Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E03 - The Survivors

It's been a hot minute since I've ventured down to the laboratory to work on my scientific experiments into which Star Trek character fucked the most. I don't have a particularly good reason except for the fact that I've been biking home from work which eliminated a 40 minute chunk of commuting on a train that was the primary time I'd watch episodes of a 30 year old science fiction show on my telephone. I suppose I could have been watching them after I got home but for whatever reason I didn't until now. Will I continue to do so beyond this very review? Maybe. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe I'll go back to only watching old wrestling shows on YouTube and baseball documentaries on Netflix or maybe I'll buy a new video game and play that at night instead. 🤷

For today though we've got a review. This episode is the third episode of the third season of Star Trek: The Next Generation and it's called "The Survivors."

Pre-Existing Prejudices

I'm pretty sure this episode is the one where a pacifist god-like alien guy genocides an entire race of aliens because those aliens killed his wife or something. I don't think there's any fucking in this one but as far as episodes of Star Trek go I think this one is a pretty good episode. Could be totally wrong about everything I just wrote here which is the fun of this particular section of the review.

Plot Synopsis

We kick things off with the Enterprise en route to some random planet. Picard explains via Captain's Log that they received a distress call from them a couple days ago on account of being under attack by enemy forces. The Enterprise has been haulin' ass since getting the message and as the show begins they arrive at the scene.

The crew scans the planet they've travelled to in an effort to save the day and find that it's shit has been completely wrecked. They scan the planet and everything is all brown and fucked up and what's more all of the 11,000 colonists are missing. Since the colony was lacking any interstellar craft everyone fears the worst until Boy Genius Wesley Crusher detects something. The crew punches in the coordinates and finds a tiny square of green with a building on it amidst the wastes of the planet and Worf detects, "Two life forms, possibly human."

Picard tells Riker With Beard that he better go down and find out what the shit's going on.

After that good, good opening theme song Riker With Beard beams down onto the planet accompanied by Dr. Beverly Crusher, Geordi LaForge, Worf, and Data. Pretty sizable away team for this mission. They teleport down onto the sole square of green that they saw while scanning the planet and begin to investigate.

They determine that the house is more or less a totally normal house for settlers though they do detect a few modifications to it. Scans detect two individuals inside as well as a single shitty phaser that's broken. Riker With Beard decides to go and knock on the front door and as he walks across the lawn ends up getting caught in a snare and hanging upside down from a pole that shoots straight up from the lawn.

An old dude brandishing a shitty phaser comes out and demands to know who they are and why they're trespassing on private property. Riker With Beard explains who they are and that they heard their distress signal.

An old lady comes out of the house and asks Kevin (the old dude) what he's doing and says that the Enterprise away team is clearly just there to help. Kevin tells Rishon (the old lady) to get back in the house because it could be a trick but that doesn't happen. Instead Dr. Beverly Crusher asks about what's happened and if there are any other survivors.

Rishon says that it's been days since they've seen or heard from anyone else and then expresses shock that she and Kevin are the only ones left. Kevin explains that beings that attacked the planet "came in a spaceship so big you could see it in orbit," but doesn't know who they were since he never saw their faces and had no idea where they went after they destroyed the planet.

Dr. Beverly Crusher performs a physical on Rishon and then asks for her name "for the record." Rishon tells her that she's Rishon Uxbridge and the old dude is her husband Kevin. Data then rambles off their entire backstory knowing their ages and physical education grades from elementary school because he's a creep. He explains that he memorized the personal information of all the colonists on the way over in case such information would be necessary.

Riker With Beard asks to look inside their house and Kevin starts acting weird and asks Riker With Beard what of interest could be inside the house. Riker With Beard explains that the fact that only this building and he and his wife survived the attack is either a crazy coincidence or by design and he's not too keen on it being coincidence.

Kevin asks Riker With Beard is accusing him and his wife of betraying the others. Riker With Beard says that he's not accusing him of anything but the fact of the matter is that the mysterious invaders spared Kevin and his wife for some reason and he wants to find out why.

Kevin apparently relents because in the next scene the away team enters the house with Kevin and Rishon. She offers to make tea and disappears while Worf compliments Kevin for having the balls to attempt to hold the Enterprise crew at bay with a broken phaser.

Data, meanwhile, looks at a tchotchke on a shelf. Rishon tells him it's a music box that's been in her family for generations and that he's welcome to touch it if he wants. Data picks it up and as a little man and woman dance inside the music box music starts to play. We then cut to the Enterprise where Troi, sitting in her quarters, can hear the music playing.

Back on the planet Riker With Beard declares that there's nothing amiss at the house beyond the fact that it isn't a smoldering heap of rubble and asks Dr. Beverly Crusher about the Uxbridges. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that other than some signs of stress they're perfectly healthy. Riker With Beard decides to bring them back to the ship with them and tells them that they should start packing their things.

Neither Kevin nor Rishon want to leave which confuses Riker With Beard who wonders how they'll be able to take care of themselves. They are insistent though so Riker With Beard leaves his space cellphone with them, telling them that the Enterprise will be in the system for a few more days at the very least and if they change their mind to call him.

Rishon thanks him but tells him that she and Kevin will be fine since they have each other and we head to commercial break for some products and services!

Back from break the crew gathers in the conference room for a staff meeting. They spitball about how and why the Uxbridges were able to survive a holocaust and whether they'd be able to fend for themselves since they're insistant that they're not leaving the planet. Troi, meanwhile, is still hearing that music box song and it's starting to get to her. She excuses herself telling the others that she isn't feeling well.

Later in Troi's quarters, Troi is freaking the fuck out until her doorbell rings and she calms down and tells whoever it is to come it. It's Picard. He tells her that he wanted to see if he could help at all. She tells him she's fine but Picard's like, "C'man!" so she tells him that she's had a song stuck in her head since the away team went down to the planet. A song that she's never heard that plays constantly from beginning to end with perfect clarity. She explains that it started when she was trying to get a read on Kevin and Rishon but before she and Picard can discuss the matter any further klaxons sound. It's a RED ALERT baby!

One the bridge the crew marvels at a massive warship that came out of nowhere. It matches no known vehicle and has enough firepower to "pulverize a planet" according to RIker With Beard. They try to hail the ship but that goes nowhere and the ship fires on the Enterprise. The Enterprise fires back and the warship turns tail and starts to haul ass. The Enterprise chases after it but the enemy ship is somehow able to match the Enterprise's acceleration speed "point for point."

Eventually Picard is like, "I think someone's playin'. Let's get back to the planet," and so the Enterprise goes back to the planet.

Picard and Worf beam down to Kevin and Rishon's house as the two old folks work in their garden. Picard introduces himself and says that he's brought them a matter replicator which they're going to need if they choose to stay on the planet. Kevin thanks them but says that they don't need it.

Picard explains that it can provide "clothing, food and clean water," but Kevin is insistent that they don't need it. Rishon tells Kevin that they do and then invite Picard and Worf to join them for afternoon tea. Kevin tells his wife that Picard and Worf only want to spy on them but Rishon calls him by his full name like an angry mom and invites the two space adventurers in.

Meanwhile in Troi's quarters, Troi continues to freak the fuck out. Dr. Beverly Crusher comes in with some other medics and tries to help Troi who insists on staying in her quarters to reduce the number of sets they need to shoot on in this episode. Dr. Beverly Crusher offers to "induce delta sleep," which will apparently block out Troi's "deepest dreams."

"It's not a dream. It's real," says Troi.

Back on the planet Picard and Worf have joined Rishon and Kevin in their house for tea. Rishon tells Picard how she and Kevin met and then asks Worf how he liked his tea.

"Good tea. Nice house," deadpans Worf as he sits in a stupid looking armchair and holds a very tiny teacup. I think Worf doing regular-ass shit might be the funniest thing in all of Star Trek. Just like Worf eating eggs or sitting in a living room with an old lady is very good to me.

Rishon talks about the attack on the planet but Kevin seems more interested in when the Enterprise will be leaving. Picard says that he's not sure since they just encountered a warship. He says that they chased it off but it could return. Rishon is scared by this but Kevin assures her that it didn't hurt them before and won't hurt them this time.

Picard wants to know if he is sure of that. Kevin admits that he isn't but doesn't like to see his wife scared and then again tells Picard that he doesn't know why they were spared. Picard is like, "there had to be some reason. In some way you were different from the other colonists."

Eventually Kevin admits that he is a pacifist and would not fight but there was no way for those aboard the warship to know this. He says that he expected to die like all the others. Kevin then tells Picard that there's no reason for the Enterprise to hang around since he and Rishon will manage just fine.

After Kevin leaves Rishon tells Picard that Kevin is a gentle man and that he grieves for the others but did nothing. Picard asks Rishon what she wanted to do. She tells him that she wanted to fight but ultimately stayed with her husband. She thanks Picard for the replicator and then tells him that she needs to start cleaning up. Picard offers to take her back to the Enterprise but she tells him that she can't leave the planet even if it means her life.

Back in Troi's quarters Troi continues to freak the fuck out so Dr. Beverly Crusher decides to put her in a medically induced coma.

Back on the bridge the mysterious warship has returned and it's looking "a lot meaner." The ship attacks the Enterprise and in an instant the shields are down. Worf scrambles and gets the shields back up but the warship puts them on blast again and again the shields drop. Picard's like, "Enough of this shit. Put 'em on blast Worf!" and so Worf fires away but it does nothing to the enemy ship. Riker With Beard tells Worf to give the ship everything they've got but before he can the enemy ship shoots the Enterprise and there are random sparks on the bridge as stuntmen in Starfleet uniforms go flying.

Worf informs them that the Enterprise has sustained internal damage and they've lost control of the weapons systems. Picard orders Wesley to move the Enterprise out of the way which he does. The warship almost immediately stops pursuing the Enterprise and starts to orbit the planet. Riker With Beard asks Picard what they should do about Kevin and Rishon.

"We can't help them, but it's my guess they're in no danger."

Down in Troi's quarters Picard talks to Dr. Beverly Crusher about Troi's condition. Dr. Beverly Crusher is completely poleaxed and can't determine what the shit is going on with the music Troi's hearing. Picard asks if it might be telepathic. Dr. Beverly Crusher opines that it could be but says that she's not the expert on that sort of thing.

Picard tells Dr. Beverly Crusher that he thinks Kevin and Rishon did something to Troi to block her X-Men powers and prevent her from seeing the truth about who or what they really are. Picard then has an epiphany and realizes that Kevin and Rishon had wanted them to leave the planet and that's exactly what they did. He calls down to Riker With Beard and tells him to maintain their current course for an hour then turn around and go back to the planet. Riker With Beard tells him that the shields won't be back online by then but Picard doesn't seem to care.

The Enterprise returns to the planet and again the enemy warship is nowhere to be seen. Picard tells Riker With Beard that he has the bridge while he and Worf pay the Uxbridges another visit. Riker With Beard tells him that he's worried the warship could return and pleads with Picard to reconsider.

Picard tells him that he doesn't think the warship knows that they're back but thinks it will change once he returns to the ship from the planet. Riker With Beard is confused so Picard tells him that he thinks the warship is somehow protecting Kevin and Rishon and that it seems to be responding to their wishes. He's going to put his theory to the test.

Worf and Picard beam down to find Kevin and Rishon waltzing about in their living room. Picard asks them if they are celebrating but Kevin's just pissed off that a couple of random dudes just beamed into his living room and asks him to stop interfering in their lives and leave them alone. Picard tells him that when he leaves today he will never set foot in Kevin's house again but the Enterprise will continue to orbit above the planet to protect them.

Picard explains that the warship has returned and that the Enterprise fought against it with a number of his crew suffering injuries as a result of the battle. Picard also mentions that Troi's freaking the fuck out and that her "mind is slowly being destroyed by telepathic manipulation."

Kevin accuses Picard of trying to intimidate them and tells Picard that he has his rights. Picard again offers to take Rishon to safety but she refuses, saying she can't leave Kevin. Kevin says that she's safe with him in the house. Picard then asks Kevin if Rishon were in danger would he kill to save her.

He tells Picard that he would not kill for her or anyone else and seems pained. Rishon tells Picard to stop hurting him and then asks him to leave. Picard says that he's going but again tells them that the Enterprise will remain in orbit as long as the two of them live.

Picard returns to the Enterprise and almost immediately the enemy warship returns. Picard has sussed out what's going on and has everyone sit tight while the warship fires a single shot at the planet, destroying the Uxbridges home and killing them both. Picard then has Worf fire a single shot at the warship which explodes spectacularly. Picard then has Boy Genius Wesley Crusher move the Enterprise into a higher orbit and tells them to keep the planet under surveillance. He then retires to his office.

Later in Picard's Office, Riker With Beard asks him what's going on. He tells Picard that they've been watching the planet for three hours but have seen nothing but that he thinks Picard is waiting for something to happen.

Picard tells him that he has an assumption but he's not sure what the result will be or even if it's a correct one. "We found two people alive in a house on a devastated planet but there was only one survivor of the war on Rana Four," he tells the coolest commander in the history of space commanders.

Back out on the bridge Geordi detects that the Uxbridges' house has suddenly returned. Picard asks if there is any sign of life and Worf says that he detects two life forms inside the house. Picard orders the ship to move within teleportation range and then has Kevin and Rishon beamed directly onto the bridge.

Rishon is angry at having been beamed onto the Enterprise against their will but Picard tells them that he wants them to fix Troi's brainfuckled brain. Rishon doesn't know what he's talking about but Picard tells her that Kevin does since he's responsible. Picard then lays out his hypothesis: the house that they were in was destroyed during the attack and that everything that Picard and his crew had seen was but a recreation. "Real to the touch but able to be created, destroyed, and created all on a whim."

Picard continues by saying that the warship was another creation designed to get the Enterprise to leave since the house and Kevin and Rishon's existence were incongruities that they were not prepared to explain. It didn't work though so when Picard told them the only way the Enterprise would leave was if Kevin and Rishon were dead they did their "best to satisfy that condition."

Kevin tells Picard that he is sorry about what happened to Troi and will help her but wants to know what they intend to do with him afterwards. Picard tells him that he'll be take to a starbase and held responsible for the attack on the Enterprise and possibly the deaths of the 11,000 colonists.

Rishon pleads with Picard saying that Kevin never killed anyone and Kevin says that the destruction on the planet happened exactly as he told them earlier. Picard tells him that he didn't tell them the whole story since he's left off "the part about Rishon."

Rishon asks what the shit he's on about and Picard says that even though he can touch her, hear her voice and smell her perfume she does not actually exist. Picard tells her that she died defending the colony with the other and that Kevin recreated her like he did with the house.

Rishon then vanishes and Picard tells Kevin that he's the only living thing that survived on the planet and though he looks human he isn't. Kevin then turns into light and disappears. Geordi says Kevin's in the turbolift but Picard says to let him go. Worf is like, "He's dangerous!"

Picard responds that Kevin is so dangerous that he could have destroyed them all in an instant if he so desired. Picard tells the bridge crew to alert everyone to give Kevin a wide berth so that he knows they mean him no harm. Riker With Beard asks if Kevin will go back to his planet but Picard thinks that if he's the creature he thinks he is he will help Troi first.

Down in Troi's quarters, Dr. Beverly Crusher enters to find Kevin there standing beside Troi. He tells her that he's taken the music from her mind and she will be fine now. He explains that he had been living as a human for 50 years but he couldn't hide his true nature from Troi and says that Troi "suffered because of my pride and selfishness. It will not happen again."

Picard then shows up and asks Kevin for the whole story. Kevin explains that he is a Dowd, an immortal being with trickster god powers. He says that on a trip to Earth while in human form he happened to meet Rishon and fell in love with her. He put aside his powers and became her husband and the two of them had come to the colony to live out their final years together but she died without ever knowing what he really was.

Kevin then reveals that the colony was attacked by a warship belonging to a species known as the Huss Knocks who "knew only aggression and destruction." Kevin explains that he could have destroyed them with a mere thought but did not because he will not kill.

"You let the colonists fight a hopeless battle?" asks Picard.

Kevin explains that he tried to use trickery to fool the Huss Knocks like he did with the Enterprise but that only pissed them off more and in the end Rishon went to fight with the colonists against the Huss Knocks and died because of it. In the end he was left all alone and when he saw his dead wife and in a moment of grief he was filled with hatred and destroyed the Huss Knocks.

Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Why did you try to hide this from us?" and wonders if it was out of guilt for not helping Rishon and the colonists when they were alive.

"You don't understand what I'm saying. When I said I destroyed the Huss Knocks I meant ALL the Huss Knocks. All Huss Knocks everywhere," Kevin replies, "Are eleven thousand people worth fifty billion? Is the love of a woman worth the destruction of an entire species? This is the sin I tried so hard to keep you from learning now. Why I wanted to chase you from Rana."

Picard's like, "Uh yeah I'm punting on this one buddy. You can go back down to your planet and make your dead wife live again I guess."

Kevin leaves and things return to normal. Picard wraps things up by dropping a Captain's Log saying he doesn't know if Kevin should be praised or condemned but he should be left alone. And that's the episode!

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

Except for randomly walking into a snare trap like a dope, Riker With Beard didn't seem all that messed up in this adventure. There's a part of me that thinks he was drunk as shit when he got caught in an Ewok trap on Kevin's front lawn and then after that went back to the Enterprise and was like, "I can't believe I walked right into that trap. I gotta get my shit together!" and then got his shit together for the remainder of the episode.

Final Thoughts

I love a trickster space god named Kevin. So good. While away from the Fuck Report I've been watching old ECW wrestling shows and for awhile there they had a vampire wrestler named Kevin which I thought was pretty funny. I mean a vampire named Kevin who moonlights as a pro-wrestler? That's hilarious, but a trickster space god named Kevin is an order more ludicrous and I absolutely love it. 

What I loved a bit less was Picard just being like, "A genocide? Well, I guess you're free to go pal." Like I understand that there isn't really any way you could actually punish and immortal being with the power to bend reality but Picard just punting on it and then opining that he didn't know if Kevin "I Successfully Did Genocide" Uxbridge should be praised or condemned ended what was otherwise a perfectly cromulent episode of Star Trek on a bit of a sour note.

Fuck Count

Speaking of sour notes, we're three for three in season 3 for chaste-ass episode of Trek. There wasn't even any horniness here unless you count a trickster space god's love for his dead wife causing him to genocide a race of space marauders as horniness.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0

Total Fucks for Season: 0

Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)