Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E26 - The Neutral Zone
Preexisting Prejudices
I vaguely remember this episode being about people from the 20th century appearing on the Enterprise with disastrous results though I cannot for the life of me recall how they got onto a spaceship in the 24th century. Time fuckery perhaps? Also unknown what any of that has to do with the Neutral Zone.
Plot Synopsis
Today's cold open begins with Riker dropping a First Officer's Log in place of the usual Captain's Log that begin these things. He tells us that Picard had been summoned to some Space Base for a meeting and the rest of them are just chillin' hard waiting for his shuttle to return. He explains that at least they've found an old-ass space capsule from Earth to kill time by gawking at.
Worf tells Riker that it will eventually enter some random-ass system where it will certainly be destroyed and offers to catch it with a tractor beam but Riker's like, "Fuck that noise son it's just some space garbage."
Data is a bit more sentimental about the capsule and asks to beam over to study it while they are waiting for the Captain to return. Riker doesn't understand why he'd want to study some space garbage, but Data is like, "It is a piece of history," and tells Riker that chances to study ancient vehicles such as this are few and far between.
Riker tells him that he can go but that he needs to be back before the Captain returns. He then tells Worf to go with Data.
A moment later Data and Worf beam onto the capsule and begin looking around. They discover that the computers have ceased functioning but Data says that he "may be able to download this old style disk drive back to the Enterprise." I'm confused by how Worf and Data are able to walk around inside this space capsule. Certainly if it's something from the late 20th century or early 21st century like they claim it would not have artificial gravity since that is the time in which we currently live and we have yet to develop such technology, but I digress...
We then get some shitty comic relief as Worf walks into a door because it doesn't automatically open. He decides that it must have been sealed due to the age of the capsule and prepares to blast it open, but Data stops him and turns a lever to open it. Out of all the random-ass planets they've traveled to is this literally the first non-automatic door Worf had ever encountered? You'd assume that on some of the pre-space flight planets they'd still have normal-ass doors since in the real world automatic doors only existed for like seven years before the first trek into space and didn't become widespread until much later.
Anyway the door opens and Data and Worf head into the capsule's main chamber where they discover a number of refrigeration units. Data and Worf wipe frost from the viewing windows and find some corpses. Data surmises that the seals on the pods had broken leading to the environment becoming corrupted. They also discover some empty pods, but eventually they discover three humans who are frozen and appear to be completely intact. TALK ABOUT A (LITERAL) COLD OPEN!
After that good, good opening theme song, Geordi informs Riker that Picard's shuttle is approaching. Picard gets on the phone and tells Riker that he wants to get underway as soon as his shuttle has been secured. Riker tells him that he'll begin preparations and then calls Data and tells him to return to the Enterprise.
Data tells him about the frozen people he discovered and tells Riker that he doesn't think it right to leave them on the ship since it's all kind of fucked up. Riker tells him that whatever he's going to do he needs to do it quickly because Picard is nearly back and is in some kind of rush.
A moment later, Picard enters the bridge and tells Geordi to set coordinates that will take them into the Neutral Zone. Geordi's a bit confused, but Picard tells him that the coordinates are correct and to put the pedal to the metal...WARP 8!
Later in the conference room, Picard explains that a number of Federation outposts have been destroyed and they've also lost contact with several starbases near the Neutral Zone. Worf assumes that Romulans are responsible and Picard says that others in Starfleet share Worf's belief but Riker is perplexed since there's been no contact with the Romulans since "the Tomed Incident" some fifty years earlier.
Picard explains that it has been decided that Starfleet will send one ship (the Enterprise) to the Neutral Zone to determine what the Romulans are playing at and if push comes to shove show them the Federation's resolve. He says that it is assumed that the Romulans are hoping to draw the Federation into a skirmish in order to see how far the Federation has advanced in terms of technology and tactics. He then asks Troi for a profile on the Romulans and tells everyone to reconvene in six hours stating that he "would rather outthink them than outfight them," even though Riker and Worf both seem to want to fight them.
Later, Dr. Beverly Crusher informs Picard that she has thawed out the frozen people from the capsule. Picard seems confused by this so she tells him that Data brought them back from a derelict space capsule and she had no choice but to thaw them out because their refrigeration pods were falling apart.
She explains that they are currently sleeping and that all of them had some minor medical condition that would have been a death sentence in the late 20th century. She tells him that one had a heart condition, another emphysema and the third extensive liver damage. She then tells him that "the most surprising thinkg of all is that each of them had been frozen after they died." Picard is completely poleaxed by this so Dr. Beverly Crusher explains cyronics to him ("it was a kind of fad in the late twentieth century").
Picard then summons Data to the sickbay. After Data arrives he tells Data that he is never critical of his staff being curious but the timing of this filler episode plot couldn't come at a worse time. Data explains that he couldn't in good conscious leave them on a deteriorating ship but Picard tells him, "they were already dead. I mean, what more could have happened to them?"
Data concedes this point to the Captain who is then like, "Well they're alive now. We're going to have to treat them as living human beings..." He seems super disgusted by this fact which is hilarious to me.
Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that they are ready to be awakened. Picard thinks he would be a good idea to have security on hand and summons Worf to the sickbay. Worf arrives and Dr. Beverly Crusher uses an asthma inhaler on a previously frozen woman's neck. She wants up, takes one look at Worf and promptly faints. "Welcome to the 24th century," says a sarcastic Picard as we head to commercial break.
Back from the break, Data explains that he was able to retrieve some data from the old-ass floppy disc he got off the space capsule that sheds some light on the three survivors. The woman is named Clare Raymond and she was a thirty-five year old homemaker. "Must be some kind of construction work," opines Data.
The second is a fifty-five year old financier named Ralph Offenhouse. Dr. Beverly Crusher explains that he died of advanced cardiomyopathy which at the time of his death was inoperable, but in the Next Generation is easily correctable.
Data explains that the data file of the third survivor was corrupted and could not be retrieved but his name is "L.Q. 'Sonny' Clemonds" and "apparently his occupation had something to do with music." Dr. Beverly Crusher and Picard get back on that blaming addicts for being addicts tip after Dr. Beverly Crusher reveals that there was "marked deterioration of every system in his body. Probably from massive chemical abuse."
The three individuals are awoken and Picard then leaves them to Dr. Beverly Crusher and returns to the bridge where he tells Riker to take care of the formerly frozen trio and to keep them out of his way.
Sometime later, Riker has the trio in a living room somewhere. He explains to them that they are on a starship called the USS Enterprise. Ralph asks if it's an American ship but Riker explains that it's "a cessel of the United Federation of Planets" of which Earth is a member. He then asks what year it is and Data tells him that it is 2364.
The musician Sonny (who sounds like a hillbilly) wants to know what Data is. Riker informs him that he is an android. Sonny's like, "A robot?" which leads Data to state that there are differences between androids and robots, but does not elaborate any further. Clare wants to know about the one she saw before "with the head," but Riker tells her that explaining what a Klingon is while take more explanation.
Dr. Beverly Crusher explains to them that they are all now in perfect health and how they came to be on the Enterprise. Ralph seems more concerned about his money and stock portfolio than anything else though on account of being Big Business. He asks Riker for a phone so he can contact the bank and check on his money but Riker tells him that that won't be possible at the moment. Ralph then asks for a copy of the Wall Street Journal, but Riker tells him (and the others) to take things slowly until they are adjusted at which time they'll speak with the Captain.
Meanwhile on the bridge, Troi relays to Picard all she was able to ascertain about the Romulans from watching old videos of Star Trek: The Original Series. She explains that they are related to the Vulcans but are way more extreme. She says that they are arrogant but also curious and are fascinated by humans which is probably the main thing that has kept the peace. She tells him that the Romulans will not initiate anything, but will instead wait for Picard to commit himself. Picard thanks her for her insight.
Elsewhere Data and Riker are with the 20th Century Idiots. Data tells Sonny to order what he wants from the food dispenser. Sonny lists off a bunch of things but then cancels it and just orders a martini with two olives ("for the vitamins,") instead. He takes a sip and whistles. Data assumes that there is something wrong with it but Sonny declares it to be the best martini he's ever had. He then asks how to turn on the TV so he can watch the Braves.
Riker is perplexed by what he means by "TV." So Data explains that "he means television sir. That particular form of entertainment did not last much beyond the year 2040." That's right kids, we've got about 20 years of television left if Star Trek: The Next Generation is to be believed.
Sonny is dismayed by this and asks, "Well what do you guys do? I mean you don't drink and you ain't got no TV." Um...since when do they not drink? Their computer just made him a martini. They've routinely knocked back drink on episodes. There's a bar (though it has not yet shown up) on their ship. Sure he might be correct about the lack of TV but half these space misadventures are alcohol fueled.
Anyway Picard calls them on the phone and tells Riker and Data to head back to the bridge. Ralph asks them who they were talking to and Riker tells him it was the Captain. Ralph asks them to tell the Captain that he would like to see him as soon as possible. Clare wants to know what's going to happen to them but Riker tells her that it will be up to the Captain. Ralph then yells at Riker to bring the Captain to them posthaste since the interest in his Swiss bank accounts might be enough to buy the Enterprise outright. Riker brushes him off and then heads out with Data.
Sonny tells Data, "Why don't you come back later on. You and me'll find us a couple of low mileage pit woofies, and help'em build a memory."
Out in the hallway Data asks Riker what "a low mileage pit woofie" is but Riker is like, "The fuck if I know." They then talk about how garbage old timey people were which is pretty accurate based on how we in the 21st century look back at our own past.
Later in the ready room, Picard asks for his officers to report. Worf says that they are still six hours out from the Neutral Zone and he has so far been unable to contact any of the nine Federation colonies or space bases in the area. He Riker and Geordi then decide to proceed working under the assumption that they have all been destroyed by the Romulans since it fits the historic pattern.
Data says that because there's been a lack of contact for nearly half a century all the data they have is out of date. Riker views this as a positive since it also means the information the Romulans have about them is similarly out of date. Riker then opines that the lack of current data is the reason the Romulans are attempting to draw them into conflict: to see how far the Federation has advanced.
Riker then says he doesn't have a specific recommendation other than to be prepared ad take the initiative if possible. Worf agrees wholeheartedly while Data agrees only if their assumptions are correct. The meeting is suddenly interrupted by Ralph phoning into the conference room and telling Picard that he needs to speak with him.
Picard chews out Riker who says that Ralph must have figured out how to used the intercom after watching him use it. Picard tells Ralph that they are in the middle of something very important but Ralph is not having it. He says that the Enterprise is the worst run ship he's ever been on and that Picard could learn a thing from the QE2.
Picard is like, "The fuck is a QE2?"
Data explains that it was a ship that operated in the Atlantic Ocean in the late 20th and early 21st century, which I'm not sure is true. Did the QE2 last until the 21st century? It seems like a thing that probably stopped being vital as airfare became cheap as fuck, but I digress. Picard gets annoyed that his top of the line spaceship is being compared to an old-ass ocean liner and storms off while Ralph continues to ramble about how he needs a phone and a radio so he can contact his lawyer and shit.
Picard walks into the living room the 20th century fuckers are hanging out in and yells at Ralph for fucking around with the communication panel. Ralph's like, "If they're so important why don't they need an 'executive key?'" Picard again chides him and says "because no one else on this ship is a dumbass who doesn't understand how important these communicators are and therefore we are all capable of exercising self-discipline."
Picard tells him that the current situation the ship is in is potentially dangerous but Ralph's like, "my money is way more important than whatever it is you're doing because you're just a military man which is no way to make money. I am a one note caricature of a businessman!"
Picard tells Ralph that a lot has changed since he was frozen and that people are no longer obsessed with accumulating things. "We've eliminated hunger, want, the need for possessions. We have grown out of our infancy," he says.
Ralph tells him it wasn't about stuff but rather power. Picard asks him what kind of power he is talking of and Ralph tells him the power "to control your life, your destiny." Picard assures him that that sort of power is an illusion but Ralph tells him that it allowed him to cheat death which causes Clare to start crying.
Picard has zero desire to deal with Clare's shit so he summons Troi to come down to the living room. Riker then phones and tells Picard that they are approaching some space station. Picard tells him that he is on his way and goes to leave but is stopped by Sonny who tells him he needs to see "that pretty little Doctor of yours." Picard will tell her.
Ralph then apologizes for being a dick and says that he's built his entire life around knowing what's happening and for the first time he's completely in the dark and feels crazy because of it. Picard tells him that is the first reasonable thing he's said and then reminds him to not use the communicator.
Out in the hallway, Picard tells Troi to get those old timey assholes under control.
Later in Clare's quarters Troi talks to her about feelings. Clare calls her a "shrink" but Troi doesn't understand what it means. Clare explains that she misses her sons and can't stop crying. She says she doesn't know why her husband would have done this and then explains exactly why he would have done it after Troi speculates that he must have thought it was what Clare would have wanted.
"No, I can tell you exactly what happened. He couldn't think about going on alone," says Clare who has no idea why her husband would have had her frozen.
Clare says that she wants to know what happened with her kids so Troi gets on the computer and Googles them. Troi says that there would be records of marriages and births and things of that ilk so there's a good chance they can find out what happened to them. Clare thanks her and then tells the computer when her kids were born, but the scene cuts before she offers up a year of birth for the first kid so we can't do math and figure out exactly when Clare would have died and thus how ludicrous her being frozen and shot into space actually is.
Elsewhere Sonny is doctor shopping in the sickbay, trying to get Dr. Beverly Crusher to give him some pills, but this week Dr. Beverly Crusher is a lot less compassionate to drug addicts than she was a few episodes earlier and gives him an emphatic "no," telling him that he has "no medical need."
Sonny tells her that he'll just make do the best he can then and asks her how he can find Data. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that she'll let Data know that Sonny is looking for him. Sonny gives he swat on the ass and tells her that she is "the prettiest little old doctor," that he has ever seen. My dude, Dr. Beverly Crusher is not an old doctor, you must be thinking of Doctor Grandma who I think shows up in the next episode...
Back in Clare's quarters Troi has found Clare's family tree. Clare is amazed by it but then gets emotional due to the fact that everyone she ever knew is now dead. She asks to be alone for awhile and Troi leaves.
Meanwhile in Sonny's quarters Data shows up. Sonny tells him that he's looking for "something to do," so he doesn't go crazy. He suggests throwing a party. Nothing fancy, "just some folks, some suds, and some sounds."
Data tells him that he'll talk to the Captain about it and then asks him why he isn't having as much trouble adjusting to his circumstances as the other. Sonny tells him "it's the same dance, it's just a different tune," and then asks if anyone has a guitar he can use.
Data tells him that no one would have a guitar, but he can get the computer to replicate one for him. Riker then summons Data to the bridge since they are approaching the neutral zone. Sonny asks him what the Neutral Zone is and Data tells him that it's a "buffer between the Romulan Empire and the Federation." This makes Sonny nervous and he assumes that they "won't be inviting these Romulans to our party." Data confirms that they will not.
Back from commercial break, Picard explains via Captain's Log that they have arrived at the edge of the Neutral Zone and will have a chance to find out what happened to their outposts. Unfortunately what they find is a whole lot of nothing. No evidence of a fight or an explosion or natural phenomenon. It as though, as Worf says, "some great force just scooped it off the face of the planet."
Picard has Geordi set a course for the next closest station.
Down in the 20th century fuckers' living room, Ralph explains that something serious is happening on the ship and explains that the "tension level" has "jumped up." Sonny's like, "The fuck can we do? We don't know shit about space. Besides that robot fella made me this sweet guitar. Plays real good, too!" Ralph gets all pissed at him for not being a man of action but Sonny is once again the voice of reason telling Ralph to "just relax and let 'em (the crew of the Enterprise) do their jobs." Ralph will not abide by they and goes out to speak to the manager or some shit.
Back on the bridge Geordi informs the Captain that they've arrived at the next station but the crew finds the situation to be identical to the previous one. There is no sign of anyone or anything. Riker wants to go to Red Alert since it's entirely likely that the Romulans have improved their cloaking device and could be lurking anywhere.
Worf concurs and wants to go to battle stations, but Picard says that this is not a time for rash actions. He wants to investigate the remaining stations in the area and "proceed in a calm and orderly manner." Eventually though he agrees to go to Yellow Alert.
Down in the bowels of the ship the Yellow Alert klaxon sounds as Ralph wanders the halls. He sees a lady get out of an elevator and goes it in and tells the computer to take him to the bridge.
Back on the bridge, Worf detects a disturbance and Riker orders the shields up. Riker wants to fire up the laser blasters and photon torpedoes but Picard wants to hold off on that and not do anything to antagonize the Romulans. They try to lock onto the disturbance but it quickly vanishes as Ralph gets off the elevator and comes onto the bridge.
Geordi says that they can be certain that the Romulans cloaking technology has improved. Picard tells Riker that they were just attempting to gauge the Enterprises intentions and see if they would fire or not. Ralph then demands to know "Who the hell are they?" Riker yells for security to get Ralph off the bridge as the Romulan ship decloaks on the big-ass TV.
Back from break the crew (and Ralph) express shock at what they are seeing. Picard tells them to stay calm and open hailing frequencies (there has to be some shitty t-shirt with this on it in the style of those stupid British Keep Calm and Carry On posters right). Worf takes umbrage with this since the Romulans are without honor and killed his parents when they were supposed to be allies with the Klingons. So is Worf over 50 years old? I'm very confused by this timeline.
Picard tells him to control his emotions and open hailing frequencies. Worf does so and Picard introduces himself. Eventually two Romulans appear on the screen. They admit that their outposts have been destroyed in the same way as the Federation's. Picard asks them who is responsible for the attacks but the Romulans say nothing.
Ralph randomly yells, "They haven't got a clue! They're hoping you know, but they're too arrogant to ask!" Riker tells Ralph that he's out of line but Picard says the 20th century fucker is also correct in his assessment. The Romulans then admit that they do not know who is responsible. Picard proposes that the two sides work together to get to the bottom of the situation and share what information they can ascertain.
The Romulans agree but only "on this one issues. And only if it is convenient and appropriate at the time." Way to give a noncommittal answer there guys. The Romulans then warn Picard that they were only absent because other more urgent matters distracted them but now they are back and will not tolerate anymore unchecked Federation expansion. They sign off and Picard says, "I think our lives just became a lot more complicated," before throwing Ralph off his bridge.
Meanwhile in Clare's quarters, Troi finds some relative of Clare's. He has the same name as Clare's son and looks just like her husband. Troi suggests Clare visit him in Indianapolis when she returns to Earth since he's family and it's probably the best place to start.
Later in the conference room, Picard tells the people out of time that he has arranged for the USS Charleston to take them back to Earth since they can't stay on the Enterprise. Ralph, finally realizing that all his money and work connections are gone wonders what he will do and how he will live. Picard reminds him that it's the 24th century and they are living in a post-scarcity economy except for when they want to talk about workplace gambling or buying drinks at a bar.
Ralph wants to know what the challenge is if there's not a way to become the richest anymore. Picard tells him the challenge comes from trying to improve and enrich oneself. Sonny, meanwhile, takes this new situation in stride "since everybody's forgotten everything I ever did." He then offers Data a career in the music industry. Data says the "offer does present a certain fascination," but ultimately declines. He would release an album of jazz standards some three years later.
Back on the bridge Geordi tells Picard that he's plotted a course to intercept the Charleston so they can drop off the 1980s people but the Charleston has told that that they are going to be making an extended stop at some random planet. Picard gives zero shits. Geordi continues that they could drop them off at some starbase and save them some time but Picard thinks that being in space for an extended period of time will help them adjust to their current situation.
Riker says it's a pity that they couldn't take them back to Earth themselves since having them on the ship is "like a visit from the past." Picard, however, says that going to Earth would take them in the wrong direction, apparently forgetting the fact that they returned to Earth in the previous episode and were greeted by Admirals who said it was always a pleasure to see the Enterprise return to Earth which implies it happens with some regularity.
Picard then says some trite bullshit about how their mission is to go forward and it's only just begun before blasting off to further adventure.
How Rikered Was Riker?
He did allow Worf and Data to beam over to a derelict space ship that Data only scanned to determine whether or not it had oxygen in it after they beamed over. I'm not entirely certain whether or not Data needs oxygen in order to function but Worf definitely does. I'm saying our man was three sheets to the wind at least in the cold open.
Final Thoughts
This episode kind of sucked in a lot of ways and completely sucked as a season finale, especially when compared to the episode that preceded it. Sure nothing came of the brain fucklers but that homing beacon beeping would have been a much better send off for the first season than the trite, "There's still much to do. Still so much to learn. Mister La Forge, engage!" that we got.
To be fair to this episode there could have been a decent season 2 hook with the Romulans returning and foreshadowing some unseen enemy that both sides are afraid of. I don't know if this was always supposed to be the Borg, something they retconned into being the Borg, or another thing like the brain fucklers that is never mentioned again, but ultimately it seems a lot less menacing than the brain fucklers did because it more or less plays second fiddle to people from the 1980s being dumb in the future. Had the entire episode been dedicated to the Romulan plot and the 1980s people in the future been its own episode this could have been a decent season finale but it wasn't so it isn't.
Similarly the stuff with people from the 1980s appearing in the 24th century or whenever the Next Generation is could have been an alright one off thing since it provided the show with an in-universe means of explaining how their society functioned and differed from the society of 1980s America in a way that was logical. That being said, the tone of the stuff with the thawed out people of the late 80s was kind of lighthearted and goofy which didn't really lend itself well to the seriousness of the B-plot with the Romulans. Also no one fucked.
Fuck Count
So here we are. The final fuck count for the season, and it still stands at 6 fucks total and to be completely honest, two of those fucks are speculative at best. The only people we know fucked for certain are Data & Yar and Riker & The President of Angel One. The two remaining fucks would have been between Yar and some number of random denizens of Fuck Planet VII and Riker and any number of Fuck Planet VII residents though in both instances the fucking is subtextual.
For a show that I recall being one of the horniest television programs of all time, this initial season was remarkably chaste. Outside of these 6 (or 4) individuals fucking there was very little even in the way of sexual tension. There were a few moments between Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher but their seeming desire to fuck would more often than not be completely ignored depending on who was writing the episode. The same is kind of true of Riker and Troi though with them things more often manifested in the two of them being emo rather than gazing upon each other in a lusty manner.
Hopefully the action picks up in Season 2 and we get way more horniness and outright fuckin', but until that time here are the Star Trek: TNG Fuck Report Season 1 MVF (Most Valuable Fucker) and LVF (Least Valuable Fucker).
MVF: My mang, Commander William Riker. Not only did he engage in sexual diplomacy and randomly fuck a bunch of horny aliens that later wanted to kill Wesley Crusher. He got emo as fuck when his fuck buddy was going to get married and on occasion eye-fucked random female crew members. Honorable mention goes to Yar who fucked a robot and also horny aliens and did little else before getting killed by Swamp Thing But Oil.
LVF: While there were only a handful of characters that engaged in fucking this season, I'm going to give the nod to Captain Picard because there was an opportunity for him to get on the Fuck Count Tallyboard, but Patrick Stewart put the kibosh on it, thus depriving all of us of this very important potential fucking. If not for this bit of metadata being known to me I probably would have given it to Geordi, but knowing what I know about Geordi in later seasons I figure he'll end up owning this title in all subsequent seasons anyway.
Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6
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