Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E01 - Evolution

With the dire first and second seasons behind us and a brief detour to do some scholarly research into why those first couple seasons sucked so much ass, it's time to continue this extremely scientific study to determine which Star Trek character canonically fucked the most. Today we begin our exploration of the third season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, by taking a look at the season premiere, Evolution, which originally aired on September 25, 1989.

Preexisting Prejudices

The little plot synopsis Netflix gives is generic enough that I cannot immediately recall what episode this is about. I do know that it marks the return of Doctor Beverly Crusher so thank the gods for that. Though I came to hate Dr. Grandma less than I did the last time I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation prior to beginning the Fuck Report she is still a vastly inferior to Doctor Beverly Crusher and not just because I apparently have a thing for nerdy red-headed moms in cardigans.

Plot Synopsis

We kick things off with a scene of Wesley Crusher asleep at his desk in front of a monitor displaying "STAND BY" in big-ass letters. Riker With Beard calls him on the space phone and asks him if he forgot to set his alarm. Wesley tells him he did and will be right there.

As Wesley rushes off to whatever he's apparently overslept for Picard drops a Captain's Log talking about how they're in some random binary star system "on a most critical mission of astrophysical research" with some man of science named Dr. Paul Stubbs who sounds more like the owner of a hoagie shop or place that sells wings than guy doing a "most critical mission of astrophysical research."

Wesley shows up on the bridge while everyone looks at the big space TV displaying some sort of double star deal with space power flying off it. Stubbs explains to Wesley what we're looking at, telling him, "over and over again, the intense gravitational pull of the neutron star sucks up the star material from the red giant and builds up on the surface until it explodes, every one hundred and ninety six years like clockwork," comparing it to Ol' Faithful which people in The Next Generation still know about. Anyway, Stubbs is amped as fuck about this since they are only 18 hours away from getting a chance to see it happen. Data corrects him. They are 18 hours 7 minutes and 10 seconds from seeing it.

Picard comes out of his office and asks Stubbs if he wants to inspect "the egg" one last time. Stubbs tells him that he's been looking at the egg for the last 20 years and that Picard "may lay it when ready." Picard smirks and orders "the egg" to be launched.

Apparently it's some kind of space probe or capsule or something and not a literal egg. I am disappointed that we aren't getting a space egg but whatever. Some shuttlebay doors open as they prepare to launch the egg but suddenly the Enterprise starts shaking like a Polaroid picture. 

Stubbs flies across the bridge and takes a bump while Picard yells at Wesley to get shit under control. Wesley tells him that the controls aren't responding and down in Engineering, Geordi tells Picard that there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the inertial dampeners.

Back on the bridge, Worf informs Picard that they are headed right into the path of the space power that's coming off the big-ass star towards the little star. Picard bellows for him to get the shields up but Worf tells him that the shields are not responding as they drift towards the space power. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good, good opening theme (which I think has now taken its final form) we check back in on the bridge as the Enterprise continues to drift toward the space power. They've only got 30 seconds until impact. Is this going to be the shortest episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation ever? No, they do some kind of hard sci-fi stuff and avoid disaster.

Data informs Picard that all systems are reporting normal but Picard doesn't believe it and asks Computer what the deal was. Computer tells him that "No control malfunction has been recorded."
Down in Sickbay things are really poppin' off. There are a bunch of people milling about and Dr. Paul Stubbs of Stubb's Wings & Subs fame is getting treated by a returning Doctor Beverly Crusher. Oh what a glorious day it is! Gone forever is Dr. Grandma never (?) to be mentioned again.

Wesley Crusher shows up to tell Paul Stubbs that Picard wanted him to know that all the systems are back to normal and they can try to launch The Egg again as soon as he's ready. Stubbs jokes that the Crushers are "a dynamic family team," which they really aren't. Nothing about either of them is dynamic.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him that it's nice that she and her son are together again since she was at Starfleet Medical for a year and that during that time she missed "about two inches of him." Uh....what? Bev what in the fuck are you implying here? It can't possibly be about his height since he was a good half a foot shorter at the end of Season 1 than he is in this here episode.

Stubbs no-sells it and tells Wesley that he's not sure he'd want his mother traveling through space with him because she's, "a formidable woman. A woman of letters. A great critic." Wesley tells him that he knows and Stubbs asks him if he read some unauthorized biography. Stubbs then asks Doctor Beverly Crusher if that's all Wesley does, "fly the ship and read," and if he ever has any fun.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him that he does, but her son promptly, "Well actuallys" her saying that most of his free time is taken up with his studies because he's trying to get into Starfleet Academy. Doctor Beverly Crusher looks absolutely crestfallen that her boy is a huge nerd.

Stubbs is all healed up so he and Wesley Crusher head off to go look at The Egg. As soon as they're gone, Doctor Beverly Crusher notices the sound of running water. She goes to investigate and finds a food dispenser filling an overflowing glass of water.

"Computer, fix the food slot!" she says and I howl with laughter. They call it a food slot! That's like "car hole" levels of dunderheaded oafishness.

Anyway Computer tells her that the food slot is working just fine and repeats that there's nothing wrong when Doctor Beverly Crusher tells it to check again. Doctor Beverly Crusher gives up and tells Computer to deactivate the food slot.

Meanwhile in Picard's office he's rappin' with Geordi on the space phone about how fucked the Enterprise is. He wants Computer in tip-top shape so Dr. Paulie Stubbs' (creator of the famed Stubbs' Six Meat Hoagie) experiment can happen. Picard then adds that he wants Geordi to also fix "the food slots in Sickbay."

Picard then turns his attention to Doctor Beverly Crusher, who is also chilling in his office. She asks him how he would feel if he was 17 and "the only Starfleet Officer whose mother was on board." Picard tells her that he'd probably feel inhibited but he's not Wesley before adding that if she's concerned about him she shouldn't be.

Doctor Beverly Crusher then asks Picard to tell her about Wesley. Picard starts talking about his grades and shit but Doctor Beverly Crusher interrupts and says, "No. Tell me about him!"

Picard tells her that Wesley is "his father's son. Honest. Trusting. Strong." Doctor Beverly Crusher wants to know if he has friends or if he's been in love. Picard does not mention Wesley's dalliance with the transforming space yeti from the previous season, instead just saying that any weirdness that exists between her and Wesley probably is due to the fact that he's a 17 year old boy. Doctor Beverly Crusher then asks Picard what he was doing when he was 17.

"Probably getting into more trouble than Wesley, I can assure you," says Picard.

"So was I. Isn't that what seventeen's supposed to be?"

Meanwhile down in a shuttlebay, Dr. Paulie Stubbs and Wesley Crusher are checking out The Egg. It's apparently all in working order. Wesley asks him how he can be so calm at a time like this. Stubbs tells him that he never doubted this day would come and thinks that some day in the future Wesley will experience something similar. Stubbs explains to Wesley the concept of a "wunderkind," telling him that it's reserved for youths "who achieve early in life." He then tells Wesley that the burden is now his.

Wesley's confused so Stubbs explains that Wesley now has to fulfill his potential and adds, "You will never come up against a greater adversary than your own potential my young friend." Some klaxons start to sound and Wesley tells Stubbs that it's a red alert and that he needs to haul ass back to his quarters.

On the bridge shit is going down! Sensors have detected something coming towards the Enterprise but there's nothing on the big-ass space TV. Worf tells Picard that, "Sensors clearly indicate the approach of a Borg vessel." Riker With Beard orders the shields up but they aren't responding and manual override is fucked too. Worf says that the Borg ship has fired at them and as the ship takes evasive actions the Borg ship suddenly disappears from their sensors. It was another computer glitch.

The ship suddenly begins to shake and doors start randomly opening and closing. Picard yells at Computer to "identify malfunction immediately," but Computer just responds by randomly yelling out chess moves because Star Trek: The Next Generation is a TV show for nerds. 

Data tells Picard that the controls are unresponsive and Geordi adds that all the engines are down. Picard sends Geordi and Worf to go work on getting the ship's shields working again and then tells Riker With Beard and Data to join him in the conference room, telling them, "It's time to discuss the future of this mission...if there still is one," as we head to commercials.

In the conference room, Picard, Riker With Beard and Data rap about what's going on. Picard is worried that they might be "dealing with a potential breakdown of the main computer." Data says that, "The system automatically provides for self-correction," and adds that there hasn't been a system-wide technological failure on a starship in 79 years. Um...haven't there been multiple system-wide failures in the two seasons of this show we've seen thus far? Like I remember Picard's first order of "TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" getting rendered fucked by a messed up "food slot," and Enterprise II exploding because of the same system failure that was causing "food slots" to distribute houseplants instead of drinks. I'm sure if I were to go back and review my reviews I'd find more examples, but off the top of my head there's one that was more recent that "79 years ago."

Troi shows up and tells Picard that famed hoagie and wings empresario, Dr. Paulie Stubbs, wants to talk to him. Paulie Stubbs, King of Hoagies then comes in without being invited and demands to know what the shit is going on. Picard tells him and Troi to sit down and he then explains that Geordi's trying to fix the ship. Paulie Stubbs is a dick to Picard telling him, "That doesn't sound particularly reassuring," before telling Picard that if the experiment doesn't happen there will be many questions asked about why the Enterprise failed to do its duty.

Picard tells him that his primary concern is the safety of the crew but Paulie Stubbs isn't hearing it. Picard tells him that if they can't fix the engine and get hit with space power they'll all die. Paulie Stubbs tells Picard that he'd rather die than leave. Picard says that he doubts the majority of the people aboard the Enterprise share that point of view.

Troi tries to do counseling but Stubbs tells her to stop using her X-Men powers and then makes some jape about getting into the history books for getting blown up by space power before leaving. Once he's gone Troi tells everyone that a lot of Paulie Stubbs nonchalance is an act but he wasn't lying when he said he'd rather die than leave without doing his space power experiment since the entirety of his self-worth is tied up with the experiment.

Down in engineering Geordi is trying to fix the Enterprise. Wesley Crusher is with him as he looks at shit under a microscope. He opines, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone had climbed in there and started taking it apart," as he surveys the damage. Wesley gets a panicked look upon his face and rushes back to his bedroom.

In his room he looks at some tin and notices the lid is off. He scans the container with some sci-fi tool and his look of panic grows more severe. I think we're getting another Wesley Fucked Up Episode folks!

In the next scene Wesley is crawling around on the floor in Ten Forward setting weird circular disc things along the floor at regular intervals. He looks up and sees Space Whoopi Goldberg standing there watching him. Wesley is surprised to see her there. She tells him that she was never good at being confined to quarters and that her husbands would attest to that and then asks him what he's doing.

Wesley tells her that he's setting traps because he's afraid that he might have made a huge boner and fucked everything up. He explains that he was working on a project involving nanotechnology for his advanced genetics class and was using nanites from the Sickbay. Nanites that are "supposed to remain confined to the lab."

Whoopi Goldberg cuts right to the chase and asks him if nanites are loose on the ship and wrecking shop on all the Enterprise's systems. Wesley tells her it's only two of them and that he just wanted to see how they'd interact with each other  and if he could combine their skills to increase their usefulness. 

He then explains that he had pulled an all-nighter but fell asleep and must have left the lid on the nanites tin container open. "It's just a science project," Wesley whines. Whoopi Goldberg tells him that her friend, Frankenstein once told her the same thing.

Wesley continues saying that the nanites are harmless due to how basic they are and that it's almost impossible they could be responsible for the carnage.

"Almost," repeats Whoopi Goldberg.

Doctor Beverly Crusher then calls Wesley on his space cellphone and says that she stopped by his quarters to look for him but didn't find him there. He tells her he had some shit to do but she orders him to return. Wesley tells her he's coming and then asks Whoopi Goldberg not to tell anyone, telling her that he will if it turns out to be true. As he leaves Whoopi Goldberg asks him what grade he thinks he's going to get.

"I always get an A," replies Wesley and then leaves to see his mom.

"So did Doctor Frankenstein," says Whoopi Goldberg. I read Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus not all that long ago and do not recall Dr. Frankenstein's grades being a major part of that story.

Back from break we get Picard dropping a Captain's Log explaining that the computer core has been tampered with but there is no sign of a security breach. He goes on to say that they have the ship's engines back online and will attempt to complete Paulie Stubbs' crucial space power enhanced Buffalo wing experiment but without a computer that works the experiment is in serious Jeopardy and now must be phrased in the form of a question.

On the bridge Riker With Beard orders a manual restart of the engines. Geordi informs him that things look good so Riker With Beard calls down to the shuttlebay orders the shuttlebay doors opened so that the Egg can be launched but the shuttlebay guy tells him the doors are not opening. They try to re-restart things but some goddamn John Phillip Sousa march starts blasting over the ship's intercom.

"What in heaven's name?!" shouts Picard.

"It is 'Stars and Stripes Forever'. sir, by John Phillip Sousa, a popular American composer of band music in the early twentieth century," replies Data.

"Yes! Yes! I know that!" shouts Picard.

Picard yells at Computer to turn off the music but Computer will not. Data informs everyone on the bridge that the music is being played on every communications channel. Picard orders all the power to the bridge shut off to stop the music. Everything powers down and the music stops.

Picard asks Geordi if he can get them the fuck out of there but Paulie Stubbs doesn't want to leave. Geordi tells Picard that he can try but doesn't want to overload the engines. Riker With Beard tells Picard that they can use auxiliary power on the bridge and will find a way to "silence Sousa if he decides to play an encore." Picard agrees but says that the priority must be to find out why the ship is completely fucked. He then leaves Riker With Beard in charge of the bridge and heads out.

Down in the shuttlebay Stubbs looks at the egg and declares it to be "The Egg that Stubbs laid!" Wesley tries to make him feel better by telling him that no one would say something like that. Stubbs agrees with Wesley telling him that, "Nobody will say anything at all, Wesley." He goes on to say that he might be able to live with failure but to come all this way and not even get a chance to try is too much to bear.

He then talks to Wesley about baseball and how it fell out of favor in a society that prized fast food and faster games and ended up "lost to impatience." Stubbs tells Wesley that he has seen the great players make the great plays though because of course Stubbs likes baseball. I bet he sponsored a local little league team...this week Stubbs Hoagies & Wings takes on Sammy's Pizzeria at the baseball field in Woodside Park.

Wesley asks him if he's talking about the Holodeck or clips of old games on YouTube but he tells him that he's seen them in his mind using the knowledge of statistics and box scores. Way to strip away all the excitement from the game and reduce it to its most basic parts Paulie Stubbs. He tells Wesley that he would play seasons in his mind as a reward for patience and then compares his inability to do his experiment to a rain delay. Paul Stubbs sucks.

Later Wesley is back in his room checking his nanite traps. One of them seems to contain a nanite. Doctor Beverly Crusher enters and tells him that he looks like he needs some rest. He tells her everything is okay but she says it's not okay.

He tells her that he's just checking some traps and trying to figure out what's happened to the Enterprise because they're running out of time for Dr. Paulie Stubbs' owner and operator of Stubbs Hoagies & Wings at 503 North State Street right next to O'Sullivan's Bar & Grille.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him that he can't take every burden onto his shoulders and tells him that even when he's off duty he's on duty. She reminds him that he's a 17 year old boy so he should be out there smoking space pot and skateboarding with his buddies and trying to hook up with other teens in a sexual way. Wesley tells her that he's also an acting officer and that he has responsibilities.

She tells him that she thinks he's taken on too many responsibilities and Wesley's a dickish 17 year old and yells at his mom, "How would you know?! You haven't even been here!" She tells him that she's here now and asks him what he's looking for. Wesley quickly stops being a dick and tells her that he's made a terrible mistake.

Later in the conference room, Doctor Beverly Crusher is explaining her son's fuck up to the rest of the bridge crew as well as Dr. Paulie Stubbs. She explains what nanites are and then says that the nanites infecting the Enterprise are no ordinary nanites...they've evolved! Paulie Stubbs thinks it's bullshit but Wesley Crusher explains how he created sentient artificial intelligence accidentally as part of a science project.

Wesley shows the nanites chowing down on parts of the Enterprise and tells everyone that they are self replicating and with each generation they improve and upgrade themselves. Data pulls up some footage from engineering to show how rapidly the nanites have reproduced. Picard wonders if they know what they are doing which leads to Riker With Beard asking why they would attack them. Stubbs says that no one asks why a mosquito bites someone they just call an exterminator.

Doctor Beverly Crusher doesn't want to kill them, saying that they clearly have some sort of collective intelligence but Stubbs says the entire thing is stupid since there's no such thing as machine consciousness even though Data is sitting across from him. He says that these nanites were built in a lab in Dakar and that he's seen them being built. He says that what they're seeing is no different than a virus replicating and asks Doctor Beverly Crusher how many viruses and bacterias she's destroyed without prejudice as a doctor.

Picard tells Stubbs that they can't destroy something that might be an intelligent lifeform just because. Stubbs starts to argue some more but Picard cuts him off and tells him that they still have time. He then orders Wesley to work with Data and figure out a way to remove the nanites without wrecking shop on them.

Later in a computer room Data, Wesley and Geordi are hard at work on the nanite issue when Dr. Paulie Stubbs of Stubbs Hoagies & Wings...Home of $3 Grinder comes in and tells them that he needs a computer that's at 100% in less than eight hours. Wesley tells them that they are using low gamma bursts to slow their productivity.

"Have you considered a high level charge?" asks Stubbs.

Data tells Stubbs that high level gamma radiation would either kill them or turn them into Incredible Hulks. Stubbs replies that he knows and then pulls out a laser gun and puts the computer on blast. Data, Geordi and Wesley grab Dr. Paulie Stubbs and disarm him.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Picard talks to Riker With Beard about Gulliver's Travels and the Lilliputians. Suddenly the air gets real fucked up and he and Riker With Beard start coughing. They go out to the bridge and there's all sorts of smoke and shit. Riker With Beard checks some screen and informs the captain that it's lethal levels of nitrogen oxide. He overrides the air circulation system so they don't die but shit is still going absolutely buck wild on the bridge.

Worf then shows up with Stubbs and Data. Worf explains that Dr. Paulie Stubbs fired a gamma weapon at the computer and Data informs the captain that all the nanites in the upper core are now dead.

Back from the commercial break a smug looking Stubbs tells Picard that he has no choice but to kill the rest of the nanites now since it's become a matter of survival. Picard goes off on Stubbs about what would happen to him if he were a member of the crew but Stubbs smuggly tells him that he isn't a crewmember, he is "a representative of the highest command of the Federation," which has directed Picard to perform his experiment.

Picard tells him that if anyone on the Enterprise is harmed because of his experiment he will have Stubbs' head "before the highest command in the Federation." Stubbs is like, "Dude you're talking about machines...just turn 'em off!" but Picard tells him that Stubbs' own actions have provided evidence to the contrary since when he killed the nanites in the core the remaining nanites started fucking with the life support systems in order to mete out some revenge.

Worf tells Picard that because of the risk posed to the ship, extermination might be the only option at this point. Stubbs is pleased to hear this but Picard tells Worf to confine Stubbs to his quarters until further notice. Worf hauls Stubbs away and the lights come back on.

Picard then asks Data if there's a way to communicate with the nanites. Data says that it depends on how far along in their evolution the nanites are but if they modified the universal translator it might be possible.

Down in Stubbs' quarters, Troi asks to be let in. Stubbs is a dick to her but Troi tells him that he just wants to help and that she's worried about his state of mind. He asks her what about it has her concerned and she tells him that she's worried about how single-minded he is and his need to have the experiment work.

He tells her that it will because Picard now only has one course of action. He then flirts with Troi, telling her that when it's over he'll take her to New New York and chug champagne with her there and laugh about all this. Troi tells him that his self-portrait is so practiced and polished but it's stretched so tight that the tension fills the room and if he fails it might snap.

Stubbs tells her that sometimes beneath a man's self-portrait there's nothing at all...which seems kind of like a self-burn to me. Troi leaves and Stubbs goes back to thinking about baseball box scores when suddenly his room attacks! All his appliances explode and then Stubbs gets zapped by a lightning bolt. He screams and a guard outside his room tries to open the door. When he finally manages to get the door open a completely fucked Paulie Stubbs Wing King of State Street, falls into his arms.

Down in the sickbay, Stubbs regains consciousness. Picard says that he doesn't believe this was an arbitrary attack. Stubbs begs Picard to protect him by killing all the nanites. Picard just leaves and heads back up to the bridge where he tells Riker With Beard to blast all the nanites with gamma radiation. Riker With Beard orders Worf to ready the gamma pulse generators but before he does, Data tells them that he has established contact with the nanites as we head to commercials. PRODUCTS AND SERVICES!

And we're back! Data explains that the nanites are learning what communication is and developing the capability to communicate in real time. Picard asks if they can talk to them yet and Data says that he thinks they can and so Stubbs is brought to the bridge.

Out in the hall, Stubbs tells Riker With Beard that he's not sure it's a good idea for him to talk to the nanites since they already tried to kill him once. Riker tells him that it's one way to get in the record books.

Back on the bridge Picard orders Stubbs to apologize to the nanites for doing some genocide. Data says that if a face to face conversation would be better he is more than willing to let the nanites enter his body and use his neural network to communicate more easily. Worf thinks it's dangerous and Picard is worried about removing the nanites from him once they're inside, but Data says that allowing them to enter his body would "represent a gesture of trust on our part," and, "could be an important step toward peace." Picard agrees and Data explains to the nanites the proposal. The nanites agree to it.

Down in the computer room, Data puts his hand in a machine and nanites go into him. Data speaks even more like a weirdo than normal as the nanites take over his body. The nanites (via Data) express how strange all of them look. Picard says that in their travels they've encountered even weirder looking creatures but they've tried to live peacefully with them.

The nanites ask him why they were attacked then. Picard tells them that they misunderstood their actions as an attack. The nanites say that they were seeking out materials to use in their self-replication process. Picard says that in doing so they endangered the vessel they are all on and they nearly killed a crewmember.

The nanites tell him that they were merely exploring and meant no harm. Picard says that they are also explorers and do not wish to do harm to any living creature either. Stubbs then says that he was the one responsible for the genocide earlier in the afternoon. The nanites know who he is and seem pissed.

Stubbs explains that he was merely attempting to protect a lifetime of work from being destroyed and then throws himself upon the mercy of the nanites. The nanites do not understand what mercy is. Picard explains that Stubbs is asking for their forgiveness and then says that the entire conflict is the result of a series of mistakes made by both sides and wants to agree to end it now.

The nanites agree and Picard tells them that he will do whatever he can to assist in their continued survival. The nanites thank him but say that they have evolved beyond needing assistance. They then say that the Enterprise has become too confining and that they require relocation.

Picard then drops a Captain's Log explaining that Dr. Stubbs used his influence to secure a random planet for the nanites and that Commander Data was returned unharmed. Moreover with the assistance of the nanites the computer core was rebuilt in time for Stubbs space power Buffalo wings experiment.

We then see the Egg get launched into a blast of space power. Dr. Stubbs is beside himself as data pours into his computer.

Later in Ten Forward Doctor Beverly Crusher talks to Whoopi Goldberg about parenting. She asks if Whoopi Goldberg ever has any trouble relating to her children. Whoopi says she just did once with a kid who wouldn't listen to anyone.

Doctor Beverly Crusher says that every kid is like that but Whoopi Goldberg says, "Not in a species of listeners." Doctor Beverly Crusher asks if the kid ever grew out of it. Whoopi tells her that it took a couple of centuries but he eventually came around. Doctor Beverly Crusher wants to know how.

Says Space Whoopi Goldberg, "A mother shapes her child in ways she doesn't even realize. Sometimes just by listening."

Wesley then enters with his arm around the waist of some random girl in the most late 80s neon colored attire. Whoopi says that they're a cute couple. Doctor Beverly Crusher seems pleased that her son is well on his way to the bone zone but then realizes how weird it is that she wants her son to fuck a random girl she knows nothing about and asks Whoopi Goldberg what she knows about the girl to close out the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?

In this particular adventure our mang, Riker With Beard, was more or less relegated to a tertiary character. He was hanging around but not really doing much of anything. Barely had any dialogue. Too little data to accurately ascertain how Rikered he truly was.

Final Thoughts

I'm not really sure what this episode wanted to be. Like there was kind of a plot about a mom not relating to her son that never went anywhere and a plot about some hard sci-fi shit with nanites that ended on kind of a low note. Did the concept of "grey goo" exist in real life when this episode came out because wouldn't that be a thing Picard and Co. should have been worried about with regards to nanites? I'm thinking it did due to the fact that the nanites that had were kept isolated from each other in tin cans to prevent them from wilding out so to just randomly give them a planet is pretty fucked up.

Anyway this was definitely better than all but a handful of episodes from the first two seasons but that's a pretty low bar to get over. This is the sort of episode that is perfectly fine fare to watch while eating a sorrow dinner alone of while folding laundry or whatever but not like a great episode of television or the sort of thing I'd show someone who has never seen Star Trek: The Next Generation in order to get them into the show.

Fuck Count
So how should I count self-replicating nanites? Asexual reproduction isn't really fucking in the strictest sense of the term so I'm going to give this episode a goose egg because to do otherwise I'd have to go back to that little crystal entity episode and count their asexual reproduction as fucking too and it would throw off all my fuck counts.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)