Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E06 - Where No One Has Gone Before

I must confess that I'm becoming somewhat discouraged in my quest to determine accurately which character on Star Trek: The Next Generation fucked most frequently. The past couple episode have been completely devoid of anything close to fucking while amping up the gross, problematic for even 1987 racism. I hope that with this episode see a Warren G. Harding-esque "return to normalcy," and people stop being racist and start being horny.

Preexisting Prejudices
I most certainly saw this episode back when it premiered on October 26, 1987 and most likely saw it again in college when one of the local channels would air two episodes of TNG back to back every weekday evening starting at 5:00, but I have absolutely no memory of what happens here based on the brief plot description I looked at. Unfortunately for me it seems to be a Wesley Crusher centered episode which means it will probably be beyond unbearable because Wesley Crusher is the absolute dirt-worst.

Plot Synopsis
The Enterprise is hauling ass through space accompanied by the USS Fearless. The Enterprise is going to beam over a guy from the Fearless who knows about space engines or something to upgrade the Enterprises warp drive. The space engine guy has already upgraded warp drives on the Ajax and the Fearless, improving engine efficiency by [insert a random-ass number here]%.

Riker, however, is skeptical. The engine expert, a dude named Kosinski, had sent over some preliminary data that Riker had Data analyze. Data ran some simulations and found them to have no impact whatsoever on the efficiency of the Enterprise's space engine. Picard's like, "Well, there's no harm in letting the dude try it out," and then sends Riker to meet the space engine expert Kosinski in the transport room. Riker asks to take Troi with him and Picard's makes it so.

Riker and Troi go down to the transport room with some dude named Chief Engineer Argyle. HAHAHAHA! His name is Argyle! Anyway Kosinski arrives with an alien assistant who apparently has a name that's unpronounceable to humans. Kosinski is a douchelord to Riker and wants to know why the captain isn't there to meet him. Riker's like, "Dude he's the captain, he's got a shit ton of stuff to do." He then offers to take Kosinski to engineering, but Kosinski's a douchelord again and is like, "You think I don't know where the engine room is on a goddamn spaceship!?" and he heads off with his assistant.

Troi says that Kosinski is a douchelord and arrogant but with his assistant it's as if he's not there. She gets no reading on him whatsoever with her X-Man powers. Personally I think something's going on with Kosinski. Dude doesn't even have a cellphone badge on his uniform...

After the cool-ass opening we check in at engineering. Kosinski immediately endears himself to me by being like, "The fuck is that kid doing here?!" when he sees the Archfiend Wesley Crusher working at a random engineering station. Riker says that Wesley is doing a school project and then tries to ask Kosinski what the fuck kind of math his formula used since it didn't do shit.

Kosinski cuts him off and calls him dumb and that he doesn't have to explain himself but Riker's like, "Actually you do you piece of shit," so Kosinski begins explaining sci-fi math or maybe sci-fi physics. Since I was in the sci-fi arts & humanities college at my university this all goes over my sci-fi head.

Kosinski's assistant starts doing calculations on a computer while Wesley watches him. Wesley tells the assistant that what he did looks wrong and offers some corrections. Fuckin' Boy Genius Wesley Crusher all up in this mug... ☹️ (super scientific frowny emoticon).

Riker asks Argyle if Kosinski's stupid modifications will damage the ship and Argyle's all like, "They won't do anything to the ship." Kosinski gets all pissed off and yells at them for talking about him like he's not even there. Ultimately it is decided that they will test out Kosinski's mods.

Up on the bridge Picard has Geordi take the Enterprise to warp 1.5.

Down in engineering Kosinski and his assistant punch random data into computers. Alarms start going off and Kosinski shouts at his assistant who apparently fucked something up. The Enterprise suddenly goes it goddamn OVERDRIVE and blasts off to adventure like it's a job that it loves. Back down in engineering Kosinski's assistant randomly becomes invisible and shit while the Archfiend Wesley Crusher watches on.

Up on the bridge, Geordi tells Picard that they're passing warp 10. Data informs Picard that their velocity is off the scales. All kinds of trippy shit happens outside as the Enterprise hauls ass through the cosmos faster than it has ever hauled ass through the cosmos before. Picard orders them to reverse the engines but Data's like, "No one has ever reversed engines at this speed before...in no small part because no one has actually gone this fast before."

They make it so and the Enterprise comes to a stop and emerges in some weird ass galaxy. Picard asks for the ship's position and Geordi replies that they've traveled a bajillion light years away from their initial position. Data says that his scanners are telling him that they are in the M-33 galaxy which is, as Geordi said, a bajillion light years away. Geordi then tells Picard that if they were to travel at maximum warp speed it would take them over 300 years to get back home.

Back from commercial break Kosinski, Riker and Argyle make their way up onto the bridge. Picard's like, "WTF happened down there?!"

Kosinski tells him that he fucked up but it was a wonderous fuck up. He is amped as fucked that he has broken the warp barrier and is certain that he will go down in history, but Riker still thinks the guy is a complete and total idiot.

Back down in engineering, Wesley Crusher chats with the assistant. Because Wesley Crusher is a fucking boy genius he realizes that the assistant is the one who is upgrading all the ships and Kosinski really is as dumb as Riker thinks he is.

The assistant then tells Wesley that he meant no harm to the ship or anyone on board and that he made a mistake. The assistant then is like, "Fuck, I'm tired..." Wesley Crusher is like, "My mom's a doctor, I can go get her to help," but the assistant is like, "No thanks chief."

Boy Genius, Wesley Crusher, then is like, "Dude I was looking at your equations and it looked like time and space and thought are all the same thing." The assistant freaks the fuck out and is like, "DON'T EVER SUCH THINGS! Uh...in a world that's not ready for it."

Back on the bridge, Picard is like, "So my dudes what the shit should we do?"

Data wants to study some growing star but Picard's like, "Nah let's get home and then Starfleet can send a legit science ship here with Kosinski's formula and study that star. He then tells Kosinski to go back down to engineering and get them back to from whence they came.

Down in engineering Boy Genius Wesley Crusher tries to tell Riker that the assistant is all kinds of fucked up but Riker's like, "Yeah yeah cool that's really nice. Tell me about it later, okay?"

Kosinski prepares to take them back home and once again the Enterprise hauls ass like it has never hauled ass before, but as they input their formulas it becomes clear to Kosinski that things are all kinds of fucked. As the ship barrels through space Riker sees Kosinski's assistant flicker and vanish before collapsing on the console.

The Enterprise continues hauling all kinds of ass through space while all kinds of wacky shit appears on the Enterprise's TV. Picard orders a full stop. When the Enterprise comes to a stop it's clear that they are not back in their galaxy. Outside the ship there's all kinds of weird shit flying around a neon blue abyss. Data declares that they are "where no one has gone before." EPISODE TITLE IN FULL EFFECT!

Back from break we learn that the Enterprise is now a gazillion light years away from the Milky Way. Picard is sick of this shit and gets into the turbolift to go see what the fuck is going on in engineering. After Picard fucks off the rest of the crew hears some weird snuffling noise and Worf loses his shit.

His pet targ (looks like a warthog with spikes on it) from when he was a kid is now chilling on the bridge. He pets the thing and Yar is like, "So that thing's like a kitty cat?" Worf admits that it is, and then the targ disappears and as soon as the targ vanishes a cat appears.

Yar recognizes and pets it and is suddenly transported with the cat back to the planet she grew up on. A rape gang is lurking behind her and she tells the cat that they need to get out of there. Geordi touches Yar and she snaps back to reality and tells Geordi that she was back home with the rape gangs.

Elsewhere so sweet 80s horror movie synth music plays. Picard opens the turbolift door and nearly steps out into the nothingness of space but then jumps back into the turbolift. The doors to the lift open again and Picard steps out into a hallway where a couple of anonymouse crewmen are fleeing in terror from something that Picard cannot see.

We get a montage of various crew members tripping balls due to being at the edge of the universe. One dude is playing violin with some powdered wig fucks and another lady is randomly doing a ballet recital. Picard sees the ballet recital lady and is all like, "YO! WTF ARE YOU DOING?!" and the lady stops doing ballet.

Unfortunately for him, Picard begins tripping balls again a moment later and sees his dead mom like he's Sixth Sense or some shit. She's drinking tea and has made a cup for him. Picard talks to his dead mom for a bit but gets interrupted by Riker and when Picard looks back his dead mom is gone. Picard's all like, "This is super fucked up," and then puts the ship on red alert and goes down to engineering. Picard gets on the horn and is like, "Yo, we're at the edge of the universe and whatever you think about becomes reality to stop thinking!"

Down in engineering Dr. Beverly Crusher is examining Kosinski's assistant who is knocked out. Riker tells Picard that it was the assistant, not Kosinski who made the ship's engines go buckwild. Dr. Beverly Crusher informs them that the assistant is dying as we head into commercial break.

Back from the ad-break we find ourselves in the sickbay where Dr. Beverly Crusher is observing the assistant. None of her equipment is able to scan him well though so she has no idea what's happening to him. Picard's like, "Whatever, just wake him up. He's the only hope we have of getting back home before the crew's thoughts completely wreck shop on the Enterprise."

The assistant wakes up and does a plot dump, explaining that he is a traveler who is traveling through the galaxy observing things. He explains that he's used his knowledge of engines to get passage on Starfleet ships and that he's been using Kosinski as cover. The Traveler then says that he didn't mean for this to happen and never meant any harm to the Enterprise. He says that humans aren't meant to be at the edge of the universe until the distant future when they finally learn how to control their thoughts.

Picard is like, "Solid plot dump buddy, but the real question is whether or not you can get us home."

The Traveler says that he'll give it the old college try and then asks for a moment alone with Picard. Everyone else fucks off leaving The Traveler and Picard alone together. The Traveler wants to talk to him about that goddamn Boy Genius, Wesley Crusher. The Traveler says that people like Wesley are why he travels before comparing him to Mozart only instead of making music he can do shit with spaceships. The Traveler urges Picard to give Wesley encouragement but not to tell him or his mother anything that he just said.

The Traveler is fading fast but Picard helps him up and brings him to Riker so they can go down to engineering. Picard then makes his way to the bridge and runs into a random-ass crew member trapped behind a wall of fire that he imagined into existence. Picard tells him to stop thinking about fire and the fire goes out. This seemed like a pretty arbitrary spot for this particular scene but this is a study into the behind the scenes decisions that go into the making of a particular episode of TNG, this is an exploration into who fucked the most, so let's continue.

Down in engineering The Traveler prepares to return to wherever they were when this entire space misadventure began. Up on the bridge, Picard gets on the horn and makes a shipwide announcement that everyone needs to think about home or the Traveler's well-being. This is a dumb announcement because I think like 4 people on the ship know who "The Traveler" is and only a couple more know him as "Kosinski's assistant." The bulk of the people aboard the Enterprise probably had no idea that that dude was even aboard the ship, but I digress.

Down in engineering The Traveler asks Kosinski to assist him in getting the Enterprise back and together they start punching numbers and shit into computers. Up on the bridge they bring the ship up to warp 1.5. The Traveler uses his traveler powers to send them back to where they came from, but he's all kinds of fucked up. Wesley Crusher holds the Traveler's hand and that is enough to give The Traveler the strength he needs to cause the ship to go wild again and go hurtling through space.

Oh for fucks sake! Why is Wesley Crusher always the solution to every goddamn problem in this fucking show? It is so annoying! Anyway they get back to where they started from but the Traveler has faded from existence, never to be seen again...until he shows back up in a later episode (or in later episodes I can't really remember).

Later, Picard summons Wesley Crusher to the bridge and thanks him for his help in getting them home safely. He then promotes Wesley to acting ensign, "for conduct in the true spirit and traditions of Starfleet," and tells him that he well enroll in the Academy as soon as possible. Picard then tells Riker to make a duty roster for Wesley heavy on education and tells Wesley to learn everything he can about the ship.

They then ask Wesley if they should tell his mom of if he wants to tell her himself. He says that he'll tell her but for the time being he'd "like to sit here for awhile." Christ on a crutch do I hate Boy Genius Wesley Crusher! Anyway the Enterprise blasts off to adventure bringing yet another fuckless episode to a close.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker's Rikeredness really came in handy this episode. While everyone else was seeing warthogs, and ballet recitals, and rape gangs due to being at the edge of the universe, Riker was able to once again focus on the mission at hand undoubtedly due to years and years of being completely shitfaced while attempting to command a spaceship.

Final Thoughts
I am starting to hate how important Wesley Crusher is in these early episodes. The character is annoying as fuck and yet always saves the day for no reason whatsoever, only now there is a reason: Wesley Crusher is a "the chosen one," according to the random alien that they encountered in this episode. I have a feeling this new development is going to make him even more insufferable because one of the few good things about his character existing was how much Picard hated him and now I have a feeling we're going to get a kinder, gentler Picard with regards to his interactions with Wesley Crusher which is something I cannot get behind.

Fuck Count
Another episode with no fucking whatsoever. At least there wasn't any racism.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 2