not practicing medicine!" Doctor Grandma tells him to fuck off and get to it and that's the end of that chapter...and Doctor Grandma for the episode.

While Data and Geordi work on attempting to fix the issues the Iconian program have caused (and getting electrocuted in the process), Picard informs Riker With Beard that perhaps a trip to the surface of the planet could provide them with some information could help them solve the problem. Riker With Beard says that he'll get an away team together, but Picard tells him that because he's an amateur archaeologist he'll be leading the team. Riker With Beard objects but Picard is insistent.
Later, Worf, Data and Picard get beamed down to the planet by O'Brien who warns them that the teleporter could fail at any moment. Back on the bridge, Riker With Beard tells O'Brien to keep an eye on them and beam them back if any funny shit happens.

A Romulan spaceship then suddenly appears in front of the Enterprise. Riker With Beard attempts to open hailing frequencies but is informed by a random Worf-replacement lady that the Romulan ship is arming is photon torpedoes. Riker With Beard orders the shields up but they aren't responding. The Romulan ship's weapons suddenly go offline and then the Enterprise's shields come on and instantly fail.

This back and forth happens several times with Troi, incorrectly declaring, "In another time and place this could be funny." I'm in another time and place. It was not funny, though it did make clear the fact that the Romulan ship was also infected by the Iconian program.

Riker With Beard hails the Romulan ship and the Romulan lady from earlier answers the space phone. She now introduces herself as Sub-Commander Taurus of the Hakona. She demands to know why the Enterprise has gone deeper into the Neutral Zone. Riker With Beard asks her why she's still there as well and she replies that she has claimed the planet below for the Romulan Empire.

"This is the Neutral Zone. Nobody can claim anything!" replies Riker With Beard.

She tells him to withdraw immediately or she will blow them up, but her ship continues to fuck up. Riker With Beard suggests putting off a shooting war until after they've solved their more immediate problems. Wesley then informs Riker With Beard that another probe has been launched from the planet and is headed towards the Romulan ship.

Riker With Beard tells Taurus that if she has lasers she should probably blow up the probe. She blows up the probe and then hangs up on Riker With Beard. Troi says that Taurus is frustrated by all the problems plaguing her ship. This leads Wesley to wonder why they're even infected since they were never scanned. Riker With Beard opines that they probably hacked the Enterprise II's logs and got more than they bargained for.

He then tells Wesley to maintain Red Alert and keep the shields up in case the Hakona decides to make good on their threat of blowing them up. Wesley then builds up some tension as we head to commercial break by reminding us that with the shields up they won't be able to beam the away team back up.

Back from break we join the away team on Iconia. Picard explains via Captain's Log that they "have found what appears to be a control center which seems to have remained intact."

Worf informs Picard that he is unable to contact the Enterprise but Picard is like, "that makes sense considering every system is fucked up. Just keep tryin' bud!" He and Data then look at some weird control console thing while Worf continues to try and phone people.

Picard and Data realize that the language on the console is similar to some still existing languages and Data therefore attempts to devise a rudimentary root language that the existing languages could have come from. He does that but reminds Picard that his hypothetical root language will not be precise. Picard understands and has Data get to work.

Data finds something that he thinks is a manual override, but when he pushes the button a gateway opens showing a series of landscapes and buildings and thing. The away team discuss whether this is a gateway or merely a series of holographic images, so Data walks over and sticks his arms in determining that it is not a hologram.

Picard's like, "WTF dude? That was dumb as fuck!"

Data wants to walk into it to see if it's a gateway, but Picard tells him that they might not be able to get him back if he does and that they need him to use the console. Picard speculates that if it truly is a gateway the Iconians could have used to traverse the galaxy without spaceships and that this is the technology that Captain Don didn't want to fall into Romulan hands.

Suddenly the gateway displays an image of the Enterprise and the away team is stoked that they've found a way home. Data then informs them that there's a massive power supply underground and after tapping a few buttons on the console tells Worf and Picard that he's gained access. Again, his translation proves less than accurate and he gets blasted in the dome by some sci-fi blue lightning. Data falls backwards, badly damaged.

Back from break, Data informs Picard that the Iconian program is attempting to rewrite his software. Picard decides that all the Iconian technology must be destroyed to prevent it from getting into Romulan hands and asks Data how to do so. Data's kind of fucked up but Picard is able to glean from his garbled speech a means to destroy everything: he has to close the launch bay doors and launch all the probes at once to blow the fuck out of everything in the control center.

Picard has Worf destroy the tricorder they were using to scan the control center and then after Data gives Picard the codes to launch the probes and also override the launch bay doors Picard tells Worf to take Data through the gateway the next time the Enterprise appears. He does so and appears on the bridge.

Riker With Beard wants to know where Picard is. Worf tells him that hopefully he'll follow soon, but for now they need to get Data to engineering. They bring Data down to engineering where Geordi explains that Data's systems are "just going crazy." He is dismayed that they don't have, "an expert, a Maddox" on board who could help Data. I don't know who or what "a Maddox" is but because they didn't have one Data dies.

Back down on Iconia Picard presses some buttons.

Over in Engineering, Data's eyes open and he sits up apparently completely fine, though he doesn't know why he's on the Enterprise. Riker With Beard's all like, "WHAT THE HELL?" and Geordi surmises that Data's self-correcting mechanism shut him down and erased all the Iconian program that was effecting his systems.

Riker With Beard wants to know if the same thing could be done on the Enterprise. Geordi doesn't know why they couldn't shut down the Enterprise and restore to factory settings to purge the Iconian program from their systems. He says that the only problem would be that they'd have to power the shields down as well. Riker With Beard expresses some concern over this due to the presence of the Romulan ship, but Geordi convinces him with nihilism, telling him, "Hey, Commander, whether it's Romulan phasers or our own warp engines, we're just as dead." This convinces Riker With Beard and Geordi is told to, "Make it so."

They reboot the Enterprise while meanwhile down on the planet, Picard seems to have successfully triggered a bunch of explosions.

The Enterprise reboots and in the teleportation chamber O'Brien locks onto Picard to beam him back aboard the Enterprise. Unfortunately for him though, Picard, not wanting to die in an exploding control center, randomly runs through the gateway and O'Brien loses his lock on him. This is because Picard is now aboard the Romulan ship where people are scurrying about and klaxons are wailing and some kind of message is blaring.

Back on the Enterprise O'Brien locates Picard on the Romulan ship causing Riker With Beard to bellow, "HOW IN THE HELL?!"

Over on the Romulan ship, Taurus accuses Picard of sabotaging her ship. She tells him that the self-destruct sequence has been activated and that she takes solace in knowing that Picard will die with them. Picard is smooth as fuck as he tells her, "Not, I think, today, Commander," a moment before he is beamed away.

Picard orders the bridge to move away since the Romulan ship is set to self-destruct and can't be shut off. Riker With Beard however, contacts the Romulan ship and tells Taurus how to purge their computer system. They receive and acknowledge the transmission but Riker With Beard still has Data haul ass in case the Hakona's engineer isn't as efficient as Geordi.

Picard then delivers what I assume to be an attempt at humor as he declares, "Well, Number One, I can see why you want to keep the away missions to yourself. That's where the excitement is. So, what's been happening here? Same old routine, I suppose?"

We then see the Enterprise leave orbit as Iconia continues to explode. A moment later the Hakona, now repaired, also leaves.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Since the majority of Riker With Beard's dialogue in this episode was just him bellowing "HELL!" and "DAMN!" I assume he was completely wrecked or had transformed into a 10 year old boy hanging out with his friends in the woods behind his elementary school. One of those two things because otherwise his constant bellows of "WHAT THE DAMN HELL?!" make little to know sense.

Final Thoughts
While a perfectly cromulent episode of Star Trek to watch in reruns while preparing and consuming a sorrow meal (a can of soup eaten directly out of the pot with a serving spoon or something comparable), there was nothing here that has any bearing on this academic study. No one fucked. There was no horniness. There was no subtextual horniness. It was just your standard space adventurers have space adventures in space episode.

Fuck Count
Another absolute zero on the fuck front with this one. To be most forthright, I'm becoming somewhat discouraged at the lack of horniess that's going on this season. There were a couple REAL HORNY episodes early on and then it completely fell off. We're at the halfway point here and it is my hope that things pick up in the back half since I don't know how much more of this chaste bullshit I can handle.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)