Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E19 - Manhunt

Riker With Beard getting it on with a space Irishwoman in the previous episode has reinvigorated my desire to continue my studies in the exciting field of Star Trek Fuckology. Today we're going to take a look at the 19th episode of season 2, Manhunt which first aired on June 19, 1989.

Preexisting Prejudices

The plot description says that this one is about Troi's mom showing up on the Enterprise so I'm guessing there will be some horniness with a side order of tedium so strap yourselves in boys and girls!

Plot Synopsis

The episode begins with Picard dropping a Captain's Log informing us that they are picking up some diplomats to take them to a conference on the planet Pacifica which sounds like a planet they have mentioned before on this show. The diplomats they are picking up are looking to join the Federation apparently.

Picard has his space dress on since these diplomats are super important apparently. An onscreen graphic informs me that Mick Fleetwood of Fleetwood Mack will be showing up in this episode unless there's some actor who has the exact same name as him. 

Picard goes to the teleportation chamber where a gaggle or main characters, including Wesley Crusher, are chilling hard. Picard tells Wesley that he's invited him there because few humans have ever seen whatever race these aliens are in the flesh and thought that Wesley might find it interesting.

Teleportation happens and a pair of Admiral Ackbars are beamed aboard with a barrel. Picard welcomes them to the Enterprise, but they just stand there. Wesley asks if they are alright and Picard tells him that they prefer to undertake space travel in stasis to deal "with the trauma of spaceflight."

Doctor Grandma scans them and says that they are in good enough condition. For the duration of the trip to Pacifica they will remain in stasis. Doctor Grandma says that she needs some time to fine tune the facilities she prepared for them because their physiology is so weird and asks if O'Brien can "store them for a few hours."

He tells her that he can and Picard tells Worf to provide security before leaving. Wesley then opens the barrel and asks what the stuff flopping about inside is. Doctor Grandma tells him it's their food and that when they come out of stasis they're going to be hungry as fuck and eat a ton of it. Worf stoically declares, "What a handsome race!" Worf rules.

Later on the bridge, Riker With Beard asks Wesley what he thought of the Admiral Ackbars. Wesley's a dumb idiot and is like, "They sure were funny looking a-hyuck!" 

Data calls Wesley out for his racism and says that "judging a being by its physical appearance is the last major human prejudice." Picard agrees and says that he's certain that to the Admiral Ackbars humans are equally gross.

Worf interrupts all this to inform Picard that they are being hailed by a transport vessel. Troi mutters, "Oh my God. What's she doing here?"

They turn on the space TV phone and a pilot is yelling about about how they have a VIP passenger who demands to talk to them. Troi's Mom appears and tells the pilot to let her talk to them because she's more articulate than he is. Troi is disgusted as Data informs everyone that they are receiving orders from Starfleet granting Troi's Mom full ambassadorial status. Riker jokes that Picard is going to have to put his dress uniform back on. Troi implores her, to not do this to her. 

"Do what to you, Little One?" Troi's Mom replies before adding, "Oh Jean-Luc...what naughty thoughts! But how wonderful you still think of me like that!" LET THE HORNINESS BEGIN!

After that good, good theme song we head to the teleportation chamber where Troi is complaining about her mom but Picard says that, "it will be pleasant to have her as a guest of the Enterprise again."

Troi's Mom beams onto the ship and starts yelling about her legs, demanding to know where they are. Troi tells her that they are where they belong, right under her. Her mom complains about teleportation and then get scared by the Admiral Ackbars that are being stored in the corner. Riker With Beard explains that they are delegates for the conference. Troi's Mom is racist, saying that the last time he saw something like that, "it was being served on a plate."

She then tells Picard that she wasn't aware that he had such handsome legs. She then tells them that her manservant is waiting to be beamed aboard and so that Lurch looking motherfucker, Mr. Homn, gets beamed aboard with a big-ass suitcase. She says she's kept Mr. Homn on even though he's always perving on her all the time.

Mr. Homn starts to pick up the suitcase but Troi's Mom tells him to put it down because they can't deny Picard the honor of carrying her bag. Picard, remembering how heavy her bag was says that he won't interfere with Homn's duties. She tells him that she's a telepath so he cannot lie to her so Riker With Beard offers to carry her suitcase but he cannot manage to lift it up. COMEDY GOLD!

He eventually manages to pick it up and the group heads to Troi's Mom's quarters. Troi's Mom telepathically tells Troi that Riker With Beard has nice legs too and asks if he belongs to Troi. Troi telepathically tells her mom that "humans no longer own each other that way." Her mom says that it's a custom they may have to reintroduce.

They eventually go to her quarters and Homn picks up the case that Riker With Beard struggled to carry with the greatest of ease. Picard excuses himself but before he leaves, Troi's Mom invites him to a Betazoid dinner. "It is an ambassadorial function," she tells him.

Picard happily accepts and leaves. Once Picard is gone, Troi's Mom says that Picard is a solid reliable man if a bit stuffy. Troi scolds her for eyeing up Picard like she's "sizing up a commodity." She tells  Troi that that's what men are, especially human men and then asks Troi if her father was ever unhappy with her.

Troi tells her that her father worshiped her but then says that she doesn't think she'll ever see men the way she does. Troi's Mom tells her that she will as she matures and that the men in her life will love her for it.

Back on the bridge, Wesley is regaling the bridge crew with tales of Troi's Mom, explaining with disbelief that "she actually complimented Captain Picard on his legs!" Data is somewhat perplexed by the fact that Troi's Mom, as a telepath, is not more discreet and Riker With Beard tells him that it's "exactly the opposite. She knows what's on your mind and let's you know what' on hers."

Picard reminds them that she's an ambassador and even though she's weird and horny they should knock off the "locker room talk" and treat her with the appropriate level of respect. He then calls Doctor Grandma on the space phone to ask about the Admiral Ackbars. They are still both knocked the fuck out. Picard then fucks off to his quarters but before leaving reminds the rest of the dudes on the bridge that "it will be a dress uniform dinner gentlemen." None of them know what he's talking about as they were not invited to any dinner.

Later, Picard, in formal attire, is walking down a hall with a bottle of blue Powerade when he runs into Doctor Grandma. He asks her if she's attending the dinner tonight with the rest of them and she tells him that she's already eaten.

Picard visits Troi's Mom's quarters and is met by her Lurch looking motherfucker of a manservant. Picard gives him the bottle of Powerade and he promptly chugs the entire thing. Picard asks him where everyone else is at first assuming that he's merely a little early but then Troi's Mom enters in a dress that shows off the goods and in a husky fuck-voice declares, "Hello Jean-Luc, so glad you could come..."

AW YE YE! Captain Picard's gonna get FUCKED!

After an ad break we check back in on Picard and Troi's Mom. She proposes a toast to "Earthmen, who, despite their faults, have the unique ability to charm women of all races in all corners of the galaxy." Picard thanks her on behalf of all Earthmen, "which is indeed an awesome responsibility."

Troi's Mom must be high as fuck because he pupils are insanely dilated. Maybe it's some Betazoid feature I didn't notice in her earlier appearance but it's super noticeable here. She's horny as fuck and wants to jump Picard's bones but Picard is chaste as hell and wants nothing to do with the horny alien lady so Picard tries to change the topic and talk about the annoying bell that Troi's Mom's manservant is ringing while they eat. She doesn't know about it so Picard calls Data to ask him if any other species also use a bell at meals. Data drops some factoids and so Data invites him to join them for dinner in order to explain further.

Troi's Mom asks Picard, "How could you possibly think I would want to share our special time together with that...that...robot of yours?" Picard tells her that Data's a great conversationalist and that "his anecdotes are the stuff of legends aboard this ship." We then cut to Troi's Mom looking bored as fuck while Data talks about math shit. This is a pretty good sitcom level gag.

Out in the hallway, Troi runs into Doctor Grandma and explains that her mom is going through something called "The Phase" which makes Betazoid women horny as fuck. After finding out that Picard is alone with her at dinner she becomes concerned and wants to go an warn him but Doctor Grandma thinks that Picard needs to get his dick wet and tells Troi to leave them alone.

Troi doesn't seem to care though and in the next scene she enters her mother's quarters as Data seems to be giving a TED Talk about planets with a Power Point presentation and shit. She apologizes for interrupting, but her mom is stoked that she's there. Picard excuses himself and Data offers to stay and finish his presentation but Troi's Mom is insistent that he leaves too.

Out in the hall Picard tells Data that he will never know how much he owes him for helping him avoid having sex. Data is confused and offers to tell some more anecdotes but Picard doesn't want to hear them.

Troi then talks to her mom about her horniness and asks her why she would come onto a ship when she's in this state. Troi asks her what she's going to do and her mom tells her she's going to fuck Picard. Troi tells her not to even think about it, but Troi's Mom is like, "Why not? He was thinking about it all through dinner."

Later in Picard's office, Picard tells Troi that the accuracy of her mom's telepathy kind of sucks ass. Troi says that generally she's quite advanced but now she's gone fuck crazy so it's kind of messed up. Troi and Riker With Beard explain "The Phase" to Picard.

Riker With Beard has a shit-eating grin on his face as he declares, "It's something Troi warned me about when we first started to see each other. A Betazoid woman, when she goes through this phase, quadruples her sex drive."

"Or more," says Troi.

"Or more? You never told me that," says Riker With Beard, his interest piqued.

Troi tells him that he didn't want to frighten him before explaining that her mother has decided to focus all of her sexual energy on one man who will become her husband. She then tells Picard that he has become "the early favorite."

Riker With Beard is clearly drunk as fuck as he's cracking up over this and bellowing, "Congratulations sir!" but Picard is not amused. He wants to find some way to tell Troi's Mom, "No," without offending her, but Troi explains that if he were to spurn her it would be seen as a personal insult, so Picard decides to hide out until Troi's Mom is off the ship and he's going to do some by fucking around as a 1940s detective on the Holodeck.

Fuck it's more Dixon Hill bullshit.

After selecting the program, Picard enters the Holodeck and Dixon Hill's office. He is greeted by his secretary and Picard tells her that it's good to see her again. She responds, "You make it sounds like you ain't seen me in a year." HA HA! Get it?! It's been a year since the last Dixon Hill episode. COMEDY GOLD!

She tells him that he had two calls and she left them on his desk. He asks if they are new cases, but she replies that they haven't had a new case in a long time and that it was the landlord looking for Geedis...

This guy I guess?

Picard doesn't understand so she explains that he wants the rent. Also she wants to get paid. She tells him that she understands things have been hard since he got out of the hospital but she has bills to pay too. Picard tells her that he'd better get a case then and heads into his office. Picard then unwinds by putting his feet up on the desk and listening to old timey music.

Meanwhile in Troi's Mom's quarters Troi's Mom is annoyed that Picard is busy with "ship's business" and therefore unable to fuck. She tells Troi that if Picard's unavailable she'll have to consider her alternate plan. Troi is nervous about this.

Back in Dixon Hill's office, a 1940s heavy named Slade Bender goes into Hill's office. After some dumb conversation he tells Picard that he's here to kill him. He hits the pause button as the dude draws his gun and tells Computer that he was "here to relax, not dodge bullets." He explains that he wants "more ambiance, less substance," and so Computer creates a new scenario but again some 1940s gangster comes in and threatens to maim Picard. 

Picard again hits pause and tells Computer, "Computer, this still isn't right. One kind of violence is being substituted for another. Reconfigure."

The third attempt is also a strike as Slade comes bursting back in with a Tommy gun. Picard's like "Computer WTF? All these scenarios are far too violent!" and Computer explains that the program's limited to the parametes of the Dixon Hill novels.

Meanwhile in the teleportation chamber, Worf is still horny for the Admiral Ackbars telling Wesley about their dignity and "graceful countenance." Wesley still isn't convinced so Worf asks him if he felt the same way about him when he first met him. Wesley admits that he did a little but adds that now that he's seen more Klingons he's come to think of Worf as "handsome for a Klingon." Wesley quickly realizes how racists as fuck that sounds but Worf is unable to tear him from limb to limb because Troi's Mom comes in with her manservant.

She still wants to eat the Admiral Ackbars but then turns her attention to Wesley. She thinks he's a good looking kid but tells him that she doesn't have time to wait for him to mature into a man. She then looks at Worf and gets turned on by his primal thoughts which is something she likes in a man.

"I am not a man," says Worf.

She says that that is a benefit since men are often irrational and egotistical. She then says that it's a pity she's grown so accustomed to human companionship. She and her manservent then leave. Wesley wonders what all that horniness was about.

Picard has apparently just been chilling in Hill's office with the program on pause because as he goes to leave the office he forgets that his secretary is paused and has Computer unpause her to say goodbye before he leaves the office.

She asks him if he's going to "Rex's Bar." Picard says it sounds like an excellent idea and then invites her to join him. She seems surprised by this as he's never invited her out for drinks before. She agrees but then hands him a pistol, telling him that he's going to need it if they are going to Rex's Bar.

In Rex's Bar, "Moonlight Serenade" plays. Rex greets Picard and asks him if her heard that the Nazis were preparing to invade England. The secretary asks Rex who is going to stop them and says that she hopes it isn't America because "the last thing America needs to do is fight in another world war."

Picard decides to stop role playing and tells the NPCs about how even though World War II was a real shit-show if ended with America becoming a world power for the second half of the 20th century and was "a catalyst for technological advancement" some of which still "resonate in the 24th century."

They both look at him like he's drunk or crazy but Rex pours him a drink anyway. Rex then explains that he has a problem with someone named Jimmy Cuzzo. Apparently Rex and Dixon Hill testified against him and now he's looking for revenge. Rex hopes that if Jimmy Cuzzo sees them together he'll leave Rex alone. Picard asks Rex what if it doesn't and Rex replies, "Then you just have to kill him," because violence is always the answer in the land of Dixon Hill.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Doctor Grandma calls to let them know that the Admiral Ackbars have been moved to sick bay. Troi's Mom and her manservant then wander onto the bridge and Troi's outraged. "You can't just stroll onto the bridge wherever you feel like it!" she shouts.

Her mom tells her that she didn't "stroll on" she "took the TURBO TUBE or whatever you call it." Man that's such a better name for it that TURBOLIFT!!! Back when I was a small lad I had some RPG game for the Nintendo Entertainment System titled, Swords & Serpents. Anyway in that game there were teleporters that were called "ZOOM TUBES" and whenever you stepped on one the text on the screen would read "ZOOM TUBE ACTIVATED!" I've not thought about Zoom Tubes being activated or Swords & Serpents in many years so thanks for those memories Troi's Mom.

ZOOM TUBE ACTIVATED!

She asks where Picard is but Riker With Beard tells her that he is busy elsewhere. Troi uses her X-Man powers to ask her mom what she's up to. Troi's Mom telepathically tells her that she's not scheming but rather deciding. She looks at Riker With Beard and Troi tells her, "Not him." Her mom wants to know why not deeming Riker With Beard to be "adorable."

Doctor Grandma then calls back to tell Riker With Beard that the Admiral Ackbars are starting to wake up and will be fully conscious in a few hours. Riker With Beard says that he'll go inform the Captain. She says that that is wonderful since he can also inform the Captain about the two of them. Riker With Beard is perplexed and so Troi's Mom explains to him that the two of them are to be married once they reach Pacifica.

Troi's Mom then leaves to prepare for the wedding. Troi yells at Riker With Beard for not doing anything and Riker With Beard tells her that he'll leave it up to the Captain. She calls him a coward. Data then asks to accompany Riker With Beard to the Holodeck. Riker With Beard is cool with it and Data asks for five minutes.

"No problem," says Riker With Beard.

Meanwhile in Rex's Bar Picard is flirting with his secretary when a shadowy figure appears in the frosted glass door of Rex's Bar. Everyone thinks it's Jimmy Cuzzo but it's just Data dressed like a goddamn gangster. He's accompanied by Riker With Beard who's just dressed in his uniform.

Riker With Beard apologizes for interrupting but needed to tell him that the Admiral Ackbars had woken up. Picard stands up to leave but his secretary is like, "You can't leave Rex alone to face Jimmy Cuzzo!" He promises to return before Cuzzo shows up but instead everyone stays for a drink.

Picard introduces his colleagues as "Nails from Chicago" (Riker) and Carlos "from South America" (Data). He then introduces Madeline (his sectary) and "Just Rex" to Riker and Data. As they drink Riker explains that Troi's Mom wants to marry him now. Rex doesn't think that seems like a bad deal since she's rich and beautiful.

Troi's Mom then uses Computer to locate Riker and goes to the Holodeck. She's initially a little peeved at both Picard and Riker With Beard but Rex soon attracts her attention mostly because she cannot read his mind on account of him not having one. She and Rex go over to a table to talk and Riker With Beard wonders if they should tell her the truth about Rex. Picard says that they should but that they should let her enjoy herself first.

Meanwhile in Sick Bay, the Admiral Ackbars are wildin' out and screaming about food. Worf opens the food barrel and shoves his hands into it with great gusto to serve the Admiral Ackbars their food, but the two aliens dive into the barrel headfirst.

Back in Rex's Bar it's time to go. Picard asks Troi's Mom if she is coming or not. She tells him not yet as she and Rex are going to get married. Picard tells her that he has a duty to deliver her to the conference on time and that is what he is going to do. She tells Rex that she'll be back for him and then leaves with Picard. As they leave the Holodeck, Picard tells her, "There's something you ought to know about Rex..."

Later in a hallway, Troi's Mom is annoyed that she was allowed to lust over a computer program like that but Troi tells her that she always thought her mom liked surprises. They go into the teleportation chamber and Troi's Mom is surprised that the Admiral Ackbars are still there.

Riker With Beard tells her that she thought they'd want to beam down together since they are all going to the same conference. She tells Riker With Beard that the two Admiral Ackbars aren't delegates but rather terrorists whose robes are lined with high explosives that are nearly undetectable by the Enterprises teleporter. Data conducts a scan and determines that Troi's Mom is correct. She's like "Of course I am! They were planning on blowing up the entire conference."

Worf hauls the Admiral Ackbars off to the brig for some enhanced interrogation and Troi's Mom is like, "Well, I didn't find a mate, but I saved the conference and your reputations. All in a day's work I suppose."

She then starts to beam down and as she fades out she once again chides Picard for thinking horny thoughts about her. And that's the episode...

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

Is alcohol on the Holodeck real or not because we straight up see him drinking on the job if it is. Other than that though he was inappropriately laughing at everything that happened because of Troi's Mom's horniness which means he was probably hammered because I was stone cold sober when I watched this episode and didn't laugh a single time.

Final Thoughts

This episode combined my two least favorite flavors of Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes (Going to Olden Times on the Holodeck episodes and Troi's Mom episodes) into one melange of garbage, more over there was never any real conflict. None of the cliffhangers before the commercial breaks ever had any tension because it was either goofy, "this is fake because it's basically Picard playing a video game" or it was "Troi's Mom is SOOOO horny and everyone in the scene is laughing." The bit about the Admiral Ackbars being terrorists came out of nowhere so it wasn't even like that could have been used to give the episode any sort of tension at all either. Overall this was a terrible episode of TV and I am angry that I watched it.

Fuck Count

The reason I began this scientific study all those months ago was that while on a business trip I saw two back-to-back episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation that were incredibly horny. I had not seen the show in years and was shocked by how horny it was. Somehow that surprise at the overall horniness caused me to wonder which character fucked the most and thus the Star Trek Fuck Report was born.

While there was no fucking to be seen in this episode, this was definitely an episode that one could point to when making the argument that Star Trek: The Next Generation is one of the horniest sci-fi shows to ever air on television.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0

Total Fucks for Season: 8 (+1~3)

Total Fucks for Series: 14 (+1~3)