Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E25 - Conspiracy

Rewatching this first season of Star Trek, it's kind of incredible how many of the episodes I'd completely forgotten. That is not the case with today's Fuck Report entry, Conspiracy. I remember the shit out of this episode because it's weird as fuck, and one of the few season one episodes that's actually good. It's been a hot minute since I've actually seen it though so will it hold up and more importantly does it have any fucking?

Preexisting Prejudices
As mentioned above this is one of the few episodes out of season one that I think is any good. I might even go so far as to say it's in my top ten episodes of all time. Any prejudices I might hold about this episode are largely positive.

Plot Synopsis
Riker kicks things off by dropping a First Officer's Log, informing us that the Enterprise is en route to an ocean planet known as Pacifica to do some science shit, but mentions that the place is also a tropical paradise and everyone is looking forward to some much needed rest & relaxation. Do these people ever ACTUALLY work?

When then check in on the bridge where in a sign that this was created well before sexual harassment was a thing people cared about we get a media en res telling of a ribald joke by Geordi (hinting at future Geordi creepiness to come). Data then does the over explaining a joke thing and then declares that the anecdote is "very humorous indeed." The robot then attempts to laugh and does so very badly.

Riker asks Geordi when they're scheduled to arrive and then tells him to increase the speed wondering if anyone would object to them arriving early. Troi says that she personally wouldn't on account of wanting to swim. Data reminds her that she can go swimming on the holodeck but she tells him it's not the same. Worf declares that he dislikes swimming since it is too much like bathing.

All this playful workplace sexual harassment and banter is cut short by an incoming message. It's a "Code Forty-Seven!" Apparently this is the Starfleet emergency frequency and is for the Captain's eyes only. They patch the message through to Picard's bedchambers where he is sleeping in a nightgown.

Picard gets up and answers the call after going through a bunch of rigmarole to confirm that he is, in fact, the Captain. He sees his "old friend" Walker Keel on the screen. Picard is a bit confused why Keel is using the emergency frequency but Keel only gives vague replies about there being something amiss with Starfleet. He tells Picard that he can't tell him anymore over the phone and tells him to meet him on Dytallix B to discuss the issue face to face.

Picard asks him when and Keel responds, "Immediately." Picard tells him that they're supposed to go to Pacifica but Keel tells him that can be delayed and that he'll be waiting on Dytallix B. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good, good opening theme song we check back in on the Enterprise. Picard has changed out of his nightgown and is heading out to the bridge. He asks Data what he knows about Dytallix B. Data tells him that it is an uninhabited planet that is mined for the Federation by the Dytallix Mining Company.

Picard tells Geordi to set course for Dytallix B at warp seven and informs the bridge crew, "there will be no records or logs mentioning any aspect of this diversion."

Riker is like, "Yo boss what about Pacifica? Shouldn't we contact them and let them know we'll be late?"

Picard tells him not to call them and in fact, not to call anyone without specific orders from him. He says that with any luck the delay will be kept to a minimum and then heads to his office leaving Riker looking completely poleaxed by what the fuck just happened.

Awhile later, the Enterprise arrives at Dytallix B. Worf tells Picard that there are three other Federation ships already orbiting the planet. He tells Picard which ships are there and then says that "Attempts at communication have been ignored by all three vessels."

Picard tells Worf not to make any further attempts to contact them and then asks Data if there are any signs of life down on the planet. Data tells him that there are three gathered in a mining tunnel. Picard then says that he's going to beam down alone. Riker is skeptical as Picard heads off.

Picard beams down to Dytallix B. He walks down a ramp and the other three captains emerge from the shadows with their phasers drawn. Keel thanks Picard for coming and Picard is like, "This is some greeting old friend."

Keel then grills Picard about stuff from their past. Picard apparently gets all this stuff right and the captains put their weapons away and apologize to him saying, "We had to make sure you were really you."

Picard asks them what this shit is all about. Keel introduces Captain Rixx and Captain Tryla Scott to Picard and they then some weird shit is going on in the highest levels of Starfleet Command. There have been suspicious personnel changes and deaths and people acting weird with a lack of long term memory.

Picard does not believe this shit. They tell him to keep his eyes open and stay vigilant. Picard tells them that's good advice at anytime. Keel then tells him that the meeting never took place as far as Starfleet was concerned and as Picard goes to leave to tell Dr. Beverly Crusher that he said hello.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard talks to Troi saying that Keel is one of his oldest friends and that if "felt it necessary to violate regulations, he must have had a good reason." Troi tells Picard that he's risking his career for Keel. Picard tells her, "Friendship must dare to risk, Counsellor, or it's not friendship." She then asks him if he's going to to tell the rest of the crew what is going on, but he says he doesn't want to risk implicating them until they have better proof that something is wrong.

Picard head out to the bridge and tells Geordi to take the ship out of orbit and resume heading to Pacifica at warp eight. Data tells him that they're going to be about nine hours later than originally planned. Picard thanks him and tells him that he has a special assignment for him and tells him that he wants him to review all Starfleet orders to ships, starbases, and colonies for any irregularities.

Data begins reviewing the records while the Enterprise continues on to Pacifica but en route they encounter a disturbance in a nearby sector. Picard tells Geordi to head for the disturbance, they eventually come upon some debris. Eventually they determine it to be the wreckage of the USS Horatio, Walker Keel's ship.

Picard drops a Captain's Log about how Keel's death has lead to him believe there might be some sand to the conspiracy and has thus decided to tell Riker about Keel's suspicion. Riker tells him that there's no proof of anything. Picard tells Riker that back in that shitty "Coming of Age" episode, Admiral Quinn warned him about some subversion in the Federation and now Walker Keel was dead, but Riker still doesn't believe any of this shit.

Data later shows up and tells Picard that, "These are various outposts and starbases where I have detected unusual activity over the past few months." He informs Picard that there has been, "An uncustomary reshuffling of personnel, usually in the command areas. The new officers have had frequent contact with the highest levels of Starfleet Command." He believes that this shuffling could be an attempt by a hostile force to wrest control of important Federation territory, and so the Enterprise heads back to Earth to pow-wow with Starfleet Command.

Sometime later the Enterprise arrives at Earth. They are contacted by three admirals from Starfleet Command (an old white guy, a Vulcan, and Admiral Quinn from that shitty "Coming of Age" episode). The three admiral want to know why they returned. Picard tells them that he would rather speak to them in person. That Remmick fucker from that shitty "Coming of Age" appears with the admirals and they put the Enterprise on hold.

Worf bellows, "YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM!" as the admirals take the Enterprise off hold and invite Picard and his First Officer to dinner. Picard accepts and Admiral Quinn tells him that he won't be able to attend but would like to visit the Enterprise once again. Picard is glad to have him visit and then gives the bridge to Data as he and Riker go down to the teleportation chamber to meet Quinn who they are glad is "still on [their] side."

Down on Earth we see Quinn pack some weird looking bug thing in a briefcase. He quickly closes it as Remmick comes in and asks him if he's ready to beam up to the Enterprise. PRODUCTS!!!

Back from the commercial break, Admiral Quinn beams onto the ship. Picard talks to him about what Quinn had told him in that shitty "Coming of Age" episode but Quinn acts all weird about it saying it was just a metaphor for the ongoing process of assimilating new species into the Federation. Picard immediately realizes that something is afoot with Quinn.

He tells Quinn that he's arranged his usual quarters for him and then bids him farewell as he has to go to Earth for dinner. He tells Riker to help Quinn with whatever he needs and then beam down to join him on Earth and then after Quinn heads off to his quarters tells Riker that Quinn is not the real Quinn. He wants Riker to keep a close eye on him and get Dr. Beverly Crusher to give him a medical exam if possible.

Picard then beams down to Federation HQ and is greeted by the Vulcan admiral and the old white guy admiral and also that fuck Remmick from that shitty "Coming of Age" episode. Picard wonders why the halls of Federation HQ are so quiet since usually there's a lot of hustle and bustle, but Remmick writes it off as a quiet night.

Back on the Enterprise, Riker enters Quinn's quarters and asks him if he's ready for his tour. Quinn tells him that he is but before they leave Riker asks him what's in the case he has. Quinn tells him that it's something he brought to show Dr. Beverly Crusher, but is willing to show it to Riker first.

Riker asks him what it is and Quinn tells him that it's a life form that was discovered accidentally by a survey team on an uncharted planet. Riker smells bullshit and asks why he hasn't heard anything about such a discovery. Quinn tells him that he'll son hear a lot about it since it's a superior form of life which causes Riker to tell him that he's going to call his science officer to examine it.

Quinn says that the creature will not like his science officer but it does like Riker and we get a FUCKING KARATE FIGHT IN SPACE! Riker delivers some kicks with those long legs of his but ultimately gets his ass kicked by an old man who throws him through a plate glass coffee table but not before he was able to summon security.

Back on Earth the admirals have some tea with Picard while they wait for Riker. The old white admiral asks Picard what brought him to Earth before they toast the USS Horatio. Picard asks them if they know what happened to it. "Implosion..."

Meanwhile on the Enterprise Worf and Geordi arrive on the scene and find a downed Riker. Quinn tells them that Riker passed out and smashed his face through the table. They call in a medical emergency and Quinn's like, "Well I gotta go...smell ya later lads."

They try to stop him. OH SHIT! FUCKING KARATE FIGHT IN SPACE ROUND TWO! Quinn hurks Geordi up for a fucking chokeslam and just biels him THROUGH THE FUCKING DOORS! JESUS CHRIST! With Geordi's shit completely ruined Quinn turns his attention to Worf.

Quinn beats the fuck out of Worf as well but get laser blasted repeatedly until he is knocked the fuck out. Dr. Beverly Crusher stands in the doorway holding a laser gun. Geordi comes back into the room and tells Worf, "If I could see, I'd be seeing stars." They then take Quinn down to sickbay to figure out who or what he actually is.

Down in sickbay they determine it really is Quinn even though he was strong as fuck. Dr. Beverly Crusher then finds some weird thing in the back of his neck.

Meanwhile on Earth, the two admirals talk to Picard about conspiracies and conspiracy theories. Remmick returns to tell them that dinner is served. The two admirals go into the dinning hall but Picard tells them that he wants to phone Riker first and tell them that they are about to sit down for dinner. After the two admirals leave, he calls Riker but Dr. Beverly Crusher answers since Riker is still is knocked the fuck out.

Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him what's gone on. Apparently Quinn has a parasite in his neck that has taken control of all his brain functions. She tells him that there's a spike sticking out of the back of infected peoples' neck so Picard can look for that to know who is infected.

Picard asks if she can remove it, but she says that she cannot without killing the victim. She tells Picard to set his laser gun to kill, but she tells him that one doesn't take laser guns into Starfleet HQ. Remmick comes back out and tells him his dinner is getting cold. Picard tells Dr. Beverly Crusher to send Riker as soon as he is ready.

Back in the sickbay Riker has gotten up and is standing behind Dr. Beverly Crusher in a menacing fashion. OH FUCK IS HE INFECTED TOO?!

Picard goes into the dinning hall for dinner and is welcomed by the admirals. He sits down and there is a covered dish in front of him. The old white guy tells Picard to dig in so Picard removes the lid revealing a bowl of mealworms wriggling around. Picard is repulsed. Everyone else begins to chow down on the mealworms and Picard is like, "Fuck this shit, I've gotta bounce," and gets up to leave.

As he goes to leave the room but runs into Riker who also has a thing sticking out of his neck. Oh shit Riker has been taken over by a parasite. The Admirals tell Riker that he was meant for the Doctor but Riker tells them that it couldn't be helped. They say that the Doctor would be joining them soon enough.

Captain Scott comes in and she too has been infected by a parasite. The parasite-infected admirals tell Picard that they've known about his intentions the entire time but let Picard comes to them since it was more dramatic. Scott tells Picard that both races share a love of theater. The admirals talk about how they will soon control the Enterprise which is important to their plan for some reason.

The admirals tell Riker to "eat hearty, brother," as Riker grabs a fistful of mealworms and goes to chow down on them, but instead pulls his laser and blasts a dude. Scott draws her laser gun and aims at Riker but Picard karate chops her arms to throw off her aim. Riker then puts her on blast too. A parasite crawls out of her mouth.

The Vulcan Admiral attacks Riker, hitting him with a Vulcan nerve hold, however, unlike the Original Series where a Vulcan nerve hold knocked dudes the fuck out, here Riker just kind of grimaces but otherwise seems fine.

Picard grabs Captain Scott's laser gun and puts the Vulcan Admiral on blast. The old white guy admiral then flees with Picard and Riker chasing after him. He takes a shot at them and then tries to run off again but Picard and Riker blast him in the ass, killing him dead. They approach the body and see a parasite crawl out of his mouth and scurry under a nearby door.

Riker and Picard follow the parasite into a room and find Remmick sitting in a chair that looks suspiciously like that $10,000 wheelchair Admiral Mark Jameson used for five seconds in that one episode. Glad to see they're getting their money's worth with it. He's studying some sort of star chart and then turns and asks them if there is anything he can help them with.

The parasite crawls up his leg but Remmick seems unconcerned by it. Riker raises his laser gun to put the parasite on blast but Picard stops him. Remmick opens his mouth and the parasite crawls inside. He swallows it and his neck begins to bulge.

Remmick tells Picard and Riker, "We mean you know harm. We seek peaceful coexistence." Picard and Riker want no such thing and blast the fuck out of Remmick, blowing his head clean off. This is some real Riki-Oh shit and I am here for it!

His body explodes and some weird alien thing pops out of his body cavity. Picard cannot believe this shit and puts the creature on blast as well. Riker joins in and soon the parasitic being is totally wrecked and there is a shit-ton of gore all over Remmick's room.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard drops a Captain's Log informing us that Admiral Quinn is expected to make a full recovering since after the "mother creature" in Remmick died, so did all the other parasites. When then find out that Dr. Beverly Crusher somehow was able to simulate the gill on the back of Riker's neck in a couple minutes in order to fool everyone including Picard himself.

As the Enterprise continues on its spaceventures Data speculates that the message Remmick was transmitting before he got laser blasted was a homing beacon that he transmitted to an unexplored part of the galaxy. The episode then concludes with the Enterprise moving through space while an ominous beeping is heard, hinting that Remmick's message to the parasites was receive and they will once again be able to find Earth.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Our man Riker got in a karate fight with a brain-fuckled old man and later pretended to be infected by a brain-fuckler in a way that duped not only Picard but a host of brain-fuckled Starfleet Admirals. I'm going to say the dude was not intoxicated in the least.

Final Thoughts
I think this episode still holds up and outside of the auspices of this scientific study, it is easily the best episode I've seen since beginning this rewatch. It was an all action space venture with karate fights and laser guns and weird creep shit that looked like something out of a Tool music video, all things that are A-Number 1 in my book. There is, however, one thing about it that makes me a bit annoyed. In the last minute or so of the episode it is revealed that Remmick had sent a homing beacon from Earth to some unexplored part of space. This is such a great hook for a later space adventure that I'm pretty sure never got explored. Granted after TNG and DS9 I didn't really follow Star Trek all that closely so maybe there were Voyager episodes that dealt with the Brain-Fucklers that I never saw but it bums me out that they left this plot hook dangling on TNG.

Fuck Count
Unfortunately for as good of an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation is, as a piece of data for my ongoing study in the field of Star Trek Fuckology it represents yet another wasted 45 minutes as no one fucked at all.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6