The Star Trek Fuck Report

I must confess that I'm becoming somewhat discouraged in my quest to determine accurately which character on Star Trek: The Next Generation fucked most frequently. The past couple episode have been completely devoid of anything close to fucking while amping up the gross, problematic for even 1987 racism. I hope that with this episode see a Warren G. Harding-esque "return to normalcy," and people stop being racist and start being horny. Preexisting Prejudices I most certainly saw this episode back when it premiered on October 26, 1987 and most likely saw it again in college when one of the local channels would air two episodes of TNG back to back every weekday evening starting at 5:00, but I have absolutely no memory of what happens here based on the brief plot description I looked at. Unfortunately for me it seems to be a Wesley Crusher centered episode which means it will probably be beyond unbearable because Wesley Crusher is the absolute dirt-worst. Plot Synops...

So we go from one racist sterotype to another with episode five of season one. Premiering on October 19, 1987, The Last Outpost, saw the first appearance of the Ferengi, a race that had been mentioned  back in the first episode (or maybe the second episode since it was a two parter that I saw as a single thing rather than split in two chunks), but I digress. Looking like a mix of Nosferatu and a Nazi propaganda drawing of a Jew, the Ferengi were originally to be the chief adversaries of the Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but from this initial appearance they were shit upon by the general public for being both super racist and also not serious enough to be seen as an actual threat in the way Klingons and Romulans were in the Original Series. Luckily someone came up with the Borg during season 2 and Gene Roddenberry also died at some point so his nonsensical, "NO STORIES ABOUT KLINGONS OR ROMULANS!" directive started getting ignored, but I really digress. Th...

We continue to move right along with the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation in our quest to determine who fucked the most. Today we'll be looking at the fourth episode, Code of Honor which first aired on October 12, 1987. The episode is routinely ranked as one of the worst Star Trek episodes of any iteration of the show, but this is not going to be an attempt to determine if this infamy is warranted or not, I'm only here to count how many times people fucked. So let's get down to it! Preexisting Prejudices I'm pretty sure that this episode is the weirdly racist episode from season 1. If I'm not mistaken and this is indeed that episode I will say without any hyperbole whatsoever that this episode sucks all 90,032,781.356 kinds of ass that exist. At least now, because of my very specific research project, I have something to get me through awful, awful episodes such as this, namely tallying the number of times people dance the blanket hornpipe (...

After a rather inauspicious beginning to my research as to who fucked the most in Star Trek: The Next Generation, we're back with an episode that I hope proves to be a bit more insightful: The Naked Now. This episode first aired on October 5, 1987 which means I would have been all of seven years old when I first watched an episode about a space lesbian catching the fuck plague and subsequently fucking a robot. Preexisting Prejudices To be completely honest, this episode is one of the main reasons I decided to begin conducting this research (the other is an episode from much later on where a Riker sends a stressed out Picard to Planet Fuck Resort and all Picard wants to do is read a book). I only very vaguely remember the plot but am pretty sure that Data fucks here and if he does we get the first instance of him declaring himself to be "fully functional." HE'S TALKING ABOUT A ROBOCOCK PEOPLE! Trigger Warning! Before I crack wise about a sci-fi show from the...

While countless others have reviewed Star Trek: The Next Generation, there has never before, at least to my knowledge, been a comprehensive study to determine which character on Star Trek: The Next Generation fucked the most. It's a surprisingly horny show so I'm certain that anyone who's seen it has a theory or a guess as to who most often boldly went where no one had gone before, but are these theories accurate? That's what I'm setting out to discover. So here we go with the first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Encounter at Farpoint. This episode first aired on September 28, 1987 and since it was a two hour episode, I got to stay up past my bedtime to see the conclusion to it as a seven year old. I'm pretty sure that there's still a VHS cassette of this episode taped off my local Fox affiliate from this first broadcast in my parent's basement. Preexisting Prejudices As a seven year old who liked sci-fi shit, this episode was entert...