Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E05 - The Last Outpost

So we go from one racist sterotype to another with episode five of season one. Premiering on October 19, 1987, The Last Outpost, saw the first appearance of the Ferengi, a race that had been mentioned  back in the first episode (or maybe the second episode since it was a two parter that I saw as a single thing rather than split in two chunks), but I digress. Looking like a mix of Nosferatu and a Nazi propaganda drawing of a Jew, the Ferengi were originally to be the chief adversaries of the Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but from this initial appearance they were shit upon by the general public for being both super racist and also not serious enough to be seen as an actual threat in the way Klingons and Romulans were in the Original Series. Luckily someone came up with the Borg during season 2 and Gene Roddenberry also died at some point so his nonsensical, "NO STORIES ABOUT KLINGONS OR ROMULANS!" directive started getting ignored, but I really digress.

This is not a report about racist stereotypes and the executive decisions that go into making a show like Star Trek. This is a report about who fucked on Star Trek. So let's get down to it!

Preexisting Prejudices
I did not realize how racist the Ferengi actually looked when I watched this as a small child. To be completely honest the thing that's stuck with me all these years is not the shitty Jewish stereotypes with the fangs and money-grubbing ways, it's the fact that Ferengi are totally nude when they get married. Whether that bit of lore appears in this episode or one of the subsequent Ferengi appearances on TNG or DS9 I can't say, but that's the first thing my mind goes to when the Ferengi are mentioned: ALL KINDS OF NUDITY!

Plot Synopsis
We start shit off with a high speed chance through space as the Enterprise chases down a Ferengi ship that stole some Power Converters from Tosche Station or something. I guess no one in the Federation has ever actually encountered the Ferengi before which makes Picard's threat to the current and reigning SCI-FI NAME CHAMPION, Groppler Zorn that the Ferengi would eat him, kind of blood libelous.

The Ferengi ship suddenly drops to sub-warp speed. The crew on the Enterprise theorize that the ship's engines are toast due to a sudden power surge they detected. The Ferengi ship fires on the Enterprise, but Picard's like, "Eh, we were chasing them. Makes sense they'd shoot at us," so he doesn't return fire. Suddenly the Enterprises systems begin to fail as the Ferengi ship turns around. Picard and Co. are sitting space ducks! TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good-ass opening theme we return to the bridge of the Enterprise where the crew attempts to make sense of how they were able to be trapped by the Ferengi. Data says that most of the information on the Ferengi is hearsay and rumors and those rumors contradict each other 9 times out of 10. Picard's like, "Well, tell me the shit that isn't contradicted by other shit."

Data tells Picard that the Ferengi are more or less traders and they value the almighty dollar over all things, not unlike the Yankee traders of yore. Riker's like, "Yankee traders of yore?! Those were my people! Man I can't wait to meet these Ferengi!" Data's like, "Don't expect them to be wearing red, white and blue and singing the praises of Uncle Sam though," but Riker's totally pumped up to meet old timey Yankee traders who probably have a clipper ship or some shit and scream stuff like, "FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE!"

Worf doesn't know who Uncle Sam is and Yar's like "Why would they wear such bright, garish colors." This leads to Picard being all like "Those were US and A's colors but they got the order wrong, it should be blue, white, and red. VIVE LA FRANCE!!!"

Data then randomly lists off the colors of other flags until Picard's like, "Dude this doesn't help us at all!" and Data's like "You started it Sir." Picard then tries to call engineering, but the intercom is busted or something so he sends Geordi and then like two seconds later also sends Riker.

Down in engineering Riker and Geordi are bros with each other and come up with a plan to escape the Ferengi force field. Geordi's all like, "We shift down then kick hard into warp nine! Yeah, come back fightin'! WOOWEE!!!!" Such bro-dudes. They inform Picard of their bro-tastic scheme and Picard's on board with it.

Back on the bridge they all get ready to put their plan into action. To distract the Ferengi or something, Picard tries to hail them, demanding they return to power converters, but there is no reply from the Ferengi ship. The Enterprise then attempt Riker and Geordi's bro-dude escape plan, but like all plans laid by drunks, it completely and utterly fails.

To make matters all the more fucked up someone, or something is accessing the Enterprise's computers and is reading all their shit and looking at their porn and stuff. Troi's all like, "We were so busy with this Ferengi spaceship that we never considered what's going on with that planet down there." CHEKOV'S PLANET ALL UP IN THIS MUG!

Picard has the crew meet him in the conference room for a staff meeting. He asks if anyone has any ideas on how to best deal with the Ferengi. Yar and Worf are like, "We should wreck shop on them and shoot a mess of lasers and photon torpedoes at them." Picard's like, "No way man!" Troi thinks that he should try contact them again. Everyone then is dismissed and Picard's like, "Riker, what about you? What do you think we should do?"

Riker replies, "Just don't get us all killed boss!"

Back out on the bridge, Picard again hails the Ferengi and asks them to present their terms. A moment later a reply comes from the Ferengi ship. A dude named Daimon Tarr says that he is willing to discuss surrender. Picard mutes the call and is like, "Ho shit, they're trapped too and then think we did it!"

They get back to talking to Tarr and ask him to show himself so they can negotiate a surrender. Tarr appears in all his racist Jewish stereotype glory and after saying "the ugliness of the Ooman was not an exaggeration!" says that he will return the power converter and also offers the lives of his second officers as is in accordance with the Ferengi Code.

Data leans over to Geordi and elbows him and is like, "Thank God Starfleet doesn't have that code right Second Officer Geordi?"

Picard calls another staff meeting and they head back to the conference room. There are a couple of random-ass kids named Matthew and Pola in there that Riker attempts to shoo away before Picard sees them and goes absolutely berserk via hating children.

Data starts to relay what is known about the planet they're stranded above, but as he gives his Powerpoint presentation he starts fucking around with a Chinese finger trap and gets stuck. Picard helps him get out of it and Data explains that the planet appears to be the most distant outpost of the long extinct Tkon Empire, an empire that fell a bajillion years ago when their star exploded or imploded, undoubtedly infecting everyone with fuck plague, because that is what happens if people are near an exploding sun. They then get some data from a probe they launched that confirms that both ships are trapped in a force field that's coming from the surface of the planet.

Back on the bridge, Picard phones up the Ferengi but they've also discovered the true nature of the force field. Daimon Tarr says the surrender is off and Picard's like, "Sure man. How about we work together to solves this problem that's fucking up all our shit?" The Enterprise and the Ferengi agree to work together and each send a team to the surface to figure out what the shit is going on.

Riker, Geordi, Data, Worf and Yar beam down to the surface even though they'll have no way to beam back on board and probably will lose communication ability as well. REAL HEROES Y'ALL!

Anyway the away team appears on the planet but they all get separated. Riker looks around for his buddies, first finding Data who is fucking around with some giant crystals that he declares to be "nothing to write home about." They next find Geordi who's stuck upside down. As they try to help him down the Ferengi appear and attack with those whips that Mickey Rourke had in Iron Man 2, knocking them the fuck out.

Back on the Enterprise shit's getting real bad. They are rapidly running out of power and systems are failing. All remaining power has been diverted to the family decks to attempt to save them, but it's dark and getting ever colder. Picard asks Dr. Beverly Crusher where Wesley is and she tells him that he's back in their quarters. She says that she thought about giving him a sedative but didn't and Picard's like, "Good he has the right to meet death while awake!"

Dr. Beverly Crusher replies, "What the fuck kind of macho bullshit is that?"

Picard mumbles something back at her under his breath.

Back on the planet, one of the Ferengi is poking at Riker's cellphone badge. He takes it off declaring it to look like gold and taste like gold. Riker comes to at this point and yells at them that it is gold.

The Ferengi then plot to kill the Enterprise crew and take their shit and then tell their boss that the Oomans attacked first. There is a sudden clap of thunder and the Ferengi, who if memory serves correctly have super sensitive ears, are pained by this. Worf suddenly rises from the mists that swirl on the planet and he fucking goes HAM on the Ferengi. The Enterprise crew brawl with the Ferengi and seem to be getting the advantage until Yar shows up with a phaser pointed at the Ferengi.

The Ferengi are shocked that the Oomans allow a "female" to work with them...and also force them to wear clothes. The two groups argue again and start shooting lasers at each other, but the "nothing to write home about" crystals absorb the laser blasts. Riker & Co. figure out the mystery of mysterious planet, but it suddenly gets way more mysterious when a booming voice echos across the planet and a mysterious figure emerges from the swirling mists.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR OLD ASS BRIAN MAY FROM QUEEN!

Oh fuck it's my old nemesis Brian May of Queen. He's old as fuck here and lacking that goddamn Brian May guitar sound, but his sound is still terrible, completely wreckin' shop on the Ferengi whenever he does stuff.

He says that his name is Portal 69 and he's a guardian of the Tkon Empire. He asks if anyone wants to enter the Empire. Riker and Data are like, "Son you're straight tripping. The Tkon Empire hasn't existed for like a bajillion years!"

The Ferengi meanwhile try to butter Portal 69 up, saying that Oomans are liars. They say that the Oomans are savage barbarians who are shit at business for not selling weapons to undeveloped civilizations and the fact that they make their women walk around in clothes is a sign that they're all fucked in the head. They promise Portal 69 that they'll kill all Oomans if he gives them back their ship.

Riker however accepts Portal 69's trial to prove that they are not they monsters that the Ferengi make them out to be. Portal quotes Sun Tzu and uses Riker's name at him. I guess he's got X-Men powers or some shit. Portal 69 then moves towards him at too many frames per second swinging a goddamn halberd and stops with the blade right next to Riker's head. Riker cool as a cucumber (probably due to being completely hammered) doesn't flinch.

Riker tells him "Fear is the true enemy, the only enemy."

This is apparently enough to pass Portal 69's trial. He tells Riker that he wants to know more about Sun Tzu and Earth since its history seems similar to Tkon. Riker asks Portal 69 to release the Enterprise and Portal 69 is like, "Sure thing champ." Back on the Enterprise everyone wakes up from their brink of death naps as the ship's power comes back online.

Portal 69 tells Riker that usually he just blows up ships that are fighting near his planet, but when he saw that the Enterprise and the Ferengi were willing to put aside their differences and work together to resolve the problem, he was curious and that curiosity staid his hand. Portal 69 then asks Riker if he wants him to murder the Ferengi.

Riker's like, "Nah, they're all like we were a few hundred years ago. Hopefully they'll learn from all this and do better in the future just like humans did."

"What if they never learn?" asks 69.

"That's a risk we're willing to take or some shit," replies Riker, "So what about you man? Your Empire's toast. What are you going to do now?"

"Sleep my dude! Until I'm needed again. Smell ya later brah!" Portal 69 then vanishes in a flash of thunder and lightning causing the Ferengi to grasp their ears once more.

The away team returns and Picard's like "Good job my dudes! The ship's back online and the Ferengi returned our power converter." Data uses his idiom of the calendar expression and tells Picard that it's "something to write home about."

Riker meanwhile is like, "Thanks Boss. By the way, do you think I could send a box of these goddamn Chinese finger traps that are all over the place to the Ferengi as a thank you gift for all they did?"

"MAKE IT SO!" shouts Picard. I haven't been paying too close attention to Picard yelling "MAKE IT SO!" but I think this might be the first appearance of this particular Picard catchphrase.

The Ferengi ship leaves and Picard tells Geordi to engage, but Geordi's fucking around with a Chinese finger trap so Data engages the ship for him and the Enterprise blasts off to further adventures!

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker did a pretty goddamn good job of concealing any intoxication he might have been suffering from during this adventure, particularly during the ordeal of Brain May of Queen. Dude was cool as a cucumber when old ass Brian May was moving too many frames per second with a goddamn halberd. An impressive show of acting like he wasn't three sheet to the wind from Riker Without Beard this week.

Final Thoughts
While this was a minor improvement over the previous episode it still sucked a lot of ass, especially if someone is looking for data to prove once and for all which character fucked the most. I mean the only horniness that this episode had at all was Dr. Beverly Crusher calling Picard Jean-Luc after waking up from her brink of death nap. Do better Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation! Some of us are doing research here and don't need these goddamn one-shot adventures with an offensive racial stereotype alien. We need fucking! I swear to Odin if the next episode sees the crew of the Enterprise encounter an alien race that is just Mexican stereotypes I might have to take a break.

Fuck Count
Another adventure with uncomfortable racial stereotypes, another fuckless episode. Hopefully the action picks up soon.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 2