Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E20 - Heart of Glory

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the only scientific study and analysis of the sexual activity in the Star Trek Universe. Today we're having a look at the 20th episode of season 1, Heart of Glory. Coming into this episode we're in a bit a fuck rut so to speak and based on the plot synopsis of the episode, I'm doubtful that we're going to get out of it, so let's just get this shit out of the way...

Preexisting Prejudices
I recall the plot of this episode and at this point in my rewatch think that were this episode to have happened later in the series' run it would probably be better since this is a Worf heavy episode and at this point Michael Dorn's not that great of an actor. Maybe this episode is the turning point though where he finally gets it with regards to playing the character of Worf, though I doubt that this is the case.

Plot Synopsis
Holy fuck is this some good "SHIT IS POPPIN' OFF!" music to accompany this cold open. The Enterprise is haulin' ass through space to this good-ass music. Apparently Starfleet Command has contacted them to check out some fighting that's popped off in the Neutral Zone since there are no Federation vessels in the area. Riker wonders if the Ferengi were involved because he's apparently a space racist.

The Enterprise arrives in the Neutral Zone and finds a spaceship adrift without power. Data conducts a scan of the area and determines that the weapons used were Romulan in design. The crew then determines that the damaged ship is a Talarian cargo ship named Batris.

They scan the ship and eventually determine that there is still life on board so Riker gathers up an away team to go over and check shit out. Picard tells Yar to stay put in case the Romulan ship is cloaked and needs to get put on blast.

Picard then tells Riker, "Everything about this seems wrong."

Riker, however, gives zero fucks and replies, "Agreed, it smells like a trap. Let's go!" He, Geordi and Data then head down to the teleporter room to teleport over to the derelict ship.

After that good, good opening theme song we find the away team down in the teleportation room. Geordi talks up some new transmitter thing that he and Data developed for V.I.S.O.R. that will allow him to transmit everything he sees back to the Enterprise. Presently it only has a range of a few kilometers but they hope to improve it with a bit more tweaking.

The away team beams over to the Batris and finds it completely wrecked. Geordi turns on his V.I.S.O.R. T.R.A.N.S.M.I.T.T.E.R. and transmits what appears to be someone trying to watch porn on a pay per view channel in the early 90s without paying for it back to the Enterprise.. It's just a bunch of inverse colors and flickering images and if you're lucky you might get to see a boob.

Captain Picard is like, "Wow this is amazing! What is that thing over there?!"

Geordi informs him that it's just Commander Riker but Picard continues to be like, "Holy shit this is wild...WHAT'S THAT GLOWING THING!"

Geordi tells him that it's Data and that he glows because he's an android and everyone knows that androids glow. Picard then asks him to filter out some of the bullshit so he can get a clearer view of what Geordi's seeing but Geordi tells him that this is just how things go for him and explains that any filtering he does he does so mentally, like Picard might when trying to listen to one person speak in a noisy room.

This entire scene is really bad TV and makes Picard seem like a dumb asshole. Geordi's been a member of the Enterprise's crew for at least several months and V.I.S.O.R.s have existed for longer than that in universe so for him to have his mind blown by Geordi's V.I.S.O.R. vision would be akin to us being utterly poleaxed by a coworker's ability to hear with a hearing aid after having worked with the dude for a year since Geordi has explained what V.I.S.O.R. is like already on screen, so for Picard to be like, "THIS SHIT IS WILD!!!" comes off really badly.

Back on the derelict spaceship, Riker & Co. make their way towards engineering where Data has detected life. They avoid falling beams and poison gas and stuff as they make their way towards the survivors on the ship. At one point Geordi notices (via V.I.S.O.R.) that there's a fissure in the wall of the ship and states that they probably have five minutes top before everything explodes. They haul ass, and Geordi gets out of range so the V.I.S.O.R. transmission back on the Enterprise cuts out.

They finally get to engineering but the survivors are on the far side of the room and there's all kinds of poisonous gas and toxic waste and shit. Data goes through it by himself because he's a robot and can survive that shit and then returns a minute later saying he found the survivors but the door to the room they are in is jammed. Geordi and Riker then return with him, walking through the toxic waste and poisonous gas so they can watch Data use his robotic super strength to open the door by hand.

Before heading to commercial break, the trio of Star Trekkers peer into the room and see a group of three Klingons, one of whom appears to be injured.

Back from commercials the Enterprise lads talk to the Klingons and tell them that they need to get the fuck off the ship before it explodes. Riker tells Data to pick up the injured Klingon, but one of the other two Klingons say that he'll carry the injured dude. The six space travelers then go back out into the engineering area and call to be beamed back onto the Enterprise. Yar tells them that there's too much interference and that they need to move further away from engineering.

There's not enough time for that since the ship is seconds away from exploding. Picard tells Yar to beam them up immediately. She tries to, but the teleportation fails and the six individuals pop back up on the ship which is now in the midst of exploding. Yar attempts again to beam them up but the Batris completely explodes, sending debris flying all over the goddamn place.

Rest in POWER Riker, Data, Geordi and three anonymous Klingons...OH FUCK THEY'RE TOTALLY ALIVE! The six of them appear in the teleportation room and the Klingons are brought to the sickbay. Picard heads down to sickbay as well and Worf asks if he can accompany him. Picard says, "Okay."

Down in the sickbay, Dr. Beverly Crusher informs people that the injured Klingon is in critical condition. His two companions introduce themselves are Korris and Konmel. They explain to Picard that they were being transported aboard the freighter when a Ferengi ship appeared and attacked them.

Worf tells them that what they are saying doesn't make sense since the weapons they detected in the area were Klingon. They say that that is correct, the weapons were Klingon, but the ship was definitely a Ferengi vessel. They explain that once the ship was attacked they (at the freighter captain's request) took command of the ship. The Klingons explain that they pretended to surrender and when the Ferengi dropped their shields to teleport onto the freighter they used some "merculite rockets" to blow the ship up.

Picard has some more questions, but they say that they are hungry and tired and will answer more questions after they have eaten and rested. Worf shows them to their quarters and after they've left, Picard voices his suspicions over their story, not understanding why three Klingon officers would have been on an beat up freighter in the first place.

In the Klingons' quarters they get some food and ask Worf about himself and whether or not there are other Klingons in Starfleet. Worf tells them that as far as he knows he is the only one. The other Klingons mock Worf for becoming soft and docile after living among Humans but then tells him that they are only mocking him to see if it is still possible to get him fired up. Worf assures them that it is. They are then called by Picard who is still down in sickbay. He informs them that the third member of their part is dying harder than my man Bruce Willis.

The Klingons return to the sickbay and Korris opens the dying Klingon's eyes and stares into them as he shuffles off this mortal coil. The Klingons (including Worf) then throw their heads back and howl at the ceiling. Konmel takes a boot spike off the dead Klingon's boot before the Klingons leave the sickbay.

Before they go though they are stopped by Dr. Beverly Crusher who asks Korris, "Are there any special arrangements you would like for the body?"

Korris tells her, "It is only a empty shell now, please treat it as such."

After a tremendous commercial break we check back in with the Klingons back in their quarters where Konmel randomly is like, "Too bad that guy didn't die fighting an enemy..."

Worf's like, "Yo, WTF are you talking about? He died because of getting blown up by a Ferengi ship didn't he? What really happened?!"

The Klingons, however, avoid answering the question and instead ask Worf how he came be on a Starfleet vessel. He tells them that as a child he was on some Klingon outpost when it was attacked by Romulans. The entire outpost was wiped out but he managed to survive, buried beneath some rubble. He explains that he was later discovered by a human Starfleet officer who took him home to the colony at Gault and raised him as his son.

The Klingons scoff at this since Gault is a farming colony or some shit but Worf continues his tale, explaining that when he and his foster-brother were of an age they entered Starfleet Academy (thus making the entire premise of Wesley's exam in the previous episode make absolutely no sense). Worf continues by saying that his brother hated it and fucked off but Worf stayed and became a Starfleet officer.

The Klingon warriors tells Worf that he was undoubtedly shunned and misunderstood for his entire life. They say that even now he is driven by something inside of him that makes him want to run buck wild and wreck shop on stuff but he doesn't understand because there weren't any other Klingons around to explain it to him. Worf tells them that he does have those feelings but has learned to control them.

They tell Worf that that is the mark of a warrior and then explain to him that peace is like a living death to them which is why they stole a freighter and fucked off in search of a place where they could live as warriors, wrecking shop on foes to their hearts' content. They then confess that the ship they destroyed was a Klingon vessel that had been sent to capture them. They justify this by saying that the Klingons have been destroyed by peace.

Worf is outraged by this but calms down when one of the Klingons is like, "Hey can you show us around the ship?" because this is a thing that happens a lot in season one apparently. Someone reveals some scumfuckery and then is like, "Hey show me around?" and whoever heard about their evil plan is then just like, "Okay!" because they're all dolts.

Back on the bridge Picard talks about how when he saw Worf with the other two Klingons it was like looking at a man he'd never met before. Data then informs Picard that a ship is approaching but it's too far out of range to determine what sort of ship it is. Picard tells him to keep an eye on it though since if it's in the Neutral Zone who knows what it could be up to.

Elsewhere on the Enterprise, Worf shows the other two Klingons around the ship. While they are chilling in Engineering, Konmel opines, "What magnificent battles we could have at the helm of this ship!"

Worf tells him, "Perhaps your dreams of glory no longer fit the time, they belong buried with the past."

Korris replies, "Standing here we will never know. Our answer lies out there. Our instincts will lead us," before Konmel again mocks Worf for having instincts that were, "dulled by living among civilised men."

Back on the bridge, Data tells everyone there that when Worf and the other Klingons screamed at the ceiling it was the first time that outsiders had witnessed the Klingon death ritual. He explains that the howling is a warning to all the other dead that a Klingon warrior is comin' and they're about to get EXTRA DEAD or some shit.

The approaching ship is now in visual range. OH FUCK IT'S A KLINGON VESSEL! Picard hails it and a Commander K'Nera answers the phone. He wants to know what the Enterprise is doing in the Neutral Zone. Picard tells him that they detected evidence of a battle and came to investigate and ended up saving three Klingons from a derelict ship.

K'Nera's like, "Oh snap that's all that was left of the Klingon battlecruiser?"

Picard is confused and tells him that the Klingon's they saved were on a freighter. K'Nera then tells Picard that those three men were criminals who stole a freighter and used it to attack a Klingon cruiser that was sent after them. K'Nera wants the surviving men returned to him once his ship is in teleportation range. Picard agrees to this and then has Yar assemble a security team to apprehend the criminals.

Down in a random hallway Worf and the Klingons are discussing the Enterprise's saucer separation capabilities. As Worf tells them how much of an "exceptional weapon" the Enterprise is without the saucer part of the ship, Yar and her security goons arrive. She tells the Klingons that they need to come with her and Worf asks what's going on. As we head to commercial break to check out all the finest products and services 1988 had to offer, the Klingons implore Worf to help them on account of being one of them.

We return from commercial break and the standoff between the Klingons and Yar's security team is interrupted when a door opens and a small girlchild runs out. She is grabbed by Korris. Yar phones the bridge and tells them that they have a hostage situation developing but Korris hands the girl to Worf who returns her to the girl's mother. Yar calls back to cancel the hostage crisis message and then has her dudes arrest the two Klingons.

As the Klingons are hauled off to the brig, Yar breathes a sigh of relief and tells Worf that she thought that she was going to have to deal with a hostage situation but Worf tells her, "Cowards take hostages. Klingons do not."

Korris and Konmel are down in the brig when the Klingon battleship arrives. Commander K'Nera tells Picard that they will be tried and executed for their crimes at which point Worf asks Picard's permission to speak with K'Nera.

Worf tells K'Nera that the words of Korris and Konmel stirred something within him and though he knows they must be punished for them crimes asks K'Nera for leniency and allow them to die an honorable with a weapon in their hands on some remote planet instead of dying and death without honor with their hands tied. K'Nera says he feels much the same way Worf but must follow orders and again asks Picard to send the prisoners back to him. Picard agrees.

Meanwhile down in the brig, Korris and Konmel take apart various parts of their uniforms and put together a laser gun and some force field disruption device that they use to bust out their cell. They wreck shop on one guard and then get into a laser battle with a second. The second guard manages to kill Konmel before Korris guns him down. Korris then hauls as before Yar arrives at the scene and explains to Picard what has happened.

Korris returns to engineering and climbs a ladder up to the second level of the reactor core. He points his gun at the dilithium crystal chamber and demands to speak with Worf as we head into the final commercial break.

Worf and Picard go down to engineering and meet up with Yar. Yar wants to wait Korris out but Worf tells her that the minute Korris feels the situation is no longer to his advantage he will shoot the reactor, causing it to explode and destroy the Enterprise, killing himself and everyone else in the process.

Korris demands to speak to Worf, so Worf climbs up to the second level of the reactor with him. Korris tells him that they should demand Picard separate the ship and give them control of the battle bridge so they run roughshod on the galaxy, finding glory in battle.

Worf tells him that Picard would never go for it and then pulls his phaser and point it at Korris. He demands that Korris put down his gun, but Korris tells him that he cannot believe this shit and once more appeals to Worf's sense of Klingonness.

Worf tells Korris that he's looking for battles in the wrong place and the true test of a warrior is "not without, it is within." He then asks Korris, "Where are the words 'duty,' 'honor,' and 'loyalty,' without which a warrior is nothing?!" This is some real samurai movie shit right here.

Worf tries again to get Korris to give it up but Korris tells Worf that living among humans has sucked the Klingon heart from his chest and then tells him, "You are a sham! My words were dust upon the ground...your blood has no fire, you are weak, like them! I don't care what you look like! YOU ARE NO KLINGON!"

Worf deadpans, "Perhaps not," and then blasts the fuck out of Korris causing him to smash through a couple of random-ass glass floor panels and down to the floor at the base of the reactor. Worf then climbs back down and performs the death ritual for Korris, screaming at the ceiling one more time.

Worf and Picard go back to the bridge and call the Klingon battleship back up on the TV phone. Picard tells the ship's captain that the fugitives are both dead. He asks to speak to Worf and so Picard puts Worf on the phone. The Klingon captain asks Worf how the men died and Worf replies that they died well.

The Klingon captain then tells Worf that when his tour of duty aboard the Enterprise ends they would be honored to have him serve with them telling him that they could each learn a lot from one another. Worf tells him that he would be honored before ending the call. Picard and Riker then stare at Worf who assures them that he was just being polite to the Klingon Captain. Picard smiles and tells him that the bridge wouldn't be the same without him as the Enterprise blasts off to further adventures.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Our man Riker was really only in the first act of this episode during which he performed his tasks in a perfunctory fashion. While Picard was losing his shit over the fact that Geordi's vision is all kinds of fucked up, Riker was the one who was like, "Yo we gotta find these survivors and save them." If he was drunk at all he was hiding it exceptionally well.

Final Thoughts
My preexisting prejudices have held and I am of the mind that this episode probably would have turned out better if it had happened later in the series run since Michael Dorn wasn't that great yet and also by this point we hadn't really gotten to know Worf as a character all that much so there wasn't really anything in his behavior that seemed out of line with what we knew Klingons to be from earlier shows and movies.

The bit about him getting taken in by humans as a child also raises a bunch of questions that I would not have otherwise had about him. For example why does he wear that Klingon sash if he grew up with humans? How did he have some kind of Klingon wild boar as a pet if he grew up on a human colony (or was that from before his biological family got wrecked)? Why does he not understand "human humor" if he grew up with humans? Once again, these are questions for a regular-ass reviewer of Star Trek to be asking. I've only got one question that I should be asking and that is, "How many people fucked in this episode?" Unfortunately the answer is, once again, zero.

Fuck Count
Another absolute zero. I'm getting real sick and tired of this shit and don't think it's going to get any better. There are six episodes left for this season. Two of them I'm almost certain have zero fucking in them since we still have the Orang Minyak eats Yar episode and the episode with the brainfuckler worms that take over Starfleet, neither of which I recall having much humping in them.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6