Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E13 - Time Squared

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the world's most scientific study into the field of Star Trek fuckology. Today we continue our research into the second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation with the 13th episode of that particular season: Time Squared. The episode debuted on April 3, 1989 and is about some timeline fuckery, so be prepared to be annoyed.

Preexisting Prejudices
This is one of those episodes that for whatever reason I always used to see when I was watching back to back episodes at 5:00 and 6:00 on my local Fox affiliate when I was in high school. As I mentioned above there's some weird timeline fuckery (think Groundhog Day) and, if memory serves correctly absolutely no fucking. That being said, it's been probably close to 15 years since I last saw it so it's entirely possible that I could be wrong and it's an episode with wall to wall boning.

Plot Synopsis 
We kick things off with Riker With Beard whisking eggs in his lair. The doorbell rings and Data, Geordi, Dr. Grandma and Worf arrive bearing gifts. Data and Geordi have some sort of camping stove while Dr. Grandma has a handle of booze.

Data tells Riker With Beard that there are easier ways to prepare food in the Next Generation, but Riker tells him that the food generators don't "allow for flair or individuality." Riker With Beard the cooks "omelettes" that seem more like scrabbled eggs to me, but I'm not a chef or anything so who knows. Riker With Beard explains that he learned to cook because of his father.

Dr. Grandma assumed that his father liked cooking but Riker tells her that he hated it which is why he left it up to Riker With Beard. Worf then reminds us that this show was made by old fucks in the 1980s when he says, "It is my understanding that in most human families, the woman shares in the cooking."

Riker With Beard explains that his mother died when he was very young and it was just him and his father when he was growing up. Riker With Beard then plates up the omelettes and the crew members dig in. Geordi and Dr. Grandma are repulsed by them while Worf declares them to be "Delicious."

Before anymore terrible sitcom level humor, Picard summons Riker With Beard to the bridge. On the bridge, Picard tells Riker With Beard that they found a random-ass Federation shuttlecraft chillin' in space.

Worf is somehow on the bridge too now and informs everyone that there's a single life form on the shuttle; humanoid. Picard wants to call them on the space phone, but Worf tells him that the shuttle has no power so they set a course to intercept. Talk about a cold open!

After that good, good opening theme song we check back in on the Enterprise. After Picard drops a Captain's Log recapping all the pertinent information from the cold open, the crew of the Enterprise uses a tractor beam to pull the shuttlecraft into their shuttlebay.

STAR TREK ACTION TEAM (Riker With Beard and Worf) go down to the shuttlebay to check on the shuttlecraft they brought aboard and are poleaxed to discover that it's registration number is identical to one of their own shuttles...on that is actually sitting right next to this mysterious shuttle. Things get even more mysterious when they open to the door to the shuttle and find an unconscious Captain Picard in the ship.

Riker With Beard summons Picard down to the shuttlebay but won't tell him why because I guess he wants to see Picard's dome get blown by the fact that there's another version of him knocked the fuck out in the shuttle. Picard arrives with Troi and Dr. Grandma informs him that his double's life signs are confusing as fuck but there's no sign of trauma. Dr. Grandma then takes the Picard double to sickbay to check on him.

With the double gone, Picard asks Troi for her hot takes. She tells him that she's never felt anything like this before so it's hard to explain, but the person Dr. Grandma just carted off is him. Picard is insistent that it is not him, but Troi says that it is, but she needs for him to regain consciousness before she can know anything else.

Picard then tells Data to check the shuttle's logs to find out what the F is going on but the shuttle's battle has been drained. Data tells Picard that he needs to hook it up to the Enterprise to turn it on. Riker With Beard then summons Geordi from Engineering to help Data turn the shuttlecraft back on. Everyone else then fucks off: Picard to sickbay, Riker With Beard and Worf back to the bridge.

Back on the bridge, Riker With Beard has everyone resume course and tells Worf to put the scanners on full blast.

Back down in the shuttlebay, Data and Geordi discover that the Enterprise's power supply is not compatible with the shuttle for reasons neither of them can understand.

Down in the sickbay, Dr. Grandma has Picard II on a bed and is scanning him when Troi and Picard enter. Dr. Grandma explains that Picard II's vital signs are all kinds of fucked up and she doesn't know why. She says that she's ruled out head injury as are reason for him being knocked the fuck out though. Picard tells her to revive him so Dr. Grandma pokes Picard II with space smelling salts and everything goes out of fucking control. She jabs him with something else and he stabilizes. 

"Apparently, the normal stimulant had the opposite effect. I'll have to try something else," she explains.

Back in the shuttlebay, Opposite Day continues aboard the Enterprise with Geordi and Data decreasing inverts when they should be increasing them and other wacky bullshit in order to get the shuttle to turn back on. Eventually they manage to do so and learn that the shuttle's internal clocks are from six hours in the future which means that Picard II is also a time traveler!

Back from break, Picard via Captain's Log, explains that the mystery has been solved. It's time travel!

Down in the sickbay, Picard tells Dr. Grandma to attempt to wake Picard II up again. She gives him a jab and he opens his eyes but seems to be in pain. Dr. Grandma tries to give Picard II a sedative but Captain Picard tells her not to and to keep Picard II conscious.

Picard then calls for a staff meeting but has Dr. Grandma do a teleconference so she can keep an eye on Picard II. Picard I leaves and tells her to keep him informed of any changes with Picard II, "no matter how small."

Later in the conference room, Geordi and Data present the logs that they were able to retrieve from the weird shuttle. There's a visual log that shows the shuttle leaving the shuttlebay while Riker With Beard watches on. Moments later the Enterprise is shown blowing up. Geordi then plays an audio log in which Picard II declares, "I have just witnessed the total destruction of the USS Enterprise with a loss of all hands, save one...me.

The crew then raps about how weird it is that Picard II would have abandoned ship and left everyone else to die since that is so out of character. They then talk about what they should do to avoid this situation that is apparently set to happen in a few hours. Worf talks about the plot from Groundhog Day while Riker With Beard is more about the futility of all things and is of the mind that once Picard II came aboard the Enterprise they set off a chain reaction with only one possible outcome.Ultimately they just decide to go wherever the shit it was that they were supposed to be going before they got sidetracked by the plot of the episode.

Back in sickbay, Dr. Grandma tells Picard that Picard II is all fucked up because his biological clock is out of whack, but as they get closer to the time that Picard II came from he should theoretically return to normal. Picard then asks Troi for her hot takes on Picard II and she tells him that his emotions are still a jumbled mess but "he desperately wants to leave this ship."

Back from commercials Picard drops a Captain's Log explaining that they've continued en route to wherever the fuck it was that they were going and are, "now less than two hours away from our rendezvous with ourselves."

On the bridge, Riker With Beard tells Worf, "CRANK THOSE SCANNERS UP BABY!" since they're close enough in time to the disaster that something could pop off at any moment. While they're chatting about scanners and shit, Dr. Grandma calls on the space phone to tell Picard that Picard II is "more coherent."

Picard leaves Riker With Beard in charge and heads down to sickbay. A moment later, Troi follows after him.

Down in sickbay Dr. Grandma tells Picard that Picard II's vitals have stabilized and he's calmer. Picard asks her if he knows where he is and who is with him but she says that she doesn't think he does. This does not stop Picard I from haranguing Picard II about being a coward and abandoning his ship and leaving his crew to die.

Troi's all like, "Chillax dude he doesn't understand you."

Picard I keeps yelling about Picard II and Troi tries to tell Picard I that Picard II is afraid, but this just makes Picard I bellow, "DAMN YOU!" at him. Dr. Grandma tells him that as the time gap becomes smaller Picard II might have some answers but for now he's going to have to wait.

Picard I then asks Troi if she's still convinced that Picard II is him. She tells him that she is but knows that Picard I isn't. Picard I screams how except for Picard II's appearance there's nothing familiar about him. He then storms off telling Troi to stay since she will be able to communicate with Picard II faster than anyone else.

Dr. Grandma is then like, "Picard I is going to crack under all this pressure and if he does I'm totally going to relieve him of his duties." This gets played up as some big thing but ultimately nothing comes of if and I'm now guessing that it was just something to fill a couple minutes on an episode that was running short.

Later in Picard's office Picard talks to Riker With Beard about what could have caused the shuttlecraft to be sent back through time. He brings up past time travel fuckery culprits like The Traveler and Dr. Paul Manheim but neither of those seem to be the answer they're looking for. After some more time killing dialogue, Riker With Beard tells Picard that is a man of action but right now all he can do is sit around and wait.

Luckily he doesn't have to wait long since Worf phones them and is like, "SHIT IS POPPIN' OFF OVER HERE!" and we see a big-ass space tornado underneath the Enterprise.

Back from commercials, the Enterprise is getting sucked into a space tornado. Geordi tells Picard that he has the engines at 30% just to maintain their current position. Picard tells Geordi to get his ass up to the bridge and Geordi heads up.

Troi tells Picard that she detects a consciousness in the space tornado. Picard ask Riker With Beard what he thinks. Riker With Beard says that he thinks that the space tornado is probing them. Picard wonders what the space tornado is trying to to learn from them. He decides that they should stay and investigate..."unless that was the mistake...staying too long." Picard then is like, "Shit we gots to go now!" since leaving "would be the prudent move."

Geordi shows up and Picard is like, "Geordi, get us the fuck out of here!" Geordi powerjams it, but the ship does not move at all. Riker With Beard tells Picard that the ship can't handle the strain so Picard orders a full stop. The Enterprise starts to slid backwards into the space tornado.

While Geordi resets the engines, Picard has Worf launch a probe, but the space tornado blows it up immediately. A lightning bolt then hits Picard and Picard II down in the sickbay.

"That was personal," says Picard.

Dr. Grandma then calls and tells Picard that Picard II just got hit with a lightning bolt but is still alive.

Riker With Beard tells Worf to arm the torpedoes and target the center of the space tornado. Worf does and awaits Picard's order, but before Picard can order anything another lightning bolt blasts him and slams him into a wall.

Geordi tells Picard that he's at maximum warp and that he doesn't know if he can hold it any longer. Troi tells Picard that whatever is in the space tornado seemingly wants him, not the Enterprise. Picard asks her if he were leave would the space tornado focus on him.

Troi says that she thinks it would. Riker With Beard tells him Picard would never survive but Picard tells him that he might buy them some time so the Enterprise can escape. Picard then comes to realize that is what Picard II must have been trying to do. Picard then leaves the bridge in Riker With Beard's hands as we head into commercial break.

Back in the sickbay, Picard II is agitated and saying that he needs to get to the shuttle. Picard I asks him if Picard II knows where he is. Picard II tells him that he's on the Enterprise, but when asked if he knows who Picard I is, Picard II just says that he must go. 

Picard I tells Dr. Grandma to release Picard II from his restraints and let him go without any distractions.

The two Picards then walk through the Enterprise toward the shuttlebay. Picard II tells Picard I that the space tornado wants him and is "a life form which recognizes the Enterprise as an entity with [him] as its brain."

Picard I asks Picard II if there was any other option beside leaving the Enterprise. Picard I tells him that if he leaves the Enterprise it will be destroyed but Picard II claims that if he stays it will be destroyed. Picard I tries to glean any additional information Picard II has before he gets into the shuttle.

Picard I gets pissed and tries to get Picard II to tell him what the other option was besides leaving in the shuttle. It's all very dumb. Eventually Picard I just grabs a phaser and blasts Picard II center mass. He summons Dr. Grandma to the shuttlebay and heads back to the bridge.

Dr. Grandma and Miles O'Brien show up in the shuttlebay moments later and see the corpse of Picard II.

Back on the bridge Picard I is like, "Fuck it we're going to drive our Enterprise right into the center of this space tornado!" They drive into the tornado while down in the shuttlebay the mystery shuttle and the corpse of Picard II mysteriously vanish and a moment later the Enterprise emerges from the other end of the space tornado in some normal-ass space.

Later in the lounge, Picard is looking out the window. Riker With Beard comes in and is like, "Maybe all this was some mass hallucination," but Picard thinks that maybe Picard II got thrown back in time so that they could get a do-over. Picard then tells Riker With Beard, "They say if you travel far enough, you will eventually meet yourself. Having experienced that, Number One, it's not something I would care to repeat." Riker With Beard leaves him to his thoughts to close out a real dull-ass episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Dr. Grandma brought beers to Riker's scrabbled egg omelette party but Picard put the kibosh on the party before Riker With Beard was able to knock any back so I don't think Riker With Beard was particularly Rikered. Picard on the other hand...

Final Thoughts
This episode was a lot shittier than I remembered it being. Most of it was just, "What should we do?" "There's nothing we can do!" and then the final solution to their big problem was "Just drive into the middle of the space tornado." More importantly than that is the fact that this was an episode of a TV show with an evil twin that had zero mistaken identity fucking! What the fuck Star Trek: The Next Generation? What the fuck?

Fuck Count
Yet again there was absolutely no fucking in this episode.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)