Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E16 - Too Short a Season

It's time once again for another trek to the stars with your pals and mine, the crew of the USS Enterprise. For those of you just joining us here this is the Star Trek Fuck Report where we determine once and for all which member of the Enterprise fucked most frequently.

Preexisting Prejudices
This is another season one episode that I have absolutely know memory of based on the brief plot summary I saw.

Plot Synopsis
After Starfleet received a transmission from Governor Karnas of Mordan IV in which the governor explains that terrorists had taken the Federation ambassador hostage and requested a Federation negotiator, the Enterprise was dispatched to pick up Admiral Mark Jameson, the only person Karnas thought qualified to do the job.

Picard transmits this message to the aforementioned Admiral Mark Jameson who is a dude with some really terrible old man stage makeup. Picard explains the situation to Jameson and then wonders why Karnas couldn't solve this problem on his own since he had been the man to put an end to Mordan's 40 year civil war. No one knows, but Jameson had been the man that had put an end to a similar hostage situation on Mordan some 45 years earlier.

Anyway Jameson says that he and his wife would beam onto the Enterprise at 1500 hours and then ends transmission. Data informs Picard that it's nearly 1500 hours and so Picard and Riker go down to the teleportation room to meet Jameson. He teleports onto the ship in a Professor X wheelchair, accompanied by his wife, who I guess is named Anne or some shit.

Jameson tells Picard that while he (Picard) might be in charge of the ship, Starfleet has ruled that he is senior mission officer on any ship he is aboard and thus will be in charge of the away team and any missions they undertake. Riker seems steamed about this but Picard's like, "Okay whatever I guess."

Two minutes into this episode I already fucking hate Admiral Mark Jameson. That's got to be a record of some sort.

After we enjoy that good, good Star Trek: The Next Generation theme song, we check in on the bridge of the Enterprise. Admiral Asshole Jameson is here with the normal cast of characters. The distressed governor Karnas calls back and after talking shit at Jameson telling him, "I see time has not been too kind," explains the situation on Mordan.

Karnas says that the terrorists have demanded that the discussions take place on Mordan and refuse to speak to anyone other than a Federation negotiator. Jameson agrees to this and then hangs up on Karnas.

After the call ends Picard asks Troi if she sensed anything with Karnas. She tells him that she felt that Karnas was being honest but seemed to be holding something back. Jameson says that Karnas is a proud man and what Troi was sensing was an inability by him to admit failure in negotiating the release of the hostages.

Doctor Beverly Crusher then calls on the phone and tells Picard that she's ready to perform Jameson's medical exam. Jameson looks nervous and is like, "What the shit is she talking about?" They inform Jameson that it's standard procedure.

Before Jameson goes in for his checkup he goes to the ready room to debrief on the situation with the crew of the Enterprise. Riker is a bit perplexed by the situation and says, "What I don't understand sir, is how Karnas knew you were still... available."

Jameson cuts to the chase though and says what we're all thinking, "Still alive, you mean." Jameson then explains that he briefed the Federation ambassador to Mordan before he left and must of told Karnas that he was still kicking when they met. Data wonders what the terrorists could possibly want but no one has idea.

Later on in Jameson's quarters he suddenly gets out of his wheelchair and walks to a chair. His wife says that he looks better but he soon starts gasping for air and clutching his chest. She wants to call sickbay but he tells her not to. He says that it's happened before and will pass on its own.

Elsewhere Dr. Beverly Crusher meets with Picard. She tells him that the medical records Jameson had provided were not two days old as he claimed but rather two months old. She doesn't know why he lied about it. Picard's like, "The dude is old as fuck he probably just got confused."

Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that Jameson suffers from Allen Iverson's Disease which wrecks shop on bodies but not on minds so there must be some other reason why Jameson was trying to pull a fast one with his medical records. Picard tells her that he wants her on the bridge until they finish this mission because he doesn't want that old fuck to go down before they save the hostages.

Later on the bridge Picard asks if Jameson wants to fly the spaceship for a bit. He says that he does and then proceeds to get out of his wheelchair and walking over to Geordi's station. Everyone is like, "DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!" to which Jameson replies that he had begun some new therapy before getting picked up and that it seemed to be working.

After a quick ad break during which 1980s companies hawked products and services we check back in with Dr. Beverly Crusher and Picard. She exclaims that there is no cure for Allen Iverson's Disease and it is not known to go into remission. Jameson has been confined to a wheelchair for four years and there's no reason why he should be able to walk around now.

Back in Jameson's quarters, the Admiral is watching the video of Karnas' call again in the dark when his wife comes back in. She says she doesn't know what else he can hope to glean from the "tape" since apparently in the Next Generation people have gone back to a tape based recording system.

Jameson stands up and walks over to his wife. She is ecstatic that he is strong and healthy again but then seems suspicious and tells him to, "Come over here."

Mark Jameson is horny as fuck and tells her, "I hope you're heading for the bedroom!"

She is not heading for the bedroom. Instead she brings over to a mirror and reveals that he looks twenty years younger. Jameson suddenly clutches his chest again only this time his wife calls the medics.

Later Dr. Beverly Crusher debriefs with Picard telling him that she's detected unknown chemicals in Jameson's bloodstream and that his DNA is all kinds of fucked up but there's no trace of the incurable Iverson's Disease. She doesn't know how it's possible but that's what is going on.

Some time later, Picard visits Jameson in his quarters and finds him now looking like a middle aged dude. Picard's all like, "Yo brah what the fuck is going on with you?" Jameson explains that he got some reverse aging treatment from a planet. Normally the natives don't want to share their treatment with outsiders but because Jameson helped them out with some kind of negotiations in the past they were willing to hook him up. He tells Picard that the treatment is super risky and takes a long time so even though he got enough medicine for he and his wife he took it first to make sure it was safe. He's then like, "But when you called me about this mission I chugged all the drugs for me and also all the drugs for my wife rather than take them as prescribed."

After Picard leaves, Jameson's wife, Anne, is pissed off at him for being self-centered and not thinking about her or what she wanted at all. She was happy that he was finally going to retire and they could tool around in an RV or whatever it is that old people do but now he's going to be a young man again and do young man shit. Jameson is like, "You can be young with me! I got medicine for you too," apparently forgetting the fact that he just said he chugged all the drugs he'd gotten for her too. Unimpressed by this, Anne storms off to another room. Jameson then leaves the quarters to go be an asshole to someone other than his wife.

Jameson goes to the observation lounge and has Data open a communication channel with Karnas. Picard's like, "Why do you want to talk to him?" and Jameson tells him that since Karnas previously attempted to negotiate with the terrorists and wants to see if there's any additional information he has. Picard then tells him that he should probably use a secure channel. Jameson is like, "Oh yeah. Data! Make it so!" Data looks at Picard in askance and Picard nods so Data opens a secure channel for Jameson.

With the secure channel open, Jameson asks Karnas who was responsible for taking the hostages. Karnas claims that its political opponents. Jameson offers up a couple of names but Karnas says that they're all long dead but that Jameson is coming back it's as if the last 45 years never happened.

Jameson says that he knows that Karnas never forgave him and then realizes that there are no terrorists...it's Karnas who has the hostages! Karnas then tells him that the cost for their release is going to be very high for Jameson.

Jameson goes back out to the bridge and tells Picard to crank that shit up to warp 8 and haul ass to Mordan so they arrive before the ETA and then can catch Karnas off guard. Picard's like, "WTF dude aren't we going there to help him?"

Before heading out to commercial break, Jameson explains that Karnas is the one with the hostages and negotiations are no longer on the table. The only way to save the hostages is an armed rescue mission that he's going lead.

Back from commercials, Jameson explains that the main city of Mordan was razed during the civil war but there's a maze of tunnels beneath it that were simply built over when they rebuilt the city post-war. He is certain that Karnas is keeping the hostages there just like he did 45 years ago. The crew of the Enterprise is like, "Why would he he do that?"

Jameson tells them that while Karnas is a skilled tactician he is not a genius and would unlikely attempt to attempt to dream up a new plan when he had one that worked so well before. He then tells them that the only option is an armed raid. Picard is not so sure and thinks that the Federation might have different ideas but Jameson pulls rank and said he's the one who is in charge of the mission.

Meanwhile in Dr. Beverly Crusher's office she and Troi are talking to Anne about what's going on with her husband. She is upset about what Mark did and doesn't understand it. Troi tries to calm her down and then Dr. Beverly Crusher that tells her that Mark is not stabilizing and he is in grave danger.

Picard goes into the conference room where Jameson is sitting alone drinking in the darkness. His face is obscured which probably means he has gotten even younger looking. He turns around to reveal this to be true. He is now a man in his thirties.

Picard is of the mind that Jameson is hiding something and asks him why this mission is so important to him. Jameson tells Picard the story of how 45 years ago, after a rival warlord killed Karnas' father, Karnas took the passengers of a starliner hostage and demanded weapons from Starfleet in exchange for the lives of the hostages so he could get revenge on the man who murdered his father. Two other hostage negotiators were sent to bargain with Karnas. Two hostage negotiators died. Jameson was the third man to go in and he was able to free the hostages. Picard acknowledges that that is the account as he had heard it.

Jameson then tells Picard what really happened on Mordan. The reality was he gave Karnas the weapons he was after in order to get the hostages released. He then got around the Prime Directive rules (in his mind) by giving the same exact weapons to Karnas' rivals and in doing so plunged Mordan into a 40 year civil war rather than the brief conflict he assumed would arise. Picard cannot believe this shit. Jameson tells Picard that he wants to make things right after messing up so badly the first time and knows that Karnas has arranged the entire crisis in order to get revenge on him.

A short time later the away team heads to the teleportation room to beam down onto the planet. Jameson is still being a dick about leading the away team so Picard is like, "I'm the captain of this ship so I'm going to add myself to the away team as is my right as captain." He then tells Riker that he's in charge of the ship until he gets back.

The crew of Jameson, Picard, Data, Worf, Geordi, and Yar beam down to the tunnels beneath Mordan and begin moving through them looking for hostages. Data tries to tell Jameson that the tunnels have changed in the last 45 years and that there did not appear to be any sign of life in them. Jameson, however, insists that he knows better than recent maps and a robot that knows everything and so the crew follows him.

Data tells everyone that Jameson is leading them to a dead end, which proves correct when they arrive in a room with a wall that was built a couple years earlier. Yar is like, "You know, we could have just beamed to the coordinates you thought the hostages were being stashed at," but Jameson's like, "Nah a pointless trek though some underground tunnels is good for the soul...now laser that wall open so we can keep wandering aimlessly about."

Yar and Worf laser a hole in the wall and then everyone climbs through only to find some laser gun troopers waiting for them. A laser battle erupts and the crew take cover behind some space 55 gallon drums.

As the lasers laze past them, Data helpfully explains to Picard, "They're phasers, sir. Set on kill."

Picard, does not find Data's helpful commentary all that helpful and sarcastically tells him, "Thank you, Mr. Data. I have heard the sound before!"

Worf knocks Jameson out of the line of fire and saves him from getting wrecked by a red laser. Jameson then stands up to fire back at the laser gun trooper but suddenly clutches his chest and collapses on the ground. The rest of the crew don't know if he's been shot or what but Picard, seeing that they are outgunned has the Enterprise beam them back aboard.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard returns to the bridge. Riker asks after Jameson and Picard replies, "Sickbay. 'Not good' is a galactic understatement."

Karnas calls them on the spacephone and is pissed off about the gunfight in the tunnels beneath the city. "Classic Jameson move!" he grumbles before demanding that Jameson be handed over to him. Picard tells Karnas that Jameson is really sick but Karnas gives zero fucks and tells Picard that he has 10 minutes to beams Jameson down to the planet before he starts killing hostages.

Picard goes down to the sickbay to check on Jameson and finds the Admiral all kinds of fucked up. Jameson, however, wants to go back down to try and make things right by saving the hostages. Picard tells him that he's in no shape to go but then Riker calls Picard and informs him that Karnas called back and said that the clock was still ticking and they had five minutes before he killed the first hostage in a "most painful" fashion and then would continue executing hostages at a rate of one hostage every fifteen minutes. Picard, realizing that there are no other options, relents and allows Jameson to beam down to the planet even though he knows that chances are Jameson will get murdered by Karnas.

Picard, Dr. Beverly Crusher and Admiral Asshole Jameson beam down into Karnas' office and Karnas is all like, "WTF is this shit?!" Picard explains that the young man with him is, in fact, Jameson, but Karnas does not believe it for a second. Cue dramatic music sting as we head to commercial break.

Back from commercials, Karnas does not believe that Jameson is who Picard says he is and demands that the real Jameson be beamed down or he's going to start murdering hostages. Jameson attempt to convince Karnas that he is really who he claims to be, calling Karnas by his old title, but Karnas still thinks it's a bunch of shenanigans.

Jameson then collapses in a heap and Picard explains to Karnas that Jameson took an age reversing drug and that's why he's a young man now. Karnas doesn't give a shit though and blames Jameson for the war and destruction that has ravaged Mordan.

Things are looking pretty grim for Jameson, so Picard has his wife beam down. She arrives and Picard then shows Karnas a series of pictures of Jameson's deaging to attempt to convince him that they are telling the truth about Jameson. Picard then gets on his soapbox and chews on Karnas for not taking any of the responsibility for the 40 year civil war that went down on his planet, telling him that while Jameson fucked up by giving everyone laser guns Karnas could have put an end to the hostilities at any point in the 40 years that followed. He then says that Jameson brought himself to Mordan to atone for his past mistakes.

Jameson, though at death's door, tries again to convince Karnas that he is who he says he is. He drops some information that only he and Karnas would have known but Karnas is still doubtful, saying that the real Mark Jameson could have told this young man that information. He then demands to be shown a scar.

Mark Jameson rolls up his sleeve, revealing a gnarly scar and declaring, "There! The blood cut you gave me to seal our bargain!"

Karnas is satisfied with this proof and grabs a laser gun off the wall (apparently one of the very guns that Jameson provided Karnas with 45 years earlier). He points it at Jameson, ready to blow him away, but then decides that letting him live in constant pain due to being anti-aging medicine dope-sick would be a far better form of revenge.

Anne kneels down beside her dying husband to quote the Bodyguard Soundtrack at him by telling him, "And IIIIIIIIIIII e IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII e IIIIIIIIII will always love you!" Jameson then macks it to his old wife one final time before dying of young age. Satisfied with the death of Jameson, Karnas tells Picard that he'll release the hostages immediately and will be cooperative.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard dumps some concluding plot on Riker, explaining that Jameson is going to be buried on Mordan at the request of Mrs. Jameson and the consent of Karnas. Picard and Riker then chat about how dumb the quest for eternal youth is and how there's something to be said for age and wisdom. Picard then tells Geordi to haul ass to Isis III, which is a planet name that probably would not be allowed in these our modern times.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Dude was barely in the episode so who the fuck knows?

Final Thoughts
This episode fucking sucked so bad. To start with something I rarely talk about in these reports (the behind the scenes production aspect of the show)  the wheelchair that Jameson used for all of about three minutes of on screen footage cost $10,000 of 1987 money which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Generally I don't care about such things, but when every single set in the show looks super cheap $10,000 on a prop that's probably going to get used this one time is not money well spent.

Money that was well spent? Bringing in formerly blacklisted actress Marsha Hunt for her first acting gig since the inspiration for Metallica's music video for One, 1971's Johnny Got His Gun. Marsha Hunt is a real good egg and as of writing this still alive (at 101 years old) which kind of rules. Unfortunately she doesn't really have all that much to do here since this episode was entirely the Spaceventures of Mark Jameson. Her actual life story is 90,000 bajillion times more interesting that this episode.

Now speaking of this episode...there have been other bad season one episodes of The Next Generation, but at least they centered on the main characters of the show doing things. Here, the main character of the adventure was Jameson. If he hadn't died in the end I would have assumed this to be a backdoor pilot for some kind of Spaceventures of Jameson spinoff show. Now if Jameson had been a compelling character or even a moderately likable one, or one played by a competent actor this episode might have worked, but none of those things were true and on top of all that his old man makeup made him look like a puppet out of that creep-ass Genesis "Land of Confusion" music video. To compound all these myriad problems not one person fucked in this episode. FAIL!

I guess if I'm looking for a bright side to this dumpster fire of an episode it was that Wesley Crusher was nowhere to be seen.

Fuck Count
While there was some horniness, Mark Jameson having a heart-attack prevented us from seeing that The Man Without a Face lookin' motherfucker take an extra from the Golden Girls on an all expense paid trip to the bone zone.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6