Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E04 - Code of Honor

We continue to move right along with the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation in our quest to determine who fucked the most. Today we'll be looking at the fourth episode, Code of Honor which first aired on October 12, 1987. The episode is routinely ranked as one of the worst Star Trek episodes of any iteration of the show, but this is not going to be an attempt to determine if this infamy is warranted or not, I'm only here to count how many times people fucked. So let's get down to it!

Preexisting Prejudices
I'm pretty sure that this episode is the weirdly racist episode from season 1. If I'm not mistaken and this is indeed that episode I will say without any hyperbole whatsoever that this episode sucks all 90,032,781.356 kinds of ass that exist. At least now, because of my very specific research project, I have something to get me through awful, awful episodes such as this, namely tallying the number of times people dance the blanket hornpipe (and to a lesser extent determining how drunk Riker was during the course of the episode).

Plot Synopsis
We kick shit off with a cold open and as is generally the case with Star Trek we get Picard narrating a Captain's Log about the hook for this episode's adventure. The Enterprise is en route to a planet called Ligon II to attempt to secure a vaccine for some disease (fuck plague?) that's ravaging some random-ass Federation planet. Picard has to negotiate with the Ligonese for the aforementioned vaccine.

Picard, Troi, and Riker met Tasha Yar in the cargo bay to receive the Ligonese. We get a brief dump of lore about the Ligonese. They are apparently a race that is very similar to humans and have a culture that is very similar to human culture as well. They are a proud people. With that lore dump out of the way, the Ligonese arrive.

I would have assumed that since they were in the cargo hold they were going to arrive on a spaceship or something but they teleport in with some kind of not standard issue teleportation technology, or at least some of them do. A group of them teleport in, lay down a red carpet, and then their leader, a dude named Lutan, teleports over as well.

Picard is like, "Yo Lutan, welcome to the Enterprise my man!" and Lutan introduces his secondary, Hagon, to Picard. Picard is like, "Here are my dudes...also this is Tasha Yar, my head of security."

Lutan's like, "A WOMAN?! WTF?!" before offering Picard a sample of the vaccine.

His man, Hagon, then tries to give the vaccine directly to Picard, but Yar's all like, "Yo I need to check that out first."

Hagon bellows, "OUT OF MY WAY WOMAN!" so Yar gets all pissed off and does some judo shit on her to throw Hagon to the floor. Yar checks the vaccine and deems it to be safe and hands it to Picard.

Troi uses her X-Men powers to deduce that apologizing for Yar judo throwing Lutan's man to the floor would be seen as a sign of weakness, so instead Picard's just like, "Thanks for this vaccine. How about some entertainment now?"

Lutan agrees to be entertained and the Enterprise crew head off. Before Hagon and Lutan follow after them, Hagon whines about getting judo thrown by a lady but Lutan's like, "whatever brah, that lady might be just what I need!"

We then get that good, good, "Space! The final frontier!" opening. I know this is well outside of the parameters of this study, but the opening theme song for Star Trek: The Next Generation has to be one of the all time great television theme songs. It's memorable and captures the feel of the show while never feeling played out. It's a definite top five TV theme song of all the times for me, but I digress.

When the good, good theme song is over we go back to a bad, bad episode of Star Trek to find the Ligonese contingent and the crew of the Enterprise discussing an alliance or something in a conference room. Picard gives Lutan a ceramic horse from the Sung Dynasty because I guess even though the Ligonese all dress like "African tribesmen" stereotypes their culture is supposed to be an "ancient China" stereotype. Double racism baby!

Picard wrongly declares the Sung Dynasty to have existed in the 14th century as he gifts the horse and gets called out on it by Data. Lutan does not look the gift horse in the mouth. He does however give some long boring-ass speech about hoping that their two peoples can become friends with each other. He then dumps more lore on us in a boring-ass fashion, informing us that on Ligon II women own the land but are subservient to men or some shit. Cool, we're adding misogyny to our double racism melange...

Lutan wants to see the Holodeck and asks Yar to show it to him so that he can see how it's used to train security forces. Yar brings him to the Holodeck and summons a white ninja and shows off her aikido skills. Hagon's like, "This is bullshit! There's no way an image could kick any ass whatsoever!"

Hagon then tries his luck with White Ninja and gets judo chucked to the floor. Yar explains that the White Ninja learns from what people do so everyone has to keep working and improving in order to beat it. Lutan is impressed by Yar's karate skills.

Everyone goes back to the cargo bay so the Ligonese can go back home. They give their regards to Picard and then Lutan goes to shake Yar's hand, but then grabs her and teleport with her down to Ligon II. Picard calls for a red alert because, "THEY'RE STEALIN' ALL OUR GOOD WHITE WOMEN!!"

Back from break Picard is attempting to call Lutan but Lutan's not answering his phone. Picard orders a bunch of photo torpedoes to be shot above the planet as a show of might. GUNSHIP DIPLOMACY ALL UP IN THIS MUG! The Enterprise is unable to trace the Ligonese transport beam. Data explains that they use a similar system to an old-ass teleportation systems from Earth but Picard stares daggers at him for some reason.

Troi tells Picard that all the Ligonese were horny for Yar except for Lutan who was not only horny for Yar, but also gave off airs of avarice and ambition. Picard then decides to chill out and wait for Lutan to call him back because the Ligonese value patience or some shit.

Twenty-four hours later Picard is on tenterhooks because Lutan hasn't called him back yet. Dr. Beverly Crusher visits him in the ready room and informs Picard that she can't replicate the vaccine so they need to smooth things over with the Ligonese and get that vaccine or a bunch of people will die. Picard's like, "Yeah I've seen people die and shit and it sucks much ass!"

Dr. Beverly Crusher then asks, "May I speak to you about my son, Wesley?"

Picard cannot believe this shit and shouts, "What?!?!" Picard fucking hates the Archfiend Wesley Crusher but wants to fuck Dr. Beverly Crusher so she let's he say her piece.

She asks him to let Wesley onto the bridge even though he'd already been on the bridge in the first episode and since that time nearly got all of them killed by the goddamn asteroid from Deep Impact. Picard's like, "Fine, whatever," and goes out to the bridge and summons Wesley from out of elevator and tells him to go sit down next to Geordi. Everyone is like, "Sir?" and Picard's like, "Are all you fuckers deaf?! Wesley go do an adult's job!"

Data shows up and briefs the crew on the Ligonese. They have a strict code of honor and Lutan kidnapping Yar was akin to something the "American Indians" did called a "counting coup." Cool, let's add some more racism to the Ligonese!

Data explains that a "counting coup" is a term from a shitty obsolete language: French. This pisses off Picard, because even though he's the most British motherfucker who ever Britted, the character is actually French. Data continues to explain "counting coups" basically Lutan is a hero because he kidnapped Yar or some shit.

Lutan calls them up and Troi and Riker are like, "Ask for him to give Yar back nicely." Picard wants to ignore the "Prime Directive" and murder fools but ultimately is like, "Please give back our space lesbian." Lutan's like, "You should come down here and chill with us."

Riker wants to lead the away team, but apparently it's safer if Picard goes because he's the "leader" and the Ligonese respect leaders as honored guests and no harm will come to Picard. Riker, possibly half in the bag, waggles his finger at Picard and tells him that if he gets murdered on the planet he will "put [Picard] on report."

Picard and Troi arrive on Ligon II where they meet Lutan at his compound, which he calls his "Center Place." Lutan and Hagon show up along with Lutan's "first one," Yareena. Lutan welcomes Picard and tells him that if he needs or wants anything all he need do is say the word. Picard's like, "Fine. I want to see Yar."

Lutan criticizes Picard since I guess asking to see a friend that a Ligonese had kidnapped is bad form, but Lutan has Yar brought out all the same. She tells Picard that she's fine and that she's wearing the Ligonese guards out. Now this might be The Start Trek Fuck Report, but the guy who brought her out appeared to be missing and eye, so I can only assume that Yar gouged the dude's fucking eyeball out and that's what she meant when she said she was "wearing them out." Anyway Lutan says that he'll return Yar at a banquet in the evening and that's the end of it.

At the banquet there's a dude casually juggling axes while people bag sticks together. Picard then gives a speech where he's super deferential to Lutan and grovels, asking for Yar back, but Lutan's like, "Fuck that shit, I'm marrying this chick!"

His wife, Yareena, is not pleased with this and demands satisfaction. She challenges Yar to a fight to the death and Picard's like, "This is fucking insane! No way!"

Lutan is like, "Fine. No vaccine for you then."

Back on the Enterprise Riker uses technology to scan Lutan's "Center Place." He suddenly gets an email for some sort of Star Base informing him that the New and Improved Fuck Plague on Styris IV is even more severe than at first they thought it would be and if they didn't secure the vaccine millions could die. SHIT HAS JUST GOTTEN REAL!

Back on Ligon II, Picard and Troi pay Yar a visit as she stretches. Troi's like, "I bet you liked it when Lutan was like. 'I'm totally marrying this chick!'" Yar, who had just one episode earlier, explained her tragic backstory where she'd spent a childhood avoiding "rape gangs," is like, "Well, Lutan, the man who just kidnapped me is pretty handsome...HEY YOU TRICKED ME!"

Talk then turns to Yar's odds. Yar is confident that she can murder the shit out of Yareena. Troi agrees with this but Picard's like, "Let me try diplomacy one more time before anyone murders the shit out someone."

He goes outside and overhears Lutan and Hagon talking about Yareena's wealth and lands. He apparently needs these to maintain his power but if she dies he'll get all her lands and money so whatever happens he wins. Picard is like, "I guess so. I'll make Yar fight then as long as we get some vaccine." He and Lutan then toast each other.

Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Data walks in on Geordi as he shaves. Data's like, "Why aren't you using the razor I got for you?" and Geordi's like, "It was too perfect man. I like the imperfection of this one. Using shitty razors is part of the human experience." Data then tries to tell a joke but it's clearly a joke he got out of 101 Jokes for Kids to Tell or something of that ilk that he bought from an elementary school book fair.

Fortunately for all of us Picard calls them and orders them to beam down to the planet which they do. Picard tells them to examine the weapons that will be used in the fight to the death and try to find anything that could help Yar. Data asks if this is another human joke. It is not. It is a captain's orders.

Back on the Enterprise. the best people are working around the clock to investigate Lutan's compound so they can teleport Yar out of there if things go south.

Later on in Yar's chambers, Yareena comes to see her at Yar's request. Yar's like, "Look, I don't want to fight you. I just want the vaccine, you can have Lutan." Yareena doesn't believe her though and promises to murder the shit out of Yar for trying to take her man. Yar's like, "Where I come from, it's more honorable to not fight," but Yareena channels her inner-Axl Rose and is all like, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?! YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY!"

Yar tells Picard that Yareena's pretty gung-ho about fighting for her man. They are then joined by Data and Geordi who report on the weapons they found. They are all very sharp, covered in poison, and exceptionally light. A moment later Hagon arrives with several boxes containing the weapons that are going to be used: a porcupine fist. As Yar looks over the weapon, the other hear Yareena practicing in the arena.

Later, Data beams back up to the Enterprise to tell Riker and Dr. Beverly Crusher Captain Picard's zany plan.

Back down on Ligon II Picard, Troi, Geordi, and Yar enter the arena which is basically a goddamn jungle gym. Yar's got a sick Rambo headband on, because really what else would she be wearing. Yareena comes out in a leotard and she's got prize fighter robes on. She's ready to go.

The fight scene is very bad. I watch a lot fake fighting. If I'm being honest, the vast majority of pop culture I consume involves people pretending to punch and kick each other so I'm something of a connoisseur of fake karate and this here? This ain't it.

At on point the porcupine glove that Yareena was wearing gets shoved into an electrified pole which sends the glove flying into the gut of a dude sitting ringside. In seconds the dude is a goddamn corpse. The match is stopped while the glove is retrieved and after it's returned we get more bad fighting on a jungle gym.

Eventually Yar murders Yareena and then immediately dives on top of her and the two of them are beamed back up to the Enterprise where Dr. Beverly Crusher does medical science on Yareena in an effort to save her.

Back on the planet, Lutan is like, "Aw man, you guys cheated!" but Picard's like, "No bro, Yareena totally died." Hagon adds that now that Yareena's dead, all her lands now belong to Lutan. Lutan is pleased with this outcome and agrees to give the vaccine to Picard so Picard phones the Enterprise and tells them to send some dudes down to collect the vaccines. He then orders the away team as well as Lutan and Hagon beamed back up.

Back on the Enterprise Lutan is brought to the lounge where he sees his wife totally not a dead. He's all like, "WTF is this?! That was supposed to be a fight to the death!" The crew of the Enterprise is all like, "She totally died dude but Dr. Beverly Crusher used her knowledge of medical science to bring her back to life. We can show you reports about her dying if you want."

Since Yareena technically died, her marriage to Lutan is over or something but she gets to keep all her lands. She's pissed off at Lutan but heard Hagon cry out for her during the fight so she's like, "You want to be my First One?" Hagon's all like, "Fuck yes I do!"

Yareena then asks Yar if she wants Lutan. Yar says she doesn't because there would be complications which I'm assuming are due to the fact that she's a lesbian. Yareena's like, "I guess I'll take him back as my Second One." She then tells Lutan to put on the sad polo shirt of a cuckold and take him place.

Later, with the vaccine safely secured, the crew then blasts off for adventure in Styris IV: Home of the New and Improved Fuck Plague!

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker was hardly in this episode which made an already shit episode even worse. When he was on screen he was telling his boss off and wagging his finger in his boss' face but he didn't sexually harass anyone or dominate any chairs so I'm guessing he was only mildly Rikered in this particular episode. Maybe like a 2 or 2.5 on a scale of 10.

Final Thoughts
This episode fucking sucked. It was racist as fuck and no one even fucked in it so it had absolute no bearing on my extremely scientific study. Add to that minimal Riker and more goddamn Boy Genius Wesley Crusher than anyone ever needs and you've got a shitheap of an episode. Unless you're doing a scientific study avoid this one like a fuck plague or whatever the plague on Styris IV that begot this piece of shit was.

Fuck Count
A fucking goose egg. All this bullshit and not a single person fucked.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 2