Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E17 - Samaritan Snare
Preexisting Prejudices
I don't remember this episode based on title or the episode description Netflix provides. Seems like we're going to get some medical shit though.
Plot Synopsis
It's time once again for Wesley to take the space SATs or whatever and on the bridge, Riker With Beard gives him some sort of USB with "testing parameters" on it. Wesley is nervous about the test since he's not actually been to Starfleet Academy or some shit but Riker With Beard and Data remind him that he's already done the job he's attempting to get into school to learn how to do so he'll do fine on the test.
Meanwhile in Doctor Grandma's lair, Doctor Grandma is scolding Picard about letting some sort of medical condition go untreated for too long. She orders him to go to a spacebase to get it treated. Picard really wanted to see some sort of "Pulsar Cluster" that the ship was going to study so Doctor Grandma offers to perform the procedure herself on the ship. Picard flat out refuses.
The way they're not saying outright what Picard needs to be treated for and his adamant refusal to let Doctor Grandma carry out the procedure ("It would be inappropriate for you to carry out the procedure," he tells her at one point) makes me think it's something related to his dick or his prostate or something. She tells him that if he's worried about his ego he should just go to the random spacebase and get the "replacement" done there.
Now I've got no fucking clue what is going on. Does Picard canonically have a detachable penis like that King Missile song? I think he might...
Later on the bridge, Picard bumps into Wesley as Wesley leaves to go take his space SATs at a random spacebase. Picard tells him to wait since he has to go as well and they can split a shuttle. Wesley's all like, "I thought you really wanted to see that Pulsar Cluster or whatever."
Picard is clearly bummed out and Riker With Beard asks him if it's something he can take care of on the random spacebase in Picard's stead but Picard tells him that it is most certainly not. He gives Riker With Beard command of the bridge and leaves to prepare for his trip.
Picard is then shown gathering some books in his office. Riker With Beard comes in and tells him that he is being "rather enigmatic," about his sudden trip to a random spacebase. Picard tells him it's "Captain's privilege," and Riker With Beard tells him that his security clearance level is hella high but Picard tells him it has nothing to do with the ship but rather is a "matter of image."
Hey it's Sonya Gomez! She's a recurring character I guess! She and Geordi are in a hallway with Wesley who is worried about having to go on a road trip with Picard. He doesn't know what he's going to be able to talk to Picard about but Gomez lists off a bunch of stuff that Picard's into and tells Wesley that he could learn a lot from Picard.
Picard then comes out of a TURBOLIFT!!! and Geordi sarcastically says, "Nice day for a little trip."
Picard and Wesley then board a shuttlecraft and blast off to awkwardness while on the bridge Riker With Beard is still trying to puzzle out why Picard would leave so suddenly. Worf tells him that they're picking up a distress signal in the Rhombus Zone but has no other information on the ship sending out the distress signal. Riker With Beard tells him to head out to the Rhombus Zone. Data reminds him that going to the Rhombus Zone would put them "at considerable distance from Captain Picard." Riker With Beard knows. Riker With Beard doesn't care.
After that good, good opening theme song we check back in on the Enterprise as it enters the Rhombus Zone. They find the ship and Data's scans indicate that it is a "basic early design capable of sub-light travel only." Worf tells Riker With Beard that they are being hailed and Riker With Beard has him put the call on the space TV phone. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh fuck look at that dopey looking motherfucker! Jesus Tittyfucking Christ! The goofy looking motherfuckers also talk real goofy, "We are Pakleds...we are far from home. Our ship is broken." Riker With Beard questions them but is only able to determine that they are "far from home" and that their mission is to "Look for things. Things that make them go."
Geordi offers to go over and fix their guidance system which Data's scans determine to be fucked over. Riker With Beard informs the Pakleds of this but Worf is suspicious of them since they know so little of them. Riker With Beard utters a line of dialogue that probably wouldn't fly today wondering if anyone else things "they seem a little slow."
Data opines that, "They may merely have poorly developed language skills."
Since scans detect only minimal weapons and all information on the Pakleds they have describes them as benign Riker With Beard tells Worf to calm down.
Meanwhile in the worst road trip ever Picard complains to Wesley how this trip is a complete waste of time for him. Wesley asks him why he's even going and Picard apologizes for being a dick to Wesley and lets him know that he's just stressed out about having to have another "damned cardiac replacement." I guess it's not a dick thing after all. Picard needs a new goddamn heart.
Wesley is confused why Picard would need a replacement heart replacement asking, "Why would anyone use a faulty replacement?" Picard is sick of his shit and tells him to just fly the shuttle.
Meanwhile on the Pakled ship, the Pakleds are annoyingly dumb. Geordi is remarkably patient and kind to them. He calls them "Fellas," and ask them to show him where the guidance system is so he can fix it. The Pakleds thing Geordi is smart.
Back on the Enterprise, Troi runs onto the bridge and is like, "Why in the fuck is Geordi on that alien spaceship?!" Riker With Beard explains the situation to her and Troi is like, "Those aliens. What they feel is not helplessness...Lieutenant La Forge is in great danger!"
We then go to commercials and when we come back we get Troi kind of repeating the same line of dialogue that she uttered before they went to break. I understand why they'd do stuff like that on shows that were airing on channels with commercial breaks but when watching them in 2020 on a streaming service it's always kind of weird when it happens.
Riker With Beard asks her what she means and she says that it's not the help of the Enterprise they want. Riker With Beard is like, "Look at 'em! They're goofy as fuck! They can't force us to do shit!"
Troi tells Riker With Beard that they aren't as weak as they seem and Data reminds Riker With Beard that Troi is often aware of things beyond their perceptive abilities.
Back on the worst road trip ever, Wesley tries to make small talk with Picard by discussing how unlikely it is that he'll die during the heart replacement operation. Wesley asks him why he didn't just have Doctor Grandma do the operation. Picard tells him that he has personal reasons and wants to leave it that.
Meanwhile on the Pakled ship, Geordi gets to work on guidance system. The Pakleds continue to be dumbasses but Geordi is able to fix their ship. Unfortunately as soon as he repairs the guidance system the main power goes down and Geordi calls Riker With Beard to tell him that it's going to take a bit longer.
Back on the worst road trip ever, Wesley is like, "I guess you would have preferred Commander Riker With Beard as a travelling companion." Picard, surprisingly, doesn't reply, "Yup!" Instead he and Wesley have a conversation about how Picard doesn't like kids. Wesley tells him that it's unfortunate because he would have made a good father. The fuck you know about dads Wesley? You ain't got a dad!
Picard thanks him and Wesley asks him if he ever wished he had kids of his own. Picard replies, "Wishing for a thing does not...(wait for it)...MAKE IT SO!"
OH PICARD YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
Back on the Enterprise, Riker With Beard is getting increasingly frustrated with the Pakleds bullshit. He offers to tow the their ship to the nearest spacebase for more repairs but tells them he needs Geordi back on the Enterprise. They tell Riker With Beard that they need Geordi because he is smart and then steal Geordi's laser gun and puts him on blast.
Riker With Beard tries to beam Geordi back to the Enterprise but the Pakleds have thrown up a shield. Scans determine that the shield is far beyond their technological levels and that all the systems on the Pakled ship are operational. The Enterprise puts their shields up and readies their missiles. Shit is about to pop off!
Back on the worst road trip ever, Picard offers Wesley a sandwich and some coffee. Wesley takes the sandwich but turns the coffee down because he sucks. Wesley continues to ask way too personal questions of Picard asking him if he's ever been married. Picard tells him that he never had the time leading Wesley to ask him if he ever gets lonely.
Picard tells him that Starfleet officers sometimes have to make sacrifices and therefore must be "cautious of long-term commitments."
Wesley tells him that it's no problem for him because, "where women are concerned, I am in complete control," apparently forgetting the fact that he tried to hook up with a shape-shifting space Yeti like 4 episodes back and nearly brought about an intergalactic incident in doing so.
Picard comes back with a sick burn declaring, "Really? I always rather had to work at that."
They then talk about how Picard ended up with a replacement heart. Apparently when he was a young Starfleet Officer he went to the Star Trek equivalent of the Mos Eisley cantina and got in a barfight with some aliens who stabbed him in the back and through the heart with some kind of sword or some shit. Picard tells Wesley that the only reason he survived was because there was a nearby space hospital.
Wesley asks him what happened next. Picard tells him that nothing happened and that he was just a loud-mouthed idiot who learned a "very painful lesson that day." He says that he hopes Wesley never has to learn that lesson the same way. What lesson? Getting stabbed in the heart in a bar fight? C'mon Picard, Wesley is never going to get in a bar fight.
Back on the Pakled ship, Geordi wakes up with the Pakleds pointing a laser gun at him. They tell him to make more weapons for them. Geordi is surprised that they have a replicator. One of the Pakled dopes tells him, "It is not broken."
Over on the bridge Worf is ready to put the Pakleds on blast but Riker With Beard doesn't want to jeopardize Geordi's well-being. They try to figure out with the Pakleds want. Troi tells them, "They have what they want...for now."
Back on the worst road trip ever, Wesley tells Picard that they've almost arrived. Picard wants to know if Wesley read some book he gave him. Wesley tells him he read some of it. Picard is annoyed and Wesley tells him that he doesn't have a lot of free time. Picard tells him that philosophy is important and Wesley replies that, "William James won't be on my Starfleet exams."
Picard tells him, "The important things never will be." He then tells Picard to pay attention to art, history and philosophy since that gives meaning to all the space bullshit they do.
Back on the Enterprise Troi says that everything the Pakleds have done has been complete bullshit. Data confirms that intensified scans have determined their guidance systems were always completely fine as was their power generator and the problems were something that had been programmed into their computers. Troi tells Riker With Beard that everything they did was just to kidnap Geordi.
We then check in on the random spacebase which looks suspiciously like that Angel One planet from the terrible "what if sexism happened to dudes" episode from season 1. Wesley brings Picard to some kind of space hospital. Picard asks him why he brought him all the way to the hospital. Wesley tells him that Doctor Grandma asked him to make them sure he went into the building.
"That woman. She would," says Picard.
Wesley then says that he enjoyed their road trip together. Picard reluctantly tells him that he did as well.
Back on the Enterprise Riker With Beard demands the Pakleds return Geordi but they tell him, "Request denied." They also tell Riker With Beard that they will not lower their shields. They shoot Geordi with laser guns and Riker With Beard asks them what they want.
The Pakleds tell him, "You think we are not smart. We are smart."
Back on the Enterprise Riker With Beard demands the Pakleds return Geordi but they tell him, "Request denied." They also tell Riker With Beard that they will not lower their shields. They shoot Geordi with laser guns and Riker With Beard asks them what they want.
The Pakleds tell him, "You think we are not smart. We are smart."
Riker With Beard tells them that if they are so smart they should return Geordi which is a pretty poor argument. The Pakleds then tell Riker With Beard that they want all computer information from their ship and like much like Veruca Salt, they want it now!
In the conference room the crew talk about their dilemma. Giving a hostile alien species computer data would be a breech of Starfleet security so the only other option is force.
In the conference room the crew talk about their dilemma. Giving a hostile alien species computer data would be a breech of Starfleet security so the only other option is force.
We return from break to find Picard lying on an operating table surrounded by a bunch of sci-fi medics in red scrubs. They tell him not to worry about anything since they have done this procedure a billion times before. They put him under and discuss with each other how they'll be home in time for dinner. FORESHADOWING!
Back on the Enterprise the crew discuss how to get Geordi back. Riker With Beard wants to use the Pakleds' greed and impatience against them. Troi asks him if he's "suggesting a ruse of some sort." Riker With Beard is like, "You know it!"
Back in surgery, sci-fi medical terms happen.
Back on the Pakled ship the Pakleds tell Geordi that they want to be smart, nay they are smart. They need the Enterprise's "computer things." Geordi asks them to open the hailing frequency and let him speak to Riker With Beard because they'll listen to him.
They phone up Riker With Beard and the crew of the Enterprise trick the Pakleds into thinking that Geordi is a weapons expert. They also do some "wink wink nudge nudge" type shit while talking to Geordi to let him know what he needs to do as part of this wacky plan. I don't know what they're fucking talking about and it doesn't really make any more sense after I saw the plan in action.
After they hang up the space phone the Pakleds tell Geordi that he is smart but Geordi's like, "Not smart enough...I'm still here." They want him to make him strong and threaten him with death if he doesn't make weapons for them.
Meanwhile in the space hospital, something is going wrong with Picard's operation. "This man is dying!" bellows a random surgeon. Picard needs a "bio-molecular physiologist," posthaste!
We then check back in on the Pakled ship where Geordi is pretending to be a weapons expert while shit-talking their weapons systems. They tell him not to try to trick them since, "we can tell." They could not.
Back in space hospital, a specialist has arrived but Picard's still fucked. Luckily he knows someone who could get it done.
Over on the Enterprise, the crew hope that Geordi can get shit done on the Pakled ship. Riker With Beard believes in Geordi though. Worf then phones Riker With Beard and informs him that they got a call from the random spacebase, "Captain Picard is close to death."
Back on the Pakled ship the Pakleds are super stoked over how strong they are now. Geordi tells them that they are now armed to the teeth.
"Teeth are for chewing," replies one of the Pakleds.
Over on the Enterprise, Data detects that the Pakleds' weapons have come online. Worf tells Riker With Beard that the random spacebase has requested them to head there at warp nine and Doctor Grandma is like, "WE GOTS TO GO!" Riker With Beard won't leave Geordi behind though. He phones the Pakleds and tells them to give Geordi back or face the consequences. They tell Riker With Beard that they have the power now. Riker With Beard tells them to use it if they are going to and then is like, "Fuck it! Here's some real power!"
Over on the Enterprise, Data detects that the Pakleds' weapons have come online. Worf tells Riker With Beard that the random spacebase has requested them to head there at warp nine and Doctor Grandma is like, "WE GOTS TO GO!" Riker With Beard won't leave Geordi behind though. He phones the Pakleds and tells them to give Geordi back or face the consequences. They tell Riker With Beard that they have the power now. Riker With Beard tells them to use it if they are going to and then is like, "Fuck it! Here's some real power!"
They then start a countdown while over on the Pakled ship, Geordi's like, "OH FUCK THEY'RE GONNA ATTACK! Let me make one last weapons check so it doesn't fuck up!" He then turns off all their weapons while the Enterprise shoots some random red clouds out of the front of them. Geordi tells the Pakled that it was a "crimson force field" and it totally disarmed them.
They then declare that they are not strong. Riker With Beard orders them to lower their shields. They do and Riker With Beard beam Geordi back to the bridge. They then haul ass to the random spacebase.
At the space hospital the doctors leave as Picard wakes up. One doctor remains and when Picard sees them he declares, "What the hell are doing here?!" The camera then reveals that it's Doctor Grandma. She tells him that she was saving his life.
Picard is like, "This is a bog standard operation!" to which Doctor Grandma replies that he is not a bog standard fellow. He then tells her that if she knows everyone else is going to know on the Enterprise. She tells him that her lips are sealed but in the very next scene the entire bridge crew applauds him as he walks on.
Picard tells Wesley that his test results will allow him to stay aboard the Enterprise (fuck) and that his brush with death was greatly exaggerated. They then set course to adventure to end a shit episode of a shit show.
Picard tells Wesley that his test results will allow him to stay aboard the Enterprise (fuck) and that his brush with death was greatly exaggerated. They then set course to adventure to end a shit episode of a shit show.
How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Well my mangs Riker With Beard made a pretty dunderheaded boner by allowing Geordi to beam over to an alien spaceship all on his lonesome when the Enterprise crew knew fuck all about the aliens other than the fact that they seemed, "a little slow," so I'm guessing he was at least a little bit shitfaced. I mean if he'd had Worf beam over with Geordi none of the shit that happened would have come to pass though in that case we wouldn't have had an episode, not that losing this particular episode would have been any great loss.
Final Thoughts
To say nothing of the complete and utter lack of Star Trekkers laying pipe, this was across the board a thoroughly awful episode of television. Of the two primary plots going on in this episode the main plot (Geordi and the Pakleds) came about due to gross incompetence from characters who have more or less been shown to be experts in their field unless they are infected with a fuck plague which was not the case here. Moreover there wasn't really any resolution to the story. Sure they saved Geordi but then they immediately fucked off to a random spacebasse to deal with the secondary plot and never mentioned the scumbag aliens who clearly wait in space to "snare" unsuspecting "Samaritans." I don't need a huge scene about it or anything but having Worf say something like, "We've advised Starfleet of the the Pakleds' scam so they can alert ships in the area," would have at least tied a bow on that plot.
As for the second plot (Picard needs a new heart) it was more or less fine but I was a bit confused by why exactly Picard didn't want Doctor Grandma to perform the operation. Is doctor-patient confidentiality not a thing anymore in the Next Generation? The only thing approaching a reason ever given was that he was afraid she would blab about it to the entire crew. I'm also kind of curious why Doctor Grandma stopped being a heart transplant specialist in order to become a general practitioner since things rarely go in that direction with medical professionals in these our modern times.
Anyway this sucked, no one fucked.
Fuck Count
When the horniest thing to happen in an episode is Wesley Crusher being like one of those No Nut November virgins and bragging about how much self-control he has when it comes to women you know shit's fucked.
When the horniest thing to happen in an episode is Wesley Crusher being like one of those No Nut November virgins and bragging about how much self-control he has when it comes to women you know shit's fucked.
P.S. Wesley, it's not really self-control if no woman wants anything to do with you.
Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)
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