Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E06 - Booby Trap

 

I don't want to lose momentum and end up stopping this crucial work for another six months so I'm pressing forward and examining another episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation in my ongoing quest to determine which member of the crew canonically fucked with the greatest frequency. Today we're taking a look at Booby Trap which first aired on October 30, 1989.

Pre-Existing Prejudices

Based on the little plot synopsis Netflix offers up coupled with the episode title there are maybe a half dozen different episodes it could be. Since I'm not sure which of these half dozen episodes this one actually is I've got no preconceived notions about what I'm about to watch.

Plot Synopsis

Geordi is on a date with a woman we will later in the episode is named Kristy or Krissy or some similarly late 80s appropriate lady name. They're on a Holodeck beach sitting in white sands beneath a giant moon. Geordi offers Kristy or Krissy "another coco-no-no," but she turns him down. She does not seem to be having such a good time.

Geordi suddenly remembers that he'd also programmed a fiddler in pirate garb in his beach date program and summons the fiddler who begins playing Brahms' "Hungarian Dance No. 5." That's right folks, I did some actual research this week to get the name of that song because though I did recognize the melody I'm not going to act like I actually know the names of any classical music pieces beyond "In the Hall of the Mountain King" or "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy."

Anyway while the pirate fiddler plays his tune Geordi tries to put the moves of Kristy or Krissy only for her to cut him off and tell him that he should get back to her quarters. Geordi asks her if it's too cold and says he can turn the breeze down. Kristy or Krissy tells him that the program is fine and Geordi's "a terrific guy" but she doesn't feel "that way" about him.

WELCOME TO THE "FRIEND ZONE" GEORDI!!!

Geordi accepts his fate and tells the pirate fiddler to knock it off.

Meanwhile in Ten Forward Wesley Crusher and Data are playing some kind of future chess while looking out a window at a bunch of planetary debris. Wesley asks if the planetary debris was the site of "the final battle." Data tells him that it was though neither side in the conflict thought it would be and then remarks how remarkably thorough the destruction was "considering the primitive weapons of the period."

At that moment a downtrodden Geordi enters and Wesley spots him and says, "Uh oh!"

Data doesn't seem to understand what "Uh oh" means which is very funny to me so Wesley explains that Geordi and Kristy or Krissy had a "big date" and Geordi spent "days putting together the perfect program," but it seemed to him like the date ended early.

"Uh oh," replies Data. This might have been the best, "Data doesn't understand some weird verbal English thing" joke they've done yet.

Regardless, Riker With Beard then calls Data on his space phone and tells him to return to the bridge immediately.

Moments later Data arrives on the bridge and Riker With Beard explains that they're picking up a signal. Picard elaborates that it seems to be an "ancient interplanetary code." Data confirms Picard's suspicions. Riker With Beard says that it would be impossible for there to be any survivors on what's left of Exploded Planet IX after all this time. Picard, however, tells him that it's not impossible, merely "hardly possible" and has him set a course for the source of the signal.

After a short trip through the planetary debris they come upon the source of the distress call. Worf promptly identifies it as a Promellian battle cruiser. Picard geeks out over the remarkable condition it's still in. Data tells him that there are no signs of life aboard and Picard tells him that he should hope not before adding, "That ship belongs in a museum. I'm afraid we're a little late. That call for help was probably initiated over a thousand years ago." Talk about a cold open.

After that good, good opening theme song we get Picard dropping a Captain's Log in which he explains that two races did mutually assured destruction at Exploded Planet IX but before the good, good opening theme song the Enterprise discovered a Promellian battlecruiser that had somehow withstood the centuries.

Picard and Riker With Beard walk down a hall towards a teleportation chamber. Riker With Beard wants Picard to let him and Worf scout the battlecruiser out first but Picard is insistent that he be the one to scout it out. Riker With Beard tells him that the risks of visiting a ship as old and fragile as the battlecruiser are inconceivable but Picard again is insistent and then starts talking about building ships in a bottle as they enter the teleportation chamber.

Riker With Beard has no idea what he's talking about. Picard looks to Data and Worf who are already on the teleportation pad in askance but they seem confused by the concept of ships in a bottle as well causing him to bellow, "Good Lord! Didn't anybody here build ships in bottles when they were boys?"

Worf tells him that he didn't play with toys when he was a child while Data meanwhile states, "I was never a boy." Picard is very disappointed so Teleportation Lord O'Brien tells him that he played with ships in bottles when he was a child and this boosts Picard's spirits and he has Teleportation Lord O'Brien beam him down to the battlecruiser with Worf and Data.

Once they're gone Riker With Beard looks at the Teleportation Lord with a look as if to say, "C'mon we both know you don't have any idea what a ship in a bottle even is!" Teleportation Lord O'Brien, however, is insistent that he did indeed play with ships in bottles and moreover that it was "great fun."

The lights suddenly dim and Riker With Beard asks him what just happened. The Lord of All Teleportations doesn't know but thinks that some sort of secondary power source might need to be rejiggered. Riker With Beard tells him to keep him posted and then leaves. 

Meanwhile on the battlecruiser Worf, Data and Picard arrive and look around the bridge of the ship with flashlights. They find a skeleton with a fin sticking out of the top of it's head like it's Savage Dragon or some shit. Worf thinks it's admirable that all the aliens died at their posts. Picard, meanwhile, is more impressed by the elegant simplicity of the bridge and remarks that it appears that the craft was built to last for generations...and it did.

Back in Ten Fold, Geordi is pounding shots when Whoopi Goldberg walks up to him. Geordi asks her if she has anything stronger than whatever booze he's drinking. She tells him she does but when he asks her if it would help him she tells him it would not.

Geordi then asks her, "Tell me something...you're a woman, right?"

Whoopi Goldberg replies, "Yes, I can tell you I am a woman."

Geordi rolls his eyes and then asks her what it is that she wants in a man and what the first thing she looks at in a man...as a woman. She says the first thing she looks for is the dude's head.

"Ahhhh....his mind!" exclaims incel talking-point superfan Geordi.

Space Whoopi Goldberg shakes her head and tells him that she's literally talking about heads because she's horny for bald guys. Geordi asks her why and she tells him that a bald man was very kind to her once when she was hurting and took care of her.

"I'd like to do that," says full-on incel Geordi.

"I take care of myself these days," replies Space Whoopi Goldberg.

Geordi clarifies and says that he wants to take care of somebody before being a whining incel and talking about how he has all these great brain skills but for whatever reason no ladies want to fuck him.

"Why can't I make anything work with a woman like Kristy or Krissy? It's like I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say," he whines.

Whoopi Goldberg in Space tells him that he doesn't seem to have any trouble talking to her. Geordi tells her that she's different because he's not horny for her but she tells him that it's him that's different.

"But I'm not trying now," says Geordi.

Space Whoopi Goldberg says that's her point and we put the Geordi Verbalizes Incel Talking Points portion of the episode to bed.

Meanwhile up on the bridge some lights flicker and Riker With Beard asks Wesley what's going on. Wesley tells him some kind of HARD SCIENCE FICTION PHRASE is acting, and I quote, "a little weird." Riker With Beard tells him to, "Define weird," and Wesley says that some sci-fi bullshit is going on that is messing with the readings. Riker With Beard tells him to do a maintenance sweep.

Back on the battlecruiser the away team powers up the bridge with a generator they brought with them and Worf takes cellphone pictures of the ship's tactical displays. Data, meanwhile, locates the source of the ship's distress signal and shuts it off. Data then finds a USB thumb drive and calls it a crude version of something they've got back on the Enterprise. Picard, however, is more generous and says that while it's crude by modern standards but when it was in use humans on Earth were "just perfecting the mechanical clock" and "still using steel crossbows in battle." He the asks Data if there's anyway to see what's on the thumb drive.

Data says he's not sure because it's super old but that he might be able to play back whatever is on it if he amplifies it with his tricorder. He does this and the away team sees a video of an alien dude speaking space English and telling whoever finds this record that he is the captain and that his crew acted courageously and that he alone was responsible for the fate that befell them.

Picard then calls up the Enterprise and tells them that he's ready to be picked up whenever Teleportation Lord O'Brien is ready.

Back on the bridge of the Enterprise Picard is amped as fuck about space archeology and tells Riker With Beard about the recording they discovered and how the Captain of that ship praised his crew in it. Riker With Beard says that he hopes Picard is as thoughtful when the time comes.

Picard gleefully tells Data to call some space historians and have them catalogue the battlecruiser and make arrangements to pick it up. Troi is smiling at Picard who looks at her in askance so she tells him that she's just happy to see him so fired up and geeking out over something. Picard ignores her and tells Wesley to resume the original course which Wesley does but as they set off Data says that they're experiencing a drop in energy reserves.

Riker With Beard mentions the "weirdness" from earlier but is cut off by Worf saying that the ship was getting bombarded with radiation. Riker With Beard orders the shields up while Data says they are continuing to lose power. Picard orders Wesley to haul ass to Lollapalooza but the engines aren't responding.

Riker With Beard then calls down to Geordi in Engineering and tells him to give them some juice. Geordi tells him that everything is totally normal and they should be "going like a bat out of hell." They are not though and the ship continues to lose power as the radiation intensity bombarding the ship increases. Geordi tells the bridge that if they don't slow the ship's engines they'll burn out the reaction chamber so Riker With Beard tells him to slow the engines to idle.

Picard then wonders if the Enterprise has fallen into the same snare that killed the crew of the battlecruiser, "a thousand year old booby trap." Yay! He did the thing where you have someone in the episode actually say the title of the episode as a line of dialogue. That's the best!

Back from break the crew is in the conference room where they rap about the sticky situation they now find themselves in. The ship only has three hours worth of energy remaining before their stores are depleted and what's worse because of the radiation interfering with the ships sensors Worf has been able to locate the source of the radiation bombarding the ship. Furthermore no one has any explanation for why the ship has lost power.

Riker With Beard asks Data if there is anything in the history books about the Menthars that could give them a clue. Data says that there are a number of records of their military tactics but nothing close to the situation they currently find themselves in. Riker With Beard suggests taking an away team back to the battlecruiser but Geordi's like "They didn't have much success with this problem, Commander."

Riker With Beard tells Geordi that it's true but they at least knew something about the enemy they were up against and might have known what the cause of the trouble was even if they were unable to get out of it. Picard thinks this is a good idea especially after Worf says that the impact of lowering the shields to teleport the away team there and back would be "negligible." Geordi, however, says that it won't be good for their energy conservation."

Picard's like, "Whatever bro that's for you to figure out. Riker With Beard, you and Data head over to the ship to find out what the F is going on."

Down in Engineering Geordi tries to work out why the Enterprise can't move. COMPUTER tells him that any time the Enterprise increased their power levels the opposing force grew in direct proportion to the power output. Geordi pulls up some files on COMPUTER and then asks COMPUTER who L. Brahms is.

COMPUTER tells him that it's Dr. Leah Brahms and then lists off her credentials. Geordi opines that it "looks like she wrote the book on propulsion," and then has COMPUTER pull up the design logs. COMPUTER asks if Geordi wants visual records or Brahms' voice entries. Geordi asks for voice recordings and Dr. Leah Brahms' voice starts rambling about HARD SCI-FI and Geordi gets horny and tries to flirt with a book on tape but the book on tape isn't having it and a dejected Geordi is like, "Yeah...down to work...you're absolutely right."

On the bridge Dr. Beverly Crusher is advising Picard to evacuate and seal off all non-essential areas to better conserve energy. She also wants to set up an area to treat radiation symptoms should the need arise. Picard asks her how long everyone will have after the shields fall before fatal exposure. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that after thirty minutes of exposure there isn't anything that can be done.

At that moment Riker With Beard calls them on the phone from the battlecruiser to let Picard know that they found a mess of "memory coils." Data says that they are the same as the USB thumb drive they found earlier and Picard wonders if they might hold the Captain's Log. Riker With Beard says that they thought the same thing. Data tells Picard that he believes them to be in working order and says that they can use COMPUTER to enhance them with an image processor. This is all well and good by Picard who orders them back to the Enterprise.

Back in Engineering, Geordi and the book on tape version of Leah Brahms talk about HARD SCI-FI and my head hurts. Eventually Geordi just decides to recreate a prototype engine on a holodeck or some shit. He heads to the holodeck and it looks like a random ass lab. Maybe I misunderstood what he wanted the holodeck to do since it was all HARD SCI-FI that hurt my brain.

Geordi is impressed and asks the book on tape version of Leah if she designed all of it but she says that some of "the Federation's best engineering minds participated in its development." Geordi thinks that's just "the visiting dignitary talk," and wants to know the inside scoop but COMPUTER yells at him and tells him that "Personal logs are restricted."

Geordi gets back on the incel tip and moans, "Great...another woman who won't get personal with me on the holodeck." He then asks Book on Tape Leah if there's a way to do some HARD SCI-FI and Leah says that there is so Geordi asks her to show him and suddenly a hand touches Geordi's shoulder. He turns around and sees a lady with some extremely 80s shoulder pads standing before him as we go to break.

Back from break Geordi is confused by the presence of the holographic Leah Brahms and asks COMPUTER if he asked for such a thing. COMPUTER tells him he kind of did. He and the hologram of Leah then talk some more about HARD SCI-FI and apparently solve one of the problems Geordi was tasked with solving so Geordi phones Picard and tells him that they found a way to "extend the matter-antimatter energy supplies."

Picard congratulates him but Riker With Beard wants to know if they've got enough juice to blow this popsicle stand. Geordi tells him that they haven't worked on that yet since the first priority  was maintaining the shields but they'll get to work on it right away. Picard tells Geordi to pass his congratulations on to the rest of his team.

"Thanks, Captain. We're all smiles down here," replies Geordi, but they are not all smiles. Leah is an inert hologram.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Data confirms that the thumb drives they found were the Captain's log but most were decayed and unable to be repaired. He says that there are brief snippets of data on all of them that might contain some clue. Riker With Beard tells Data to do his best and hopes that the information they do end up with contains the info they need.

Back on the holodeck Geordi and Leah rap some more about HARD SCI-FI, it's boring and Geordi is bored with Leah not being a real girl and has COMPUTER overlay some sort of cobbled together personality profile from video footage of her at various conferences and her Starfleet personality profile analysis. COMPUTER does the deed and Leah is now more like a real girl. Geordi is horny but Leah wants to talk more about HARD SCI-FI.

Back on the bridge Data, Picard, and Riker With Beard are watching the Captain's Logs they got off those thumb drives. The alien captain in the random clips they can salvage talks about the ship getting its shit wrecked by radiation from "aceton assimilators" hidden in the planetary debris.

Picard doesn't know what "aceton assimilators" are so Data tells him that they were a kind of "primitive generator" that could "drain power from distant sources." Data goes on to say that it would be easy to modify them to convert energy to radiation. Riker With Beard then figures out how the trap would work and Picard adds that now the Enterprise is "supplying the devices with the energy" they need to kill everyone aboard the ship.

Back on the holodeck Geordi and Leah are hollerin' at each other over HARD SCI-FI. I don't care about the words they're saying. Their fight ends with hologram Leah telling Geordi that she's not used to people questioning her judgement to which Geordi replies with a very good line when he says, "And I'm not used to dying."

He says some more HARD SCI-FI words and Leah admits that Geordi is very good. He tells her that he knows his ship "inside and out," and hologram Leah replies, "Well then you must know mw inside and out because a lot of me is in here."

Uh oh...Geordi can now transfer his horniness directly to the ship. I think we're closing in on "I'm In Love With My Car," territory here.

Before Geordi can start humping an anti-matter core or whatever Riker With Beard calls and summons him to the bridge. Geordi leaves and tells hologram Leah not to go away before realizing what a dope he is and tells COMPUTER to save the program.

Back on the bridge Picard asks Data how many aceton assimilators he thinks are out there. Data replies it would take several hundred thousand to create a radiation field like the one they are currently stuck in. SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND?! JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST THAT'S A LOT!

Riker With Beard speculates that some of them must have deteriorated given how long they've been out there. Data says that it's likely but there's no way to actually calculate whether or not it's true. Picard wants to know if there's any part of the field that's weaker than the rest but Worf tells him that there isn't anything substantial but there is a 0.1% dip in strength at one point.

Riker With Beard wants to shoot some lasers at that area but Geordi advises against it since they won't be able to maintain their energy levels if they do. Data adds that the lasers might also just charge the assimilators up more. Picard tells Geordi to go back to Engineering and continue his work. He then has Worf fire some lasers but they have no effect on the assimilators and once again the Enterprise begins rapidly losing power as radiation levels increase.

"Damn you," mutters Picard.

Back on the holodeck Geordi and hologram Leah continue to work on the problem but COMPUTER suddenly interrupts and tells him that, "Energy reserves reaching critical stage. Standard procedure requires termination of all simulations." Geordi tries to override COMPUTER but is denied and Leah and the lab vanish.

"COMPUTER..." whines Geordi.

Back from break the crew is sitting in the dark in the conference room. Geordi's talking to them about the crystal lattice breaking down and how they'll need to pick up a new one at Home Depot the next time they're at a space base. Worf says that they've got less than two hours of shields and that the radiation field has increased 17%. Dr. Beverly Crusher says that will give them only 26 minutes once the shields fail before everyone dies.

Picard asks Geordi if they unplugged all the coffee makers and shut down all non-essential energy usage. Geordi tells him that they have but he needs to get back on the holodeck and then explains the lab but is careful to talk about the lady scientist he's horny for, instead choosing to play up how helpful it's been in solving their problem.

Picard agrees and has COMPUTER turn the holodeck back on for Geordi and then tells Geordi he's got an hour to figure shit out.

Back on the holodeck Geordi and hologram Leah continue to talk about HARD SCI-FI and also flirt about Italian food. Eventually hologram Leah starts massaging Geordi. AW YE YE! HERE WE GO! LET'S GET GEORDI ON THE BIG BOARD!!!!

Wait what? He tells her to stop because he doesn't want to bust a nut moments before everyone dies. They've run out of time and they have no solution since no human could do the calculations they need to make the one possible solution work fast enough. Geordi opines that not even Data could. Leah however says that she could since she's not human. Geordi then remembers that the woman he's been horny for for the past 30 minutes is actually just a computer program and is like, "Oh yeah a computer or possibly COMPUTER could do it."

Just then Picard shows up and is like, "Geordi what do you got for me my man?" He then notices Leah and makes a "WHAT IN THE FUCK?" kind of face at Geordi so Geordi explains that she's the person who designed the engines of the Enterprise. He then says that he thinks that if they turn the ship over to COMPUTER they might be able to get out of this sticky situation but he needs to do some simulations first to make sure. Picard asks him if it's the only way and Geordi tells him that he thinks it is.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Riker With Beard asks what the deal is. Picard tells him that Geordi wants to let COMPUTER fly the ship since it can make quicker adjustments than any human being could. Riker With Beard says that he's always been impressed by how computers take orders but he's not so sure how well they could creatively give orders.

Picard tells Riker With Beard that he missed out by not playing with ships in bottles and talks about all the adventures one could have with one, "manning the earliest spacecraft, flying an AERO-plane with only one propeller to keep you in the sky, Can you imagine that? Now the machines are flying us." Something about the way Picard makes the word "airplane" sound like something utterly alien that he has never said before was really funny to me but I digress we've got a Geordi to check in with.

Back on the holodeck Geordi and Leah run some simulations and one time they manage to successfully get out of the trap while in the other with the same variables they did not. Trusting in COMPUTER still only gives them a 50-50 chance of not dying which seems like better than the 0-100 odds of not dying they had before but this is not good enough for Geordi who wants to come up with a different plan of attack. Unfortunately for him the shields then fail and the ship starts getting bombarded by lethal radiation. Everyone is going to die in 26 minutes.

Picard calls on the space phone and Geordi tells him that he needs two more minutes. Picard grants it to him. Leah tells Geordi that COMPUTER is the only way but Geordi says that they need to approach the problem from the complete opposite direction and what is the opposite of COMPUTER? Apparently people are the opposites of computers in Star Trek.

Back on the bridge Geordi says that they've been trying to use RAW POWER to get out of the trap but that's exactly what the folks who designed the trap wanted people to do so what they need to do is just shut everything down except minimal life support and sort of drift out of the trap using only a pair of thrusters to maneuver through the planetary debris. 

"One propeller, Captain?" grins Riker With Beard.

Picard asks if Geordi's analyzed the risk factor. He says, "The numbers say it's even money. It's no better than turning it over to the computer, but no worse either. But I say forget the numbers. There's no way the computer can compensate for the human factor. The intuition, the experience."

Picard adds, "And the wish to stay alive. MAKE IT SO!"

Geordi offers to fly the Enterprise but Picard tells him he did his job now he'll take over. Picard relieves Wesley of his position and after Riker With Beard disables the radiation warning alarm to prevent it from being a distraction, Picard sets off drifting through a field of asteroids and shit. 

They're doing pretty good but they end up going too close to an asteroid and Data reports that the gravitational pull of the asteroid has drained their inertia by 8% and they will no longer be able to escape the trap. Picard is like, "Fuck that noise!" and aims the Enterprise directly at a big-ass asteroid and uses its gravitational pull to slingshot away from it and pick up enough momentum to escape the trap. Data is amazed. Picard just stands up like it was nothing and gives controls back to Wesley.

He then orders Geordi to initiate a full restart and get all systems back online and tells Riker With Beard to, "make sure that booby trap doesn't bother anyone again." Riker With Beard is more than happy to oblige and has Worf but the battlecruiser and a bunch of asteroids on blast.

Back on the holodeck Geordi talks to Leah and talks about how he thought that technology could solve pretty much every problem and how it improves the quality of our life before saying, "sometimes you have to turn it all off."

Leah tells him that they made a good team and Geordi tells her that maybe they can do it again in the future. Leah then delivers the horniest line of the episode when she says, "I'm with you every day, Geordi. Every time you look at this engine, you're looking at me. Every time you touch it, it's me."

They then kiss and afterwards Geordi turns off the program. Unfortunately the episode ends before he goes and fucks the engine.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

Riker With Beard seemed pretty sober throughout most of this episode. Geordi, however, should have been half in the bag for most of the episode since he was pounding shots after his shitty date and the entirety of the episode took place during like a five hour period immediately after that drinking alone sesh.

Final Thoughts

Much like how last week I was surprised by the sheer number of "Energy Being Fucks With the Enterprise" episodes in the early seasons of Star Trek: TNG, this week I'm expressing my shock at the sheer number of "Enterprise Comes Across an Old Space Ship That's Really a Trap" episodes there are. I will give this episode its due since unlike a lot of episodes where you get three acts of random bullshit before a threat shows up in act four and everything gets resolved in act five the pacing of this episode was a lot better where the threat was introduced early enough that it felt important and the solution to it felt like something that the crew earned.

As for Geordi, man does he come across as a lot more of an asshole now than he did when I was a child. Like when he's complaining to Whoopi Goldberg after his shitty date he's legitimately offering up incel talking-points and it's kind of gross especially since he doesn't really learn any sort actual lesson and just messes around with a hologram and then gets horny for an inanimate object because of something the hologram said to him. It's kind of sad.

Also since I don't really have anywhere else to put this good use of foreshadowing or motif or some sort of fancypants literary term to have that violin pirate playing a song by Brahms a couple acts before a character named Brahms was going to show up and make Geordi super horny.

Fuck Count

While the main thrust of this episode was about Geordi being horny by episode's end his horniness had been directed completely towards the Enterprise itself and so no one ended up fucking. I don't think I want to start counting every time Geordi touches the Enterprise as a sex act but I will keep an eye on how this fetish manifests in Geordi in future episodes.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)