Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E12 - The Royale

This is yet another review of an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but this isn't your run of the mill Star Trek review site. Nay, dear readers, this is the only scientific exploration into precisely how many times the various crew memebers of the USS Enterprise boldly went where no one had gone before. It's the Star Trek Fuck Report~!

Today we're continuing our deep dive into the much maligned second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, more specifically the 12th episode of that season, The Royale which premiered on March 27, 1989.

Preexisting Prejudices

I personally don't remember anything about this episode but in the Medium article I've mentioned before that ranks each and every episode of TNG, this episode is ranked at #166 (out of 168) with the author stating in the blurb about this particularly episode, "You know this episode is bad because Picard has to read the novel it’s based on and his face looks like he’s being forced to eat lemons. Don’t watch and miss nothing," Oh but if it were that simple! Unfortunately for me, the author of that particular Medium article did not research whether or not anyone fucked in this episode, so it looks like I'm in for a particularly dire 45 minutes. The things I do for science...

Plot Synopsis

As is the case with nearly every Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, we begin with Captain Picard explaining the adventure hook via the Captain's Log. Today the Enterprise is orbiting the 8th planet of a previously unmapped solar system after a Klingon ship reported discovering pieces of a strange vessel in the planet's atmosphere and so the Enterprise went to investigate. I am a bit perplexed by this adventure hook since the planet was in an unmapped solar system and yet there was a Klingon ship just cruising about out there. Were they doing space cartography? That hardly seems like the sort of work that Klingons would be best suited for based on how they've been depicted on this show. 

If they weren't doing space cartography, then what were they doing there? How did they even know that solar system was there? Why did they have to mention the system being unmapped? Why does this bother me so much? I don't know!

Anyway, on the bridge, Geordi scans the planet and talks about how dick-fucking cold the planet is and how the atmosphere is methane and liquid neon and shit with winds up to 312 meters per second. It's about fucking time! The only other planet that I recall being not suitable for human life was that one that was being terraformed so that humans could live on it leading to some kind of showdown between terraformers and tiny crystalline entities. Every other goddamn planet has been perfectly fine for people to walk around on, which based on our own solar system does not seem to be the case for space writ large.

Geordi's scans the planet and detects some debris in the atmosphere. Riker With Beard doesn't really want to sit around while Geordi dicks around with scanners though so he leaves and tells Geordi to keep him informed because, "the sooner we find out what the Klingons think they saw, the sooner we can get the hell out of here." Riker With Beard sure loves PG-rated cussin' this season.

Riker With Beard goes into Picard's office where the captain is attempting to work out "Fermat's Last Theorem." Picard talks about how humbling it is that even with all the technological advancements they've made there's still this random-ass math problem that no one has been able to solve for 800 years. And here is why HARD SCIENCE! sci-fi is often stupid. I'm not going to claim to have known this beforehand since I never had any real interest in math and graduated from a liberal arts college, but when they started rambling about some random-ass math theorem I took out my phone, went to Askjeeves.com and asked Jeeves if Fermat's Last Theorem was a real thing.

It is and it was solved in 1994 (or 1995 if you are going by the date when the proof was published in an academic journal) by a British math-a-magician named Andrew Wiles. Like I said, I'm not even going to pretend to understand any of this shit, but if you're so inclined there's a Wikipedia page about the entire thing with links to far more scholarly examinations of it, but like I said, it's shit like this that makes these sort of hard science sci-fi works seem so dated. I'd much rather have space wizards doing things that have zero basis in reality because when you're bringing up real shit, it makes the HARD SCIENCE things stated in the episode retroactively seem dumb. But enough about that.

Riker With Beard tells Picard about the debris they located and informs him that he wants to beam it aboard to study. Picard is cool with this and tells him to, and I quote, "MAKE IT SO!"

A few minutes later, Riker With Beard and Picard are down in the teleportation chamber where Miles O'Brien beams a chunk of unit onto the Enterprise. Riker With Beard and O'Brien then go over to the chunk of unit and pick it up which seems a fairly caviler course of action to take with a random chunk of unit that beamed up out of the atmosphere of Poison To Humans: The Planet. The turn the chunk of unit around and show Picard the markings on the other side. HOLY FUCK! IT'S THE AMERICAN FLAG!

Picard tells Riker With Beard, "We've got ourselves a puzzle, Number One," to which Riker With Beard replies, "Yes sir, I think we have." TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good, good opening theme song we find the crew of the Enterprise having a staff meeting in the conference room. Data tells them that the markings on the ship indicate that it is indeed from Earth and based on the design is from the mid-21st century. Picard is skeptical since no ship from that time could have possibly made it this far out into space but Data insists that this is what their research seems to indicate also, though Data himself doesn't mention it, there was a spaceship with cryogenically frozen people from 20th century Earth on it randomly in deep space so I don't know why they are shocked by this turn of events.

Troi asks if he has any idea what could have destroyed the ship. Data tells her that it appears to have been disintegrated is if by a laser weapon from The Next Generation. Picard is perplexed by this and quotes Alice in Wonderland before Wesley Crusher calls on the phone and informs everyone that they've detected a large structure on the planet.

Out on the bridge Wesley explains that the structure is some kind of big-ass building "situated on a plain of frozen methane, smack in the middle of a tremendous storm belt."

Riker With Beard is utterly poleaxed by the fact that the building is surrounded by breathable air and Picard wants to know if there's any connection between the American spaceship they found and that building but Geordi doesn't know. Riker With Beard suggests going down to the planet to check it out. Picard is cool with this and a moment later Riker With Beard, Data, and Worf beam down onto the surface of the planet in that narrow patch of breathable air.

The planet is a darkened sound stage with nothing on it save for a single mid-20th century style rotating door. Data insists that, "The structure must be here, yet we cannot see it." In other words we got ourselves an invisible building. Really skimping on the set design budget with this one.

Riker With Beard phones it in and tells Picard what he's seeing. Picard tells him to just go through the goddamn door and so that's what Riker With Beard and the rest of the away team does entering a 1920s looking casino with a fuck ton of gamblors rolling dice and playing slots and shit. Clearly this was a set that was already on the Paramount lot. As soon as they enter the casino, the Enterprise loses their signal and cannot communicate with them.

Geordi tells Picard that he needs to, "recalibrate all the frequencies to find one that'll work," while meanwhile down on the planet, Data tells Riker With Beard that without communication they should beam up immediately, though there's a problem with his belief since they cannot control the teleportation chamber themselves and have to call the Enterprise to beam them up.

Riker's like, "Nah, let's have a look around instead!" and so they randomly look around. A bellboy informs them that if they're checking in they have to go to the front desk which they do. A manager, played by the dude who played Balki's boss on Perfect Strangers welcomes them to The Royale and assumes them to be a "trio of foreign gentlemen" that they were expecting.

The bellboy from earlier shows back up and asks Balki's Boss if Rita called. Balki's Boss tells him that she hadn't and that he needs to forget about Rita if he knows what's good for him. The bellboy informs Balki's Boss that he's not afraid of Mickey D (the fast food chain undoubtedly). Balki's Boss tells him he's an idiot if he's not afraid of McDonald's but the bellboy isn't hearing it. He tells Balki's Boss to let him know if Rita calls and then leaves.

Balki's Boss tells the away team that Rita is too much woman for the bellboy and that McDonald's will beat the fuck out of the bellboy if they find out that he's been up in Rita's business. He then gives Riker With Beard and Company the keys to their rooms and some complimentary casino chips.

Worf then asks him where they are and how Balki's Boss came to be there. Balki's Boss tells him that they are at the Royale and that his personal life is none of their business. Riker With Beard clarifies saying, "What he means is what planet is this?"

Balki's Boss is confused by this line of questioning but eventually tells them that they call this planet Earth and then asks what Riker With Beard calls it. Worf tells him that they call it "Theta VIII." Balki's Boss sarcastically tells them "How charming," before returning to his work sorting mail.

The away team then walks off with Data scanning the crowd of gamblors. Data tells Riker With Beard that no one in the crowd is emitting life signs. The music swells and Riker With Beard asks him what they are then as we head to commercial break.

Back from break Worf asks Data is the things in the casino are illusions or machines. Data tells him that they do exist so they aren't illusions and do not appear to be machines or actual humans. The dude who played C.D. Parker on Walker, Texas Ranger walks by and Data declares, "Take this creature, for example. He does not exhibit any DNA structure."

C.D. Parker overhears him and tells him, "Man, you sound just like my ex-wife," before wandering off due to the fact that it's, "Time to get down to business!" Data wonders what sort of business he could possibly be getting down to and wanders off after him.

Back on the Enterprise, Wesley Crusher and Geordi inform Picard that they are trying different encoding scnemes to circumvent the interference with their communications. Picard asks them if an intelligence could be the cause of it but Geordi doesn't know. Picard expresses concern that Riker hasn't followed procedure and returned to the beam down coordinates as soon as they lost communication, so I guess the thing I thought to be a plot hole earlier does get explained in a satisfactory fashion.

Troi tells Picard not to worry since she does not sense Riker being in any sort of danger and that if she had to pick one word to best describe his mood, "it would be 'amused.'" Picard is confused by this.

Back at The Royale, C.D. Parker from Walker Texas Ranger is sitting at a blackjack table next to a blonde lady. Data goes over to the table and the C.D. Parker from Walker Texas Ranger tells Data that he's going to teach him how to play the game. He puts his cowboy hat on Data who sits down and after being told that the game is blackjack, spouts off all the rules. He then shuffles the cards in a single hand to the amazement of the woman and C.D. Parker from Walker Texas Ranger.

The start playing cards and the lady gets nervous while C.D. Parker from Walker Texas Ranger (apparently known as "Texas" here because what else would he be known as) gives her pointers. He advises her to hit which she does but she goes over twenty-one. Texas also hits but he gets 21. Data meanwhile asks for a mess of cards while Texas advises him not to take such foolish risks. Data eventually gets "five card Charlie" or some shit which causes Texas to ask him if he's one of "them card countin' fellas."

Data replies, "The number of the cards and their values remain quite constant. What would be the purpose in counting them?"

At that moment, Riker With Beard walks over and tells Data that it's time to go. Data leaves with him and Texas asks for his hat back and offers to watch Data's chips for him.

Back on the bridge Picard talks to Geordi about the nature of the interference some more. Geordi talks about maybe laser blasting the atmosphere or some shit in order to make a phone call and wants to run some tests. "MAKE IT SO!" bellows Picard.

Meanwhile at the Royale, the away team tries to walk out through the revolving door but wind up back in the hotel. They try a second time but the results are the same. We've got some pocket dimension wonkiness up in here kids! Riker With Beard tells everyone to split up and look for another way out. Data and Riker try asking random denizens of the casino but get ignored. Worf, being Worf, just lasers a wall, but there's no effect and Data declares, "I believe we are trapped."

Back from break we check in with the Enterprise. Geordi informs Picard that he's almost gotten through the bullshit and reestablished communication. Troi, meanwhile, says that, "Commander Riker has become tense. Closed in, he's feeling trapped."

Down on the planet, Worf tells Riker With Beard that his phaser doesn't work on any of the surfaces in the casino. Riker With Beard says that if they're going to get out of there they're going to have to do it on their own and then goes to get some answers from Balki's Boss.

As Riker With Beard goes over to the counter, the bellboy from earlier gets a pistol out of a drawer but is seen by Balki's Boss who tells him to stop being an idiot and that he doesn't want to see him get hurt over some dame. The bellboy tells him not to call Rita a dame and that everyone is going to see how tough McDonald's actually is.

Riker With Beard comes over and demands some answers. He tells Balki's Boss that he wants to leave. Balki's Boss tells him that all exits are clearly marked but Riker With Beard ain't hearing it. Balki's Boss tells him that if he has any complaints Riker With Beard should bring them up with the manager. Riker With Beard channels his inner middle-class white lady and asks to speak with the manager but Balki's Boss tells him that the manager is very busy and leaves.

At that moment, Riker With Beard's phone rings. It's Picard. The call is still real garbled but clear enough for the two to converse. Picard wants to know why they haven't left yet and Riker With Beard tells him that they've tried but can't. He then tells Picard that they aren't in any sort of danger. Picard tells him that they are doing everything that they can to help. Riker With Beard tells him that they are standing by and then the communication cuts off. Up on the Enterprise Picard wonders what the fuck is going on.

In the Royale, Data informs Riker that he has detected some human DNA upstairs in the hotel. Worf suggests they use the TURBOLIFTS! and then we get some wacky, "Oh these Next Generation guys don't know how 20th century technology works" antics as they try to use a regular-ass elevator. Eventually they get it to work though and emerge a short time later in a hallway.

The crew follows the signal to the door of hotel room. Riker With Beard knocks but there's no response so Worf opens the door and the away team enter. Data tells them that the DNA reading is from inside the room. Riker With Beard pulls back the covers on the bed revealing a skeleton.

Data says the skeleton is clearly a human male, Riker With Beard speculates that he died in his sleep. "A terrible way to die!" opines Worf. Data says that the man has been dead for 283 years and that "the lack of any advanced decomposition is due to the sterile environment." What?! It's a goddamn skeleton. Where's this "lack of any advanced decomposition?"

Worf, meanwhile, opens a closet and finds a spacesuit. Riker With Beard recognizes it as an American uniform and Data says that because it has 52 stars that, "places it between 2033 and 2079 AD," which correlates with the chunk of unit they found earlier in the episode. They also learn that the dead man's name is "Colonel S. Richey." Good to know that in the next 13 years the United States is going to add two more states.

Picard then calls back and now the reception on their space phones seems a lot better. Riker With Beard explains the situation and how they are seemingly stuck. Picard tells him that they too have been unable to find a way to beam the away team back up. Riker With Beard is like, "That makes sense," and then tells Picard about the body they found, asking him to search their databases for a Col. S. Richey.

Worf finds a paperback in the bedside table titled Hotel Royale which Riker With Beard tells Data to read and summarize. While he is reading it (aka flipping through pages rapidly) Picard informs Riker With Beard that they found the records of a Colonel Stephen G. Richey, the commanding officer aboard some spaceship that launched on July 23, 2037. Picard explains that it was the third manned attempt to leave the confines of Earth's solar system but after its telemetry failed it was never heard from again.

Riker With Beard tells Picard of the novel they discovered which Data summarizes. Riker With Beard explains that the plot of the novel, "seems to be exactly what's happening at this hotel." He then tells Picard that they have also discovered a diary with only one entry written by Colonel Richey.

Riker reads the entry which reveals that Richey's spaceship was infected by an alien lifeform which killed everyone except him and later he awoke to find himself in the Hotel Royale exactly as it was described in the shitty paperback novel that they had aboard their spaceship. Richey explains that the aliens must have created the hotel for him out of a sense of guilt and assumed based on the sole novel aboard their spaceship that that was the way humans lived and interacted with each other oblivious to the cliched characters and ludicrously shallow plots. Richey goes on to write that he lived there for 38 years and compares it to hell and saying that he would "welcome death when it comes."

Picard says that he now understands how the hotel came to be but still doesn't know why the away team can't leave.

During the commercial break Geordi apparently devised a means of extracting the away team from the casino. Picard explains it to Riker With Beard. It involves lasering the shit out of the bubble of breathable air in order to beam them back onto the Enterprise. Data's like, "We would have 12 seconds before the atmosphere killed us." Dr. Grandma confirms that they would be frozen almost instantly but could theoretically be revived once aboard the Enterprise.

Riker With Beard tells Picard that if he was trying to motivate them to find a way to escape on their own he's succeeded. After some more "LOL! People from the Next Generation don't understand 20th century colloquialism!" hilarity, Riker With Beard sends Worf and Data back to the lobby while he explores the rest of the hotel.

Meanwhile in Picard's office he and Troi begin to read the novel Hotel Royale. It beings with "It was a dark and stormy night," and Troi, being a "glass half full" sort of gal opines that, "It may get better."

SPOILER ALERT!

It does not.

Back in the casino Data suggest to Worf that they try to blend in with the other guests and try to learn something useful. Data goes back to the blackjack table and chats up Texas again asking him where he's from and how he got to the hotel ("Lubbock, Texas" and in his "'91 Caddy" respectively). This throwaway line of dialogue confuses me even more since it's clear that the novel is supposed to be a shitty noir novel about the 1950s so why does Texas have a 1991 Caddy "with only 80,000 miles on it" which implies that a 1991 car is not even a new car. When in the fuck is Hotel Royale supposed to be?

Data seems less concerned by this, instead asking Texas where his car is ("out front") and whether or not they could go out and see it. Texas tells him that he's trying to help the blonde from earlier turn her luck around. Data says that he thinks they are all trapped inside the casino. Texas says, "Sure does seem that way when you're losing, don't it?" Texas then seemingly gives the blonde lady some bad gambling advice and she loses another hand. She says that she's nearly lost everything and Texas comforts her.

Riker With Beard comes back to the lobby as Balki's Boss tells the bellboy that Rita had called and was crying. McDonald's then enters the lobby, looking nothing like a clown or Ray Kroc or anything. Here the fast food chain is represented by a cliched mobster in a white suit.

He and the bellboy get into it and Balki's Boss tells them to take it outside but they don't. On the Enterprise, Troi and Picard are listening in to this exchange and Troi cannot believe that humans ever talked like these two jokers. Picard tells her to remember it all came from a "second-rate novel."

Eventually "I'm Lovin' It!" McDonald's and the bellboy agree to "take it outside." As the bellboy walks towards the revolving door, McDonald's takes out a gun and puts him on blast. He then walks past the bellboy's corpse and tells it, "You should have listened to me, kid. No woman's worth dying for. Killing for, not dying for."

McDonald's then walks through the revolving doors and vanishes and Riker With Beard immediately is like "YO PICARD WTF?! HOW DID HE DO THAT?!" Picard tells him, "It's on page 244."

Riker With Beard asks Picard to summarize the end of the novel which Picard does, telling him that there is, "a bad love affair ends in a bloody shoot-out, the hotel gets bought out, and life goes on, such as it is." Riker With Beard asks who purchases the hotel and Picard tells him that it's not specific just referring to them as foreign investors and that they purchased the hotel for $12.5 million and then went back home leaving Balki's Boss in charge.

Riker With Bead is amped as fucked and exclaims, "That's how we're getting out. We're buying this place!"

Back from break Data explains the game of craps. Riker With Beard asks him if he can win $12.5 million playing craps. Data thinks he can. He shoots some craps, but doesn't do to well out of the gate. Data tells Riker With Beard that, "these cubes are improperly balanced."

Riker With Beard asks Data if he can fix them. He can and does so by squeezing them. Data then goes on a tear winning a shit ton of rolls much to the delight of Texas and the blonde lady. Picard phones and asks Riker With Beard how it's going. Riker With Beard informs him that it's going pretty good but Picard warns him to stay in character as, "The foreign investors in the book are described as flamboyantly generous."

Data looks to make one last roll, betting enough to win the $12.5 million they need, but Riker With Beard tells him to bet it all. Data is confused but Riker With Beard tells him, "We need some spreading around money, Data." He gives some money to the cocktail waitresses and to the blonde lady with Texas saying that, "When the train comes in everybody rides."

Texas, however, is of the mind that Data's luck has to be running out and decides to bet against him. Data advises against doing that, but Texas is insistent. Of course Data wins again. Texas is like, "You knew you were going to throw that seven, didn't you? You just let me go down the tube." Data tells him that he tried to warn him and Texas asks him if it was because he wouldn't show Data his car.

Riker With Beard then tells Balki's Boss that they're buying the hotel for $12.5 million and that Balki's Boss should spread the remaining money around to the other gamblors and staff. Balki's Boss is like, "Ho shit! You're the foreign investors!"

Texas tells them that he likes their style and wants to buy them a drink but Riker With Beard declines and tells him to enjoy the game but not to let the casino change the dice. The away team then walks through the revolving door out onto the otherwise empty sound stage where they are beamed back onto the Enterprise.

Back on the Enterprise, Riker With Beard visits Picard in his office. Riker With Beard, still can't understand how Richey's ship got this far out into space. Picard theorizes that maybe the aliens who made the fantasy casino, brought the ship out her unaware of how fragile human life is. He then wraps things up by saying "Like Femat's theorem, it's a puzzle we may never solve...or like Femat's theorem it might be solved by a British math-a-magician five or six years after this episode airs. Who knows!"

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

Considering the fact that Riker With Beard spent the bulk of the episode in a casino, watching Data throw dice while there were cocktail waitresses hanging about it is highly unlikely that Riker With Beard was not 700% hammered by the time he and the rest of the away team walked out through that revolving door to get beamed back up.

Final Thoughts

Sure the cavalcade of guest stars from shitty network television shows I watched reruns of in my youth was fun, but other than that? This episode sucked ALL THE ASS! No fucking and no danger. A complete garbage episode.

Fuck Count

No fucking except for how fucking bad this episode was.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0

Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)

Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)