Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E15 - Pen Pals

I must confess that as of late I've taken little joy in watching this stupid program since the episodes I've gotten have been rather uniformly terrible even without my serious scientific study. It's just a bunch of bad episodes of a television show. To be most forth right I have been considering going on hiatus with the Fuck Report and still may do so, but this episode was downloaded onto my phone so I'll at least look at this one last episode to get it off my phone before I go on break. So, let's get down to business...to defeat...the Huns. Did they send me daughters? When I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I ever met...but you can bet before we're through..Mister, I'll make a man out of you!!!

Preexisting Prejudices

I don't know anything about this episode, but the title is pretty stupid and leads me to believe that there will be no fucking.

Plot Synopsis

Picard begins the episode with a cold open Captain's Log, explaining that they are in the planetary system of the week where every planet is going buck wild with geographic activity. He hopes the Enterprise can figure out why, but before they do he's got some more pressing matters to attend to: riding horses.

We see him and Troi walking to the holodeck talking about riding horses. Troi is surprised that Picard likes animals. He says he does not like small animals, but a horse? That's a different matter entirely. Picard asks Computer for "an appropriate mount," and after Computer lists off some random sci-fi animals Picard specifies, "Horse. Earth horse," which is the best single line of dialogue I've yet encountered in this stupid show.

Computer makes an Earth horse and Picard goes in to ride. He talks more to Troi about animals as he puts a saddle on the horse. Troi says that Betazoids aren't very good animals trainers because they "become too involved in the thoughts and shifting passions of the beast," and end up getting "swept up in emotion."

Picard quickly points out how stupid this reason is due to the fact that humans are far more complex and prone to shifting passions than any random-ass animal. Picard gets ready to mount up like a Regulator but is called back to the bridge on the space intercom by Riker With Beard.

Back on the bridge Riker With Beard shows Picard one of the planets from this week's star system. It looks like a big-ass ball of lava. Picard is impressed. Riker With Beard informs him that the "last unmanned probe showed a thriving ecosystem. Now there's nothing." Cue dramatic music sting.

After that good, good opening theme song, we join the crew in the conference room. Riker With Beard has summoned them all to discuss Wesley Crusher's education. He reminds everyone that he was technically put in charge of Wesley's schooling back in the first episode of this season and now wants to put Wesley in charge of the geological survey of the planets of the week.

They talk about whether or not Wesley's ready to command a team yet. Ultimately Picard thinks that he is and they then summon Wesley Crusher to join them in the conference room. He looks like he's going to piss himself in fear as he enters, but once he learns why he was called in he's giddy as fuck and all smiles. Picard reminds him that "this is a serious responsibility." Wesley stops being a complete goof and tells them that he'll try not to disappoint them.

What about me Wesley? The fact that this is shaping up to be a Wesley-centric episode has disappointed the heck out of me.

Over on the bridge, Data's taking apart some kind of spaceship chunk to upgrade scanners or something. Worf asks him if he can also scan for artificial transmissions in addition to naturally occuring signals. Data tells him that those signals are very hard to detect which is why he is trying to boost the power. Worf then trips on some chunks that Data has next to the workstation he's dicking around at. Data tells him he will clean it all up. Worf is grumpy.

Meanwhile in the hallway Wesley interrupts Riker With Beard as he is trying to put the mack moves on Troi. He asks for advice on putting together a sci-fi team and says that he's overthinking it all and confusing himself. He tells Riker With Beard who his picks are. Troi then uses X-Men powers to detect that Wesley is a bit unsure of himself because everyone is much older than him.

He says that she's right and feels weird about having to boss around people older and more experienced then him. Also he doesn't know what to do about personality conflicts. Riker With Beard tells him that if there are personality conflicts Wesley will settle them because he's in charge. Do H.R. departments no longer exist in the Next Generation?

Wesley is like, "So you not only have to understand the job, but you also have to be a ship's counselor?" Troi tells him that sometimes that is the case. Wesley thanks them and runs off.

Later in a science lab, Wesley meets some dude named Davies that he wants to recruit for his sci-fi team. Davies is please to be on the team and asks who else Wesley's got. Wesley tells him and Davies like, "It's just personal opinion, but I like to break up married teams." Wesley tells him that he hadn't thought of that but Davies is like, "Don't worry they'll probably work out fine," and then offers to take over for Wesley if he gets overwhelmed by his assignment. Wesley thanks him and tells him that he thinks he'll do alright.

Later in Data's quarters he's fucking around with a ham radio and picks up a transmission asking, "Is anybody out there?" Data replies, "Yes," to bring the act to a close.

Meanwhile in a hallway, Wesley is pacing around in front of a door looking nervous. Dr. Grandma sees him and asks him what he's pacing around about. Wesley tells her that his team is behind the door and he has to assign task to all of them and lay out schedules and stuff. She tells him that it sounds like he has everything under control. Wesley says that he's worried since he hasn't had to deal with them professionally.

Dr. Grandma tells him that he has nothing to prove to them since he has the authority. Wesley bemoans the fact that he only has the authority because Riker With Beard said he did. Dr. Grandma tells him that it's now up to him to hang onto that authority and that for what it's worth she thinks he's going to do a good-ass job.

We then get a Captain's Log in which Picard explains that they've been chilling out in the star system of week for six weeks while Wesley and his guys study rocks and shit on a bunch of planets that are going buck wild geologically.

We then check in with Wesley's crew doing science. They seem to be doing good work and listening to Wesley until Wesley asks them to do some kind of sci-fi test due to the presence of trace amounts dilithium present on some of the tests but Davies is like, "Those tests will take a long time to set up and a lot of time these sort of trace amounts of dilithium are just false positives."

One of the other science people tells him that setting up the scanner is a major undertaking. "Five hours minimum!" interjects Davies. Wesley says that he doesn't want to half-ass it. Davies tells him that there's doing a thorough job and then there's wasting time and knowing which is which is the mark of a good leader. Wesley looks glum and tells him that maybe he is right.

Meanwhile Data asks Computer about volcanoes on one of the planets of the week. Whatever he sees freaks him out and he goes to find Picard. He finds him riding a horse on the holodeck. He tells Picard that he got a transmission from a girl named Sarjenka on one of the planets and during the 8 weeks that they've been chilling in the system he has been talking to her. Her civilization is apparently unaware of space shit so Data talking to her was not okay via the Prime Directive.

"Oops..." says Picard.

Data goes on to tell her that through context clues in the conversations and Wesley's science work it's become clear to him that Sarjenka's planet is also going to get fucked up due to geography. Data tells Picard that if they can determine what is causing the problem they may be able to resolve them and save everyone.

Picard tells him that this would violate the Prime Directive even more, but tells Data to call a staff meeting to rap about this issue and also to stop talking to a girl child on a random-ass planet immediately not because it's creepy as fuck but because it's against the Prime Directive.

In Ten Forward, Riker With Beard is putting the mack moves on a lady. He excuses himself to get them two more beers but before he can return to the table he sees Wesley motioning for him to come over. Riker With Beard give the lady her beer and temporarily excuses himself due to a "family emergency."

Riker With Beard joins Wesley who explains what happened with Davies. Riker With Beard tells him that it's sometimes hard to give people orders. Wesley explains that the issue isn't really the age of his crew, but rather the thought that there's nothing about him that makes his judgement superior to those he's bossing around.

Riker tells him that he needs to learn to trust judgement if he wants to sit in the captain's chair. Wesley asks him what happens if he makes the wrong decision though. Riker With Beard tells him that it's arrogant to think that he'll never make mistake. Wesley asks him what if it's something more crucial that a geological survey and someone dies because of his mistake. 

Riker With Beard tells him to just ask himself "What would Picard do?" Wesley says that Picard would listen to everyone's opinions and then decide what to do and once he made his decision no one would question him because he's Captain Picard.

Data then summons Riker With Beard to the conference room for a staff meeting and Riker With Beard tells Wesley that he has to go and hopes he was some help. Wesley tells him that he's going to have to Davies run those tests. Riker With Beard leaves and tells the babe that he was having beers with that he has to go and that he'll see her later. AW YE YE!

Later in the science lab, Wesley tells Davies to do the tests and Davies is just like, "Okay," and that's the end of that. I know I generally shit all over Wesley and Wesley related plots for how much of a Mary Sue the character is or whatever that goddamn term is, but I thought this was honestly really well done especially the conclusion just being Davies agreeing to do the thing without issue since 90% of time that's how this sort of self-doubting shit ends up working out. 

In the conference room, the crew discuss what to do about the millions of people that are about to die on a planet down below. They talk about the Prime Directive which always seems like a pretty shitty rule to have in place since it's always just a convenient reason to not do something that is very clearly "the right thing to do," and never actually protect Starfleet as Picard says it is supposed to (see the fact that they were going to let Wesley die for stepping on a flower because of the Prime Directive back in season one).

Talk gets ever more "stoned college freshmen at 2:00 in the morning" when the crew start to talk about fate and cosmic plans and "if there is fate maybe we're fated to help these people." It's all very, very stupid. Eventually Picard tells Data to terminate the transmission with Sarjenka but instead Data plays her asking where Data is and telling him that she's afraid. Because this transmission constitutes a direct request for help, Picard decides that helping them would no longer be in direct violation of the Prime Directive. 

Back from break, Wesley's science team explains to Riker With Beard and Picard what the issue is. It's boring technical garbage that they can fix by playing some specific frequency to dissolve dilitium or something. They all credit Wesley for ordering the test he was worried about ordering for discovering this fact because otherwise shit out of luck.

Picard tells them to get to work on it and they leave. Riker With Beard then tells Picard that Data is calculating the safest place on the planet. Picard is not pleased with this but tells Riker With Beard that Data can contact his friend to tell them where they should go in order to be safe. Picard then tells Riker With Beard that they're up to their neck in the shit.

Meanwhile in Data's quarter's he is attempting to contact Sarjenka, but can't due to atmospheric activity.

Later in Picard's office, Worf and a science nerd tell Picard about how they're going to destroy the crystals and save the planet. It's more technical bullshit that I don't give a shit about since what's really important is that Picard bellows, "TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" and for the first time succeeds in getting the food-a-majig to make him one that he then consumes.

Worf and the science nerd leave and Data comes in asking to beam down to the planet. He explains that he is unable to transmit a message so he wants to deliver it in person. Picard's like, "C'mon mang!" but ultimately Data convinces him to let him go. Picard tells Riker With Beard to handle to teleportation and as Riker With Beard asks where they are now, Picard motions to signify that they are in over their heads.

In the teleportation chamber, Riker With Beard tells O'Brien to "take a nap." O'Brien goes over to the corner to doze off while Riker With Beard prepares to beam Data down telling him that he has ten minutes and if he sees anyone except Sarjenka, he is to immediately beam back up. Data is then beamed down to the planet and Riker With Beard is immediately summoned back to the bridge. Riker With Beard leaves and tells O'Brien that he knows what to do.

Down in Sarjenka's house which is made entirely of hexagons, Data wanders about. He finds the radio she used to contact him but no one is there. There are some tremors and Data touches a wall, causing it to disappear revealing a red, volcanic hellscape outside the hexagon house.

A moment later an orange child with weird hands comes running it. It's Sarjenka. Data introduces himself and tells her that she and her family must leave due to the earthquakes and volcanoes and shit. She tells him that they did but she came back to get her ham radio. Data tells her that she cannot survive the hell that's outside her front door and decides to beam Sarjenka back onto the Enterprise with him.

Back in the teleportation lair O'Brien tells Data, "There's going to be hell to pay."

Data asks where Riker With Beard is and learns he's on the bridge. Data heads off to the bridge with Sarjenka and O'Brien's a bit of a space racist when he asks, "And you're going to take that?" Sarjenka doesn't want to stay with the space racist and begs not to be left behind so Data takes her to the bridge.

Data arrives on the bridge with Sarjenka and Picard is fucking pissed! He tells Troi to take Sarjenka to sickbay, but Sarjenka wants to stay with Data. It's all very, very annoying. Eventually Picard just tells Data to keep her over by his workstation as they launch science at the planet to try and save it. I guess  it works.

Afterwards Picard has Data take Sarjenka to sickbay. As soon as they leave he calls Dr. Grandma and is like, "Remember that old-ass 21st century Michael Gondry movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Can you do that mind erase shit on a small orange child with fucked up hands?" Dr. Grandma says that as long as the orange child's brain is similar to a human brain she can.

Later in sickbay Sarjenka sees some kind of stone on Dr. Grandma's desk. It is a singing stone that sings a different song for whoever holds it. Sarjenka asks Data what song it sings for him. He tells her that it doesn't sing for him because he's a robot. This is maybe the single most depressing throwaway line I've come across on this show yet.

Anyway Dr. Grandma erases all Sarjenka's memories of Data and the trip to the Enterprise. Data then takes her back home while she's still sedated and puts her in her bed but the puts the singing stone into one of her fucked up hands before beaming back up to the Enterprise.

Back on the Enterprise, Data apologizes to Picard for making everyone on the ship do crazy bullshit that is against the rules but Picard tells him that sometimes there are obligations that go beyond duty. Data tells Picard that even though Sarjenka will not remember him he will remember her. Picard comments that remembrance and regrets are also a part of friendship and that understanding that has brought Data "a step closer to understanding humanity."

And that's the end of the show. Another total bullshit episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

Well, we actually saw him knocking back beers while on the job in this episode so I'm assuming the answer to this is, "Very."

Final Thoughts

Do you know how bad an episode has to suck when Wesley Crusher: Boy Genius is honestly one of the least annoying parts of the episode? Somehow this shitty episode managed to pull off that remarkable feat since his plot was almost humanizing for a character who back in season one was declared to be the Chosen One. That's not to say it was good, it was just the least bad part of a terribly bad episode. This shit sucked. Also no one fucked.

Fuck Count

We were so goddamn close! Riker With Beard was clearly about 20 minutes away from taking a trip to the Bone Zone with that lady medical officer that he was chugging beers with before fucking Data cockblocked my mang, Riker With Beard, calling him to a staff meeting about how to save a small orange child with fucked up hands.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)