Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E02 - The Ensigns of Command

It's been a hot minute since I've conducted a scientific study into the horniness of Star Trek: The Next Generation and think it's time to rectify that situation. Today we're going to take a look at the second episode of the third season, "The Ensigns of Command," which first aired on October 2, 1989. So strap in , it's time to get buck wild...in space.

Preexisting Prejudices

I don't remember this episode based on the episode description Netflix's got going on so I don't have any strong feelings about this episode one way or another.

Plot Synopsis

We kick shit off in Ten Forward with O'Brien warming up on a cello while a Vulcan and some medical officer lady play violins. Data shows up also with a violin and goes over to Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher, who are sitting at a nearby table. He tells them that they should probably come back for the second performance when Ensign Ortiz will be replacing him on the violin. He goes on to explain that even though he is technically proficient at the violin he lacks soul according to his fellow performers.

Dr. Beverly Crusher is a classic mom and is like, "Data, telling us why you're going to fail before you make the attempt is never wise."

Data is like, "I thought that honest is the best policy," but Picard tells him that sometimes being too honest "can be disastrous, particularly in a commander." He goes on to tell Data that it's fine to know one's limitations but "advertising them to a crew can damage your credibility as a leader."

"Because you will lose their confidence?" asks Data.

Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that he might also start believing those limitations himself. Data nods knowingly and then goes and joins the other musicians and starts playing some sort of Mozart jam that people who know about classical music shit probably know the name of but I am not one of those people so I don't but it's a thing I've heard before so it's probably pretty famous.

As the song begins, Riker With Beard calls Picard on his space cellphone to tell him that they're getting a message from Shelly Ack Corporation. Picard seems annoyed by this as he gets up and walks out of the bar. As he leaves, Data notices and sort of goofs up his playing.

Picard heads up to the bridge where Worf confirms that the message is indeed from the Shelly Ack Corporation. Riker With Beard says that the Shelly Ack haven't communicated with the Federation for 111 years and wonders why they're doing it now.

The turn on the big space TV phone and instead of an alien deal being on the TV phone there's random text to speech stuff thing poppin' off about how "there are humans on the fifth planet of Tau Cygna," even though that planet was ceded to the Shelly Ack Corporation in the Treaty of Armens. They will begin settlement in four days and demand the humans settled there be removed. The message repeats so Picard has Worf turn it off.

Riker With Beard tells Picard that Tau Cygna Five is totally fucked over with "heavy concentrations of hyperonic radiation." Picard then explains to those of us who do not know what this shit is all about, "Humans can't survive in that environment! Exposure to hyperonic radiation is fatal!"

Riker With Beard opines that "the Shelly Ack are asking us to chase ghosts."

Picard isn't so sure and declares that "an investigation is in order," before telling them to set a course of Tau Cygna Five. Talk about a cold open!

After that good, good theme song we check back in on the Enterprise, which is orbiting some random brown planet. On the bridge of the ship, Worf tells Picard that they have detected human lifeform readings on the planet. Picard wants to know how many but Worf tells him that it's impossible to tell because the radiation is "disrupting our sen-sores." Nice pronunciation of the word "sensors" there bud.

Data and Worf explain that the radiation is interfering with the ship's transporters and phasers. Riker With Beard wonders how humans could possibly survive in such an environment but Dr. Beverly Crusher says that there's data to suggest that humans could adapt to radiation "with extensive viral therapy."

Picard tells everyone that they need to get whoever is on the planet off lest the Shelly Ack do so, "forcefully." The Shelly Ack consider humans to be a lower form of life and therefore "would have no compunctions about exterminating," them. Since Data is unaffected by radiation Picard orders him to take a shuttle down to the surface and get the people there to evacuate.

Data heads off and Picard asks Riker With Beard what he thinks Data will find down there. Riker With Beard guesses that it's probably a lone survey ship with "maybe a dozen or so survivors."

A short while later, the shuttlecraft has landed on a soundstage surrounded by styrofoam cliffs. A couple of weirdos in capes approach the shuttle, which has its door open. The two weirdos determine that shuttle is a Federation ship as Data shows up and greets the two weirdos.

One of the weirdos tells Data that they saw his ship and that he's "the first visitor we've had in..." before the second weirdo interrupts and says, "the first visitor we've ever had." They then state the obvious and tell Data that he is not human.

Data tells them that he's an android and that he is from the Federation Starship Enterprise. The weirdos are stoked because their great-grandparents were citizens of the Federation but then add that Data probably doesn't "want to waste time" talking to them but would rather want to talk to someone named Goshavan. They offer to take Data to him.

One of the weirdos tells Data that he thinks the Federation will be proud of them for all they've accomplished. Data asks him who he means by "us," and the weirdo tells him that they are the "descendants of the original settlers from the colony ship Artemis."

Data phones in this info to the Enterprise and Riker With Beard tells him that the Artemis was launched 92 years ago and its destination was Septimus Minor but after they failed to check in Starfleet launched an extensive search. Picard wants to know how the Artemis could have ended up so far afield of their destination but Data tells him that the cape weirdos didn't know since in the early days on the planet, "survival was more important than history."

Picard understands and wants to know how many people there are on the planet. Data tells him that there are 15,253 people on the planet and Picard is completely poleaxed. With only three days and no transporters it will be impossible to get everyone off of the planet in time. Picard asks about possibly using shuttles but Worf tells him that by using all available shuttles and loading them to maximum capacity the evacuation will take over four weeks.

With no other options left, Picard tells Worf to call Shelly Ack while Data is to prepare the colonists to evacuate.

Back on the planet the cape weirdos bring Data to the town square where he meets Goshavan. Data explains the dire situation and how the Shelly Ack Corporation will wreck their shit but Goshavan isn't hearing it. He talks about all the blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into making the planet into their home and says that they aren't willing to leave. He tells Data to go back to his ship and leave so Data turns to go but someone throws a hammer at him that he catches with ease.

We then see that the person who threw it was a woman dressed in inventor attire from a Japanese RPG game for the Sony Playstation. She apologizes for testing him like that but wanted to see what he was capable of. Goshavan dickishly mocks her for being horny for robots calling Data her "new toy," but she takes him literally and tells Goshavan that Data is "the most incredible android" she has ever seen. Data asks her if she has seen many androids.

"Actually no. You are the first," she replies.

Goshavan mocks her some more for being horny about "a walking calculator," but she ignores him and starts drilling Data for information about his specs. Data tells her that he doesn't have time to answer a million questions because he has a mission to accomplish and needs to know more about the colony but Goshavan seems like too much of a dick to talk to him anymore.

The woman offers to help Data and introduces herself as Adrian. Goshavan glowers from afar about this development.

Back on the Enterprise, Geordi and O'Brien enter the conference room. Riker With Beard tells them that they are being given an assignment and the one thing they don't want to hear is that it's impossible. Picard then tells them that they need the transporters to work despite the radiation present on the planet.

Geordi starts to say that it's impossible but stops himself and tells Picard, "Yes sir," before leaving with O'Brien.

After they leave Riker With Beard and Troi talk to Picard about how hard it's going to be to negotiate with the Shelly Ack Corporation with Troi informing him, "When the treaty was first negotiated the Federation sent three hundred and seventy two legal experts." She then asks him, "What do we have?" Picard tells her that all they've got is she and him.

Later on the bridge, Worf finally is able to get the Shelly Ack Corporation on the space TV phone. The guy they get on the line looks like a Swamp Thing or an orang minyak or (insert the vaguely human shaped sludge creature pop culture reference of your choice here). Picard tries to negotiate with the Shelly Ack Corporation representative but they are not having it reminding Picard that there are three days to remove the humans from the planet. He tries to offer a compromise but the sales rep tells Picard that the treaty has been signed and that, "the law is paramount," before hanging up on Picard.

Back down on the planet, Data has traveled with Adrian to her house. Data wonders why Goshavan won't listen to what he has to say. Adrian thinks it might be because Data is an android and because Goshavan is robophobic and doesn't want "machines ordering him around."

Data tells her that he did order Goshavan to do anything but was only trying to convince him not to get wrecked by weird swamp creature aliens whose planet he was squating on. Data asks Adrian if she thinks Data's suggested plan should be followed. She tells him that she does.

"In spite of the fact that I am an android?" asks Data.

She tells him "because of that fact," and then goes off on a jag about not being prejudiced against computers or robots and how she likes them, "not that any computer we have is half as sophisticated as you are."

Data then looks around and realizes that her room is filled with a bunch of metal junk that a five year old child might have put together and called "a robot." Data tells her that she's correct in her assessment of the computers she possesses before Adrian continues to heap praise on computers for being logical and impartial.

Picard then phones Data to inform him that the Shelly Ack Corporation won't do business and that he's contacting Starfleet to get a transport ready for the colonists. He tells Data to get them ready because they may have to move quickly. Data tells him that he understands and then tells Adrian that they need to speak with Goshavan again.

Back on the Enterprise, Geordi, Wesley Crusher, and O'Brien are in the teleportation chamber attempting to beam helium canisters down to the planet and back up to the Enterprise but they are coming back as melt blobs. Riker With Beard comes in to drop that low grade profanity asking them, "Gentleman how's it coming...what the HELL is that?" Oh man does he really put some English on his delivery of the word "hell," here. I'm pretty sure that Frakes got super stoked any time he got to swear on this show since every time he does he really leans into it hard.

Anyway, Geordi tells him that it was their first attempt at using the teleporter to beam something up from the planet. Riker With Beard tells them to keep up the good work and that they need the teleporters.

Back on the planet, Data goes to talk to Goshavan but the dude still isn't willing to listen to what Data has to say. He talks some shit about the town being a monument to the people and how his granddad died on a mountain so that they could build an aqueduct or some shit. He tells Data that they've sacrificed too much to be bullied off this planet by him or the Shelly Ack.

After he leaves Adrian calls him stubborn and irrational and then asks Data what their next move is. Data asks if Goshavan's feelings are shared by all the colonists. Adrian says that she hopes not so Data says he hopes he can convince enough of them to leave.

"Don't you mean, if we can convince?" asks Adrian.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Picard informs Riker With Beard that Starfleet is dreadfully sorry but it's going to be three weeks before an appropriate transport ship can reach the planet. Riker With Beard wants to know what they're going to do then since they don't have three weeks.

Picard theorizes that if they plan on settling the planet in two days the Shelly Ack Corporation must have a ship en route already. Picard plans on intercepting the ship and getting them to agree to extend the deadline. Riker With Beard warns him that the Shelly Ack might interpret this course of action as a hostile act.

"A risk we have to take..." says Picard as we head to commercial break.

Back from break Riker With Beard calls Data to tell him what is going on. Data tells him that he's not sure he can "get the job done," since so many colonists are refusing to leave. Riker With Beard goes off on Data and tells him that he's directly responsible for 15,000 lives. Data wants to know how violent the Shelly Ack Corporation is likely to be in the removal of the colonists. Riker With Beard tells him that the only reason they weren't murdered as soon as they were discovered was because of the treaty.

"Ah," says Data.

"Ah is right Data!" scolds Riker With Beard who again drives home the point that the fate of every man, woman and child on the planet is riding on him and that he's going to have to get innovative in order to save them from themselves.

After Riker With Beard hangs up on him, Adrian tells Data that so many people are talking about the Shelly Ack Corporation that Goshavan has called a town hall meeting to discuss the situation. Data asks if it seems like Goshavan has changed his mind at all. Adrian tells him that he hasn't but the town hall meeting will give Data a change to present his arguments again.

Data is bummed by this because he hasn't been particularly persuasive thus far. Adrian then kisses him on the mouth. Data asks her why she did that and she tells him that he looked like he needed it. Data does the Data thing and tells her, "Among humans, a kiss usually serves to seal a friendship, or indicate support, attraction, affection. In this context, I must assume that your intention was to express support." Adrian tells him that he really doesn't understand human behavior at all.

"That is something of an understatement," deadpans Data. 

She tells him that she doesn't either sometimes and goes off on another jag about androids being super rational and so hot. Data tells her that thus far his rationality has not helped him much in convincing the colonists to not get themselves killed. Adrian tells him that sometimes reverse psychology can be more persuasive. Data thinks back to the cold open and says that, "perhaps this is a situation where excessive honesty can be detrimental." 

Back in the Enterprise's teleportation chamber, Geordi and the boys continue to fuck up helium canisters. Picard comes in and asks them how things are going as he looks at the melted blob of metal on the teleportation pad.

"About as well as you'd expect sir," says Geordi.

"Splendid. Splendid. Carry on," replies Picard who leaves immediately.

Wesley whines about Picard wanting the impossible and Geordi tells him, "That's the short definition of Captain." I assume this is supposed to be some kind of joke but it's just stupid as shit.

Back on the planet, a handful of people have gathered in the town square for the town hall meeting. Goshavan says that he's going to replace Data's "misinformation with cold, hard facts." This is some wild dialogue to hear in a 30 year old TV show since it seems like something that would have been written in these our modern times where the notion of "fake news" runs rampant and demagogues use it to push their preferred narratives.

Data shows up and asks to speak but Goshavan tells him to hit the bricks. Data basically does the "Debate me!" Ben Shapiro shit and some of the cape weirdos tell Goshavan to let Data speak. Data tells him that he's already told them of the Shelly Ack threat and how Starfleet wants to help them evacuate but Goshavan isn't hearing it. He says that he's not going to waste time trying to convince them that it's a shit idea.

He goes on and says that he admires their conviction in staying to fight even though defeat is certain. He lays it on pretty thick saying that their "courage will be remembered and extolled," long after the battle is over. Adrian then yells, "Remembered by who?"

Data admits that no one will be left alive to remember them and Goshavan does a sarcastic golf clap and tells Data that it was a good try but that he must think very little of them if he thinks such talk will cause their resolve to falter. Some people in the crowd of cape weirdos were swayed by Data's words though.

Goshavan pretty much calls them pussies but the cape weirdos are like, "What if you're wrong dude? What if this robot guy is speaking loud words of truth?"

Goshavan again starts talking about all the hard work of their ancestors and again brings up his grandfather like he's Megan McCain talking about her dad or some shit. Adrian is sick of hearing about his grandfather and reminds him that his grandfather is buried on the mountain before asking Goshavan who will be left to bury Goshavan when he inevitably dies.

Goshavan is steadfast though saying that if they leave they will leave behind everything they've worked so hard to build and that all their accomplishments will mean nothing. He says that they elected him so they now must follow him. He doesn't think that the situation is as dire as Data has made it out to be and is willing to stake the colonists' lives on it.

A bunch of cape weirdos are all like "HUZZAH! CERTAIN DEATH!" and slap Goshavan on the back but there are some in the crowd who are clearly not into dying because Goshavan's granddad died to build an aqueduct a hundred years ago and Goshavan doesn't want to leave.

Data tells them straight up, "Then here you die," and leaves but as he goes the two cape weirdos that he met at the shuttle say that Goshavan doesn't speak for all of them. One of them doesn't see any reason to die just to stay where they are. The other cape weirdo is less convinced but still wants to hear more of what Data has to say. Adrian tells them to gather everyone together to meet at her place.

Back in Picard's office, Troi talks to him about the importance of linguistic specificity when dealing with the Shelly Ack Corporation since they consider space English to be irrational. Riker With Beard then phones them to inform Picard that they have the Shelly Ack ship on space radars. Picard's all like "Here goes nothin'!" and head out to the bridge.

Out on the bridge, Picard calls the Shelly Ack Corporation ship and tells them that he desires "face-to-face negotiation to settle the crisis." The swamp monster guy tells Picard that it would be meaningless so Picard quotes the treaty and the swamp monster agrees to meet and then hangs up on Picard.

"Was that an invitation?" asks Riker With Beard. Picard doesn't know but leaves with Troi to go teleport onto the Shelly Ack ship.

Back on the planet a group of people are gathered in Adrian's house. One of the cape weirdos wants to know if they'll be left alone by the Federation. Data tells them that if that's what they want and that the Federation will give them as much or as little help as they want.

The cape weirdos are now all onboard with leaving the planet but they still think that they need to convince Goshavan because people respect him and "do what he says," and has "a lot of supporters."

Goshavan shows up and tells the cape weirdo not to forget that before saying that he's disappointed in all of them since they thought they'd settled all of this. Data tells him that apparently he was incorrect. Goshavan accuses Data of stirring up trouble.

"Since when is talk trouble?" asks Adrian.

Goshavan tells Data that he had his say and lost but Data says he's apparently reversing that defeat but Goshavan is like, "NO YOU'RE NOT!" and then uses a cattle prod to electrocute the shit out of Data who faints dead away.

"DAMN you Goshavan!" yells Adrian as she rushes to Data's aid.

One of the cape weirdos accuses Goshavan of killing Data but Goshavan says that he didn't kill anyone he just shut down a machine. He then tells everyone that it's time to go home and that soon they'll all see that he's been right.

Picard and Troi beam onto the Shelly Ack Corporation's ship and Picard asks the swamp monster guy for more time to remove the settlers but the swamp monster tells them time has expired and that they will save Picard the time by killing everyone there. The swamp monster then beams Troi and Picard back onto the Enterprise, mid-Picard rant.

"I take it the Shelly Ack just hung up on us again," jokes a clearly hammered Riker With Beard.

Back on the planet, Adrian uses some sort of beam on Data who sits straight up. Adrian tells him that she was worried his brain was going to be fucked beyond repair but Data tells her that he has diagnostic circuits that can do self-repair.

Adrian says that she's not surprised by Goshavan's behavior but thought the cape weirdos were on their side. "I guess words don't mean very much," she opines.

Data says that that might be the problem. All he's been doing is talking and talking when humans take a stronger notice of action. "I require a phaser!" he says. Adrian doesn't know what a phaser is so Data explains it to her and also notes that they won't work because of the hyperonic radiation.

"I will have to be innovative," he says.

Later at Data's shuttlecraft, Data is taking a piece of computer shit out of his arm to put in his phaser. Somehow by doing so this will allow the phaser to work as normal in spite of the radiation. Adrian is impressed by the fact that he's built a "smart phaser."

With his phaser finished, Data tells her to tell Goshavan that he's going to go to the aqueduct to destroy it. Adrian tells Data that Goshavan will try to stop him which is exactly what Data wants him to do.

Back on the Enterprise Picard orders Worf to go to Yellow Alert and throw the shields up and then to open hailing frequencies. Worf does and tells Picard that they aren't responding. Picard says that they just have to listen and then rants about them having to get past him if they want to get to that planet and then hangs up on them and goes to actually look at the treaty to see if there's something in it that they can use to their advantage.

Back on the planet, Data shows up at the aqueduct where Goshavan has some armed dudes standing guard. Data blasts the fuck out of them. Goshavan then makes a move towards them but Data stops him and says that he only has his phaser set to stun. He then turns it to KILL! and shoots the aqueduct. He tells Goshavan that he could reduce the pumping station to dust in an instant if he wanted and he's just a single android with a blaster. The Shelly Ack are far more numerous and have much better weaponry, weaponry so advanced that they could wipe out everyone on the planet from orbit meaning Goshavan and his people will die without even seeing the face of their enemy.

One of the cape weirdos is like, "There are other places, other challenges."

Goshavan tells Data that he truly was prepared to stay and die for everything they built. Data tells him that he knows but everything on the planet is just things, "and things can be replaced. Lives cannot."

Back on the Enterprise, everyone is looking over the treaty. Picard finally finds something that might be useful in resolving the conflict with the Shelly Ack Corporation and hails them. They answer this time and Picard says that under the treaty he is entitled to third party arbitration should a dispute arise. The Shelly Ack swamp monster says that he is within his right to do that and so Picard names the Grisellas to arbitrate. Unfortunately they are in the middle of their hibernation cycle and are slated to awaken in six months. So Picard asks if the Shelly Ack Corporation are willing to give him the three weeks he asked for or if they would rather wait six months and go to arbitration.

The Shelly Ack swamp monster is livid and starts yelling that they cannot delay so Picard declares the treaty in abeyance and hangs up the space phone. Riker With Beard grins and is like, "You enjoyed that didn't you?"

"You're DAMNED right!" exclaims Picard.

The Shelly Ack call back immediately but Picard just wanders around letting the phone ring. He dusts off a plaque that's apparently on the wall of the bridge before having Worf pick up the phone. The Shelly Ack swamp monster tells Picard that they can have their three weeks. Picard politely thanks him and hangs up as Geordi enters.

Geordi tells him that they can modify the teleporters but, "It'll take fifteen years, and a research team of a hundred..." Picard cuts him off to tell him that they're going to postpone making the adjustments. Geordi leaves. COMEDY GOLD!

Back on the planet, Data is preparing to leave in his shuttlecraft when Adrian shows up and tells him that the evacuation is going well and they'll be ready when the transport ship arrives. Data tells her that he couldn't have succeeded without her help and that he is grateful for her assistance.

"Good. Then you won't forget me," she says.

Data tells her that he's incapable of forgetting anything and that he will remember his visit here exactly as it happened down to the most minute detail. Adrian then asks Data if that's all he'll remember or if he has any feelings for her. Data tells her that he has "no feelings of any kind."

She looks bummed out so Data kisses her. Adrian asks him why he did and Data tells her that she looked like she needed it. She then tells him, "You saw I was unhappy and did what you concluded would make me feel better. Rational to the last." Data nods and gets in his shuttle and closes the door and begins to take off as Adrian waves and says goodbye.

Back on the Enterprise, Data visits Picard's office where he is listening to a bootleg of Data's concert that Dr. Beverly Crusher taped for him. Picard praises the feeling of Data's performance but Data tells him that as he has recently reminded others he has no feelings. Picard asks if he's sure there's nothing of Data in his playing.

Data tells him that all he did was precisely imitate the techniques of two different violinists but Picard tells him that Data picked the violinists to imitate and notes that the two violinists in question have radically different styles and techniques and yet Data was able to combine them successfully into something new. Data admits that he has learned to be creative when necessary. Picard then tells him that he looks forward to Data's next performance. And that's the episode!

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

Riker With Beard was probably pretty hammered when he was on the phone with Data and yelling at him to get shit done when Data was like, "I talked to the leader of these people and he accused me of being fake news and all the man on the street interviews I did showed that people didn't believe me or were willing to fight the Shelly Ack Corporation." Like Data had pretty much exhausted every possibility (outside of threatening to blow up their water supply himself) so Riker With Beard getting so heated with Data leaves only one possibility and that is that our man Riker With Beard was fucking hammered.

Final Thoughts

Watching this episode in 2020, as a plague ravages out of control around the globe mostly due to a small number of people's willful defiance of commonsense was kind of wild as was the implication that violence is the best way to get people to see your point of view when they are being stubborn dickholes. Data wasn't able to get people to do the thing that was best for them without first putting four of them on blast and then threatening to blow up their water supply. He didn't convince them that leaving was for the best, he coerced them into doing it under threat of violence first from him and then from the Shelly Ack Corporation. Weird message. Weird episode.

Also because I don't really have anywhere else to really put this stray thought, as I watched this episode I couldn't tell if there was supposed to be something wrong with the colonists' brains due to the radiation or if the actors were just bad at their jobs and reciting terribly scripted dialogue. Every colonist's performance was weird and the way they delivered dialogue was kind of stilted and awkward and up until the very last scene I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. Since it never came up in the episode I'm going to assume it was just bad actors reading a bad script.

Fuck Count

The bad news is there was no fucking in this particular episode. That being said it was horny as shit with Adrian being super horny for robots. Unfortunately the way her robosexuality manifested itself was kind of gross like to the point that I thought it was a metaphor for those dudes who are super into Asian women or Native Americans not because of who those people are as individuals but simple due to the fact that they are Asian or Native American. Adrian clearly wanted to fuck Data simply because he was an android and that's not that cool.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0

Total Fucks for Season: 0

Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)