Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E13 - Datalore

First appearing on television on January 18, 1988, Datalore was the 13th episode of the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. This episode is the first of many evil twin episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I don't give a shit about any of that shit, I'm only here for the fucking, so let's get down to it!

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't recall any specifics about this episode but recall the episode with Double Datas sucking much ass. I don't know if that's true or not. Let's find out.

Plot Synopsis
While en route to somewhere the Enterprise passes Omicron Theta, Data's home planet. They decide to go take a look around since they have a couple hours to kill and apparently an entire Earth colony disappeared from there Roanoke Colony style a bunch of years earlier. Scans of the planet from the Enterprise turn up zero life, whatsoever.

Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher walks in on Data practicing sneezing and asks him if he has a cold or something. Data doesn't understand what he's talking about so Wesley's like, "Yo whatever, Captain Picard wanted to see you up on the bridge."

Data goes up on the bridge and Picard asks him if he remembers anything about the planet. He does not. Picard welcomes him home as he joins Riker's away team to travel to the planet. They then beam down onto the planet almost exactly where Data was discovered by a Starfleet ship some time in the past. I guess he has the memories of 411 colonists or something and wants to find out why. Will he? We'll find out after that good, good opening theme song!

Post-theme song we're back with the away team on Omicron Theta where they're scanning stuff and realizing that there's 0% life on the planet which is weird as fuck. The use Data's knowledge of topographical maps to return to the exact place he was discovered. It's a rock outcropping on a sound stage!

Back in the day Data was randomly laying out in the open here on this very sound stage and some beacon turned him on when the Starfleet crew arrived. That's some good plot dumping about Data.

While Data's dumping all this plot on us, Geordi is hard at work using V.I.S.O.R. to scope the rock outcropping. There's apparently a hidden door in the rocks that Geordi opens up. The crew goes down a secret corridor into a underground base.

The underground base is pretty much what you'd expect to find in a 24th(?) century underground base built into a rock outcropping. There are some weird sci-fi machines, some shitty kid's artwork on the wall and a room with a smoke machine in it that causes a cloud of smoke to spread out from it when the door is opened, but more about that later.

Riker presses Data for information about the base. He says he doesn't know what the children's drawings are of, but thinks they give off an air of danger. He does however recognize one of the sci-fi machines as being used by a Dr. Nunian Soong.

Thankfully Geordi is here to plot dump for us and inform us that Dr. Soong was Earth's foremost expert on robots until he failed to create some kind of robot brain he said he could make and fled Earth in disgrace? Because what he did was a crime? The way the talk about it it seems like it was just that he was shamed, but they also mention Soong traveling under an assumed name so maybe he was doing some real ethically questionable shit. I don't know to be honest. Why am I talking about this? Because thinking about this little throw away line of dialogue is far more interesting than anything else that happened in this episode.

Riker sends Worf and Yar to go explore the rest of the base while he, Geordi, and Data walk around the sci-fi lab part of the base. They find some molds that fit perfectly on Data's head as Yar calls Riker and tells him that the rest of the base is completely empty. He tells her to come back.

Riker, Geordi, and Data then open the door to the aforementioned smoke machine room and discover a heap of Data parts. It's enough to build another Data. Data is amped as fuck about this discovery and pleads with Riker to bring the parts back to the Enterprise so they can attempt to put him together.

We return from commercial break to find a team of engineers and doctors attempting to reassemble Data II from the parts collected from the underground base. The way this scene was shot looks really weird and makes me uncomfortable. That Argyle dude is still the chief engineer or something and he's leading the team reassembling Data II.

He determines that "it" (Data II) has the same basic form as Data and asks Data if he can examine him later if he needs to compare the internal circuitry between Data I and Data II. Data seems to be fine with this.

Data then goes to talk with Picard, Geordi and Riker in a conference room. They're all being super weird about the fact that Data is a robot or something. If this was a show from the modern era I'd probably say this scene is an allegory for people coming out as LGBT or something, but it's from 1988 so it's probably just to be taken at face value and is a scene in which space explorers are weirded out by the fact that their buddy is a robot.

Data is summoned back to the laboratory by Dr. Beverly Crusher and Argyle. They need to compare Data's parts to those of Data II so they can try to finish assembling Data II. Data shows Dr. Beverly Crusher where his off switch is and then makes her promise to keep it a secret.

"If you had an off switch, doctor… would you not keep it secret?" he asks her.

She tells him that she won't tell a soul and then she and Argyle knock Data the fuck out and cut him open so that they can compare his internal circuitry with that of Data II. The operation apparently was a success and they close the Datas back up and wait.

Riker and Picard arrive to check on the two Datas. Data II is still knocked the fuck out and Picard is like, "I wonder which of these two robots were made first." Data II suddenly opens his eyes and tells Picard that, Data I was and then introduces himself as Lore rather than Data II and says that he was created to replace Data who their creator deemed to be imperfect.

Coming out of the commercial break we check in with Picard who is pressing Data for information about Lore: "How smart is he? How strong is he? Does he have all the same features as you? Could he also fuck a space lesbian infected with a nasty fuck plague?" Data says that they seem to be more or less equal in all those areas. Picard then asks Data where his loyalties lie when push comes to shove. Data tells Picard that he is loyal to Picard and Starfleet above all else.

They then leave Picard's office and walk onto the bridge where Wesley Crusher and Geordi LaForge are explaining how to fly the Enterprise to Lore. These guys are dumb as fuck. Like Lore is just some random-ass robot that they found and know nothing about. He's not a Starfleet officer or anything so he had no business being on the bridge. Riker then starts talking about the Pythagorean theorem for some reason and Lore finishes the equation save for the word "sides." He randomly trails off and is like, "I've never heard of that random-ass math formula you just mentioned." His face gets all twitchy and Lore proclaims that he likes to please humans.

Later he and Data are walking in the hall. Data tells Lore that Riker tricked him into revealing that Lore knew more than he was pretending to know. Lore's like, "Whatever man, humans are dumb as fuck! That cat didn't realize shit!" Data tells Lore not to underestimate humans but Lore is like, "Whatever dude, you're just jealous of how good I am at pleasing humans!"

They then go to Data's quarters where Data looks up information about Dr. Soong. Lore mocks Dr. Soong for being "often wrong," and then mocks Data for trying to mimic humans but being shitty at it. Data asks him which of them were really made first and Lore admits that he was built first but he was too perfect and the colonists got jealous and asked Soong for a less perfect android and so Soong built Data.

Lore talks about how much better he is at understanding humans especially their language and humor and then says that unlike Data he's able to use contractions. This is a motherfucking lie. Data has, on several occasions in the episodes I've seen, used contractions without having smoke come out of his earholes while he screams, "DOES NOT COMPUTE!"

Lore then asks when he'll get a cool ass uniform like Data. Data tells him that he'll have to go to Starfleet Academy for four years and then serve on various ships for a number of years. Lore mocks him for lowering himself to human's limited level and doing things by the books. He then implores Data to join him and absorb the knowledge of every living thing in the universe but Data's like, "I gotta go to work man," and gets up to leave. Lore asks if he can fuck around on Data's computer and Data's like, "Yeah man whatever, just also write a report about what happened to all those colonists," seemingly not caring about the fact that his brother seems to be plotting to take over the universe.

Up on the bridge, Picard and Riker analyze Lore's report and together with the shitty children's drawings determine that everything on the planet was killed by a Crystalline Entity that eats life. They further surmise that the only reason Data and Lore survived was because they weren't turned on at the time. Aren't they robots and thus not imbued with the spark of life that all living things posses? Maybe they were just being kind to Data. Who knows?

Yar then informs Picard that Lore has left Data's chambers and gone to deck four where he's gathered some weird shit. Data tells her that the stuff Lore has gathered is the robot equivalent of a topical cream and a couple of aspirins but Picard has Data go check on Lore anyway.

After Data leaves, Yar asks Picard is Data can be trusted. Everyone gets a look of, "OH SHIT DID YOU JUST SAY THAT!?" except for Picard who tells her that he trusts Data completely and then tells all the shocked crew members that Yar's question was a legitimate security question so to knock it off with the gawking.

Down in Data's quarters, Lore is popping some champagne. He pours a couple glasses and then puts something into one. They rap with each other for a bit and the Lore offers Data a glass of champagne to commemorate this momentous event. Data immediately starts glitching out and then collapses on the floor.

With Data knocked the fuck out, Lore cuts a Bond Villain promo and reveals all his evil plans to his unconscious brother. He explains that he learned to communicate with the Crystalline Entity and lead it to the colonists to get revenge on them for their jealousy and now he's going to do the same thing to the Enterprise! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

Back on the bridge the crew detects a subspace communication coming from Data's quarters. Picard tells Wesley Crusher to go check it out.

Back in Data's quarters, Lore, now dressed as Data is communicating with the Crystalline Entity and tells the Entity that they will know him as Data. Wesley Crusher enters and sees Data (now dressed in Lore's gear) knocked the fuck out on the floor. Lore (pretending to be Data) tells Wesley that "Lore" attacked him so he had to switch him off. His face then twitches and Wesley's like, "Hey your face is twitching like Lore's."

"Data" tells him that he's been practicing and Wesley is like, "You shouldn't copy anything Lore does. He seems like a real bad dude."

"Data's" like, "Sure whatever, I'm going up to the bridge in a second." Wesley then leaves and once he's gone, Lore uses a laser to burn his twitch off his face. He then uses the same laser to give Data a facial tick.

Up on the bridge, Dr. Beverly Crusher asks Wesley what was going on in Data's quarters. He tells her that Lore attacked Data so Data turned him off. Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Hmmm...that's weird as fuck that he told you he turned his brother off because he wanted to keep the fact that he had an on/off switch secret earlier in this very episode."

"Data" then arrives on the bridge and Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Yo man I thought you wanted to keep your on/off switch secret."

"Data" tells her, "I thought it would be fine if all the bridge crew knew about my weakness. Shrug."

Geordi is suddenly like, "YO DUDES! A UFO IS APPROACHING AT HIGH SPEEDS! I THINK IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN' CRYSTALLINE ENTITY!"

A Crystalline Entity is hauling ass towards the Enterprise as we go to commercial break!

Back from commercials, Picard is like, "Yo we need to talk to Lore about this Crystalline Entity shit. Data can you go talk to him about this shit?"

Picard tells "Data" and Wesley to go talk to "Lore" but Wesley starts spouting off about how he doesn't trust Data and/or Lore. Picard and Riker are both like, "Wesley, you're a fucking ensign. You shouldn't get so lippy to ranking officers!" Picard then tells Riker to go with them to make sure Wesley doesn't fuck shit up.

Down in Data's quarters, "Data" goes over to "Lore" to attempt to rouse him from being knocked the fuck out. He flicks the on/off switched rapidly, causing the real Data to jerk and shake.

"OH FUCK! HE'S TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!" screams "Data," at Riker and Wesley, "HE CAN SENSE THAT YOU'RE HERE! PLEASE GO AND I'LL TRY TO CALM HIM DOWN!"

Riker's like, "That seems completely reasonable," and leaves with Wesley. As soon as they're gone, Lore boots Data repeatedly in the dome causing his head to split open revealing the circuitry within.

Back on the bridge, Riker tells Picard what happened down in Data's quarters, but Wesley Crusher is still being lippy and is like, "Dudes, it looked fake as fuck!" Everyone rolls their eyes at him as the Crystalline Entity hits the Enterprise, wrecking shop on the shields.

At that moment, "Data" comes onto the bridge and tells Picard that he thinks he might be able to communicate with the Crystalline Entity. Picard tells "Data" to, "Make it so," but "Data" doesn't understand what "Make it so," means on account of not actually being "Data," so Picard tells him to, "Do it!"

"Data" gets on the horn and tells the Crystalline Entity that Humans are hella powerful and can wreck shop on it. This apparently works because the Crystalline Entity backs away. "Data" then tells Picard that they should teleport a big-ass tree into space or something and blow it up to show the Crystalline Structure exactly how powerful they are. Picard thinks this is a dick-fucking awesome idea and sends "Data" to go take care of business.

"Data" then leaves to T.C.B. and Wesley starts back up with his bullshit and tries to convince Picard that "Data" is actually Lore in disguise. Picard is completely sick of Wesley's shit at this point and tells him, "SHUT UP WESLEY!" in the second best moment of Season 1 up to this point (Wesley getting bayonetted was better).

All the same, Picard tells Worf to get some security dudes and go peep what "Data" is up to. Dr. Beverly Crusher then repeats, "Shut up Wesley?" unable to believe that Captain Picard just said what all of us at home were thinking. Picard is like, "You know what, the two of you can get the fuck off my bridge."

Dr. Beverly Crusher is all sad that she's getting kicked off the bridge, but Picard's like, "No, I just want you to talk your dumbass boy home and watch him so he doesn't do anymore stupid shit."

Wesley Crusher then is like, "Since I am finished here, may I point out that everything I said would have been listened to, if it came from an adult officer!" This is a pretty good "fuck off I'm quitting this job" mic drop, but coming from a know-it-all boy genius it comes off as obnoxious.

Dr. Beverly Crusher, not wanting her son to dig an even deeper hole also implores him to, "Shut up Wesley." It's also good, though less good than Picard's command to "Shut up Wesley."

Elsewhere on the Enterprise, Worf and some security dudes are strolling down a hall. The spot Lore getting into an elevator and Worf gets in with him. As soon as Worf is in, Lore orders the doors to close, trapping the other security dudes out in the hall.

"Now, show me your warrior fierceness!" Lore says.

Worf decks Lore in the face but Lore no sells it and then blasts Worf in the gut, knocking him the fuck out.

Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher has someone managed to convince his mother that he knows what the fuck he's talking about and gotten her to go with him to Data's quarters instead of taking him home. They find the real Data lying on the floor with his head split open. Dr. Beverly Crusher uses the on/off switch to turn Data back on.

She asks him if he's hurt badly. He is not. He tells her that they need to go to the cargo bay to stop Lore.

The trio of unlikely heroes then sneak into the cargo bay where they overhear Lore talking to the Crystalline Entity. Lore sees Data and "the troublesome little man-child," Wesley and threatens to murder the shit out of Wesley. Dr. Beverly Crusher, hearing her son once again threatened with death, busts out of her hiding place with her laser gun drawn, but Lore attacks and easily disarms her.

Lore, now wielding Dr. Beverly Crusher's laser gun tells her to, and I quote, "Back off… or I'll turn your little man into a torch."

Dr. Beverly Crusher bails, but Lore has a parting gift for her, a blast from a laser gun that sets the sleeve of her lab coat on fire. Data then runs all up ons and karate chops the laser out of Lore's hand. The two robots begin to brawl and immediately start hucking barrels at each other like a couple of Donkey Kongs.

Eventually Data judo throws Lore onto the the teleporter. Lore grabs a laser gun and as he fires, Wesley teleports him out into the vast nothingness of space.

Picard, Riker, Yar and a now jacketless Dr. Beverly Crusher rush back in to the cargo bay. They're spoiling for a fight, but Wesley Crusher informs them that "Lore's gone sir...PERMANENTLY!" Of course he'd be proven wrong since Lore showed back up in at least one episode and there was also another evil twin of Data in one of the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies that I don't think was actually Lore but was also an evil twin, but there are all crosses to bear at a later date and the only reason I bring them up now is because fucking know-it-all Wesley Crusher is WRONG and that makes me happy...even if it means I have to suffer through another Lore episode.

Anyway, the Crystalline Entity then just leaves for some reason even though its entire raison d'être was to eat all humans. Riker is like, "I guess it can't figure out how to get to us without Lore's help or some shit!" Picard then tells Data to get rid of the damn facial tick that Lore lasered onto him and to put on a proper uniform since they have to go overhaul the computers or something. Was that the mission they were actually on before all this other shit happened? They had to take the Enterprise into the shop for repairs and nearly got eaten by a Crystalline Entity? Talk about a rough day at the office!

How Rikered Was Riker?
He was completely in control of his faculties here. No chair domination or eye fucking of coworkers or anything of that ilk from our man Riker today. Data, however, had one too many and got fucking KOed by a single glass of space champagne.

Final Thoughts
Were it not for the fact that two different people told Wesley Crusher to "Shut up!" I would rank this as one of the worst episodes of Star Trek I've seen since I began this fool's errand. All in all it was a boring episode with a done to death trope (the evil twin) serving as the central conceit twhere once again Boy Genius Wesley Crusher knew everything and saved the day and to make matters even worse no one even fucked in it. Five thumbs down out of a possible five.

Fuck Count
We're in a bit of a slump it seems with yet another episode completely devoid of any fucking. I mean, there's not even any eye fucking going on here. Bad episode, everyone's fault.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 4